My Son Says NO Way Too Much!

Welcome to the wonderful, terrible twos. Nope, swats don't work and can actually be harmful to your trusting relationship. Timeouts stop working. One thing that works for me is bribery. Also, rather than put her in timeout, I put a toy or item she is playing with or loves a lot in timeout - it seem to have a bigger effect. I also put myself in timeout. I can't really leave the room unless her older brother is there to watch her - Lordy, she needs constant supervision at this age!, but if he's there I will go in my bedroom and lock myself in for 5 minutes (I can hear them perfectly), or I will take a timeout and read or work on the computer and refuse to talk to her until my timeout is over. I do threaten things like, No dessert tonight, or we won't go to Target later. or maybe the park..that helps.

The other day she pinched her brother and I told her that I was going to change her diaper and then she was to go in time out for pinching and her response was...OK...yeah. So she did her little timeout, and then had to give her current carry-around toy to her brother for 5 minutes, with an apology for pinching.

Other than that, I just pray that when she turns 3, it will end!

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My mom always told me she liked the age 2 so much more than 3, and I now know why! I have an almost 5 yog and a 2.5 yog, and my 2 yo just started with the nos, too. I had forgotten, kind of, since my older was here! I think it is because kids are so darn smart, they start playing these games. So, I try to get her to realize it is not to her benefit to say "no" all the time.
1. If I say, go get your shoes, and she says "no" (and she does) I sternly say "You don't tell momma no", but I don't swat her or give her time out (they don't work and they are still getting what they want, attention)- unless it is something that might endanger her, because I don't want her knowing the power her saying that has on my sanity! Instead I will say something like, "that is too bad, because we were going to do xyz," and I walk away, completely ignoring her. If her sister is there I then ask her, and since she just heard something fun, she is on it! Then, my little one usually hustles to do what I had wanted and I then say, "oh, maybe you shouldn't say no so fast. Thank you for getting your shoes!" Then I ask her something she will say yes to and tell her that I like that better.
2. My parents laughed at this one, I would literally say "Ready, set, go" after she said no, and she would run to do whatever.(Again, ignoring her "no") Unfortunately, like I said, kids are smart, and that one is starting to not work!
3. If it is really not a time I can wait for her and these little games, I just don't give her a chance to say no to the same thing i.e. "Come here please", inevitable "No", I say "You can come here or I will come get you" and if I have to get her, it is no fun. I take her to where I was and say again, "you don't tell momma no". I may take whatever she is playing with until she is ready to do what I ask. Also, I give her an example of the phrase I want, sometimes even silly, "Yes, momma" or "Momma that is a great idea" or "Of course I would love to do that!" and she repeats it, which can be funny in itself. She will slowly learn (I think and hope) that saying no does no good and is no fun.
I went on and on, but I hope this helps you come up with what will work with your little one. It is all about trying new things until you find what works, and then when they catch on, trying more. Good Luck! This too, shall pass!

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Hi P., Unfortunately you have entered the "no" stage. It is part of their development, trying to gain some independence. With my oldest son, I had to pick & choose my battles. Depending on what it was he was saying "no" to, I either ignored it or he got a timeout. I'm not saying that it worked all of the time, but with patience (easier said than done - haha :)), "no" will not come out of his mouth as frequently as it does now. Good luck and know you're not alone with this - I believe every child goes through this! :)

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Hi P.,

My son went through the same thing when he was two. What I found that worked for us is that we started giving him choices. These choices were things that we could live with and that really didn't matter to us, but gave him a sense of control and independence which is what kids seek at this age. An example of the choices would be "You can come here on your own or I will bring you over here. Which do you chose?" We gave our son all sorts of choices like, "Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?" "Do you want to wear the orange shirt or the green one?" "Do you want juice or milk?" "Do you want to play with this toy before or after naptime?" "Do you want the red pajamas or yellow ones?" "Do you want a story before or after bathtime?"

We started bombarding him with choices that we could allow him to make. If he said he didn't want either choice we would tell him that we were sorry but that wasn't one of the choices and then repeat the choice to him. What we found was that even though we would still hear the occasional NO, especially if he was over tired or hungry, the occurance of the terrible NO's drastically declinced because he got what he wanted, which was a little control over his life.

I know each child is different and you must do what you feel to be the best for your child. I wish you luck, also remember this phase too shall pass. LOL

K.

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It's a phase, and not to be punished, but instead worked through with choices ,etc...., IMO. I would read Love and Logic, which is a great book with lots of good ideas, or one of Dr. Sears discipline books. Don't forget, if he's repeating it a lot, he heard it a lot ;).

Here's a really awesome link for you!
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

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my 2.5 yr old was doing this a few months ago. First of all it will pass. but you want to limit the damage it might do. I agree with some of the other responses. He just liked using the word and the power it gave him. So once we noticed that we changed tactics. Always give him a choice like "We are going to play outside, should we play in the front yard or the backyard" or " We are going in the car do you want to get your shoes or should I" Limit his no responses and then you can decide what should be done about the other times he says no. My husband and I felt it was tough because we don't want our child telling us no but felt he really didn't understand it all. So there were times we reminded him to not tell mommy no and then there were times that we ignored it (if possible).

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P.,

We had the same problem and it drove us nuts. So we put our son in the corner for time outs. We also have tried to not use the word no. We say the same thing, just in a different way. Fo example instead of "Don't get up on the table" We say "let's play over here instead" and redirect him. We also don't ask him to do something we tell him. This was it's not an option. For example instead of "do you want to go to bed" we say "it's time to go to bed". It doesn't always work, but it has helped a ton. Good Luck. It's not easy.

K.

Hi,

A 2-year-old will say "no" to everything. It doesn't mean that he understands what he is saying, or that he is purposely being disrespectful. I am a school psychologist and I assure you that it is very age/developmentally appropriate. Give him choices whenever possible. For example, we are walking to the car, do you want to hold my hand or be carried. Do want to wear the green shirt today or the red one. Etc. The more choices the more impowered he will feel. As far as the "no's" go, I wouldn't get to hung up on it. If he gets a reaction from mom and dad, a good or bad reaction, he will keep doing it. Ignoring him, redirecting him, refocusing him, getting his mind on something else are all things to try. Hope that helps.
C.

Have you tried 1-2-3 Magic? I borrowed the program from my library. The basic point ts to remail calm and when you hit 3 make the child go to time-out. You can even drag him there and make him sit for the time alloted. Since he is 2 I would only go 2 minutes. It has worked wonders for both of my kids and a friend of mine has a difficult child and she is using it on her and it has really helped. For example, if you say "Dillon, please come here" and he says NO, then you would say "Dillon, that is 1. I said come here." If he says NO, the you would say, "Dillon, that is 2. I said come here." If he still says NO, then I would say "ok that is 3. Time out" If you send him to his "corner" and he goes willingly then fine. If not, drag him over there and make him sit or stand or whatever you do for time-outs. Then start over. It may take a few time-outs but he will start doing what you are asking by the time you hit 2. My son, all I have to say is 1 and he is there. Just a note, I did start this when he was 2, he is now 5. Good luck!

Hi Pricilla,

I have six children, the youngest of which is now almost 12. The oldest is 20. I have tried so many different things in raising my kids and I will tell you that different methods work for different kids. I agree with choices and time outs. I most whole heartedly say do not use bribery for this kind of thing. I did that and it was a huge mistake. Bribery is okay for potty training and other type of things like that, but not for getting them to be on their good behaviour. that just makes them feel that they should expect something for what they are required to do and it just has to keep getting bigger and bigger in order for them to be motivated. Don't make that mistake as it is a huge one, trust me. If he tells you NO, firmly tell him that he WILL do as he is told or he will have a punishment, whatever that punishment is. Mine was time outs, facing a corner, with their nose in the corner. Further more my kids were told that time out did not start until they were standing quietly and would restart if they did not stay quiet. Yes, it sounds harsh but they catch on quick as they are smarter than they get credit for. Give it a try for about a month I guarantee by the end of the month he will be much better behaved. Good luck and God bless.

D.

Ok, when I was growing up, my siblings and I did NOT say no to our parents! It just wasn't an option. I think that children don't respect their parent's like they used to anymore. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy that recently went through this stage with a vengeance but is now doing very well at obeying. We have a zero tolerance stance on the issue. When he says no, we say in a very stern voice "What did you say?!" In the beginning he would just repeat "no." And we would say "you don't tell mommy/daddy no!" If it was his first offense of the day, or if he hadn't done it in a long time he got away with a warning. Otherwise he would immediately go into timeout. The instant that "no" left his lips we would say "you don't tell mommy no! Go to time out." When he comes out of time out we always ask him if he knows why he was in time out. He will say "because I said no." Then he apologizes to us, we hug, and go on with what we were doing. We aren't wishy-washy about it. The consequences are clear and immediate. He is sooooo good now. He knows that we mean what we say, but it took a lot of him testing us (and us being consistent) before we got to this point.

I think what the other moms said about options is great! It will be easier on everyone to reduce the opportunity for them to say no. But let's face it, there are times when a child MUST obey you immediately. Like when their ball is rolling into the street. You have to give an "order" and their safety depends on their obedience. If a child is used to not having to listen to you, then they may make their own decisions with devastating consequences.

There were times when I thought I would go crazy with how frustrating it was to have my son constantly testing me. But now that he knows his boundaries, he's back to my sweet, darling little boy and our days are spent with fun and laughter instead of constant defiance.

Hope this helps :)

Don't 2 year olds just love that word?!? The method we use is great and has worked like a charm. It's pretty much the Supernanny method. The thing with kids is they like to have a choice, and I feel it is our responsibility as parents to teach them about making choices from day one as that prepares them for the big choices they will face in life. So if just asking or telling him to do something gives you the resounding NO!, give him his choices and consequences. We use the corner as a consequence. I am definitely not opposed to spanking, but it doesn't work on my 2 year old. We just tell him in a firm way "Here are your choices. You can do [x], or you can sit in the corner." or whatever other option you would like to get him (doesn't always have to be a consequence). I hope this helps you. As a fellow mother of a 2 year old, I know how difficult it can be at times! Good luck!

First, just something to consider: Does he hear "no" a lot in his little world? Second: Offer him choices so that "no" isnt an appropriate response. THere is always a way to say something that offers a choice, and helps him think. EXAMPLES: 1. Instead of, "It's time for your nap." you could say, "Would you like to walk to your nap or be carried?" or "Do you want to nap with this blanket/animal or this one?" 2. Instead of "Let's wash your face/hands" say "Would you like to wash your face/hands at the kitchen sink or bathroom sink?" 3. Instead of "Let's eat now" say "Did you want to wear this bib or this one?" or "Do you want your chair here or there?" or "Which food are you going to eat first, your potatoes or your carrots?" I find it fun to think of new choices I can offer or ways I can offer a choice that I havent thought of before! It keeps me AND the child thinking! There is a way to make it a choice almost always, it is all how we approach it. Sometimes the choice is how they will get there (walk on their own or be carried, etc), sometimes the choice is the timing (now or in 5 min), sometimes the choice is where. Just make sure either choice is acceptable to you and he has free to choose which one. If at times he wont choose, then you can say, "Since you are not choosing, I will"....and make the choice. Have fun with it ...I sure do!

LOL - are we having fun yet??? The "no" ride is no where near over, sweetie! My daughter - 21 mo - says it just to say it. She'll say it WHILE obeying! Her two big brothers were more defiant about it. The only thing that reduces the frequency, for me anyway, is ignoring it. He's two, and it's for show. You said it yourself - it's a powerful word. Dillon is just testing it out, honey. Some of the other moms suggested giving choices - stellar idea. I remember that working really well with my oldest. Still does, as a matter of fact, and he's 8. (I'm trying not to think of the "no's" he's about to dispense as a teenager.)

Please forgive me, Carol, but I have to warn you: three is 5x worse (in my experience)! Hang in there, P. - and keep a good sense of humor. I'll try to do the same. Hey, it can't last forever, right? :)

~ R.

I read in Parent magazine once that toddlers generally say no for everything even when they mean yes. The magazine said to wait a few seconds and ask again. When the toddler has time to think about it it might be yes.

I use NO for danger and STOP for other things we don't want my son to do. I have found that because we don't use it as offen he doesn't and when he does have a stage that he uses it regularly I just continue with what I asked him to do. (If I ask him to come here and he says no I go and get him add say "you need to come when mommy asks") Good luck.

Ah yes, my youngest son's first word was "no", thus proving that we said it to him far too often!

This is a case of Who's In Charge Here?

I suggest that you say "no" to your son when he asks for something and explain cause and effect. You can explain that when a parent says "no", they do so for reasons such as safety, health, schedules, etc. (all in 2-3 year old language of couse). You can also tell him that children aren't allowed to say "no" to a parent without a good reason. If he says no again, ask him "why?". It's amazing what a child that age can understand and I'll bet he asks you "why?" quite often.
Perhaps instead of swatting your son, when you ask him to "Come here", and he says no, you simply pick him up and move him where you want him.
You can also use the timeout system. Tell him that if he says "no" to you once more you're goign to put him into TimeOut. 1 minute per year of age.
Good luck!

There is one thing for the child to say no politely.... a different issue when he says it disrespectfully. My little 3 girl who is almost 2 has mastered the art of "no" as well..... however, there are times that no is okay but said kindly. I tell her she will not talk to mama mean... but has to talk the right way.... & then I tell her she has to say "no thank you" in a kind voice. After I trained her to talk respectfully when she reverts back to disrespect I just tell her that I don't can't hear her. I can only her hear when she talks kind to me. Also, alot of times if there is something I want my kids to do, I don't phrase it in a question like "Will you pick up your room?" I just tell them to pick up their room please.... they still may say no, but at least it is something that was stated & not questioned.... hope this helps! Just keep reinforcing honoring talk.... his words to you (or anyones words to others) are like a gift he is giving.... when he speaks dishonoring then it's like he's giving you a bag of dirt.... when he talks sweet he is giving you a gift of flowers.....

Welcome to my world. I really don't have any advice to offer since I'm in the same boat, I just want to let you know that you're not alone.

I can totally understand, as I imagine any parent of a 2 year old can. It seems to come with the new found ability to do things for themselves which is a healthy stage of development. That does not mean they have the freedom to do whatever they want or be rude and disobedient. You can teach him the correct response. He can be taught look you in the face and respond, "yes mommy" or "yes Daddy". After he has learned the correct response he may need a form of correction for defiance, but it does wonders to teach them the acceptable response and in saying "yes" they commit to doing it. For more information on this consult On Becoming Childwise available at libraries or Amazon.

When you command your son to do what you ask his rebellious spirit kicks up. So, perhaps speaking with "giving a choice with consequences as a result" will work. Saying, "Please come sit at the table so you can eat, or you will not eat until dinner". He has a decision to make, not a command to follow. Maybe this sounds too difficult for a 2 year old to understand, but you probably get my point and can simplify it. Basically it is about the consequences to our choices/decisions. He will learn to think more purposefully and positively about what he decides.