We've just entered a new stage I'm not sure how to handle. My almost 4 yr old (in two months) has started saying no to everything, not eating formal meals ( she says I hate it, even on things she loved last week). When I ask her to do something she'll say i don't want to. So I come back with then don't do it and she freaks out saying she wants to. Absolutely no winning with her. Up till now she's been so sweet and pleasing. How and what do I do to make it through this stage and come out with a happy, well behaved child?
The important lesson to learn here as a parent is "Never lose any fight" followed by "You don't have to pick every fght". If she doesn't want to eat whats on her plate - fine, just as long as she knows thats what available to eat and nothing else. She wants more choices so find ways she can have them (we can do A or B today, which do you want?) and save the fights for when it is important.
Ah sweetie, the terrible 3's turned into the trying 4's. Maybe she bypassed the terrible 3's so you didn't have a heads up on how to handle her.
Number one, NEVER say, "then don't do it". First of all, she doesn't have a choice about a lot of things in life, and you can't let her think that she does. Secondly, she wants and needs you to hold the reins on her and be her boss. She wants and needs limits and expectations. If you get wishy-washy, inconsistent, and let her call the shots because you don't know how to parent her, she can't stand it and she will walk all over you with loud little boots that will crush your heart.
Believe me, she doesn't want to do this. But she can't help it because she doesn't know how NOT to do it. It is YOUR job to prevent her from doing it.
She will not be a happy, well behaved child if you don't rule the roost. If she doesn't want to sit down with you at dinner, tell her that she will have to go to her room and send her there. No coming out unless she is willing to sit at the table with you. No TV, no anything after dinner that is fun and usual. And more than anything, no eating anything other than what was on the table up until bedtime. She will be really hungry and mad, stomp her feet and scream at you. Ignore her other than to say, no more than twice, that she missed her dinner, but she can eat it if she wants it. And offer it to her no more than twice.
The next night she may try it even harder with you to see if she can break you down. Repeat the same thing again. Show no emotion to her when she is doing it. Send her to her room. Unless she is coming to that table to sit down nicely and eat, DO NOT allow her to come out of her room. Kids want your attention - they'll even take negative attenton, and they actually want you to argue with them so that they have a chance of wearing you down and getting their way (whatever their way is - as you can see in your daughter, she doesn't even know what she wants!). Don't fall for it. The only attention when she is fighting you at dinnertime is that she gets put in her room.
A few nights of this, being hungry, not getting anything to eat different than what she would have, and she will stop this stuff. Then you start working on the rest. When she says no to doing something, she either does it or she goes in her room and you take away a privilege in her schedule. When she ramps it up (and she will), send her to her room, take away a loved toy, AND take away a privilege in her schedule.
Throughout all of this, give her lots of positive reinforcement for all the good stuff. Lots of attention paid when she is behaving.
You'll get through this if you do what I'm suggesting - promise!
Try to constantly give her choices (choices that are appropriate) do you want your milk in the red cup or yellow cup? might distract her from the fact she doesn't want milk she wants juice Dinner in the kitchen or dining room? on the green plate or the Princess plate ? . Do you want Daddy or Mommy to tuck you in bed? Have two toothbrushes to choose from if toothbrushing is a problem. Do you want to do this now or in five minutes? Use a timer whenever possible, kids feel like this is more fun than Mom bossing them around. When the timer goes off we clean up toys or get in the bath, or get out of the bath etc She wants to be her own person and kids don't really get a lot of choices in their lives so try to find some.
She's doing all the winning. If you make it so that you're the one winning, then you both win. She's not happy winning all the battles. Put your foot down. Set boundaries and follow through with discipline with 100% consistency. I'm still working on that one myself. Don't let her negotiate. If she needs to do something or stop doing something, follow through. If your'e thorough and consistent, then this habit will end in just 2-3 days. Good luck!
She's asking you to set some rules for her.... she's all mamby pamby, roley poley, not knowing what is good, bad, right or wrong.
Show her where the fence line is Mom. She's fishing for answers with her wishy washy behavior.
She showing her independence. Its good in its place in time. I would sit down with her now before there is a question and explain that if I tell you to do something I expect you to do it. But Also think though she wants independence so you should foster it by giving her more options. I wouldnt push food you can give her a complex. I ask my daughter so would you like carrots or green beans tonight. She realized she has no choice she must eat a vegetable but I give her a choice of what kind.
Ditto exactly what Dawn B said, I won't repeat it. It may be harder to get her in line because she hasn't tested you before, so you being consistent is even more important if you want her to be a happy, well-behaved child.
