How to Be Happy

I am struggling with how to answer this question and not sound ridiculously light hearted or flippant...because I do NOT mean to be that way at all..I have struggled with family issues during my 61+ years..a daughters' .teenage pregnancy,a daughters attempted suicide, another daughters divorce and marital issues with my husband of 41+years. I do know that the way to survive these times is not to lose sight of the fact that EVERYTHING in your life isn't a negative...you have to look for the positive things and spend as much time focusing on them as you do focusing on the negatives. I don't know what type of difficulties your daughters is experiencing but count your blessings that you are able to quit your job to be there for her!!! How many families would never be able to give up one income for a significant period of time? Can you imagine dealing with this and holding down a full time job at the same time?? Your MIL is having difficulties adjusting to her new surroundings BUT she has a loving family that is there to be supportive and loving...and she will adjust eventually...it just may take a while longer than you would like. I wonder if it would be easier if your MIL and FIL were in a joint facility...even if one was in the nursing home wing and the other were in the assisted living wing...at least they could spend time together without you having to be the transportation.
You need to be patient with your husband....he is dealing with all of these issues too..and as you probably know...men deal with things SO much differently than we women do!!! He is probably feeling like a bit of a "failure" because he isn't "in control" of everything...so many times men see family difficulties as "their fault" or somehow at least something that should have foreseen and avoided all together!!!
Your daughter leaving for college is a big step for her...and for you!!! Concentrate on the new adventure...see if she wouldn't love a girls day at the mall...shopping for the things she needs to supplement what she already has there at home for her new dorm room or apartment. Sit down with her and make a cook book of some of her favorite "comfort foods" that she can prepare while she is away at college to help ease those homesick evenings.
But...don't forget about yourself!!! And your marriage!!! Make date nights with your hubby...I am sure that money is a little tight since you have quit your job...but plan times together that don't hurt your budget too much. Rent a couple of movies, and spend the evening together cuddling on the sofa as you enjoy them. Go for a long walk together, talk about all of the good things that you have in your life and remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place.
And for yourself...pamper yourself...find a good book that you have been wanting to read...or spend an afternoon at the local day spa....call a girlfriend and make a lunch date...something to make yourself smile and feel good about your self!!!
FInd a good friend that you can trust to share your worries and fears with...a trouble shared is a trouble halved!!! You can do it...just take it one day at a time....one minute at a time if that is what you need....keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will come out on the other side of this!! I promise!!!

Well... I've always found that a nice, cold, dry martini helps.

No, really!

Look, life is hard. It just is. I've often felt that people who are ridiculously happy are either deluding themselves or they're just not that smart. (Like the old bumper sticker says, if you're not outraged, you're not paying attention!) Enjoy the small moments, find small ways to get away from it all (dumb romance novels, pretty sunsets, bubble baths, martinis, whatever works for you). Don't worry about being happy. Take happiness where you can find it, and take care of yourself. Pamper yourself in small ways - work out every day, go get a manicure, buy the kind of ice cream YOU like instead of what everyone else wants... just do what you can, and accept that sometimes life is just really hard. Don't put pressure on yourself to be happy all the time. This low point will make your next high point seem really wonderful! Look forward to that.

Remember, only you can make you happy. You can not rely on hubby or anyone else to bring happiness into your life, it is all on you, so figure out what you need/want/like, and find a way to grab hold of it. Men often do not talk, so they do tend to get moody when things are hard. Be there for him, make sure he knows you are available for whatever he needs, and than let him be, you can not fix this for him, and your happiness should not be put on hold either. Best of luck to your family.

Make sure you carve out time to take care of yourself. If you put yourself last you will eventually have nothing to give. You have to make sure that you are rested, fed, and cared for. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. I think you'll find everything else is more bearable when you make sure you're ok.

On another note- start journaling. It's a nice way to "end" a day, or to "vent".
I also recommend a support group for the difficults you are and will be going through with your in-laws. As for your daughter- it sounds like you are doing your best to be a support system for you. Kudos to you. Depending on what she is going through perhaps help her find a support group, or counselor?

I tend to internalize hard times and push through them. Then, when I care carry the burden anymore- I relent and re-prioritize myself and put myself first. Usually, at that point I am able to pull through. It's hard to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish- it's like putting gasoline in a car- the car needs the gasoline to run- and we need to take care of ourselves to benefit others.

Good luck.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I found through my roughest times that Happiness is a Choice. It is one that you make daily and minute by minute. I kept a journal with me at all times during my down times (I still have to go find it somedays). In that journal I would list all of the good things in my life. All the things I was thankful for. I would then take the time to pray. It doesn't matter if you pray to God, Buddha, Higher Power, Mother Nature or the Ceiling Fan...get it out there and out loud, it helps!
Even then it didn't always help as much as I needed it to and then I found that if I do something nice for someone else, I felt bettter. I would pay for the person behind me at Starbucks for coffee, always made me smile. I would give that homeless woman on the corner $5 and a bottle of water. I would donate my time at charity events. I bought birtday presents for near strangers children because I knew they couldn't. Eventually I out lived the chaos of my life. I found energy in these things that gave me the energy to get my life back together. Find something positive in every reaction and accept blame for the wrong things in your life, and then let the bad go! and accept praise for the good! Do your best to change the situation, even if its just being thankful to spend time with the people your in the situation with. Just remember to focus on "This too shall pass"! Good Luck and I hope you find the silver lining in your situation, because it really is there, you just haven't let yourself see it yet!

My best advice, when all else fails turn to God. He helps those who help themselves and it sounds like you've been doing everything in your power to cope; it's not enough. Now it's time to hand over the reigns to Him. Let faith give you strength.

I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time. But it is so encouraging to hear you say that you really want to focus on the positives and be happy even in the midst of a lot of difficulties. A couple of things that have worked for me:

I started seeing a therapist on my own. My husband wouldn't go but I decided that it would at least be beneficial for me to go. My point in going was to air out my feelings but also work on coping mechanisms. I have a tendency to get extremely stressed out and I needed to figure out how to alleviate some of that. It also helped to just have someone tell me I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I was feeling.

Talking to close friends or family really helps as well. I have a hard time talking to my mom because she gets very opinionated and judgmental but my sister has always been a good sounding board and friends will help you laugh through the pain. I'm a very private person so it took a while for me to feel comfortable telling people some of my "dirty laundry" but eventually I came to realize that others could relate and it made me feel better about my situation.

This one may seem really corny but when I'm in a really rough period in life I force myself to write down 5 things that I'm grateful for. I do this every day. Some days it's extremely difficult because I'm in a really negative mood but it forces me to focus on the positive things in my life. And then I start to realize that it's not all that bad. It's really just a way of refocusing your brain on the positives rather than the negatives.

Anyway, I'm sure you will find the right combination of steps that will work for you. Until then, good luck!

Didn't read other responses, but this isn't a "happy" time. It sounds like an incredibly difficult time and to expect happiness puts a lot of pressure on your self. Between empty nest, caring for parents and daughter... wow! Sounds as if foundational identity is being shifted all at once... mother, daughter, wife.

Self care is key: long showers, good talks with girlfriends, renting comedies, some exercise, observing nature and be aware of anything else that might drain your precious energy reserves at this time. If you can, think in terms of one hour, one day at a time, rather than long term. Keep your expectations of yourself smaller than you might (Women typically take on more they can handle.) This is a time to burden those you love you!!!

Suggest some time away for your husband as well. This is a time many men feel trapped and know their youth slipping away. You both need to encourage one another's respite what ever that looks like for you and he.

Focus on moments of joy, rather than sustaining happiness. Give yourself much credit, much care.

Best to you!
Jen

Are MIL and FIL still married? Hiring an in home care person to take care of both 24 hours a day may be cheaper than a nursing home for one. Many agencies provide this service, just ask a social worker at your local hospital for a list of referrals.

I'm sorry that you have so much to deal with. There are 3 things I did during a very difficult 3 -year period in my life that helped me get through. One was simply talking to someone. My friends and family let me vent, cry, etc. To be able to put into words my fears and frustrations and to let out the emotions inside was very cleansing. Second, I looked for the positive things in my life - my daughter's good health, my son's smile, the ability to pay our bills, my husband being employed... Some of them may have seemed insignifcant to others but for me finding positives to balance the negatives was important. Third, I bought a wall plaque with a saying that really hit home with me: "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.” This helped me connect with my spiritual side and I found that very comforting. However, even if you take away the spritual references, I think one is still left with the message that life is full of unfortunate events and sadness and we each have our own tales to tell. We can find healing in taking a positive approach to to facing our problems. Finding balance in our lives and not giving the negatives the power to control us is key. Fight back with positives.

On a side note, my husband kept his feelings bottled up and wouldn't talk to me about his thoughts and feelings. I think it tore him up that he couldn't fix the problems we were facing (among other things we had a seriously ill child and there was nothing he could do to change that fact). I tried hard to make life as normal as I could for us, to see that our children were happy and well cared for, and to take care of our bills and responsibilities. It wasn't until recently that he told me he never felt closer to me than when we were in the midst of that sad and stressful time. Unfortunately, I can't say I felt the same way. But, knowing that now, makes me think that perhaps my approach at being positive and being strong for my family made a bigger impact than I will ever realize.

Now, 4 1/2 years since the onset of that awful period, all the issues have been resolved and my son is doing well. I may not have been happy through all of it, but I found a way to be content enough to function for my family and to count on better days ahead. Best wishes to you.

I prayed and prayed, talked and talked and waited it out. Believe me we have had some horrible rough times and as you go through this fiery tunnel you will reach the end and go wow. Life has its ebbs and flows-where did I read that. While you are going through all this you can do it calmly. One step at a time. I have lived through major flooding, lost home(s) to flooding, eventual divorce, the time in which my son was in the service was horrid, my other son was hospitalized last year with depressive conditions, my dog died at that time and I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. In the meantime our cars all broke down and we difficulty getting to our jobs that paid for the insurance to handle all this. Well, let me say, once I got cancer I decided then and thereafter: what is the worst? I could have died. Nothing means the same anymore. We need ourselves. So catch a moment for you here and there, a bubble bath and much needed walk. You cannot change some of these things but you can ask God to take care of everything and you be nice to you. Hubby is depressed, too. Your daughter is going to get through this, Mother in law will be well cared for and surrounded by people taking the burden off of you, God will take care of Father in Law and you will see daughter on vacations and be so proud when she graduates college. Good luck and hugs from all of us

As another Mom mentioned don't let your emotions turn into depression, if you cant get out of the down feeling w/in a month or so I would not hesitate to see if your family Dr. He or she can refer you to a counselor and maybe see if they think anti-depressants would help you. You and your husband are facing a lot and it sounds like things may not get easier for a while. If you are a chuch goer I would suggest both of you individually or maybe together talk to your pastor for advice and counsel too, Try to keep the lines of communication open with your husband. Also be sure you are both getting out of the house each day. As hard as it may seem, exercising like a brisk walk or jogging for at least 30 minutes each day will help lift both of your spirits. Exercise with your husband if you can, early mornings are good when it is still cool. It will help you a great deal. Best of luck to you and your family Mom

Hi, I am sorry you are going through hard times.

What helped me in the past is remembering that life comes in cycles (good, bad, good,bad) and that nothing bad lasts forever, that there will be a rainbow after a rain, that G-d never gives you more than you can handle, and if you got a lot on your plate it is because you are strong and can handle it and you will come out of it being proud of yourself.
When times are tough I prioritise, focus more on things that will matter in a long run and give less attention to things that will not matter so much perhaps in a month or a year...
I also take a moment to evaluate what is important, what I need to drop or change, what I can do different to make my life work again. Life changes - we need to change with it, try different strategies and usualy G-d shows me the way.

It sounds from your story that 2 most important things are your daughter and your relationship with the husband (they are long term and will affect you the most) and the MIL and FIL health issues just the short-term issues that are also putiing the strain on the first two relationships.

Hope that helps a bit, I will pray that things turn to better for you soon.

Take one day at a time.

Be proud of yourself for functioning on SOME level, even a low one.

Know that this time will pass.

Seek and accept help from friends/family.

Good luck! You're in my prayers!

Wow -- that's a lot on your plate.

Do you belong to a good church? I think most people don't realize how desperately they are searching for God in their lives.

There is a great church not far from Arlington Heights -- Harvest Bible Chapel's Rolling Meadows campus. The main Pastor is James MacDonald and he is an excellent teacher. If you don't belong to a solid church I would highly recommend you check it out on a night that he is preaching. He is at that campus on Saturday nights at 5:00.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Hang in there, mama!

If you would like to know more about Harvest you can check it out online at http://www.harvestbible.org/10424/content/content_id/1627....

I find that it is always helpful to focus on my physical well being and the happiness will follow. If you don't work out or exercise regularly, start. If you do, try something new. It's amazing what and endorphin rush from physical exertion can do for your mood. Maybe try a new gym or yoga studio where you can meet new friends. This is a time when you need to focus on you, and being your healthiest, happiest self so you can take good care of your family as well. Hope things get better for you.

Read or get the DVD "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes (yes, made popular by Oprah a few years back). You can also go the website: http://thesecret.tv to see what it is all about - and get inspiration. During my hard times this has really helped me tremendously and the power of attraction does work! It doesn't matter what religion - if any - that you are as it speaks to all. I wish you and your family joy and peace.

Get up each morning. Remember to take your next breath. Focus on just the next step. Find a little time just for yourself. Cup of coffee on the back porch, walk around the block, driving with the music really, REALLY LOUD, or a soak in the tub, whatever decompresses you. This will help you not become over whelmed by the big picture. I have been there (several times during my 50 plus years on this earth) with seemly every aspect of my life in crises. Know you will get through it. Know you can’t control everything. Know life goes on. Take care of yourself so when others come to you, you are not totally empty and have something to give. Cry in the dark under the stars, but don’t forget to laugh and smile in the light. It all comes down to attitude and that is your choice. We’ve all been there you can make it. Best to you.