Any Other "Coach's" Wives Out There?

Kara~
This is long, you may want to print it out... esp for future reference.

While this may seem backwards, sometimes the ones who love us the most point out all the negatives of our situation... it's not because they don't love us, it's because they DO love us. They don't want us to be hurt or disappointed, and they want our lives to be joyful and problem free. So they point out the negatives so we're prepared for them, AND so they know that WE know they want the best for us.
There's one problem with that... when they focus on the negatives, it causes US to focus on the negatives. AND, when we're focused on something, it seems larger than everything else around us.
You can't change many things... that your husband is paid what he's paid so he CAN devote MANY hours to the team (year round-- off season is the real prep time!)
YOu can't change that your family hates sports...
You can't change that YOUR workload is heavy because your husband's workload is heavy!!!
You CAN change one thing... YOUR focus. Focus on the good your husband brings to the table. FOcus on the privileges his income affords you. Focus on these two beautiful children. (Keep in mind, your husband may be standoffish to the 4 year old simply because he doesn't relate to her... YET.)
When ANY family member says ANYTHING negative, do three things:
1. SMile
2. Thank them for loving you so much, and say that you know they're mentioning this because they care so much about you.
3. then say, "From now on, I'm going to be focusing on all the great things my husband does bring to the table. So please support me and the kids by NOT mentioning negative things about him or his responsibilities. (say responsibilities, not "job.")
4. Finish with, "YOu can trust that I won't listen to anyone say negative things about you, either."

Truthfully, you will have to remember to NOT VENT to your family members. I know you can find someone safe to vent to WHEN NECESSARY, but as you focus on the GREAT things about your husband, you'll need to vent less and less.

ALSO-- you may need to remind certain family members several times to NOT criticize your husband. DO it with a smile, gently and firmly. ANd repeat exactly the same steps each time. Refuse to argue-- they may want to argue with you, or tell you it's not healthy, or that they have a right to their opinion.

You can respond with (smiling), "You certainly do have that right... and I have the responsibility to my chlidren and myself to maintain a positive & healthy focus by not being around such criticism. I hope I won't have to avoid conversation with you to keep myself and my children emotionally healthy."

Yep-- this might be hard. BUT-- your chldren and your marriage DESERVE this commitment.

I truly suggest that you find a church home and join the young mom's group there. You can find support from other moms whose husbands' jobs require long hours-- believe me, it's not just coaches!!!

I'm so happy that you're able to be a SAHM-- I wouldn't trade those years for anything, hard as they were!!!!

Please contact me if you need me...
J.
____@____.com

I'm a SAHM/coach's wife but my husband is at the high school level. It is difficult especially during the season (his sport is football). My girls and I rarely see him so I try to make an extra effort to get time rather it be meeting him for lunch at the school, going to games, or being there for other extracurricular activities. Now that my youngest is old enough to run around and play, it's alot easier. My husband works with a family friendly staff...there are always wives/kids at all events and the head coach strives to include the coach's family as he too has little ones. I would recommend getting to know some of the other coach's wives of those on staff, going to games, and communicating your feelings with your husband. I feel for you in regards to the time and "home business". Feel free to email me if you'd like to talk more, Im in Lewisville. BTW, what is your husband's sport, baseball?

Hello Kara,

I'm a coach/AD's wife so I do understand exactly what you are talking about. We have three children, our daughter is 14, our middle son is 11 and our youngest son is 7. I'm a hairstylist in Keller and a Home Interiors Consultant, we will be residing in Justin within Harriet Creek starting Sunday. But enough of me.

I can truly relate to what you are going through and it is hard and lonely all at the same time. I would love to connect with you. Contact me at ____@____.com

Please don't be offended by my candidness. I just think sometimes wives are blind at first because they are so in love and then later when life happens they blame the wrong person. Surely you knew his dreams when you decided to marry him and have a family. You don't have the right to resent him for being successful at his dream. It is his job and he can't just turn it on and off. Do you have any idea how lucky he is to have a coaching job at that level? My father and husband have only dreamed of that. Your kids respect what they see you respect. Kids are proud of what you are proud of. My fathers coaching stopped way short of college but I loved watching him make a difference in those kids. There are so many bad coaches out there that don't use their gift for good. Be proud of him and support him. He probably also feels lonely as far as the marriage is concerned. He feels like he has to choose or he's in trouble. I bet if you respected him and showed that you were proud of him instead of focusing on what you don't have he would probably be a little more affectionate. He's scared to get shot down. I almost lost my husband a few weeks ago and we didn't have the best marriage as far as romance and respect but let me tell you I realize what I do have and what a lot of women don't have.

Im not a coach's wife but my hubby travles alot and I live in Corinth. I went to UNT am a REALTOR so I know Denton really well (Ive been here 11 years). Shoot me an e-mail or give me a call and I will be able to fill yo in on local acivities and groups!
T.
###-###-####

Not a coaches wife, but grew up a coaches kid. I know it is hard, but hang in there. You really don't have to prove anything to your family, they should love him because you do. They should not be putting you in a tough spot like that. Try loving what he does. Try going to the games etc. Meet some of the other wives of the coaches he works with. Have after game dinner nights at each other's houses. My parents always had these at each of the coaches houses after the games and the kids were included and all played together while the parents ate and played games or talked. Sound slike you do all the home care with the bills and all, which is your full time job since you stay at home. he probably doesn't say much but I'm sure he notices. Talk to him about how you feel and about how you feel about your older child. he may just not be sure how to connect with her.

While I cant help out with the sports thing, I do understand how lonely it is with your husband being gone. I run an in home day care, and he works over nights 7 nights a week, so Friday nights I am usually on my own, and for some reason that is the night that it bothers me the most. Although I have double the kids (G-7, G-4, B-2, and G-7months) I do have two kids the same age as yours and am always looking for a Friday night buddy. Even if it is just another adult to chat with while the kids play!! Let me know if you want to try to meet up sometime, and see if it would work out. Take care ~A.~