Am I the Only One? - Provo,UT

G.,
I think every case is different and without being there and watching, it is hard to give advise. With your husband watching a lot of tv, my question is, is he getting down time. Remember that everybody needs down time, you and your husband included. My own father is a TV-aholic. He literally does everything in front of the TV. My mom even tried to take the TV out of the house. Wow I thought the roof was going to fall off with the fight that created. My mom finally realized that her kids still needed a dad, as he was pretty good at being a dad, so she resided herself to accepting the whole package.

This last year for me has been the worst on my marriage, with a new baby with special needs coming to our home. I was very frustrated with my hunny. I felt he was spending all his time in front of the computer(he works in IT) when he was home. I was SO done. I couldn't get him to listen to my needs, as his were always worse than mine in his opinion. I finally decided to write him an email so that I could speak without being interrupted, and get it all of my chest. My mom suggested that instead of being negative, to write him an email telling him everything I love about him, everything he does for me and to thank him for everything. It had to be truthful, no lies. It was the hardest email I have ever written. It was also very hard to think of good things to say, but it finally came and was sent off. He came home shocked! He had had a bad day at work, and the letter was a great boost to his morale. But the best part was he came home with the why question and an open mind to listening to my frustrations! We were able to, for the first time in a long time, communicate without yelling! It was normal conversation with validation of feelings, but I also listened and realized how stressful work really is for him. It doesn't make my day any less stressful, but at least he acknowledged that I was having a hard time. It is a process and not something that is going to be fixed over night!

If it really is a problem, than nip it in the bud now and get your TV out of your house! You don't want someone who only sits in front of the TV, get some games to play as a family, and give him some kiddy time, while you go get groceries! I prefer grocery shopping in the morning, put lately I do it about 7-8 pm, because than I can leave ALL the kids and go by myself. It then gives the kids some daddy time.

Good luck, really talk it out, because like mentioned if you feel that you need to leave the relationship, do it while the kids are really young. But know that when kids are involved, it is no longer about what you want, it is about what the kids need. And if he is still a good dad, than stick with it for those kids sake. Every kid needs a mom and a dad. And it is better under the same roof! Good luck!

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G.,

I understand all to well about your situation. I have been in the same boat for 8 years know. I'm not the best at writing so if you want to talk you can e-mail me @ ____@____.com and i will give you my contact info...Living with the men that we chose to live with is the most difficult relationship out there... e-mail me and i will give you some tips that i have learned over the years....

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I really have no idea how to help but I felt so badly after reading your question. Your husband sounds like he's emotionally absent. How is he with your children? I wonder if he's depressed? Certainly something is going on. Has he had a physical lately? Blood work, etc.?

About the nagging and fighting...Is it working? I'll bet not. One thing I will suggest; put a moratorium on the nagging and fighting. That's not good for either of you or your children. Try to get your social needs met before he comes home in the evening. Then focus more on his needs. See what happens...maybe nothing. Regroup and try something else.

Sounds like both of you could use counceling. I would suggest, at least for a kick start, contacting New Life Ministries. You may not be a "believer" or "Christian" but these guys are soooo down to earth and sensible I think, if you can get through to them, you'd gain some insight into your problem. You'd appreciate their wisdom which is not too "preachy". Call your local Christian radio station to see if they air this call in counceling program, or you can listen to them on-line at newlife.com; click on the radio tab.

I can't stand Dr. Laura but some people swear by her book The Care And Feeding of Your Marriage. I've never read it myself.

Would he agree to a marriage workshop of some sort? .

ALAM:
I'm 53 with two children and will celebrate our 29th anniversary this month. My husband was exhausted from starting a business when our children were little, but he was never emotionally absent. He was really good at setting boundaries though. Since I didn't work I was free to get my social needs met before 6:30 when he came home from work.

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I have been married to the same man you describe for 25 years. I still have the same Mothers Day card I recieved from him after our son was born 24 years ago almost 25. I learned to put all my energy into making the holidays special for my kids. You are not being selfish, I think that you are just very hurt. I guess I just learned to live with him the way he is and he accepts we for what I am and we love each other very much. You might suggest a date night once in awhile or even counceling.Good luck and God bless
I am a mother of two, one boy 24, Senior Airman of the United States Air Force, and one girl 23, Sgt. in the United States Army

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Dear G.,

I have felt like you so often, I feel like I wrote your post. Yesterday, I heard an interview with Dennis Prager interviewing John Grey - the author of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." He has a new book out, and I put my name on the hold list at the library after hearing the interview. It was amazing, emotional, and I cried almost the whole way through it. I'd recommend listening to it at

http://www.townhall.com/talkradio/Show.aspx?RadioShowID=3

and select Listen Now on the

Thursday February 14, 2008
H2: Mars versus Venus With Dennis Prager

The next segment, H3, is very moving also and has all sorts of callers discussing your very same topic. Good luck!

Mom of a 14 mo old boy, who is once again in love and knows her husband loves her.

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No, you are not the only one. As I read your letter I had to do a double take and make sure I hadnt written the letter and forgotten that I did it. Well, it has taken about 3 months of working on a lot of stuff for my husband and I to start really having fun in our marrage again. First of all I started out being the nagging wife because he always said that everything was fine, but I didnt feel that way. So there were some times when we didnt really like each other much. But then I took some time to really contemplate my life, husband,child, church,etc. My husband would ask me what was wrong with me, cause he thought I was mad, but i was just very deep in thought. Then I started to pray. I would pray that the Lord would help me know what to do to help my marrage be the best it could be and that my husband would soften his heart towards me. Well, then it took a lot of soul searching for me. For a while I havent liked the person I have become and have become bitter and angry and I realized that that has attributed to some of the stiffness in my marrage. I also realized that we started putting our child first and giving all we had to our child, instead of putting our marrage first and our child as a wonderful appendage to that. So we have started to go on weekly dated or every two weeks. We are doing some of the things that we used to love to do when we were dating and childless, like bowling, movies, eating out, playing Monopoly, chasing each other around the house, exercising together, etc. In this whole process I learned that I let family, friends offend me and life situations make me crazy and I became someone I didnt like. My husband once told me that part of why he fell in love with me was because of my self confidence. So I started looking back to those days and remembered how I felt and it helped me to get more of that back. My husband said he has just been waiting for me to figure it out. So I hope this might help. I found out that I needed to stop doubting my every move, love myself and quit feeling so guilty all the time. So anyhow, dont just sit by him and watch tv all the time. Invite people over for dinner, game night or just get a baby sitter to watch the kids, or for you to stay home and chase each other around the house. Take back you confidence and your marrage. Plan it and do it. It might take a while for him to get into it and he might grumble at first but you will probable find that once you get him into a crowd, he will be the most talkative one there. Good luck!

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Sadly, no you are not the only one. Often the chase to get the girl and to keep all other guys from getting her is "the" thing to some guys. Often after obtaining her and having children, they no longer think they must invest energy into their relationship, and it DOES take continuous effort from both parties to keep a marriage from dying. Unfortunately the efforts of one aren't enough.

As for the holiday issue, some guys see no need to invest in anything material, even a nice dinner out with their spouse. Again, they already have the gal, so they see no need for monitary investment. Others feel guilty because they don't think they can spend any money in acknowledgement of the holiday. Those guys really tend to act out! I think ideally their anticipation of the holidays should be somewhere between what the media/advertizers wish it was and what we might want as wives. Frankly, I just wish they would think ahead and plan, even if it was time together sitting on a rock watching a sunset on top of the mountain. Making a special gift for someone ahead of time would be nice, too, or purchasing a gift when seen on sale earlier in the year would be nice. However, they typically wait until the last minute and panic. Often their coping skill is to let the wife do all the present buying/making/wrapping. We tend to be the peacemakers sending thank you notes and building bridges as fast as they tend to burn them.

As for your husband wanting you to sit beside him and just watch T.V., mine does that, too. I was wasting my life and my talents doing that all the time. Things are even more polarized now that we are retired. You see, he never chose to develop any hobbies, and rarely chooses to read books. Now we live on top of a mountain and he's even more isolated than ever. I on the other hand, choose what T.V. programs I'll watch with him, then work on crafts which I sell, read, write letters, or work at the computer. I've become very active within our church family and am an active board member for Christian Womens' Connection. While I always make time for him, I refuse to sit by and waste time. He finally joined the church just to see what I was "up to". Very gradually he is beginning to branch out socially. I on the other hand have been sensative to the fact that he would prefer to be a recluse, so I always consult him if a social event is coming up and respect him if he says he doesn't feel like attending. If he is on social overload, I respect that. He is learning to cut ME more slack as a result. He realizes that I am a more gregarious person than he and that I need social interaction from time to time. However, in deference to his hermit ways, I don't entertain often, but when I do, I usually have no more than two other couples over for dinner once every 6 weeks or so. That way, he isn't overwhelmed socially. I try to keep the dinners delicious, but fairly simple and serve them buffet style. That way, we can concentrate on wholesome conversation rather than on elaborate entertaining. Basically what we have here is a difference in the ways we were raised: I grew up just west of Philadelphia, where I attended many concerts, plays, and dinner parties, whereas he was a product of Kansas City Kansas' blue collar community. Even though we both have advanced degrees educationally, our backgrounds were diversely different! Perhaps you can begin making changes slowly so your husband won't feel threatened. Remember, you can't change him, only yourself and your attitude toward the situation.

Once when our children were young, my brother visited while my husband was on a business trip. After dinner/bath/bedtime for the children while we were talking, I suddenly burst into tears. My brother was very concerned. I explained that I suddenly realized what I was missing: adult conversation and the opportunity to express myself and be heard! Now I am a grandmother and some of those defecits have been resolved, but only because I reclaimed some of who I was. After all, your husband loved you when you married, then tried to stiffle your creativity, socialization, and conversation by choosing not to invest himself emotionally into his marriage, never realizing that he was changing the very things which originally attracted him to you! My advice is to start slowly reclaiming bits and pieces of yourself. He can either continue to wither on the vine in front of the T.V. or do likewise. Personally, I wish my husband would cultivate friendships, a reluctance which which stems from losing all his hooch mates during his tour in Viet Nam, and pursue a hobby. Instead, he tries to join me in mine. Still, things are slowly getting better. People tend to resist change, G., but you must try for the good of your entire family. K.

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G.-

Wow, I am so sorry that you are feeling so all alone. My first question is do you have any spiritual beliefs? My husband and I are complete opposites and have had our fair share of struggles and I truely believe we are still together today(16 years) because of our commitment to God and to eachother. It sure semms to be more of a struggle when you have little ones and you don't see eachother that much.

One book I read in the last few months that really opened my eyes on how men think and react is called For Woman Only by Shaunti Feldhahn It's small and a easy read and helps explain a lot. Also have you ever read the 5 Love Languages by Chapman. It helps you determine what each of your Love language is and when you know that it makes a world of difference in how you repond and do things for eachother.
Also have you ever thought about counseling? You don't ever want to gice up until you have done everything in your power to make it work.

I know we all have struggles in our marraiges I think it's all part of life especially when you add family and busy schedules, but I know from experience we are closer today then ever before and it's been worth all of what we have been through and I would say we had a 5 year span that was aweful but we survived and are stronger and closer because of what we went through. Pray had a huge part in that and I know you probably won't want to hear this but the big change happened when I took the focus off of him and asked for the change in myself.

You have to believe him when he says he loves you, don't doubt it for a minute.

Has it alwasy been this way? Did you used to do things for you as one time?

There are lots of questions I would love to ask you it just seems so impersonal over e-mail.

I would love to chat more with you if you are willing, meanwhile you will be in my prayers.
God Bless You & your Marraige,
J. K

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Remember the things you married him for? Sit down and write a list of all the things you love about him and try focusing on those things, rather than 'expecting' him to do things that he never did in the first place. What are you willing to change in yourself to help the relationship? Stop threating him to leave every time you don't like what happens, what kind of signal is that sending him? If he doesn't feel valued, then he will also start to give up trying to please you as well. He will feel that whatever he does, you won't think it's 'good enough' (or in your words 'meet your expectations). There are always two sides to it. Maybe he has tried over the years to show you his love IN HIS OWN WAY, and you didn't recognize it because you are looking for it in the way that you would do it. Men show their love lots differently than women do. You married him, keep working at it!

This sounds a bit harsh, but in reality, I have found that when I don't like things that are going on at my house, It's usually me that is looking through the 'gray lenses' Why are you sad and crying all the time? Is it really because your husband isn't social? My husband hates Valentines day b/c he says it's a day he is 'expected to show his love in some dumb valentine way,' when he'd rather do it the way he wants any other day. And if he doesn't 'do it right,' it makes us all mad. So, when he does the dishes for me every now and then, I know he is trying to show me he loves me, even if he just does the dishes and then leaves me with all the kids and goes to watch tv. And I ALWAYS try and THANK HIM for what he does, this lets him know that i APPRECIATE him and his efforts.

You mentioned you have a 9 month old, it could be a little post-partum depression?....

One of my favorite things someone told me once is to always try to look at your spouse with a love twinkle in your eye. Stop worrying yourself about what you can't change about him and look at him for the things you loved about him in the first place. And TALK NICELY to him. Communication takes practice.
I heard once that if you can't ever talk through something with out yelling at each other, try it with your shirts off :) How can you yell like that! (I've tried it and it just made my hunny start to laugh and it was great!) Keep working with it! Sit down and listen to his side, (stop nagging and screaming, just listen) ask him how school is going, and if things around the house are helpful for him, see how he feels about what is going on, and then talk about how you feel. don't blame each other, just talk! A great man is worth fighting for!!!

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Some of this sounds similar to my situation, what it comes down to is- go and see a counselor, alone if you must but try and do it together. It may be that each of you thinks you are letting the other know how you are feeling but neither one of you is "getting the point" that the other is trying to make. Just don't give up without trying all the options, your marriage is worth it and so are your children.

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You are not the only one!!! It takes men a lot longer to mature than women. I can bet you anything that 80 out of 100 women feel this way at some point in their marriage. Marriage has its ups and downs-just consider this one of the downs and don't let it go farther. You have more power than you know. On a scale of 1-10, women usually consider the importance of physical intimacy at about a 5 and resent their husbands who consider it a 1. Men are born that way and in my opinion actually NEED lots of physical intimacy and affection to feel loved and needed in a relationship.
I read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura and it turned my relationship around. I re-read it whenever I am feeling like things aren't right. The title of it is misleading-so give it a chance. My husband played computer ALL the time the first few years of our marriage. Now he sees what I need before he gets onto the computer and he doesn't play as long anymore. I think that has to do with two things: maturity (we've been married 11 years) and with the way I treat him (Dr. Laura's book) Hang in there!!

ps I always stuff my own stocking, fill my own easter basket, etc. My husband just didn't grow up loving holidays like my family did. He doesn't really get it, and it does hurt my feelings sometimes-but that's just how he is-so we move on. It's actually kind of fun to get myself little gifts for those holidays cause I always get what I wanted. There will always be negative things in a relationship, you have the power to spin them into positiver.

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Life is hard on couples that aren't on the same page, and we all go through that. Some stay together and some split. Just remember that no matter how things turn out, things happen for a reason. If he doesn't want to have the kind of fun you want, there are lots of ways you could enjoy time by yourself or with friends ... and just enjoy your time with him, when he is on the same page, even if that time is just when you are eating dinner. Maybe you should go out with friends or have some friends over ... even if it is just for a crafts night. It will give you something to do that you enjoy. If you go out and leave him at home, at least one parent is with the kids and you are both enjoying life. Acting and feeling doesn’t sound like it is helping either of you. Please keep in mind that school is brain-draining and romance isn't something that "wiped out" dads or moms see as adding romance to their relationship. Think about how to help yourself and him recharge. TV might be his way. That is hard for me to even say, but I once heard a man describe playing poker as the only thing that got him through his divorce, not being with his kids, and cancer. Made me think. Heard about a new bumper sticker today: “Has getting angry helped you with any of your other problems?” That made me laugh and think.

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G.,
welcome to my life :) I have been married for 18 years this June. I married my total opposite. I love to dress up and go out. I am a full blooded CITY girl, who married a full blooded Country boy. I would get dressed up and he would ask, why do you look like that? Not, WOW... your beautiful! I knew when I came into this marriage that I was the romantic and he was not!

Marriage is hard. We have had our ups and downs. We've had our share of battles over no romance. Here is what I came to the conclusion. You have to train them!
You need to sit down talk with him and explain in great detail how you would like Valentines Day or any other special holiday to go... from what gifts you would like, to what your expectations and fantasies are. This will help him.
You also need to explain to him the importance of this holiday to you. Its not just a Holiday... it's a way to show appreciation and gratitude for all you do for your family. Its a way to feel loved, like you did before kids. Explain this to him. If you have done all of this and still nothing.
Then, do what I do.... either tell him you expect something that day, tell him a list of things he can pick from... or accept this is how it is, and be happy with your ideas and things that you do. Just one thing I wouldn't do... don't go over board anymore for him. My husband use to get so bad, that my birthdays started to suck. So, DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY DO UNTO YOU! Was my theory. It worked. When my birthday sucked... so did his. If I got gifts and had it made a big deal... so did he ... he actually caught on. Because when it was his birthday... I would say... hmmm... happy birthday dear, your gonna get exactly what I DID for mine... He has since, been a better hubby on my birthday.

Most men, they think once they marry ya... the work is done. That is where marriages fail. The work never ends. You have to continually find common ground. Things you BOTH like to do with each other. HOBBIES are great, sports... anything you both really enjoy. If you don't have anything... I suggest finding one. Make sure you date him once a week. Even if its a walk around the block. If you can't afford babysitters, work out a deal with a friend or neighbor. Its worth it. Its not easy or fair that we romantic women have to have hubbies that really struggle to even understand the concept. But we didn't just marry them for the romance right :) We love them for so much more!
I know its not easy... and I just want to say, that hang in there. Its worth fighting for. You have two children who deserve to have two parents, happy parents raising them, under one house hold. Men don't realize, especially when we are raising our little ones, how important romance and attention is for us.
Don't give up :) He just needs training and someone to show him how its done. HUGS! Remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. :) Where some girl got seriously romanced yesterday, (you thinking what a lucky girl she is) we don't know what his faults are and what she has to deal with. It always looks better when your on the outside looking in, but we really need to remember that our hubbies probably are great in areas others hubbies lack.
Chin up! Spoil yourself :) That is another thing I do. I spoil myself when I get down on this stuff. It really helps :)

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Certainly not. Lots of women share your frustration. The two of you speak different love languages. Yours is gifts and his is something totally different. Find out what his is. Good book-Five love languages by Gary Chapman.I realize you are dissapointed. The flowers from him are his way to say he loves you and to him it is enough.I encourage you to hang in there with him. I've been married for 17 years and although gifts are not one of my love languages I still love to be surprised by my husband but never want him to spend the money. He did not even get me a card this year, I got him one and will continue. It is not a day that is important to him. He show his love in other ways I am realizing and doesn't get it that he is only to show it on this one special day. Sorry if this is to much advice but you did ask.

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Hello there, My name is L.. I have been there. I have actually been divorced. My advice to you is to do everything you can to work it out before making the decision to leave him.
The good news is you love him. It is allot harder once you fall out of love. It sounds like you are 'acting out" because of all the hurt you feel inside. Love is a strong emotion that can manifest intself in other emotions. (Fighting, nagging and yelling.) Unfortunately, men hate to be nagged and yelled at. That is only making him more distant.

My question to you is, does he know how you feel? Communication is the best way for you two to become closer! You both need to feel valued. Every couple has there own individual "love language." Do you know what his is? Does he know what yours is? What can you do for him to make him feel loved and valued? What can he do for you to make you feel loved and valued?

I would lovingly sit down with him and tell him how much you love him. Tell him you are afraid if things continue down this road you two will end up divorced. Ask him what you can do to make him happier. Ask him the hard questions. "Do you want this marriage to work?" "Is there someone else." "Are you sure you still love me?"

Men by nature want to fix things. He knows there are problems. He may be content with the way things are. It would be very helpful to find out what he is thinking and feeling. Let him know you need some quality time with him.

Your frist step is communication. Let me know if this helps at all! Thanks for taking the time to read this.

L.

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2-18-08 Wow, have you had a lot of responses!! By the time you have read them, you will be overwhelmed big time. If possible, print them out and go thru them one at a time with a highlighter and you will start to see a common thread. Blessings to you and your family. Marciab

It is time for marriage counseling. If he won't go, then you go alone and see if you can find some ideas to help with the situation.

The book Men are from mars and Women from venus might help you understand. You two are on opposite ends of being a woman and being a man, so that is why you can't understand and he can't either.

When all is said and done, you will need to make a decision about staying or leaving. What kind of Dad is he? The kids are very young so breaking up at this point probably wouldn't be to stressful. What is stressful tho even for the baby, is the tension and the yelling and the fighting that you are instigating.

Why don't you try for one week, to not say a cross word to him no matter what. Don't complain, don't get mad at anything, make food he likes, have the house clean and the laundry done (if you need help with that go to www.Flylady.net) get up each morning with a smile on your face and a song in your heart (I know this will all be fake, but just try it) and when he gets home, have your hair clean and your make-up on, and appropriate clothes that look nice.

Now, if you can pull that off for a whole week, then you can do it for another week. Right? See if you see a difference in his attitude and actions.

Let us know if you tried this and what happened. OK?

I will keep you all in my prayers for a happy ending.

M. B. Boise Idaho

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No you are not the only one. I too have gone through this same thing. Holidays are more important to women then they are to men because we do everything for them, decorate, cook, buy, etc.. My husband acted exactly like yours and I acted exactly as you do. Then I just came to the realization that thats the way it is, nothing personal. I am now happy when he gets me flowers or says I thought about getting you flowers. I simply take joy in doing things that make my family happy and bring us closer together instead of fretting about the things that I don't get. My husband says whinning about how he acts on holidays only turns him off (and on Valentines I want him turned on) You can celebrate your love for one another every day just by doing the little things that make life easier for one another. Praise him when he does something little for you (glass of water, picks up his own socks, puts the milk back in the fridge, you get the idea.) One day when life isn't to hectic and the kids aren't taking up too much of your time things will change. He loves you! You can't change him all you can do is change yourself to be a more loving and understanding wife. Good luck.

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You sound just like me, and he sounds exactly like my husband. I have been married 5 1/2 years, have a 3 1/2 year old daughter, twin 1 1/2 year old boys, and a 6 month old daughter. I stay at home with them all day every day. When my husband and I were dating, he was very romantic, planning interesting dates, writing me notes once in a while, bringing me baloon flowers (so they'll last longer), and doing all the things any girl wants her man to do for her. We had good holidays for the first year, and I haven't seen that man since. He has even neglected, not forgotten, just neglected to get gifts for a couple of important dates. I felt just like you about a year ago, and came to a decision: I love him. Not because he was all romantic when we were dating, but for numerous other reasons that are way more important than a gift. He does show his love for me, but not in the typical romantic ways all women wish for. I just had to think about it and realize those ways. For example, when he gets home, he plays with the kids, watches TV or plays nintendo games with my oldest daughter. He rarely does any housework or cleans up after dinner, etc. on weeknights. He also lets me go shopping for groceries, or whatever at night without asking me to take ANY of our four very young kids. I asked him about it one time, and he said he wants to 'give me a break' from the kids when he gets home, so he tries to keep them entertained while I can get some things done for myself. It's not flowers and jewelry, but it is actually much more useful and productive for me. I'll take it.

As far as what I give to him on the special occasions: I just do what I want to do for him. That's the way I show my love for him. I put time and effort and a lot of thought into my special gifts for him, and I like to do it. I have come to expect nothing in return on those mutual gift giving days (like Valentine's Day), except maybe an afterthough he picks up on his way home from work the day of, or the next day when he feels a little bad about not getting me anything special.

What I'm trying to say is: If you love him, don't try to change him. Pick your battles. If socializing with friends or going out is important to you, let him know, and plan a date night or a party once in a while that he knows he must be a part of. If getting gifts is important to you, tell him that, and don't try and make him do some other thing he doesn't like to do. It's really all about compromise and expectations. You can't expect him to do something on his own that he's never been good at doing in the first place. HOpe this helps. Good luck, and hang in there.

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G.,
That sounds like a hard situation. Something that helped me connect more with my husband was a book called "Love and REspect" by Emerson Eggerich. It is defiently not a cure all but it brought to light some ideas I hadn't heard before and made me more aware of things I could do to get my husbands attention. Hang in there, I hope everything works out for you.
A.

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G., Been there! When my hubby and i were first living together before we got married, i was doing all the household chores, taking care of bills, working a full time and part time job, and babysitting on top of it all. i'd had my limit. I told him i needed help and we got into the worst fight of our relationship. he said he worked ninety someodd hours a week and didn't have time. i told him i felt like his maid, not his fiancee, and i wouldn't marry him until he helped me out more. that did the trick.
well, i know it can be difficult, especially with children and busy lives. but you can make it work. my hubby and i take time every evening to appreciate eachother, let eachother know how much we love eachother and so on. and while we don't get to do it often, we try to get out together once a month for a date, no kids.
think about this. some people show love by doing, some show love by saying. my hubby will clean the house once a week so i don't have to, he knows i can't relax if our home isn't picked up. your hubby brought you flowers, it may not seem like much but he's trying. baby steps. my hubby and i talk alot in bed, one, because it's quiet and we can hear eachother, and secondly because were most vunerable in such an intimate setting. it's only ever ten minutes or so, but that usually does it. i hope this helps.

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I haven't read the other responses and this might not be popular - however, I read Dr Phil's book Relationship Rescue and learned that people will often treat us badly because we let them get away with it. I finally sat my husband down and told him it wasn't fun being married to him anymore and asked him if he ws OK with that. He of course asked quite surprised, and said he didn't know. I then told him if he was fine having a wife who resented him, he shouldn't change a thing, but if he wanted a happy marriage we should talk. It took him a couple of days of seeing tat I was serious, and then we did talk and actually went to couples counseling. It's been much better.

Every woman deserves to be cherished.

PS - I just read a few posts and wanted to add that I personally found Dr Laura's books insulting. I am not fond of books that suggest that if we are treated badly, we deserved it or did something to bring it on. That kind of attitude. My sister liked them and got something different out of them, but I thought they promoted a very bad idea, that women are only treated badly if they deserve it.

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G.,

I know how you are feeling, marriage can be so complex, but i have learned a few things over the last 20 years being married. The first thing that I learned is not to rely on my husband to make me happy. I learned a long time ago after several unhappy years of marriage and a battle with cancer, that I was in control of my happiness, and if I relied on my husband for that I was going to be very disappointed. Happiness comes from within! My advice to you is to find your passion, what do you want to do with your life in addition to being a great mother and wife? Maybe your are relying too much on your husband to make you feel fulfilled, happy etc. and he is feeling like he is a failure in that department because of all your fighting and nagging so he doesnt know how to make you happy, and maybe you dont even know what is going to make you happy either. That is how I felt for many years, I just wanted things to be better, but I didnt know how to get there, but what I found is that the change started with me! When I became a healthier person (emotionally) I became a more happy greatful person! I would recommend maybe going to a marriage counselor, that was very helpful for us! What I found out in counseling is that we both wanted the same thing, we were just both behaving in very different ways that was not allowing us to find the peace and joy that we were both looking for. My best advice is DONT GIVE UP!!! You have a lot going for you and you have two little girls that need a Daddy!! It seems so easy sometimes to think that it will all be better if you just leave, but if you both love each other and love your girls I would try everything before giving up, cause that road is not an easy one either.

When you let go of your expectations of your husband and just live with out expectations, you will find that the romance will blossom!! I highly recommend a book I recently read that I wish I had read years ago, the book is "Fearless Living" by Rhonda Britten and it is amazing, I wish I had read this when I was your age....I feel like it could have saved me from a lot of heartache!!

Hope it works out for you!! Best of luck to you and your family!!

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Hi G. - I can tell you're really hurting - it's so hard when we get less than we expect from a relationship that means so much. Not knowing your full situation, it's hard to give perfect advice but I would recommend sitting down with someone - a counselor, pastor or even an older couple who you both respect. You may want to meet with someone on your own to help you process your own feelings and expectations since your husband may or may not be willing to go. I don't recommend disengaging emotionally or physically from your husband but I do encourage you to go and live your life. Get together with other women on a regular basis, invite friends into your home, find a group hobby - our husbands, especially the introverts, just can't always meet our social needs exclusively and it just does no good at all to nag them in to it. I've found that when I'm happy, my husband is happier with me.

Hope that helps, best of all things to you and your husband!

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Men just have a harder time understanding why things are important to us and why we need to feel loved and thought of by what they DO not just what they say. Sit down and talk... tell him how its been making you feel and tell him what you'd like him to do on a special day. In my family birthdays were always a celebration... a big deal. In my husband's, not so much. He's not great at birthday (especially not the one I just had) but after my last birthday we talked about what I want/would like/expect on my birthday, so he understands better. It doesn't even have to be rational (though it should be reasonable)... mostlyl I just want to feel loved, thought of and special. Good luck!

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Gabby,
Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura or read any of her books? You have to read her book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands or The Proper Care of Feeding a Marriage. Both are excellent books to help guide you and your husband to a better relationship.

Good Luck!

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You are most deffinately not the only one. I grew up with a father that is totaly unsociable. My mother loves meeting people and going to parties but he would rather stay home and watch T.V. I don't remember him doing anything romantic for my mother some guys just dont have that gene including my hubby. If you want to do romantic stuff dont leave it up to him to plan something. In this day and age it is perfectly normal for the woman to plan outings dinners romantic trips. Dont hold it against him for not thinking of it first he may just not know how. Keep trying and go for things you both enjoy.

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G., sounds like you're really feeling heartbroken...but remember that love isn't just the 'special' feelings you get when you kiss someone...it's also standing by them when they are at their worst...nagging/screaming/etc. isn't gonna get you what you want...i'm sure others are going to have more advice but maybe the two of you could at least start a date nite each week...since your hubby doesn't like the social scene keep it something simple and private...and spend the time talking to and listening to each other...now when it comes to conversation, guys generally aren't into detailed discussions so when you ask how school was don't expect a play-by-play answer right away, but do try to prompt more discussion with questions that need more than a yes/no response...i think you two need to reconnect as a couple and communication is key...it's so hard when your life revolves around the kids and home stuff...and he appears to have so much going on especially with his education...talk to him about you taking some classes, perhaps at a local community college...this may help you feel more fulfilled... good luck!

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You are not alone. Seriously G., I think most of us hit a point like this and sometimes its for years. You and your husband are not seeing eye to eye and while you are telling him about your needs he isn't hearing them. That said... I am afraid as women sometimes we have these expectations and most men do not measure up.

My husband and I have struggled and still do in some ways, we are in therapy for several reasons, but one of the most significant things we have been told over and over and over in our sessions is to have quality and quantity time together. Instead of living parallel lives to really remember why you fell in love in the first place. So take time everyday to just be with each other... no technology- no tv, computer, phones and no kids... just you two spending time together, talking, walking, playing a game together. Its been hard truth be told and we are still working on it. The other thing is a date night every week, no matter what. Go out as a couple and do something... anything... it doesn't have to be costly... just has to be a date.

I would suggest reading the Five Love Languages, becasue you and your husband obviously speak love differently from each other. It would be a book you should read together becasue you will begin to understand how he feels love and how he expresses it as well as how you feel love and how you express it.

Marriage therapy would not be bad thing...

It also sounds like you need to reconnect with yourself... what are things that you really enjoy doing, maybe things you did before you got married and had kids, maybe things that made you feel proud, or just feel like G.? What are some interests you have that you have not pursued? Have you always wanted to try something, learn something, go somewhere?

I think sometimes we give give give as moms, wives... women and we don't recieve... sometimes its because we put everyone else first and they don't do the same thing... so we are last on our list and it feels like last on everyone elses list and that is sad, depressing, disheartening. Stop putting yourself last. Take a night a week that is yours, leave the kids with daddy and go do something wonderful for you- Do something for you every day even if it is as small as watching a favorite program, eating a piece of chocolate, having a bubble bath- do something to treat yourself like a real person.

If you have never seen it, you might look for The Secret... it can be life altering, and help you look at your life differently.

G. if nothing else seems to work or your husband refuses to seek counseling, look into it for yourself... it can give clarity, hope, and strength. Mostly in all this babbling I really just want you to know you are not alone. I really hope you find what you are looking for. Your husband will not be a student forever although it must feel that way right now, know that "this too shall pass." Good luck and I am sorry Valentines day was so disappointing... I am begining to think that is what Valentines day is for.

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Wow, G.. You got a lot of responses! This is a topic that hits close to home for most of us, I think.

I think you received a lot of great ideas. The only ones I disagree with are to leave the marriage if you aren't getting what you want. Marriage is a commitment, for better or worse. Don't be a quitter. Don't even let divorce be an option :) If it is, then you will take it and regret it later. Plus, as you can read from all the responses, the next guy will probably be just the same. Stay with the one you have a history with who is the father of your children.

This is still the man you married, he is just distracted. But maybe you are too? Be who he married regardless of how he responds.

I can remember about 11 years ago when my husband was gone all the time and I was angry and unkind and self righteous. I'm sure you can guess that that didn't help. In fact, things went from bad to worse.

BUT, then MY heart changed and I began to work on ME. (partly due to the book "The Other Side of the Garden" by Virginia Fugate") It took over 6 months for my husband to really believe that it was for real, and respond back to me. I think the rule is that it will take as long to get your marriage to where you want it as it took for your marriage to get to where it is. Anyway, during that time, God gave me His love for my husband and my husband saw it and our marriage changed. My husband began telling his friends about the book I was reading! :)

I guess what I'm saying is to work on improving your role, your actions and your attitude in the marriage and see what happens.

PS One little thing I do is to leave reading material in the bathroom that will encourage my husband. Maybe a book "you" are reading about marriage??? Don't talk to him about it. It's the book "you" are reading. You just leave it there to read when you are in there. Chances are, he will pick it up and glance through it too. :)

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You are not the only one. I lost my marriage becuase of expectations. I am learning that when I am with someone I need to accept them for who they are. If I want a man to be romantic then I need to be with a man that is romantic. I also have learned that if I give and expect something in return then I had the wrong motives for giving. A true gift is one that is given because you want to give, not expecting anything just to give. It is astonishing the reactions from people when you give freely. To me it is a true gift of love. I hope when I find another man, I will let him be a man. It is a wonderful thing to know what is different about your loved one. It is another thing to accept the whole packsge. Try it you might be surprised. I was.

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Don't know if it will help you but I read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It really helped me. Some of the things really sound like they won't work but give it a try...what do you have to lose? Good luck! And take care of yourself so that you have something to give to your family!

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Hi G.,
I've been where you are with my marriage and my dh. Can I recommend a great book that will certainly help. It's called the "Power of the praying wife" by Stormie Omartian. It is awesome. Helps you see you husband in a different light as well as how you react and interact with him. Also, while you are at the book store pick up the "Power of the praying woman" same auther, it will help build you up, too. They are only about $9, small paperbacks but powerfully helpful.
God Bless,

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I think all marriages hit lolls. I remember feeling the way you are describing. I've been married 30 yrs. w/5 children and the best advice has come from Dr. Laura's books, "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", "Women Power" and "Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage". It has worked like magic and helped me understand my husband and men. Our marriage is so much better because I made a change...which lead to my husband adoring me instead of avoiding me. Get them right away and DO what she suggests!!!

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i am a 46 year old woman who has been married for 29 years. my husband also didnt ever get me gifts for any of the holidays. he doesnt even celebrate our anniversary. but i gave up on expecting him to change and our life got better. now every once in a while he will buy me a gift out of the blue and that makes it seem so much more special because it wasnt just because it was a holiday. i think people pay too much attention to what all the world is doing and dont realize what they have right there in front of them. keep on giving him gifts because you love him but dont expect him to give you one. take him as he is with all the love he has for you and enjoy your time together. and remember being a MOM and housewife are the greatest job anyone could have!!

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You are not alone. I have a 5yr old and a 2.5 yr old. I've been married 9yrs. I quit my job when my first child was born to be a stay at home mom. I love it most days and would give anything to work other days. So, I remember feeling the same way you do now. I was exhausted, but wanted to have date night, go out night or catch up with friends night. I wanted ADULT conversation. What I got was a tired husband that was also fine watching tv.

For me I was lonely. I loved/love my husband very much but was like you needing some romance. I'd make a big deal out of all holidays, just like you are. I remember he forgot my birthday the year my daughter turned one. Hers was a big deal, mine not even penciled onto his calendar. So, what I did after I wept, called my mom and screamed was: Talked.

We talked and I realized he was working as hard as I was. He was making the income that allowed me to stay at home with our children like I always wanted. I was selfish, but also I wanted to be placed above work, family etc. I wanted to be number 1 again like I was when we dated, how we were when we first got married. He realized that I needed some adult conversation. So, we agreed on "US" time. We could have date night, go out night, or catch up with friends night and make a plan to do so every other weekend. He would plan one outing and I the next and so on. We'd get a babysitter, no matter how expensive they were, we needed this time alone together.

This has worked so well for us for 4+ yrs. Perhaps, it might work for you. I can watch tv and kick back with my husband knowing that I will be romanced the following week. It is also nice to date again, to have adult conversation, to feel like I'm in the number 1 spot once again.

Good Luck. Remember to talk.

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I hope it is only you are looking for romance in the wrong places.

"I love my love everyday and a paperboard printout
for three dollars
on one day
is no match for the gifts I bestow everyday."

Quietly watch him some days and see what it is that he does that is could be considered romantic toward you. Your values are obviously different when it comes to the socially accepted celebrations, so maybe his romance is dailiy, and more subtle.

Good luck, and I wish you the best discoveries.

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The best book I have EVER read is "Love and Respect" by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. My father in law is a pastor and he says in all his years of ministry it is THE best book he has ever read on marriage. It is the only book he has bought for any of his children on this subject. I take that as high praise because I respect him highly.

If you were to ask your husband if he felt loved you might be surprised. His answer may be eerily similar to yours. You see, men and women view what constitutes love completely differently (no surprise there). They also show it differently. Each shows it the way they want to receive it-problem is it doesn't match up.

A man shows love by being consistent, steadfast, a provider, a leader, a problem solver, and a friend. He feels loved when he knows you appreciate him for working hard, protecting you, when you let him lead, when you allow him to problem solve, and when you just sit shoulder to shoulder with him.

A woman shows love with words, openness, romance, sensitivity, selflessness, giving. She feels loved when she is listened to, knows she heard, knows her partner is committed, feels closeness, cherished and honored (thats the romance).

What we have to do is start looking for the ways our spouse IS showing love rather then focusing on what is missing! We also have to start doing what they see as love towards them. When was the last time you met your husband at the door with a glass of soda or a beer when he came home? When was the last time you just sat quietly next to him on the couch while he watched the tv. (that is "shoulder to shoulder" to them.) THAT means a lot to them. When was the last time you asked him for his input on a problem and actually TOOK his advice--they feel loved when you do that. All of sudden when you start doing the things that they feel loved by they start acting different too.

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The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a great book. If he is abusive, that is a whole other issue and this book wont help it. However, if your husband has a good heart but is simply a man that doesn't remember special occasions or think of the sentimental stuff we women do, this will help you understand them, cater to what makes them feel loved and will get a great response. Don't tell him you are reading it and you will be amazed at how he suddenly changes in response to how YOU change. Don't give up. Good luck!

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You are not alone.

But marriage is not the "Happily Ever After" that every woman dreams of before they are actually married. This may not be easy for you, but you can turn your marriage around.

The first thing that you need to do is: BE HAPPY!

Even if he is watching TV, don't let that stop you from enjoying the precious time that you have with your children. Plan a fun family night, and if he chooses not to go, then accept his choice, and go without him. But be happy about it. Be happy that you get to see their smiling faces. Enjoy their laughter. Smile the whole night through.

Be the bigger man. Love comes and goes. We all feel it in different phases and levels. Sometimes it's up, and sometimes it's down. But the only person you can change is you. So be the loving wife, even if he doesn't respond at first.

Remember what you were like when you first got married? If you are anything like me, I was bringing him breakfast in bed. I always made sure his laundry was clean and folded just how he liked it. I made sure that I fixed his favorite dinners, and we loved to spend time with each other. You need to bring those days back. So bring him breakfast in bed. Make his favorite dinners, and let him eat in front of the TV if he wants. Tell him how much you love him throughout the day. Make sure you kiss him goodbye in the morning, and run to the door when he gets home, just to wrap your arms around him, and tell him you're glad to have him home again. But the most important part, is to accept his choices. Before long, he will want to reciprocate the loving gestures. He will want to be with you again, and enjoy the time that you have together. Maybe you can put the kids to bed early, and lay your head on his lap as he watches TV. Be the wife of his dreams, and soon he will be the husband that you dreamed of.

Even if you have to pretend at first, do it well. Fake it 'till you make it. He will come around. Don't give up...You would be just trading one set of man troubles for another man's troubles. Hang in there, and smile the day away. Even when you don't feel like smiling.

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G.,
all I can really say is, you are so not alone. I see similarities to your situation in mine. My husband is pursing his masters also is a full time assistant college basketball coach who travels all the time. I am a stay at home mom and have two daughters under 5. Life goes up and down, last night when we had our argument on valentines day, I realized that there has to be down time in order to have up time. There is no good without the bad. But also everyone's life is a little different. I know at least 2 days out of the week will be good. And knowing that helps me not get my hopes up and be disappointed. If I were you I would read books and ask your husband to read them too, on marital suggestions. Men can be so difficult, but if you truly love him, keep trying, but realize there is no happily ever after. We all will have hard times again and again, but it will make us stronger and closer to our spouse if we get through them.

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You are not the only one. I have been married for 14 mostly happy years to an anti-social butterfly! I too was bewildered and hurt after we got married and the romance stopped. I have discovered over the years that he finds my very social personality equally frustrating at times. Unfortunately changing one another is never going to work. What we have learned to do is keep on communicationg about the situation and trying a little harder on both ends. Do I still want a hubby who loves family gatherings and having friends over and will race out and buy me flowers on a whim? Definitely. Is it going to happen? Probably not. I choose to appreciate the rare times when things go my way. We also have agreed to give each other updates when we start to slack off on paying attention to each other. We have learned what makes each other feel loved and do it. I know that when I do something for him or spend time with him physically his love tank is being filled, and he knows that going on dates and telling me I look nice makes me feel loved. This personality is also hard on family and friends sometimes. They may think your hubby doesn't like them and you have to make excuses a lot for him. Don't. I finally just told them that he doesn't enjoy getting together all the time and it actually becomes stressful to him to try and live up to our expectations. Its not everyones cup of tea. They now recognize that he is out of his comfort zone when he does participate and appreciate it even more. I should also point out tha the change in our relationship didn't happen overnight. I finally stopped nagging and did what I could to make him feel loved and respected and he eventually followed suit.

G.,
I think you've gotten so many responses because so many of us have been there at some point in our marriages. I think you are depending too much on your husband to make you happy. You need to find ways to make yourself happy. Take time for yourself, send yourself flowers, excercise, take a trip, join a women's group, whatever YOU want. Part of that is also telling your husband what you want in a reasonable, rational manner (not yelling and screaming or nagging - all of which never get good responses), and maybe he'll respond, but don't wait for him to do it. Take care of yourself, and I think you'll have a much better outlook on your marriage as a whole. Your husband will begin to notice you more if you feel better about yourself, I think.
Good luck and hang in there. You are not alone.

Read "The Surrendered wife" by Laura Doyle. You can take her advice and still be a feminist.

K. N

You're definitely not the only one!! A couple of people recommended the book Love Languages. I want to tell you what they are. It's a real eye opener. I'm taking this from a different book, so it may be presented a little differently. People share love and feel loved in different ways. You need to figure out how your husband give it, and he needs to know how you want it. The ways identified in my book are: Communicating love through words of encouragement, through acts of service, through gift-giving, through spending quality time together, and through physical touch and closeness. We have a primary language that help us to connect more than the other 4. It is the one you enjoy most receiving and the one you tend to communicate to other people. My book suggests that people learn how to speak all 5 languages, but simply identifying which is yours and your husbands will help you to "communicate better". Understanding this has helped my husband and I to understand each other better.

Also, definitely talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Don't accuse him of anything. Just let him know you're not feeling loved, and that this is a serious issue to you. You want to know what each of you can do that you both feel comfortable with and will meet your needs. BTW - My husband only takes me seriously when I DO cry. Some people only pay attention when you write it down on paper (my dad - who tends to get very defensive and angry, can take the time to get over his emotions and see what we really have to say).

Good luck. Get this dealt with. The longer it takes, the deeper the wounds become, and the less likely you are to recover from it.

ive been married 25 yrs... marriage is something you both have to work at and each give 100%. i know its not always easy at times... but it can be done..
if you need to seek out some advice from a marriage counselor.. there's nothing wrong with that..
i do remember one day just before our son was born ,[he turned 13 this month...]my husband says... i know i will have to give you up when this baby is born? i felt very overwhelmed .. as he went on to tell me he knew that having a child would mean , when the baby had needs it was more of the mothering job, not to under estimate the role that dad's have either.. we made this child together and we need to care for this child together . sometimes interruptions happen, we get tired, we need a break , maybe we feel left out because we are at work/school and cant see our child[ren]first walk or hear them talk, and the list goes on...
make time to find that man you married. take a date night at least once every two weeks without kids, and try to find something that can bring you back together.
i believe in you, if your heart is truly searching for that lonely gap to be met , you will need to keep trying . it might not be easy at times .
in the time of harsh words, remember that they cant be taken back and cut to the heart..never forgotten.
if at all possible, try and get out during the day.. go to the library with your girls, its free,of course in the winter its a little harder to find outside activities, but maybe you need to help get your mind active.
maybe you can have mom and me get togethers for other stay at home mom's. dont allow it to be a pitty party that picks apart your spouses, but a time of teaching the kids something fun.. put yourself in that mode of learning with them... take picures, draw with chalk just make it a safe zone for fun and learning..try exchanging babysitting for an hour here and there so you can make a date with your husband..
reenergize yourself ....
take time out to rest before your evening starts.
turn the tv off before he gets home , put some nice music on.. set the stage, make it different.
i hope maybe something i wrote might help..
we are still working at our marriage everyday.. sometimes it means doing things that i dont like but maybe that day wasnt my turn to do what we are doing...think back for a moment......

what brought you together in the beginning?
things dont change overnight as they didnt happen overnight either, but, with patience , love, understanding, forgiveness, sharing and caring you can help to make it work.you need to keep trying for your girls.
dont make threats. if you dont plan on doing it. his self esteem might already be shakey because he is in school, has a family , the needs are being met but pressure all around.
if you would like to email me i have a great web page to send you to for married coulpes. it is written by both husband and wife. sometimes i believe what they say and other times i am like okay.. but its been worth it to read and be encouraged by their words...
i hope you can find something i wrote to be uplifting and maybe a idea ?
best wishes to you.
i will send my email via private.
m2

G.,
I just got the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and am trying to work on our marriage. Marriage is work and commitment. When everyone is so busy it takes organization of schedules to get things going. You have a nine month old and sometimes you feel like no one cares about what you do. But he was happy to have a special dinner and you did get flowers. So those are positives.
Try talking to him. Don't nag or scream just talk and LISTEN he might be feeling over extended.
Good Luck,
C. B

Your not the only one! The only time I received flowers in my 10 years of marrage is when I was giving birth to our second child (which was a dificult birth) and I screamed out in a very scarey, demon like voice "You better get me flowers!" And sure enough when I woke up in the OR there was the largest bouqet of flowers I have ever received. So one time in 10 years, I count myself lucky. Men have their own way of showing "bonding". My husband says he loves me all the time but all I want is for him to put his smelly socks in the hamper. To me that would really show he cares. And I have found that men generally would enjoy your company, all you have to do is say nothing and just stand or sit next to them. They like it. When my husband is out in the garage tinkering around, I will go "hang out" with him. I don't do a thing, just stand next to him and watch him. He loves it! And if you inquire about his day, week, plans, or the task at hand, you might actually get a conversation. Each person has their own love language, figure out what makes him smile and love him. Marrage is not 50-50 it's 100-100. Just love on him and show him grace they will eventually get it, when their 90 or so, HA HA. One geat marrage book that really worked for my marrage is Love and Respect. I highly recomend it.

A lot of guys are like this. Not making big romantic gestures does not mean he doesn't love you.

One thing I've done about holidays is look at how I'd like the day to go, and then plan my OWN activities so that I'm doing the things I want to do. If I want to have a fancy dinner, I'll plan to either make the dinner or make the reservation. But I make sure I'm not doing it just for him, but for myself as well. If there's a particular gift I want, I'll make sure I've specified that to my husband. (Or, I'll allocate some of my own money to get it for myself.)

Your husband sitting down to watch TV when you want help or romance is a pretty common problem too. I think if you're planning a special evening and you'd like it to not involve TV, it's probably a good idea to have that conversation before the actual day. "Honey, for Valentine's Day I'd like to really have an evening where we can talk to each other and reconnect." Make it clear that this is more important to you than flowers or a card. For many husbands, if you suggest it might lead to some quality time together in the bedroom that's a big motivator as well.

You've got two daughters now. I think as they get older you might be able to encourage them to make a fuss over you for your birthday and Mother's Day at least.

It sounds like you still love your husband. I think the counseling that others have recommended is a great idea. Also, look for social groups where you can have regular emotional support and the occasional party, even without your husband. Expecting one person to meet all of our needs puts a huge stress on a relationship.

Hi G..
Hang in there. Many marriages dissolve around 6-7 years, so this is when you can choose to beat the odds and stick to it. I've been married 17 years and we have 4 kids. Some years are great, some years are not . . . but the valleys always turn into peaks again.
Two books that have great information . . . Five Love Languages by Chapman. Chances are you and your husband have very different love langauages; he may feel fulfilled in different ways than you, and have no idea what you need or that you aren't feeling fulfilled.
Second book ... In the Company of Women by Hunter. Women need the friendship of other women. Find some friends. Celebrate with your friends, find ways to get your socializing elsewhere, then you may feel fulfilled and can be content socializing at home with your hubby.
The Magic Valley has a great La Leche League group for breastfeeding moms (call Summer ###-###-#### for info), and there are other groups around, too. It feels very isolating at times to be the caretaker of little ones at home. I hope you find some places to get out with your kiddos!

Hi G., My first question is, Was he very romantic while you were dating? Sometimes when we are dating and in love we overlook some of the things that will bother us later in life. I have been where you are, but realized all I was doing is making myself miserable and my poor husband was miserable too. Not to mention the effect it has on the kids when Mom and Dad are grumpy with each other most of the time. My husband used to wait until the day after Valentine's Day to get me a 75% off box of chocolates. Now he spoils me with lots of different candies and gifts. What you need is an attitude change. When you are thinking bad things about him, shut it off and think of something you love about him, or think of something you can do to make his day better. Sometimes all it takes is a little squeeze of his arm as you walk by him. When I make my husband's lunch in the morning before he goes off to a job he hates, but does it to take care of me and our two kids, I surprise him sometimes with a little love note left inside. I know it makes him smile and think of me at least once during his hard day. Also, I suggest you pick up a couple of books. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." And read them in that order. I was a little skeptical when I started reading them, but they really saved my marriage. When you change, he will change. You can also listen to Dr. Laura, the author of both of those books, on the radio. You will hear women call in with the same gripes as you, and also hear the husband's side of it. I listen to get an attitude boost when I start getting moody, but listen just about every day to learn something about what to do if a particular situation ever pops up in my marriage or with my kids. She gives great advice. You can go to drlaura.com to find out when and what station she is on where you are. Men who are unhappy at home because their wives have become naggers will go find someone else to make them happy. Even if we think there is no way our husbands would do that. They could be just waiting until the kids are 18 and out of the house to find someone nicer. Hope this helps. I really wish you well on this. The divorce rate in our country is shocking.

Do I think you are the only one...No. To be perfectly honest, I think, there are more than would admit it that they have felt this way at some time or another.

My husband graduated last April with his Master in Accountancy. During that time, he would work part-time, go class, and come have dinner and do his homework. When he did have some extra down time he would often turn on a computer game. After he graduated, we moved. Often times, even now he'll come home play with our son while I get dinner ready, we have dinner, and then there's usually something else... a tv show, a computer game, somewhere he has to be, etc. At times, it did and still does get frustrating sometimes. And I would say we are both very much in love and are happily married.

So do I think you are expecting too much of your husband... yes and no. I think there needs to be compromise on both parts, so needs are being met for both you and your husband. So here is my advice, and I hope it is truly helpful because marriage and family are so important.

At times, I have struggled with being depressed and feeling so alone. The first when I became a new mom, and then when we moved to where I didn't know anyone have probably been the two hardest times. So my first bit of advice is fine friends outside of your home. Join a mommy and me group, a church group, an exercise group, whatever. It is so easy to stay just at home when you are a stay-at-home mom. You are isolating yourself for other adults. Find other women who are like you. It helps so much. I've finally made some friends here after 9 months, and it makes my day at little easier. And if my day is a little easier then when my husband comes home, I'm not as stressed. I feel like I can manage things a little better. And then I just in a better mood.

I asked my husband once about computer games and other distractions and asked him why he didn't want to be spending that time with me. He told me that he needed some time to unwind and not to have to think about his responsibilities for a little while. I'm guessing it might be the same for your husband. And not to be rude, but I am sure your yelling and nagging don't help alleviate any stress. I think, you've got to quit that as soon as possible. They may not express their feelings like we do, but they do have them. No one wants to be put down. So easy up on your husband, and give him some time to relax and wind down at the end of the day.

But like I said, you shouldn't always have to give up everything. There should be compromise. So after I've tried to give him some space and some time to relax (which if possible, in that time find your own hobby to do something for yourself), and then, without being condescending or harsh, tell your husband, Hon, I could really use some "us" time. Could we turn off the tv and spend some time together. Can we talk? Or can you just hold me a minute? I think, it's good to be honest and open with your husband. They wanted to be feel wanted and loved just as much as we do, but we just come at it at different directions.

I would say this compromise has been good for us. I have found out how to help him be happier and he is willing to make the time for me especially if he knows I need it. Men aren't mind readers, and usually aren't very good with hints either, so they need us to tell them.

Now to the actually holiday part of your question. Again, compromise. First, you should never do something expecting your husband to top it. Maybe he will or maybe he won't, but that isn't why you should do something. Just do it show him you love him and because you want to make him happy. Not always easy, but I've learned the hard way pure motives are the better way to go.

Next, pick and choose your holidays. For example, my birthday is next week, so we have decided not to do anything for Valentine's, but to do something for my birthday. Last night we all went out to dinner as a family and that was it. Next week, my son is going to grandma's to spend the night so we can have a night out. I also told my husband, I expected at least a card. We have also set aside a budget for all holidays with a certain amount we can spend on each other. This helps keep things balanced, so one of us isn't so much more extravagant than the other, but there is the money for us to get something for each other. And maybe you can work it out where Thanksgiving is a family thing, but for Christmas Eve you get to set up the tradition of a party with good friends... or whatever works for you two. Be willing to hear and acknowledge his feelings, as well as without being critical express yours, and I think you'll find you be able to work things out.

I truly believe he still loves you and you still love him. Your two girls deserve a happy home and to have their dad around as well as you. I think, that as you find ways to help yourself by finding friends and hobbies, as well as truly serving and loving your husband for the man he is right now then you will start to be happier. And I think you'll start to see a difference in your husband and in your marriage. And not because you are changing him... you can't change him. But by making your home a happier place and by showing him the respect he deserves, he will feel less defensive, more at ease, happier, and more willing to give you the respect that you deserve too. Be patient. Don't give up! You can find your happily (if not perfect) ever after.

Hi G.
Have you ever listened to Dr Laura? She is on KBOI the radio station at 1:00 pm. every weekday. She has a lot of advice for this kind of thing. If you are interested, pull up kboi.com and you will see her link.
I wish you luck
K.

When we feel like we aren't being taken seriously, or properly respected, or feel like are needs aren't being met, it is usually because we are not doing that for ourselves. I have noticed within my marriage, when I am frustrated with my husband for something, if I stop and get really honest with myself, it is because I set that precedent--like when I'm driving and I KNOW the right way to go and he barks at me at the last second where to turn--if I don't trust my-self, then I am furious when we go down the wrong turn and it is, of course, wrong (we have now agreed that whoever is driving makes the call and the passenger only offers solicited advice). When I take myself seriously, I am not offended when someone else doesn't.

Think from your husband's point of view: he has to do something BIG or you will be disappointed. He is probably not interested in V-Day at all (if he's typical)--that doesn't mean he doesn't love you--he probably just doesn't feel that is the way he wants to express his love. So he has to spend a lot of time and money on something that (from his point of view) will probably be "wrong" anyway--so why bother? If his motivation to do something for you is to avoid conflict (which he may feel is inevitable anyway--a lot of guys do in this situation) and to avoid your resentment, that breeds resentment in him and he will rebel by not doing anything.

The next time you have an expectation like that, instead of pouring a lot of energy into an event that you want to have "topped", pour that energy into meeting your own needs. Buy yourself flowers or chocolates. Use the same money and time that you normally would, but do what you want to do just for you. Maybe next Valentine's, you can go to the spa or if your budget is tighter, get a manicure. Buy yourself the flowers you want and write yourself a love note from you to you—the one that your soul longs to get that he couldn’t possibly anticipate. Meet your own needs and let him off the hook. It will make you feel more confident and loved (because when we feel unloved, it is from within and no amount of effort or thoughtfulness or extravagance from another will change that feeling and so most people who love someone who feels that way stop making an effort altogether since no matter what they do, it is for nothing). It will make you both happier since he doesn't have to worry about conflict (so that impenetrable wall around him will relax) and you get what you want. It will also dramatically increase your chances of him doing something from his heart (which might manifest in a totally different way than you envision) and because you have relinquished your expectations, you will be happy with what ever you do or don't get from him.

I know exactly how you feel and I am so much happier since I have changed my perspective and have started to take care of my own needs instead of being mad and hurt and resentful all the time because he didn't anticipate and then fulfill my needs.

Good luck.

HANG IN THERE! i too have a full time student for a husband and it is hard. He is not the most romantic man I have ever met eitehr. Talk to your husband about what you need from him- you are home all day and want to get out .He is working all day and wants to relax and stay home- it is a clash of the titans that is normal. I work full time so I understand both sides, I love to go out as well. I have foudn the comprimse in hosting dinner parties at my house-that way he dose not always have to go out but I get to have some fun with others. he too will have to comprimse and go out!

In terms of no romance- I just think that is men once they get married. Every once in awhile my husband suprises but for the most part he is not a huge romantic. I have talked to him about it and he tries.

Ahh studnet husbands are really hard. This is our second degree together for him and it takes a toll. If you have not already make firends with other wives who have studnet husbands- I playfully call us the Acadmeic Widows! That way you have others who understand what you are going through and understand when your husband does not show up for things.

Good Luck!
S.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I am going to have to disagree with most of the suggestions here, however. First- my best suggestion for you is therapy. In my relationship, we were going through some really tough issues, not the same ones as you, but tough. My personal experience with it is that whent he situation is explained to an objective third party, who then recites the situation back in different words, was able to open his eyes more than I ever could have hoped to. Especially for guys, hearing it from someone other than you (whom they have come to expect it from and so have a tendency to just kind of ignore it), really makes them realize there is a problem. The next thing I am going to tell you, though, is the best advice my mom ever gave me. Never stay where you are JUST because its easiest. Essentially- never settle. I truly hope this changes for you, BUT if it doesn't- where do you want to be in 10 years. Do you want to look back, still unhappy, and realize that you spent the last 10 years unhappy?? I know its hard, but rule number one- you have to make yourself happy!!! I really feel for you, I know its rough, and you are still young (As am I, I'm 24, and I am a Stay at Home Mom as well... so I know where you're coming from), these feelings are no way to start this chapter in your life. If you decide to try therapy and it seems to have a positive effect, you may also want to sit down and think about some things that really make you happy and work on developing those into something you can do with your time, so that you feel like you are doing something more than you are now... like- a part time job, volunteering, even taking a class in something you really like to do?!?! Good luck, and feel free to write me a message if you would like to talk further!

You are not the only one. I also made preparations and suprised my husband, and not a word, not a thanks, just an I'm tired, (but not too tired to watch T.V.) I feel you and I are almost 2 peas in a pod. My husband is not a holiday person, I do ALL of the Christmas decorations, in and out... and would love to have people over, but there is always an excuse as to why it is not a good time. I would like to offer advice, but can only share what I am learning day by day. I love my husband with a committed love, I made a promise and intend to keep it. I have also learned that the work place is a cruel and demeaning world. My husband refuses to bring work home, for which I am grateful, but it keeps me in the dark about what he is dealing with. So my goal is to build him up at home and make this such a welcoming place that he can find peace and comfort here. Men and women are so different! We find our value in love, romance, the feeling that we are incredibly special and irreplaceable. Men on the other hand find value in being respected. Many times there is not much respect at work, so the only other place to find respect is at home. I haven't shown my husband much respect over the years through complaining, and nagging. But I think I am starting to grow up and not just think about myself, but to think more about his needs. And you know, I am starting to see a slow and gradual change. Maybe not yesterday...but let this encourage you as it has encouraged me. I gave him a card yesterday morning, left it in his car to find. And I got a call from him saying that it meant so much to him and he didn't feel that he deserved it. (This coming from him is huge!) And all I put is that I love him, and have a deep respect for what he does for this family daily by providing for us, and taking care of us. That doesn't mean he is going to respond the way I want him to, but I did what I needed to. I can only control my responses. So I guess I am encouraging you not to give up on him, but to be strong and support him. I was never promised marriage would be easy, now I understand what they meant!!!

I am a "newly" 40 year old shm with 4 kids ages 12, 10, 8, and 4. My husband works 10 hour days, leaving at 5:30 am so he can be home before bedtime.

G.,
Give you and your husband the gift of Marriage Connections workshop coming this April! In this workshop you will receive many tools of connection and romance. The first weekend you will be learning how to massage each other through a LMT.
Check out the website www.lovingconnectionsllc.com
There is a 15% discount for mamasource members.
With Joy,
C.

It looks like you have all kinds of responses, and many of them are very insightful. I hope you will look into all the options suggested.
I wanted to just share with you my perspective, even if it is not too different from the others.
When I was reading your post I could not help but feel like I was reading my own thoughts. I too have been married for six years, I am 26, and I have three babies. My husband swept me off my feet while we were dating. He would bring me flowers, leave notes on my car, call me just because, and do random little things ALL the time. I felt like a Queen and even more so, I felt like he truly valued me and wanted me. The day I got married it immediate stopped - all of it. I had a really hard time adjusting to no attention. The t.v. got more than I did (and it usually still does).- unless I am naked :) The fact is, that I did a lot of what you are experiencing. I would do wonderful things for birthdays and special occasions thinking he would "get it" and do the same for me. Nope. I often felt angry and frustrated so I took it out on him. I would yell about things and get upset all the time. I felt like a time bomb! I tried talking to my husband about it, thinking that if I just shared with him what I needed it would all get better. The truth is that it took some time. Men do not work like we do, I wish they did, but they have to be told and retold often about our needs and wants. We cannot just expect them to figure it out. I have learned that if I want romance, I have to be the one to make an effort. I cannot sit around and complain about something that I myself am not doing. It is a funny thing how this works, but when you notice you do not get something you need, like romance, once you start to show it to him often and without holding a grudge, you will see a change. At least that is how it should work.
I know that it is difficult to keep all that frustration and emotion bottled up, so do not do it. Find something you enjoy that you can do for YOU. Use it as an outlet. Create that joy in your own life first. Use this forum as an outlet if you must, there are plenty of us women here who can relate. :) Another thought is, talk to your doctor. I know that it may seem silly, but often our emotions create extremes out of something small. I finally decided to talk to my doctor about my feelings after five years. The biggest reason is that I felt like I was angry all the time. Everything made me want to explode, it was effecting my children and I was become a bit depressed by it all - the feeling of hopelessness it would create. I have been on Wellbutrin for a good 9 months now and I cannot tell you how it has helped me. It did not fix my problems, but it has helped me to keep a clear head when I start to feel frustrated. I feel more in control and when I am in control I have the better ability to see clearly and make decisions that will produce a better more desirable outcome. Does that make sense?
I really do hope that things get better. I truly can relate. Keep a positive outlook and try some of the other suggestions, perhaps the counseling would be great - couples would be nice, but just something for you will help too (I have done that myself as well). I may not have all the answers but I have been there, and I am still there - but I am happier and more proactive now. Best of Luck!

G., I have a husband who is Federal LEO and works shift work. He is from a small town in Oklahoma and hates big crowds and large cities. I grew up as an army brat at Fort Hood and am the opposite of him. I had to learn not to expect what he is not capable of doing. I have made my own life thru voluntering and our kids. Once he saw I was doing things and having fun on my own, it helped. He now does more with me and the kids. I also at one time went "on strike". I did not do his laundry- just mine and the kids. I quit doing things for him, kinda mean I guess. But it worked.
Is there a mommy group locally that you can join? Or something thru a church? Just because he is at home does not mean that you have to be! Do you ever try to have a date night? Call him and ask him out! I hope things ger better, it takes time-I know!

No your not the only one. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and from the sounds of it our husbands could be brothers. I used to get very angry and yell and scream because like you I felt like crying. My sisters husband is the exact opposite of my husband and I used to get jealous thinking how I wished my husband would do some of those romantic things for me. One day I just realized that I couldn't change him and if I was going to be happy I would have to accept him. From then on if I wanted to go somewhere I went, without him, eventually he started joining in on occasion and when he doesn't I go anyway. I am a very social person and so are my children and I am not going to change either and he has accepted that. And believe it or not we are happy.
From what you have said I think your husband loves you but he just doesn't know how to show it. Flowers and jewelry are not the only way they show love look for it in other things he does. You might be surprised.
Hope this helps hang in there.

Here's a great book for you... I'd get it today! From the Library, Bookstore, a friend...Somewhere. "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. I don't know where you live, but the Orem Library has it on CD even.

Hi! I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy. I've only been married a little under a year and a half and I know it can be hard. How long have you felt like this? If it's only recent, even if it's been a year or so, I'd say stick with it. I read somewhere that 2/3 of people who stuck it out were happy with their marriage 5 years later. I know that seems like a long time, but that doesn't mean it took them that long to be happy, it just means that's when they were surveyed again. However, like I said, I know marriage can be hard, and when things are bad it seems like the good times can't outweigh them, but I bet they do.
You said your husband is in grad school? I'm still and undergrad, and I know that trying to raise my daughter and take care of my house and my husband is so overwhelming that sometimes I just kind of shut down emotionally so I don't have to deal with the stress. Maybe that's what your husband is going through, especially if he works, too. He has the pressure of providing with schoolwork piled high on top of it. Maybe TV is the thing he does to unwind (my husband plays video games, I know what it's like to be ignored for a screen).
Please don't give up! You're right, you got married for a reason. So you're not exaclty alike? That's ok, that's what makes it interesting! Since I've been married, I've discovered that it's the wife and mother who has to take care of everyone, most often while being more or less overlooked. It's not fair, but it's what we do. I think your husband loves you, he's just burned out on everything else going on in your lives right now. Keep talking to him about it, give him time. Remember, when you think you absolutely can't take it anymore, imagine life without him at all, even the good times. If that still seems better than what you have, do what you have to do, but I bet you could make it!

My husband is in his last semester of MBA school. It has been really hard- He works full time and goes to school at night.

How much longer does your husband have? Maybe sit down and tell him that you will be supportive and try not to expect too much from him while he finishes school, but that you need more romance in your relationship, and when he's done with school you will both have to figure out some set date nights or whatever it is that you need.

I think a lot of men have no idea what their wives want, so you may have to be very specific and tell him, for example, that you want him to plan a date, call a babysitter, and arrange everything as a surprise for you, and here are a list of date ideas if he needs help thinking of something.

My mom also told me when I got married, to try to do something nice for my husband every day without expecting something back. Sometimes it's as little as making the bed before he gets home from work. Sometimes it's a note in his lunch, or a shoulder massage after dinner. The idea is to get him having positive feelings about what you do for him, and pretty soon he'll start to reciprocate. It might take awhile, so be patient and don't expect anything back or you'll just end up more disappointed if it doesn't make a difference right away.