Husband Wants Lots of Kids- I don't-Wishing I Could Escape My Marriage

J., I guess I should start by telling you I'm a wacky Catholic who NFP's etc. So this is going to come from that perspective.

First I applaud your efforts at making so many sacrifices for the sake of your marraige and your family. And while your intentions were noble, they've resulted in you developing this resentment that has been bottling up and has finally come to critical mass. This isn't something that will be resolved over an email message board, or overnight. It is obvious that you and your husband need to seek professional counceling on an ongoing basis. In the meantime here are some suggestions to get you through these difficult times.

1. Continue to NFP and go on birth control but TELL your husband. Still don't have sex on your fertile days, so your honoring the components of NFP and your not creating life that will be terminated. This should take away your fear and anxiety and help you and your husband enjoy your marital relations in a morally acceptable way. I don't suggest you get pregnant again until you and your husband work things out.

2. Stop faking the funk. The old saying, fake it until you make it isn't going to cut it. I think it's great you're going to church, but unless you have a foundation in the faith and are willing to open your heart to it, it's not going to do much for you but continue to fan the flames of resentment. If you are going to raise your daughter Catholic and want to embrace the faith, then REALLY learn about it. Take classes, ask tons of questions, and pray. Pray with your husband, pray with your daughter, pray by yourself. If it doesn't take, it doesn't take. But either really do it, or don't at all. This in between thing isn't serving anyone, except for pacifing your husband in the short term. Does that make sense?

About the Catholic teaching on children.
It is my understanding that the Catholic church doesn't recommend a particular family size, rather it says to be prudent and involve God in the decision. In other words, for some people 100 kids might make sense for other people the answer is zero. Having lots of kids doesn't make someone a good or bad Catholic or even a good or bad parent. You and your husband need to figure out what is going to work for your particular family. And if you're going to be the one primarily responsible for raising them, you need to figure out what you can handle.

The loss of identity.
This is a tough one. I think all women to one extent or another deal with this issue. I gave up a pretty lucritive career to stay at home and raise my children. I do intend to work again, although never on a full time basis. I've decided that this would work for my family - not neccessarily for all families. In the meantime, I still do things for me. Once a week I do improv commedy. It sounds silly, but this is something that I do for me alone and has NOTHING to do with children. It's my escape. I suggest you get one of those. Don't lose the things that make you you, because that's what attracted your husband to you in the first place.

A good book - Heart of Compassion, The Vocation of Woman Today by Gerald Vann. It can be a tough read, but I found it inspirational. You might grapple with bits of it because your an athiest, but the message is quite good.

Good luck with your marriage. Don't give up. You love your husband and your daughter. You just need to figure out how to make it all work in a way that is uniquely yours!

God bless!

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There has to be a balance.
You don't mention what you did for work but is it possible to go back part time. I think being able to stay home is great but personally I find going to work and contributing financially to my family is very important and a great example for my children in this day and age. Even if it is not work you need to find time for yourself whether it is in a class, work, at the gym, wherever-you need to find yourself again.
Also, you might be surprised after a second child that it may change your husbands tune. With one you can easily take the burden of caring for the child away from your husband, with two you absolutely need his help and I have seen many a husband, mine included, that become overwhelmed at always having to care for at least one and now does not want anymore children (we used to want three).
It sounds like you feel like the Nanny rather than your own person. Being a Mom is very important being yourself is even more important-ask yourself would you want this for your daughter, they learn by example. I am not sure what your answer is but that is usually a good guide for me.
Lastly, you mentioned that your Husband knows he would not be good raising your one daughter as you are, so why does he not believe you when you say you know you would not be good at raising many children? Hope this helps! Good luck!

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J. -
Does your husband know how much work goes into raising a child? I only ask this because 2 of my friends have gotten into the problem with their spouses where they had no help while they were staying at home. The husbands thought the baby wasn't their job and this was the underlying root of all sorts of problems. The wives got fed up and wanted out, wanted no more kids, because they were just plain tired of basically being single moms. I saw this with 2 close friends and thought I should mention it.

If you don't want more kids, or don't want lots of kids, you don't need to make excuses, or list reasons, because there will always be a way to refute them. You just don't want to have a child that you don't want. Anything more that you say can be argued and you could lose the argument.

As for how to settle this with your husband, I really don't know. I'm sorry. I will say that even if you had wanted the same thing as him when you got married you have the right to change your mind. You have the right to only have as many kids as you want.

As to everyone saying "why did you marry him" and "why do you go to church with him"... you can't help the who love and you will always make sacrifices for who you love. Going to church is a small sacrifice compared to having lots of unwanted kids.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so sorry you are going through this really hard rift in your marriage. I read the advice you've gotten and see lots of criticism that you "should have worked this out before you got married." But as someone who has been through a terrible marriage and divorce, I want you to know that I understand how things can change over time and with marriage. Even if you know someone's beliefs before going into it, things change. You couldn't have possibly known what having a baby and family would be like, until you got there. And the reality for you is that you're unhappy and resentful of your husband and choices you've made for him, and so lost right now.

I really feel for you. Children are so different from what we expect. They are so fun and so hard and they make us into different people. I'm sure things have changed between you and your husband since you had your daughter, and that is probably making this even harder. Before getting pregnant the first time, I wanted 4 kids. Now that I have 2, I feel fulfilled and think 4 is too many for us. Men often aren't in touch with the amount of work involved in being pregnant and raising children while also caring for a house and yourself, so maybe your husband isn't in touch with actual reality.

I truly respect that you are going to church every Sunday to support your husband's beliefs. That must be hard for you as an atheist and a really big sacrifice. I'm an atheist myself and don't think I would be brave enough to do what you're doing.

I definitely think you should try to get some counseling. I would aim to do couples counseling but a lot of men are close-minded about that. Also I can imagine you might be feeling lonely. Maybe try to get out once a week and do something for yourself (take a ceramics class, go have coffee with another mom if you can find one, go for a long walk and listen to a great book on CD).

And natural family planning....some people have success, but it sounds like you're really not ready to bring another child into the world right now. I would make an appointment to talk to your OB. I have found my own OB and her midwife to be very supportive of me and helped me make hard decisions, and also held me while I cried in their office, many times. I don't recommend deceit or lying, but sometimes we feel our options are so limited that this is our only choice. Your OB can help you and then, after the fact or before, you can tell your husband what you decided, if you feel comfortable enough with him to do that. I've gone on long enough. May peace be with you.

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Hi! I'm a SAH mom to 4 beautiful kids, but let me tell you, it's definitely hard. My husband has a good job, but this day and age, it's almost impossible for us to live off of one paycheck. We barely live paycheck to paycheck these days. I love staying home with my kids, but I so miss having a job to go to, and having that chance to socialize with other adults. It has put a ton of stress on my marriage, matter of fact, my husband and I are in counseling right now. We never have any alone time anymore either which is very hard on us too. What I would suggest is to sit down with your husband and write out your weekly and monthly cost of living expenses as of right now. Then add in what it would look like for each additional child he wants to have. Show him how expensive things can really become. The other thing I would do, is tell him if he really wants your marriage to work, that you would like to try marriage/family counseling together. My husband and I are finding it's really helping us. Don't give in to every thing your husband wants, you will become very over whelmed, and it makes it even harder to get by. Like I said, I'm 29, and have four kids, so I definitely know how hard it is to make it with a large family. Good luck to you, and don't put your feelings aside, you count too.

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Wow, there are so many issues swirling around your post. Please do not bring another child into the world until you can work on resolving some of them. I say this because I worked with abused and neglected children for several years--it is just not fair to the child to have a child that is not truely wanted (they will feel the resentment if there is any). I beleive in honesty nearly all the time--but in this situation I also think it is very important to use reliable birth control at least until you can get some of your marital issues resolved (even if you go on the pill for "heavy periods" or something).
If your daughter is just over 1 year old she is still pretty young and needs a lot of care. Are you able to get reasonable amounts of sleep and decent nutrition? Have you talked to your doctor about signs of post partum depression? Being mommy takes a big physical toll on your body so it never hurts to start looking to rule out physical stuff. That being said, maybe a you are just not ready for another child yet. I know I wasn't yet when my first was turning one. I am pregnant now and my 2 will be just under 3 years apart and I doubt I would be able to manage them closer (other people may like a closer spacing but that is an individual choice).

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. I know I am not happy with it all the time and I definitely thought I would be better at it than I am. I had all kinds of job that were related to children and families (babysitting, social work, family counselor, etc) but nothing fully prepares you to be a parent 24/7. However, I am choosing to do the SAHM thing for a few years until my kids are in school. (On bad days I remind myself why I am doing this.) Can you have your husband watch your daughter for a full day/overnight/weekend so he can get a feel for how much you do and you can get a break?

At for the differences of opinion between you and your husband and the poor communication; you probably need a (non religious) marriage counselor to work this stuff out. These are such important issues you will need the communication skills first to talk about the rest. Also, you both need to be comitted to the marriage and the counsleing process. If your husband isn't willing to try counseling or making any changes you may have some tough decisions to make. Are you feeling trapped and just wishing/fantasizing about gettting out of your marriage or are you unhappy enough to seriously consider leaving? You may need to think that a lot. I would recommend journaling about it or talking to someone yourself. Also, when you figure out how serious you are...your husband needs to know as well how unhappy you are and that these unresolved issues are big enough to potentially end your marriage if not resolved. Presumably if he is a good Catholic he will be motivated to avoid a divorce!

I wish you a lot of luck at getting to a better emotional place with all of this. I have worked as a family counselor and I have seen people make some amazing changes in counseling (even though they happen very slowly sometimes).

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I understand how you feel and I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. But you are NOT trapped and NOT alone and NOT living in the dark ages.

I mean absolutely no disrespect at all. I get that you love your husband, and that you married him for all good reasons, it seems. But you CANNOT let him rule your life. This is not a dictatorship, it is a marriage, AND, this is 2008! You need to discuss these things, seek counseling (NON CHURCH COUNSELING) and come to decisions that are right for BOTH of you. He has no right to tell you that you cannot work, that you must have more children. He may be your husband, but he is not your ruler. I feel strongly that you should do whatever you can to work out your issues, but that does not mean that you should compromise your own existence for his beliefs and desires in life. Let him stay home! Let him be pregnant! It is very easy for him to make these cavalier decisions because HE DOESNT HAVE TO DO IT! I strongly suggest that you try to talk to him, try to get into counseling, and take your life back! You can have a happy, healthy marriage if both parties are willing to listen, work together and compromise. The very best of luck to you, my heart is praying for you (and I am an agnostic, married to a catholic!)

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I am divorced, I don't advocate divorce as a solution, however, this is your body and your future. If someone truly loves you they will compromise. You probably wanted only one child, if he wanted 5, compromise with 2. But this needs to be worked out NOW, before you get pregnant with the next one because you can't stay in a marriage where your views and goals are not respected. You should not allow someone to control you in this way. I hope you can work it out with him, intact families are best but your self respect and self worth are more important. Without them, you cannot be the best parent you can be to your child you already have.
Good luck to you ... I hope your husband will change and realize that marriage is a partnership. If he can do this, he is truly the wonderful, moral, family loving man that attracted you to him in the first place.

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Wow. First of all, you ARE and HAVE BEEN communicating that you don't want a large family. You have always been clear about this, and now he's angry that you aren't doing what he wants in this regard? Now he's saying that YOU are the one putting a damper on the marriage?

I'm sorry that he can't have exactly what he wants, but this is your life too! And your marriage too! And never, never, never have kids that you don't want!

I highly recommend going to a marriage counselor. My husband and I worked through seemingly impossible problems with that help, and it's brought us much closer. If he won't agree to it, then you should see someone yourself.

Without finding a solution that works for both of you, it's very possible that this will tear you apart. It sounds like it's already started. Not enjoying sex, because somebody else is forcing their choices on you (family planning doesn't work!)...that's a terrible situation to be in.

Good luck. I feel terrible for what you're going through.

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Hi J.,
I'm sorry that you're having this difficulty in your marriage. I really think that some counselling is in order. While you sound very willing (even too willing) to compromise within the marriage, compromise is a two way street. If only one person is doing it, it's not a compromise. Your husband has a vision of his family and his wife and has decided you'll be molded and shaped to his ideal. Maybe in his family, wives didn't have an identity. It sounds like you've already compromised so many times that now he just expects you'll come around to doing things his way. A marriage isn't about doing things one person's way and it sounds like you have different views on key issues. Who stays home til their kids are in college? I don't think there's any counsellor who would not tell him that he's got major things to work on if he wants this marriage to work. Marriage isn't the "all about me" show. Good luck

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J., you, like all of the other mothers out there, are a beautiful person. Sometimes things seem worse that they are and sometimes the grass only seems greener on the other side. Your husband must love you to want to take care of you and your child. Many men aren't willing to take on the full financial responsibility. So, as demanding as he seems, there is some good to be thankful for.

However, I do agree with the vast majority that advised you to stand firm and follow your intuition. As women we all have the incredible gift of intuition and it is there to protect us. For the sake of your marriage you need to keep yourself sane. The only way you can lose yourself is if you allow yourself to. It is not selfish but necessary for you to take care of you, and also in your husband's best interest.

All of the responses that you have received are very helpful. Take some time to reflect and meditate on your situation and you will find the best way to handle it within. I pray that you and your family will be blessed.

Best,
M.

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I am a working mother of 3 and I go to school at night for my degree. No one can tell me what to do and what not to do w/ my life and my body. I love my children with all my heart. I never wanted to be a Sahm. That doesnt make me a bad mom. I go to school for myself. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say your own identity. I hate to admit it, but Hillary had a good point with the IUD. If he decides to change things on you, then you can change them back. A lot of men wont do counseling and if you go to the church they are only going to promote more children. I am catholic and my priest does. I dont condone lying. I just dont have any good answers for you. My heart aches for you. This must be so hard. It sounds like he is backing you into a corner and thats not fair. Remember...your opinions count too. Dont let him bully you into a life that you dont want. Your children will pick up on your unhappiness. Try to reach out and talk. If he doesnt try and listen, then maybe you need to decide if you could be happy apart. I hope everything works out. Good luck..

The first step to good communication- lay down the blame. Your question sounds loaded with resentment for your husband (or soon to be resentment) like he is Making you do all the terrible things. Every woman is torn between family and career and women have this gift of always seeing greener grass somewhere- we are usually wrong. How many of those career oriented friends of yours are secretly or not so secretly longing to have children and a home and a family?

I can understand your feelings, really I can! I just know that blaming your husband is not going to help communication, because after this you will find something or someone else to blame for something else. Its human - I mean, woman nature. Hang in there and tell your husband how you FEEL, not how you want him to change or how bad things are for you, just tell him your honest feelings, and keep telling him. And keep telling him. Men are hard of listening.

Hi J.,

I really feel for you. It looks like you and your husband has very different goals in life. not on everything, but on your family plan. I think you need to sort out a few things: what brought the two of you together? what things do you guys enjoy together? what makes you happy? If you are not happy, it will hurt the realtionship between you and your husband and your child. First, you have to know what you want, what you can compromise and how much can you compromise? Then, you can clearly, calmly get the message across to your husband. And understand how he feels about it. Can he understand your view on being independent and have a career? Try to find a win-win solution with him together. Good luck to you!

Do you love your husband or just the idea of him? I don't see anything here about the two of you, just your side and his side. What about the 'we' of this relationship?

You said you married him because you liked his family orientation and his morality, yet you're fighting that as hard as you can.

Were you ready to be married? I think you need some good marriage counseling and a lot of soul searching as to why you would actually marry a man who was totally honest with you about his desires. While you said you insisted that you didn't want a large family, you knew he did and still married him, which to me says that at least a part of you possibly wants what he has in his own family yet you're afraid to actually pursue it.

You're also concentrating on what you don't or can't have -- a job/career (but raising children is a job in itself, as you will find). You also say that 'every woman you know' is childless and career oriented. If you don't have any friends who have children, of course you're feeling alienated. You might want to try to make friends with other young moms who have young children. It may give you some needed perspective here.

I have four children after waiting five years to get married and then having six years of infertility, and my husband and I had discussed the issue of who would raise our children thoroughly before I made child-rearing my primary job. It turns out now that they are all in school that my career skills are coming in handy because they attend a Catholic school that needs my particular skills. I am able to volunteer there and keep my job skills fresh and current, while helping this school continue to grow. Perhaps you'll find a way to use your job/career skills as your child/children grow and become more independent.

I'm not going to sugar coat this at all. Raising children is one of the hardest things one can choose to do, and you don't get second chances. It is particularly draining while they are young because it's hard to get a break, they need you so much. You just have to do the best you can at it. I hope your husband is an involved father, which will make this easier all the way around! He'll appreciate what you do. I hope he tells you this too.

So talk to your husband again and explain your fears and feelings in a calm and rational way. If he won't do any counseling, then get some for yourself because if you're that unhappy, you will find it hard to be the kind of mom your funny little girl deserves, and the person you want to be.

Good luck
R.

Jaimie,

You said you were compromising your beliefs to keep your marriage stable.

You will never have a stable marriage while you are compromising out of anything but goodwill. Period. The only way relationships improve or are enriched is when people contribute to their partner's wellbeing OUT OF GOODWILL. Repeatedly contributing from guilt, fear, manipulation, or nagging creates a rising tide of resentment that will destroy a relationship.

I highly suggest reading NonViolent Communication: A Language of Compassion. This will help you understand your needs, your husband's needs, how to meet those needs, and how to empathize with each other and make requests instead of demands. (A true "request" takes no for an answer without grudges). It is obvious that you found aspects of your husband's values meaningful to you, and I encourage you to focus on what may have been missing in your life that you saw in him to be completing, and therefore drew you to him- and vice versa! Your husband found things in you that completed him and I urge you to do some soul work and develop those things.

If you agree to be at home, you should make the most of it. Rather than being at home til your daughter is 5 and having thoughts that make you resentful of your lack of career, I think you should decide to make the next years be a vital part of your "career"- mothering, taken seriously and practiced wholeheartedly, with an attitude that each day you are living life to the fullest and creating new possibilities and performing LIFE CHANGING work, will result in exactly that- and mothering as a career is essentially making a career out of performing the spiritual, practical, and emotional duties that cause humanity to thrive. If you perform your homemaking duties believing they are secondary to your true goals and dreams, your vitality will suffer, your daughter, who is imbibing your attitudes and feelings all day, will grow up believing that its ok to put her dreams and goals second, and you will create an unhappy reality. So please, decide if you truly are willing to be at home for 5 years, and if you are, decide to make it the best 5 years it can be- to become skilled in the art of mothering, skilled in the art of homemaking, and to choose to create relationships with women who are doing it with joy and excitement and read books that will make it a whole new world of learning and personal GROWTH.

None of this "I have to do this for my daughter" or "I have to do this for my husband"- that thinking will only make you unhappy. Instead, say "I CHOOSE to do this for my daughter" or "I CHOOSE to do this to meet my husband's needs". We must take responsibility for our actions, and consistently take time to think through, meditate, and "send out intentions" that will make our families flourish- thinking outside the box is sometimes all it takes to begin creating circumstances that allow everyone to receive what they need for their life to be meaningful.
You create your own reality- make it a wonderful one! If you view any of your life choices up until now as mistakes, you will be bitter and stagnant. If you view them as meaningful opportunities for growth and life lessons, you will become grateful and evolve.

As for living on one income in the 21st century- you can make anything work for you if you set your mind to it.

J.,
I Feel for you.....I really really do. As being one that has had a strained marriage in the past I understand your feelings. I am a mother of a beautiful 9 week old baby boy. My husband and I alsways said that we wanted atleast two kids,(he comes from a large family also) but this one is enough for me. I had a hard pregnancy with him and DON'T want to go through it again. He is already talking about when we can start to have another. I have put my foot down on this and even during my pregnancy I said that this would be our only child. There is my backround a little.
As for yourself....You need to be assertive and tell him that this is something that you do not want. J., people change, feelings change, the things we once thought we wanted now we don't and the things we never wanted now we do. My husband and I have been together 6 years (married 3) and in year 2 we were ready for a seperation...We saught counseling (something for you to consider, and not by the church or a clergyman)The one thing I learned for myself through it was in the end the only person that is going to take care of you is YOU...You need to do what you have to, to become part of an indivdual and not just so an so's wife and mother. You should never have to comprimise who you are, or your beliefs and morals in order to please someone else. Yes marriage is a give and take, but from what it seems you are doing all the giving (giving up your dreams, giving up your beliefs, giving up your identity) What has your husband given up? Ask him what are the things that made you fall in love with me and want to marry me? Do you still have those qualities? Did he just marry you for your uterus?
You need to remember who you are, and who you are becoming...If you don't like that person and it is not a person you want to be than don't. You have a daughter who also will be looking up to you. I am sure you would want her to be a strong and cofindent woman in the future. I know that advice is easy to give out, and harder to take and follow. So you can take what we all say with a grain of salt but just know that there are plenty of us out there who are willing to listen and try to help.
J.......................Sorry this was so long by the way.LOL

Hi J.,
I can certainly understand your position and your feelings. When my husband and I married he wanted 6 kids and I thought I wanted 2-4. Might I say that God has a way of working things out His way. First of all, we had no idea how much work is involved in having a family so by the time we had one by C-section our eyes opened up some. And after 2 kids with 2 miscarriages in between we decided to take a break. My husband had a vasectomy and then several years later he had it reversed and after that he was able to produce children but I could not. Now I am a grandma but the point is don't sweat the stuff you have no or little control over. God is the giver of life and since you haven't completed your family even to your desires I would say trust God to change your husband's mind and enjoy what you have right now.
M.

It sounds like you knew how your husband was and his wishes before you got involved. I think the roles are reversed that usually it's the woman who wants the kids and the husband doesn't and it usually takes convincing.

I think you have two ways of approaching this and I am big fan of the honest one. The dishonest one includes getting your own birth control (pill, iud or diaphram--whichever you can hide from him best).

The honest one means that you guys have to sit down and maybe do the pro con list or at least talk out why he wants a big family and why you want a small one. My dad is one of 10 and he had a terribly neglected childhood. How many are in your family? Did you feel a lot of love? How many kids does he want? Can you compromise on the number?

If you don't talk these things out, then you'll end up cutting his # of kids short by divorce. Your relationship can't endure such difference in opinion on such an important marital issue.

It sounds like there is a lot more there. It sounds like you often do the compromising (going to church when you don't believe in it?). I think you have to even things out and just stand your ground and plead your case. He's probably not going to sympathize with loss of figure, because he'll say he loves you no matter what. You need to give him concrete reasons: It will be harder for me to be a good mother, because I won't have the energy to give to many children. "If we have less children (2-3), we can really focus on them as human beings and give them the tools to be good Christians."

Is there a bad seed in his family or were his parents infallible? If there are less children, it's easier to deal with rebellion. You have to let him know that it's as much strain on your marriage for him to expect and demand such things from your body (pregnancy has its toll) and spirit. You need some time for you to be you too and not just Mother.

Good luck.

My first question to you is how can you be true to someone else if you aren't true to yourself. You said it over and over you gave up your life for your husband. I to did that a very long time ago and it ended in divorce with one child. She of course was the best thing that ever happened in the marriage. You can not give up your entire life and in the end you will resent him for it if you don't already. You have to be honest with yourself and him if the marriage is going to last. I would not add another child in to the mix if you feel like this now it will only get worse. You have to set down and have a heart to heart with him. Your idenity is just as important as his is to him. My daughter lived with us until she was 20 and got married and they are expensive college and just everyday living. She went to school and worked also but you still have to help them. One is expensive and if you were to have another one chances are you would have to return to the work force maybe thats a good thing but no reason to have a child. I wish you alot of luck.

Even though your husband knew how you felt before you were married you have given him several reasons to believe you have changed your mind. First of all, you are going to church with him when you don't believe in God. That's pretty pointless for you to go, but now he is seeing a glimmer of hope that you are starting to believe simply because you are there by his side. Second, you are doing NFP. If you don't agree with that then that alone could ruin your marriage. What fun is sex that you don't enjoy if you are always afraid you'll get pregnant? You should be using some more reliable form of birth control. Third, you caved and decided to stay home with your daughter for a limited time. You have given up your own beliefs for your husbands on so many occassions that he has no choice but to think you have changed your mind. Even if you are saying you have not, your actions are showing something else. Have you ever noticed that men don't listen? What you are saying doesn't matter because he sees that you are doing what he wanted you to do. You definately need to get some counceling, but don't go through the church. Maybe you really have changed, but your head isn't letting your heart realize it. Or maybe not. Please, just get marriage counceling so you both can figure out where to go from here. I have 4 children, and I only ever wanted 2, but I am happy with what I have. My husband is from a very large family (14 kids), and is also Catholic. I guess I just got lucky because he doesn't "expect" anymore children, and we don't attend any church at all. I hope you two can figure a way to solve things, and stay married, and both be happy. Compromise is good, but if you have to give up too much of who you are it becomes a bad, and resentful thing. Good luck!

I have to add...with 4 children we live on one paycheck, and no my husband does not have a high profile job. He's in the Army. Also, my in laws, with their 14 children, had only 1 income their whole lives. They never used credit, not ever, and their home is completely paid for now. It's not impossible to live that way, even in this day.

J.--
Be careful what you wish for...
I am in the midst of a divorce that seems to be turning nasty
(just informed that Prince Charming wants me out of the marital apt within 30 days because his brother wants it back--was his prior, but that's another story). I married a man I "knew" from high school and respected who I thought he was, charming, great guy, the class organizer, true friend. Anyway, I too compromised myself many times until I realized 8 years later that I was disappearing. We had one child and I didn't get pregnant anymore (mostly due to stress). In reading your piece I recognized some very important things and want to point out to you that you will only have yourself to "blame" at the end of the day when you realize that you are nowhere near who/where/what you wanted/thought you would be, IF YOU JUST KEEP ON COMPROMISING. Honey, this is a business deal and you are giving away all of yourself thinking it is appreciated. It is not. It is expected because you are saying it's OK. Is it really? If it is, I'll shut up, but it doesn't sound like it. Don't get pissed at him if you are giving in to everything. You have to set boundaries and establish what is OK and what is not OK. If you do not want or are not ready for another child DON'T DO IT!!!! You will not be doing the baby any favors if you resent it. When you are ready for #2, go for it and you will love it to pieces!!! Then, IF AND WHEN you are ready for 3, 4 and or 12, do it. IF not DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't give 2 hoots what your reasons are--they are good enough for me because it's none of my business. It's nobody's business, not even his. If they are good enough for you, respect yourself
The only way to communicate that you don't want to have a large family is by just saying, NO, and THEN STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You also have a right to change your mind and have more kids after a 5 year hiatus, when your career no longer interests you if that happens.
Bottom line is if he keeps pressuring you, he is taking care of himself at your expense. He needs to be willing to own that and back off or lose you. Family planning is about both of you planning, not your taking orders. You might end up loving a lot of kids, but in your own time and he has to respect that or you will RESENT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

You can't put this one off. You have to face it and ask yourself if you are willing to walk away, because you have 2 choices:
Stay and accept that you are abdicating your SELF, or
Stay ONLY if he agrees to recognize your needs.

It's a tough choice, but be honest with yourself or you will end up a very sour grape.

Been there, done that--Good luck, big hug, take a deeeeeep breath and GO GIRL!
A.

Sounds like he is giving you ultimatums in order to keep him as your PRIZE. His views are not very realistic either. Every woman needs to add to family income these days. even if it is part time work. Also, does he realize he will also have to forfeit his freedom for the Large Family Provider Title he so desires? Daddies have household and child rearing responsibilities too.
I think hubby needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
Do what's right for you, honey.

God bless you. I'm sorry I have no advice. All I can do is offer sympathy. Maybe he's afraid of you getting a career and making more money than him. You'd probably be better off it you can get him to go to a counselor with you. Preferably a non-religous counselor.

Hey J.- Just here to offer you support, and as a happily practicing NFP woman,-(I know it's not easy)- I would suggest gently reminding your husband that NFP is morally "acceptable" to use to avoid a pregnancy when you have a grave reason- in her wisdom, the Church does not delineate what those (exactly) could be- you both need to honsetly discern those- and it sounds like your understandable desire to not have more kids-(right now, if at all)- needs to be considered fairly as such. It's not like you aren't willing to work on this with him via NFP- (and it does work, as long as you truly know your signs- have you seen a NFP practitioner?)- so he needs to work with you.
Sounds like in fairness, you were up front with what you wanted- and he should've respected and dealt with that. Life is a gift- but not all of us can handle (for whatever reason)- a lot, and that's ok. NFP is all about working with the design God gave us, not against it. Hang in there- and I'm all for marriage counseling, though I admit I have a Christian bias- Christ wants you to be you.
Another thing- a great book dealing with this somewhat is "The Myth of the Perfect Mother" by Carla Barnhill- sounds like you would devour this book! Peace~

You, like many marriages, have some SERIOUS communication issues. The biggest one seems to be your husband either not hearing or not valuing your opinion. Just because you are the atheist and he is the religious person, does not mean his values trump yours or that he has higher morals or better values than you, many times the complete opposite is true. How often you go to church, or which god you believe in, if any, is no indication of your moral character. It is your actions that determine your character. Remember the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have done to you". This includes valuing opinions that are different from your own, respecting both your family members as well as friends, acquaintances, and people on the street.
The only "selfish" reason I see in your list is "loss of figure", and that doesn't mean it's less important to you. Your husband isn't giving up his dreams or his independence.
I think if you want this marriage to work, you may need some couples therapy, just to improve the communication issue. Since you have told him how you felt about family size, both before you got married and after you had your daughter, he either isn't taking you seriously or doesn't value your opinion. Also, you have bigger issues than just the number of kids. You have a major difference in opinion about the value of a woman's career, is he going to give his up once the kids are in kindergarten? If he does, will you be partially resentful of being the sole provider? Will you be the sole provider, and the primary cook, house cleaner, etc. - or does he participate equally in household activities?
Believe me, I'm not saying your marriage can't work and you should leave now. I'm just saying get help before you do completely lose the identity and sense of self that's important to you. This will be good for you and for your daughter, and any additional children you choose to have. Also, after your second child, I would opt for a long-term birth control option. BTW, I would NOT use a counselor from the church, you want to make sure you have an independent person who won't have their own agenda influencing the advice they give. If you can't get your husband to agree to couseling, or if he still doesn't value you and take your opinions and need to have your own career seriously, you may have irreconcilable differences. This is not the 19th century, it's the 21st. You ARE a strong woman, you want to maintain that persona so that you can raise a strong, healthy daughter with a good sense of self-worth. Best of luck! I do hope you can work this all out.

I am on the other side of the "fence" . Before we got married I told my husband that I wanted 8 kids, he was cool with it. How we have 2 and he says he is done. I think as life goes one , people change and we need to compromize. I told my husband I would compromize on 4, but he is not willing:( You need to sit down with your husband , write down each other's wants , dreams and needs and then compromize. YOu will have to give in somewhere and he will have to give in. That is if both of you want to make it work.
PS Give Jesus a chance:)

Oh J.,

I spent five years in an unhappy marriage. I had twins about 22 months ago. The ex made me compromise myself by going through fertility treatments when we really needed to put more energy into making the marriage better. I also took out numerous loans so he could pursue business ventures. Guess who is the one that filed for bankruptcy last year! I knew better than to get those loans for him, but I just didn't listen to myself. he was also a cheater, as it would turn out. Hence the reason he is now an ex. What I'm getting at is that you need to be YOU. Don't compromise your body, your dreams, your career, or anything else for your husband. He is being selfish. Why can't you work at a part time job? As you said, this is the 21st century afterall. Honestly, if he wants you to stay home for 18 - 20 years, he should be willing to pay for you to do online courses so you have skills once the kid(s) go to college. It's not selfish of you to want to keep your figure, have your own identity, etc. He sounds like he wants a robot or a slave...not a wife. That's not an equal marriage. My best suggestion, since he blows up at you when you speak your feelings, is to get marriage counseling. Don't do anything you don't want to do. You need to look out for yourself & daughter. If he's this controlling now, it's not going to get much better unless he's willing to see your point of view.

Best of luck,
A.

There were 5 children in my family and I always thought I'd have 50 children - then along came 1st daughter.....then 2nd daughter almost 6 yrs later & there are times that I don't know what I was thinking. My diabetes was pretty out of hand during my 2nd pregnancy & because of the high dose of insulin I was taking our 2nd spent about a week and a half in the NIC unit because of this. I think that it is your right to want another child or to be perfectly content w/just one. I stay home w/my youngest and I resent the fact sometimes that I'm just a "mom" - okay everyone says that it's the hardest job you'll have & it can be very rewarding, but I often feel like all I'm good for is entertaining the neighborhood children while their mothers are out getting their nails done after work because they have an extra paycheck. Sometimes motherhood may not be all it's cracked up to be, but you truly have to be the one to decide what you feel is right. Because a man comes from a Catholic family and all isn't going to pay your mortgage if you decide to have 3 or 4 or more and something happens with his job. The economy is in no way what it was during the time my mother stayed home and raised us (up until my lil bro was in 4th grade). Maybe you and your husband could speak with someone about this if he continues to be upset over it. My husband has worked a p/t job since even before our oldest(10) was born just to make ends meet and believe me, we are far from them meeting yet. Good luck to you and realize that whatever you decide to do is what you feel is right for you and your family. Don't get me wrong, I love children & that's why I'm the class mom in both of my daughter's classes but sometimes I don't think it would so bad to make what others may consider to be a selfish decision.

Hey J.,
I just want to say that it is so sad how society takes all of the glory out of being at home with our kids. Being a stay at home mom is the most important "career" any woman could have. We are raising the next generation. I am sorry that we live in a world where women feel that all of the glory and prestige comes from being out in the work force. This is not the case in my opinion. I think mothers are so important, and it is such a rewarding job. I am so thankful to be a mom. I have a career, I got my BS in Interior Design, I am very career oriented, I worked for several years before getting married and having a child, but the second I had my daughter, I knew that I could no longer be selfish and that this life was no longer about me. You have made a choice now to have your daughter and really now you need to focus on raising her and her needs, and yours should come after. I know that if you do this you will find "true joy." It is hard because your daughter can't praise you right now, she can't give you a raise, she can't buy you purses, cars, coats, etc. But I promise you the joy she can bring you is far greater than any of those things. I think it will be important for you to meet other moms that stay at home and surround yourself with them. Also there are options you can have with money, you could babysit another child in the area or work at a daycare that you could bring your daughter to. As far as your marriage goes, you really should work on it for the sake of your daughter, again life is no longer just about you. I personally feel that society has women spread way to thin, we are supposed to bare children, raise them, work 9-5 jobs, cook dinner, clean the house and still have time to play with them, go to their events and have some time for ourselves all so that we can have "equal rights" with men. Well we have a much more important job, OUR KIDS, what is wrong with making them our priority? I know that seeing them succeed is so much better than any job on the planet. I would stop thinking so much about myself and start thinking about how I can better serve my daughter, by doing that you will find real happiness. Service is a wonderful thing, especially when we serve those we love! Good luck!
Angie

Hi Jamie
It sounds like you and your husband have more problems than just how many children to have. You should look into marriage councling. If your husband is as strict a Catholic as he claims he won't believe in divorce,he should be willing to go. You both have to be able to find a middle ground, so you both can be happy. Good luck, keep us posted.

Get your tubes tied. That will get your point across.

Any advice on how to communicate that I don't want to have a large family?
************************
I think that would be my advice... learn how to communicate with him. Go to counseling together and figure out how to come together on a plan for your lives together. I would suggest trying this before you go ahead with that 2nd child... of course this is from the outside looking in, but it "sounds" like he is very controlling, and for your sake maybe a counseling session for you - yourself- would help you to learn to assert your own opinions and desires into the relationship. And if he won't listen, or allow you to be a partner, then it probably will have detrimental effects to the marriage and your family life.... no judgement here, just suggestions based on experiences I've been thru and helped friends thru! Good luck to you
Jean

He wants a big family and is a devout Catholic. You did not! Why did you even get married, it is only going to get worse. You sound unhappy at staying home with your daughter. You will end up resenting your husband. You need to comprise and get counseling or get out of this situation before you have any more children. Sorry, but life is to short not to be happy and live like you do. Good Luck!!

sounds like you two may need some counseling to help you through this. I absolutely do not think you should have another child if YOU do not want it. What your husband wants si entirely different. YOU are the one who has to go throug pregnancy, delivery, recovery, and raise the baby. If you are not ready, please don't do it. It's not fair to you or the baby... good luck. maybe the two of you can work this out, or maybe it's not meant to be.

Jamie,
this response is from a catholic (born and raised). . .do not compromise! i also understand completely the feelings re: SAHM. for some works for some doesn't. it doesn't work for me.
my suggestion is tell him you don't want anymore. no more reasoning and excuses. him being catholic should know the next solution for him would be divorce (and he won't like that).
also, talking as a person who has been 'talked into' going hubby's way. . .in the end i am left unhappy. not him.
as for counseling...well, i don't like that and if it ever came to that i'd walk away. two adults should be able to communicate without a stranger offering advice. but that's just my opinion
good luck to you

I'm so sorry you're going through this stress instead of being able to enjoy this time with your daughter. Just because your husband WANTS a big family doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to happen. Obviously, open communication is key, but there are ways to prevent pregnancy without him necessarily knowing. Not that I totally advocate that because it's better to be honest, but you know, he'd never really know if you used an IUD....

Good luck....

HI J.,
I don't envy your position but I pray that you find peace soon. It seems like you have compromised a lot, basically yourself, to make your marriage work, as you put it. However is your marriage really working? A marriage is based on compromise but from both parties. You have not mentioned whether your husband have compormised or given up anything as well to make the marriage "work". If it is truly one-sided I think that you should discuss this with him immediately.

I'm a firm believer in being happy. Life is too short to be in situations where you are not fully happy. I also agree that you should try to make your marriage work as best as you can especially since you have a little girl together. However, you have to put you and your daughter 1st. Don't under estimate the value of your happiness and do not lose who you are. I have a cousin who almost did that she did everything to make her husband happy and lost herself in the process. Unfortunately, her husband still was not happy and that marriage ended. I hope your's fares better. I would also recommend counseling. It's important that you are both happy in the marriage. One person should not feel like they are giving up everything including what they stand for and the other person nothing. It should be balanced at most times. I wish you the best of luck.

Jamie,
I'm stressed for you just reading your request. OIYE! It sounds to me like he's way to traditional and spent too much time in front of the ole' Black-N-White tube watching 'Leave it to Beaver'. On a serious tip, you need a marriage councelor. What about you? What about your needs and wants? Isn't he listening? Sounds like he's got this image in his head of what he wants and if you don't oblige, then it's all your fault if your marriage doesn't work. If he truly loves you then he would compromise also and let you be who you want too and be happy for you and support you while you're trying to get there. Tell him that you see his side, you understand why he feels that way and you love him and your daughter, but you want the same respect. Maybe if you suggest talking to a councelor, he'll step back and possibly see how serious you are. The scale has to be even because if it's not, one of you will be unhappy and lead to greater problems, like your daughter not being happy. They sense those feeling. I speak form experience. What do you want for your daughter? Do you want her to be independant, self sufficient, career oriented? Then you need to set an example. If she sees you living like Donna Reed, she'll subconsciencely think that's what it's supposed to be like. WRONG!. You both need to go talk to someone together fi you want this to work. But if you're not happy at all and you don't want to make it work, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.
Good luck with everything and I hope you find your happiness again.
H.

Is your priest someone who could counsel the two of you? Do you have any idea where he stands on the issue? If you attend a church with more modern ideals, it might help to ask the priest for assistence.
It sounds like your husband has very set ideas of what it means to be a man and your needs and wants are challanging that. It might be helpful to have someone else there to negotiate, to help you find ways of expressing what you want clearly and him to hear it without feeling threatened. It sounds like you have compromised a great deal and need to stand your ground, or you will be angry and resentful, a killer for any marriage (as is not being able to enjoy sex).

Talk to a counselor.. you both have to -- to save your marriage and to come to terms with what you both want.. good luck

Since you are not a Catholic you are not really obliged to live by the rules your husband does. He sounds like he's being completely overbearing. If you can get him to go to a counselor it sounds like he needs to learn to not control you. You should be the one in charge of your fertility and he should be able to recognize that. Good luck.

Hi Jamie, It sounds to me like you already told your husband that you don't want a big family. This is a big issue for you to be miles apart. I hope you can work out a compromise. The $ issue is a big factor. Unless he earns a lot it will not be possible to feed and clothe a large family. I too am a Catholic and very family oriented, we have 5 and I did work after my 2 youngest were in school. We do have a good God and he knows your needs. I will pray that all things work out for you. Grandma Mary

Counseling. The Catholic Church is wellknown for their marriage counseling. It sounds like you are not feeling like your dreams, goals and hopes for the future are being considered. Do you share them with your hubby? And have you told him about you uneasiness, due to the the issues, during intamcy? I know it can be very difficult to talk about but it is healthy and sign of a healthy marriage for both parties to feel comfortable to discuss all parts married life with each other. There may be hope for happiness for the both of you. :) Good luck. It is a tough spot.

It sounds to me like your well-being/marriage is a powder keg waiting to burst. You should get yourself into counseling and quick. If your husband is open to it you should ask him also, but go ahead and get started on your own. If you told him you didn't want a large family before you got married, you are right and he is wrong. There must be a reason that he wasn't honest before you married. It sounds to me like he is very non-compromising. You have done all of the compromising and he needs to learn how to bend also. Counseling will help with this. It also sounds to me like you need to keep a part-time 'finger' in your career field. I became a stay at home mom a few years ago and I LOVE staying home and don't miss my career-I was burnt out. You sound like you really want to continue with your career so you need to stay active in it. Even if it is only free-lancing or getting a gig once in awhile.
I hope you work it out. It sounds to me like your husband said one thing prior to marriage and another after...not good. You are justified in your feelings. Good Luck

Another thought...put down on paper all of the expenses associated with raising a child including Mommy and Me or Gymboree classes, preschool, haircuts, pediatrician, prescriptions (ear infections, etc),summer camp, dance or swimming lessons or little league costs, clothing, food, larger-safer car, catholic school (private) etc.... and also include college since it looks like loans may be difficult to come by in the future... also go out to lunch with any other moms you meet in baby and me or other kid programs, a housecleaning service since with more than 1 kid you will at least need some kind of help keeping your home clean enough for toddlers.... Have some fun and let the $$$ add up in your bills and expenses and tell him it is all the cost of having a child and being a stay at home Mom. When he feels the pinch in his wallet, he may think differently.

it really saddens me to read your story. I can not imagine my life without all of my kids. But I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I never wanted a career outside of my home.

I feel for you. It sounds like you and your husband are going in total different directions which is unfortunate for you. him and your daughter.
I definitely suggest counseling. However, I would suggest someone outside of the church you attend. Chances are if you go to your priest, he will have the same values/expectations as your husband and you may not fairly get what you need from counseling then. (Not saying a priest is a bad thing, just that you need someone who is non biased when it comes to kids, family and birth control).

You also need to find something that is for only you to do. Maybe you can get into a class or start some hobby that gets you out of the house and with some adults once or twice a week. Join a book club or something along that lines.
It sounds like you need something that is just yours to do.

As for surviving on one income, well, speaking from experience, it can be done. My husband works hard so I can stay home. We have 3 children at home with us and 2 that live with his ex-wife. There are times that things get tight, especially in the winter. However, we do make it.
Our kids have everything they need and a lot of what they want. I do scrapbooking and card making as a hobby and I am able to buy supplies and such for doing that without too much trouble.
Financial dependence on your husband isn't a bad thing. And if you are worried about not having anything that is 'your' then maybe find a way to turn a hobby into income. I am trying to do that with my card making and stuff. I have a friend who is already doing that with hers and she is making a little bit of extra money. (She just bought a new computer with it).
You just have to find your niche.

Good luck with everything. I really hope your marriage works out for your sake, your husband's and your daughter's. I also hope you get to keep 'you' in the marriage and that your husband will be able to keep his values while being able to compromise with you for yours. It's not going to be easy, but if you work at it, it can be done.

Whatever you do don't have another baby unless you are ready! What a child does not need is its mother resenting it!

As for your husband, get counseling! Get a cunselor you can both agree on. Him being Catholic he may want to see his priest but if that is not good for you tell him you would feel better with a third party that is not part of your weekly life. He has not "given up" his social, work and outside life like you as a SAHM has to. I have been a SAHM for 7 years and now would like to get a 5 hour a week outside job just so I have to shower and leave the house 1 day a week! The question is in these economic times who would hire a mom for 5 hours a week. NO ONE! I love my children and would do ANYTHING to protect them and most of the time love being available to my girls for all their needs. However, my youngest is 2yo and when she starts school I will have a part time job during the day!!! And my husband is supportive of that.

We do live on my husbands income but it is hard, sometimes easier if he works lots of overtime. It is do-able even in a sociaty that "demands" 2 incomes to support all of our needs and those big wants!

If your reasons are "selfish" reasons or not they are still your reasons. And unless those reasons change your husband needs to realize that you told him that before you said "I Do". In a year or more you may change your mind, OR MAY NOT, but be honest. On the other hand you knew what he wanted too so don't be angry if he "revisits" the topic but tell him that you will consider it in the future. You are only 28 so there are lots of good years to add to your family tree!

The natural family planning is something you both need to discuss and come up with a solution for you both to live with. If being intimate is important to him and no birth control is scary to you there must be something that you both can compromise to. "Barrier" devices may "slow" things down at times but it is drug free and relatively a safe form of birth control. If there is play there may be a pay but the barriers are safer than nothing! A.

You guys need to get to a counselor- FAST. There is no way that you should agree to have another child if you don't want one and are dreading getting pregnant. That is NO WAY to bring a baby into the world- a child is NOT a compromise!
These are not little issues, they are huge issues. You might be setting yourself up for years of bitterness and regret- address it now before it screws all three of you up.
Good luck, J..

Wow. Its a shame that this issue wasn't settled before you were married. This is a HUGE issue... my best friend was engaged to a man who had very opposite views than her on this issue too and ended it before the wedding for this very reason.
However, the past is the past and you married him for good reasons - morals and bring family oriented are great things - and i think you need to tell your husband blatently exactly what you just said up there... or even let him read what you wrote... so he knows just how much this means to you and how serious these issues are in your marriage.
Like someone else said, if he truely loves you, he'd compromise for you. You knew his views before you got married, but more importantly he knew yours then too! It sounds like you're willing to do a lot of compromising for him - church, getting pregnant again, putting your career on hold.
You need to be able to enjoy your life, your children, your husband, and enjoy sex! Its never perfect, but your daughter will pick up on the stress that you are feeling and you and your husband are going to be the ones teaching by example how a relationship is supposed to be - do you want your daughter seeing that she should let a man have total control over the way she lives her life instead of marriage being a partnership?
I think seeing a counselor is a great idea - I am a strong Christian (NOT catholic - Christian and Catholic are often 2 very different things) and i always think Christian counselor is a good idea, but i know you don't want someone who's bias so i'd recommend maybe not a priest from your church who might have the same strong feelings as your husband. But no matter their religion, i think you need to find someone to see both sides, not just yours and not just his. Your husband is likely just as frustrated with you about the situation because it sounds like you both have strong feelings about this.
There will likely be more you have to compromise on too - sometimes its not a bad thing to work from home, or work only part time (a very friend of mine does that and loves having the adult contact, while still seeing her kids more than a full-time worker), or put your career on hold to raise your children. Maybe (like someone said) if you meet other moms who are doing that, then you won't feel so left out of the corporate world. But maybe you will, and if that is something maybe you can't compromise on without being miserable, your husband should care about your mental wellbeing and help come up with a good plan to make you both happy.

I'm so sorry your feeling this way about your family - the very thing that should bring you both joy. I hope you can find something to mend the hurt feelings and make your home a comfortable, happy one. Keep us posted!

You got so many responses...but I would strongly urge you go speak to a counselor, or a priest (he may like that option better)...as for advice on how to communicate you don't want a large family - you have! He isn't listening...talk to someone before you get fed up and move on...I think the therapy would be beneficial to you as well...there must be a reason why you married your husband knowing you were giving up so much of who YOU are as a person...

I know you're an atheist, but it really couldn't hurt to pray a bit about this...:-)

Best wishes to you for peace and happines...your baby deserves it...and so do you.
J.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the time to hash these things out is BEFORE you get married. What did he say before you were married when you would say you didn't want a large family? Did you believe that he would change once you were married? How compatible were your beliefs/vision of how your life would be before you got married? Did he change once you got married? I had a good friend (female) in college who was a practicing Charismatic Catholic and she married an Atheist. They decided to deal with their differing beliefs by ignoring them. They divorced less than 5 years later because they realized they could not ignore these core parts of themselves, stay true to themselves and build a solid relationship.

I am not suggesting you leave your husband, however it sounds like at this point the only way for the marriage to be a good, strong, lasting one is for you to be the ideal "Good Catholic Mother". There is nothing wrong with that as long as that is what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. But it sounds like you are bending to your husband's ideal and it is not working for you. I would suggest you see a therapist on your own to work through some of your own issues and when the time is right (your therapist can help you decide when that is) have your husband come to one of your sessions so you can tell him how you feel on neutral ground with the therapist to help keep things on topic.

Good luck to you!

ETA: I agree that counseling should come from outside the church, and I disagree with the suggestions to get an IUD or BCP behind your husband's back as you do not need to add deceit to the mix.

Sounds like you like being with your daughter, but still need time to pursue what you want out of life. I don't think that is selfish either, you know your own limitations and you know what you want, that in itself is huge. I have to agree with some of the other posts, keep the lines of communication open. Keep reminding him that you don't want a large family, maybe explain that it is just not you. I waited 9 years to have to have another child because I knew my limitations and my daughters (they are twins) are grateful for it because I was able to pursue things that I wanted and still not take any time away from them. My husband wasn't always supportive either. I went for counseling on my own, because he didn't believe in it. It helped to a degree, but communicating and being open and honest consistantly with him seemed to work just as well. Good Luck!

I am a "housewife" and I love it. Why don't you join a mommy and me so you can meet other women who stay home with their children. It's not so bad. Careers are nice - when they are over they are over. You won't get holidays or grandchildren from your career. Money.....yes - but you know the old saying....Money can't buy you love! Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying have 20 kids - I presently have 2 children that my husband brought into the marriage (full-time with an absent Mom) and then I had two of my own. They are 13, 11, 4 and 2. It's busy and it's challenging. To be honest with you - I worked for 18 years before I got pregnant. I belive that working is easier than staying home. Whatever you decide you need to be happy. I wouldn't change a thing in my life - when my little one goes to school I am going to get back on the work horse. In the meantime I sell on Ebay and I just registered my real estate license. For now....that is enough for me. You need to decide what is enough for you. Don't make the mistake of having another child if you belive your marriage is going to fail. Go to therapy - talk about it alot. Whatever you decide - Good Luck to you and God Bless!!!

Dear J.,

Are you sure your not married to Ward Cleaver from the Leave it to Beaver Show. I don't think there is any right or wrong way as far as how you and your husband feel. What really matters is that he respects your feelings and recongnizes your needs. I was a stay at home mom who ran a home based business. It have me the opportunity to participate in all that I wanted to with my children and still make some money to help the family. I think your husband is not being realistic in the fact that if he tries to force his wants onto you eventually you will resent him and your marriage will truly fail. You have compromised enough if you are happy with two children and that is all you feel you can handle then he should never make you feel bad for that. What are you a baby making machine!!! Like I said I was a stay at home mom and I loved it however there are many women who are not cut out to do so, or have geared their life toward career and family. If you discussed this before marriage than I think he is delusional into thinking you were going to change your mind. Stick to what you want, lets face it when it comes down to it the mom is the main ingredient to a family and if she is not happy noone will be happy. Good luck

It seems that your husband does not hear you when you speak. If you have been telling him at every opportunity that you do not want a large family, why is it that he does not seem to believe you? I am sure that others will tell you to seek counselling, and that may very well work for you. Please think about that before making any rash decisions. Unfortunately, it seems to me that the issues you are dealing with point to very fundamental differences. It may well be that this cannot be fixed - the compromises may be impossible. Good luck - you will need it.

I think the resentment that you are feeling is just going to continue to build up unless you and your husband clear the air, compromise on some things and possibly get some counseling.

Day to day expenses for large families don't have to a lot more than having a single child, but it does take some effort and some cost saving techniques will depend on your location. The real costs you will be looking at are things like clubs/activities, tutors (possibly), private school (if you choose that route), college and the other biggies. But having a large family on one paycheck is definitely doable, you as a family will have to forego some of the "luxuries", but that's true whenever the financial situation changes.

Although the size of the family is the focus of your post, it sounds as if your resentment at "having to be the one to stay at home" is your major issue. Just because you are leaving your job to become the primary caregiver for your daughter (and future children) doesn't mean you need to give up identity. Pouring 100% of your time and energy into your family (or job) will only lead to burnout, so definitely look for something that defines you as a person and spend time exploring that. Maybe take some classes (on-line or evening/weekend) or consider doing some part-time work. You don't mention what type of career track you were on before you had your child, but depending on your work, perhaps it would be possible to work or study for a few hours at home when your DD is otherwise occupied. This would, if nothing else, give you a chance at some personal fulfillment and allow for you to keep your sense of self.

When it comes to discussing things with your husband, make sure he understands how you feel about putting 100% of you back into the family. He wouldn't put 100% of his day and night into his career (I hope), he should not expect that you put all of yourself into the family. This point, IMO, is the more serious of the two and should be focused on completely separately from the family size issue. Heck even the "Joan Cleavers" of the 50's had their own interests & hobbies ;-)

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time.

I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. You need to know that. You are not wrong, selfish, or a bad wife or mother for having the needs and want that you desire. Keep the strength that you have right now to know what you want and to voice it strongly.

On that note, there is nothing wrong with the way your husband feels, either. He has every right to want a large family, lots of children, and a wife that wants the same things that he wants. He is not a bad man for the way he feels.

What is wrong right now is that you are both on opposite sides of a very sensitive and life altering decision. Life altering for you and these unborn children that may or may not be wanted by both partners. Life altering for a mother who feels like she is trapped in a life and marriage that is not for her, life altering for a husband/father who is not getting the family he desires. Everyone will be a victim until you and your spouse work this out. I have never been through counseling, but I hear that marriage counselors can really help to walk you through your feelings, your spouse's feelings, and help you learn how to share these feelings in an effective manner. You only get one time around, why not work to get what makes you happy!

Good luck and I really hope you get some answers that help you!

Honey, you are very young yet and from what you are describing, you are living a lie and trying very hard to be someone you are not. You will never be happy this way and as the old says goes - If the momma ain't happy aint nobody happy!. Please, see a marriage counselor, with your husband or without. You have serious issues that need to be worked out to the satisfaction of both of you if you are ever going to be happy in your marriage/life. You should not ever have to subordinate your own needs or your own personality in order to keep the peace. You need to get yourself and your husband onto the same page or at least work out a compromise that is okay with both of you. Perhaps he can be the stay at home parent? In any case, please seek help. I don't know where you live but for my own case, THE CENTER FOR THE FAMILY in Brookfield, CT has allowed me to be happily married for 23 years now with 2 almost-grown daughters. Good luck! and be true to yourself first.

Hi J. - I know Dr. Laura is sometimes way off but on this issue, she's right on. When it comes to making babies, the "no" always wins. Every baby deserves to be wanted by both of its parents. If you don't want to have more, you absolutely should not.

It does sound like you married the wrong guy for you. The question now is, what are you going to do about it. It sounds like neither one of you really listened to each other when you were planning your lives together. Counseling is definitely a good place to start. A good therapist can help you both really hear each other and figure out if there is room to move forward together. I hope for all three of you that there is.

I can tell you this - Whatever role you choose to take on, wife, mother, careerwoman, each has its benefits and its drawbacks. The satisfaction you get from whatever you do comes from you and how you choose to see things. At the end of the day, who comes flying into the arms of your single, career-minded friends? Probably not a very bizarre but funny girl who makes them love life everyday. - My point is this - Sometimes a good therapist can also help us see that we are our own worst enemies. You don't want to be a doormat and you need to take care of yourself so that you can start to see the wonder and the greatness of the life you already have.

I wish you much luck and love.

I hope everything works out for you. I guess counseling would be good (non-religious). I grew up Catholic as did everyone in my family. Some of us have large families, some are only children. I think you should only have as many kids as you can handle....it is so individual. Good luck, I hope no one sends you messages/advice that may be upsetting/insulting to you.

You've already gotten alot of responses but there's one more point I'd like to make that I haven't seen written yet. You said you'll have one more child, I'm not sure if that's what you want or because you want to please your husband, but if so, I would think about the future. If things don't work out, can you raise 2 children on your own? It is something to think about. I don't know your situation or outside help available to you but it seems like you and your husband have a lot to work out and it takes TWO! Not one (you)- TWO! If you both won't work at it or he won't compromise, it most likely won't work for you in the long run so it may be something to consider. Before you agree to have another child, ask yourself, "If things don't work out, can I raise these 2 babies by myself?" You don't want to HAVE to stay for the kids and financial reasons. It's not fair to you and not fair for them either. Good luck!

Obviously compromise is the heart of marriage, but at the same time it sounds like you are making all the compromises and not your husband! You are attending church for a faith you do not believe in, you have given up your job, it is your body which will carry a new baby, not his. He knew when he married you that you were not a catholic, so he should have understood that you would not necessarily do all the things to make you a traditional catholic wife! He needs to think about meeting you halfway on these matters, not just expecting you to play some idealised role he has in mind for you.
Every baby needs to be wanted by both their parents, so if you are not sure, then you need to think twice about getting pregnant again.
I do understand what you are saying about needing something outside the home. I stayed at home with my first child for over 2 years, then with my second I went back to work when she was 18 months, just 2 days a week. It saved my sanity and it makes me a better mom to work outside the home. There is more than one way to be a good parent, and it is not necessary to be at home for 18 years to raise a child well.

J.,
OUCH You are making my life sound awful. Let me explain before you get upset. I never thought I would want a large family, but be it as it is we have 5 children and I wouldn't trade them for anything. The kids are definitely spread out, our daughter is 25, and the boys are 23, 21, 12, and 9. I stayed home until our youngest was 3 1/2 years old, then I went back to school to work on my nursing degree, which I am still working on. Yes I have had a lot of bumps in the road, but in the end it will be all worth it. It is now that I am looking for a part-time job while going to school. Is money tight, you bet it is, we are so far in debt it isn't funny. I too am not into religion, so I know where you are coming from. My husband is protestant, I was raised catholic. We don't go to church, but teach the kids that all religions are important and that they can choose which they want if and when they decide. We also teach them that by not going to church it doesn't mean they are bad people. If I were you I would not let my husband force me into things that I don't want to do, it will hurt you and your family, plus your marriage will go down the tubes. If I were you I would seriously consider marriage counseling, you guys need to work this all out fo the sake of your marriage and your little girl. Lastly a big family is not that bad, I am actually glad we do. Hope I was of some help and did not come off as nasty, as that was not my intention.
Hugs,
T.