Hard Time Dealing with "Surprise Pregnancy"

My first two boys were total surprises and I cried and was so upset for a while with each pregnancy. It's ok to be upset. It has nothing to do with how you feel or will feel about this baby. Once the baby comes, it's all good. Then we actually planned for a third, had a loss and got pregnant again. I was very happy! Then we found out a couple weeks later that it was triplets and it felt like our world had crashed down around us. My husband was concerned about the guy stuff like money and where to put them. I was concerned about how I was going to be able to give them all the attention they needed, since my older two are 8 years apart so they had one on one attention. I cried so much, prayed to God for help, decided I couldn't do it anymore at one point and so on. The pregnancy was hell because I was terribly ill. I literally felt like a human condominium. But all turned out well and I gave birth at 39 years old. I've aged allot since having these guys. I'm 43 and my body has gone through so much hell and having lots of after effects. But after it was all over, it was wonderful! It was overwhelming, but in a wonderful way! The one nice thing was that I was older and had more patience and could do things with the triplets that I didn't or couldn't with the older boys. The triplets are 9 years younger than my 13 year old and my oldest is 21, married, has a baby and is the Corps. Allot of things changed since having my 13 year old so in some ways I was able to make up for missed things with my older boys. It's not easy when you're older in some ways, but in other ways, it's much easier because I'm older and more mature. The nice thing for you too is in between dealing with your pre-teen older children they can help with things. They'll be gone to school while you're alone with the baby and can really bond. The entire family will have to become a team and the older kids may have a chore or two added on in the beginning to help keep things running smooth and to give you a break. But with extra chores come rewards. Just remind the kids that "family = team".

My brother and his wife can't have children so I always felt guilty about having kids, especially after the triplets. But I decided that I shouldn't hide or not talk about the babies. I talked to my brother about it and he agreed. Their feelings are theirs and they have to be the ones to deal with any envy they may have.

Congrats on the new baby!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
chat and events within 2 hour radius

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Hello and it does get better i was 43 when i had my last child and i cried for 8 months because i didn't want another child. It is worth it i figured that God wanted me to have one more and i don't know what i would do with out her. I have one 16, then there is one 7 and now the little one is 4. GOD BLESS YOU. I felt guilty not wanting another child and all of my friends there are 8 of us that still run around and none of them have children only me and i feel i am blessed.

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Hi M.,
While I am young, only 30 now, I did deal with a surprise pregnancy. My husband and I married while I was still in college. I had finally graduated, had a great job and my husband and I were finally looking forward to a normal life for a few years. I was on birth control and very good about ensuring I had not missed pills etc. I got pregnant less than a year after finishing school. I was 10 weeks pregnant when I found out. While I told my job, I asked them that it be told only on an as needed basis to managers that I worked with. I was devastated and upset. I just wanted to have time for myself and my husband after working full-time and going to school full-time. This disappointment lasted well into my third tri-mester. It was as time went on and I felt him kicking and moving that I was finally able to start dealing with it. He is now 6 and I am so happy to have him in my life. We also have a 4 year old as well. I think that it will take a little time, but I do understand your feelings. I felt the same way about being upset because I knew friends who were trying and were not successful. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, so give it time and I think you will be fine. You are not a bad a person for having these feelings. Good luck!
A.

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I have a very good friend who had a surprise 3rd pregnancy at age 40. She absolutely loves her son and wouldn't change anything... now. It is very overwhelming any time there is a surprise pregnancy. It's completely normal to have the thoughts and feelings you're dealing with. It is OKAY to feel this way!!! Don't beat yourself up anymore. Just because you're not super excited does NOT mean you won't love this little baby as much as your other two. And it will probably be easier for you since your other two are definitely old enough to help out with the baby. Your 8 year old will probably be a little mommy herself! (my 5 year old is!) Just try to relax hon... It's okay to be nervous and overwhelmed. Another baby is big change you weren't expecting. It'll take a while to get used to. HUGS!

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Hi M.,

My oldest is 6 and my middle is 5 and now my youngest is 3 months old. We were not trying for a third especially because my two boys are in school, no more daycare, no bottles, pull-ups etc. I had a hard time dealing with starting over again and so did my husband. I can honestly say that sometimes things happen for a reason. I had my third boy and he was in the NICU for 3 long hard weeks and I did not think I could emotional get through all of it. I can honestly say, when I look at him, I could not imagine life without him. The moment I had him, my whole world changed, my thoughts changed, my way of dealing with things changed. My husband and I work full time and now we have to deal with daycare all over again, but my little bundle is so worth it. M., it will be ok, you have two slightly older children who will help you. My surprise was worth it, but I did not feel the way I felt until I saw his face. Hang in there, everything happens for a reason..

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Hey! I'm 4 months pregnant with my third. 39 years old in April. Total shock. Very unhappy at first. My situation is different in that I am a late bloomer in general, and my first two are still very young, 3 and 1, so I'm not even out of the diaper stroller years yet. This is convenient since we still have all the gear-but same thing- we were using protection, and didn't want a third. We have a perfect Girl and a perfect boy.
We had planned to move and enroll my daughter in a French immersion school this fall- a dream for a long time, I've been teaching her myself at home since infancy. We wanted to move to Europe in the next few years, and I'm trying to get my full time painting routine back in order and have no time as it is with two little ones. I had things mapped out in my mind "just so". Now everything is on hold. We're on a tight budget with no insurance and will be paying for this birth out of pocket again. We never splurge on the epidural, so I'm not looking forward to the pain. This scraps the move and the French school entirely-and this is the year she needs to start in order not to be behind. I had just finally gotten back in shape physically after hard work "for the last time". My husband (musician) will be gone for the next 8 months almost constantly touring and will probably miss the delivery this summer, but we can't afford to cancel any shows. So much for painting and getting a nanny. I had planned to execute enough work for a major show. Also, I'm having a high risk situation and have been ordered off my feet and am surrounded by inlaws helping while I lay around getting nothing accomplished.

ANYWAY. You get my point. I was secretly whining to myself for weeks about my new lot in life before the truth emerged in my head, that this child is a blessing and new plans will take shape. Every day I get happier and happier.

Don't feel guilty for anything you are feeling. Let yourself work it out. Pray for strength. Just be yourself and live day to day. You're kids will LOVE the baby, and you are still young! Most of my friends didn't start having kids until now-and like yours, they have trouble conceiving, so I feel bad complaining about my plentiful brood. But my best friend who has been trying for years is also pregnant at 41, which is a perk for me to have a pregnant friend.

50 is the new 30! It's good inspiration to be healthy and active and keep yourself young. If you need to talk, let me know. You'll be OK, and once you meet your baby, you'll be shocked you were reluctant. That's what I'm banking on anyway :)
As for not wanting to be a 40 year old mom like your own mom, since I'm already sort of in that boat with young toddlers, I don't feel too old at all. I feel as energetic as I did in my 20's but more mature. And your kids will help. Also, you are very lucky to work at home-as I am. This will help a lot! Count your blessings and allow yourself your grievances. You're mind will catch up to your reality!
Best wishes! I'm here if you need me!

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When I found out I was pregnant with my third I struggled throughout. It was the worst time to be pregnant. I was dealing with depression and anxiety, I was in a different country, I couldn't go anywhere because I didn't know how to drive and my husband was gone from 8a.m. to 10p.m. everyday doing school and work. We had no money, no insurance etc.

Needless to say I spent the whole nine months going through big ups and downs. I got a pelvic split so I was in constant agony and felt so alone raising my two children and trying to keep myself and a house together. I also felt terribly guilty for not wanting this child.

Now that you heard my sob story I want to tell you I survived. I always get postpartum depression in some degree or another so for the first three months I had a hard time bonding but it came. I cannot imagine life without my son. He is our little ray of sunshine. There were so many dark days then and he got us through so many of them just because of his fun loving and affectionate nature.

I look back and I realize that he was the perfect kind of child to be sent to us and it was the perfect time even though I didn't see it then. I think this was totally meant to be and he was sent to us for a reason.

Don't worry about how you feel now. Eventually you will look back and say wow I didn't really expect this child but now I am soo glad that I had them. If you are already happy being a mum you will continue to be so because you know what it takes.

Motherhood is full of ups and downs but you sound like you are doing a good job.

P.S. I have four children now! (#4 was planned!)

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M.,
I too was in a similar situation 11 years ago with my 6th child Zoe at the age of 42. My husband and I thought we were "finished" with raising our 5 children, when, quite unexpectedly we found ourselves about to be starting over again. I was planning to go back to my former career and had prepared myself for re-entry in my field. Alas, that was not to be at that time. (I have since gone back to teaching after a 17 year absence)
The good Lord had other plans for us. We are so blessed by this child I can go on and on. Trust that God knows what He is doing and accept this gift from Him as a bouquet of roses sent from Heaven. May God bless you and keep you.
J. W.

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I know what you are feeling. It was exactly two years ago that I was 42 with a 13 year old and a 9 year old and no intention of having more children when I discovered that I was pregnant. It was very much a shock to me and my husband, but more so for me (my husband's mom was 40 when she had him so it didn't seem as big a deal to him, my mom was 21 when I was born). I cried, I felt like a teenager must feel, I was afraid to tell my parents and friends because I knew they would be shocked. We just started getting used to being able to leave the two kids home alone if we wanted to go somewhere together. I knew that what I thought life was going to be like over the next several years (which was dealing with a daughter in high school) was now going to be drastically different (dealing with a baby). Well, our son is now 16 months old, my husband and I are 44, my daughter is 15 and other son is 11. So how is it? We wonder what we would do for fun if we didn't have the baby around. He entertains us and we have a lot of fun and laughter in our house with him. Everyone looks forward to getting home to see him. I think we spend more time together as a family because of him especially with our 15 year old. I will be honest though, at times, especially now that he is running around and getting into things, my husband and I wonder how we will do it. The older kids have to do more things to help out. It is tiring, but we are not bored. There are times when I think of all the things I could be getting done if I wasn't running after a toddler or how a quick trip to the store isn't so quick anymore. But there is that wonderful feeling when he gives us hugs and kisses over and over, since we don't get them as much from the older kids anymore. It is gratifying to see the older kids playing with him and watching out for him and being amazed when he does new things and it is nice to have extra helpers in the house. They are learning to be responsible in a way they never would without him. So far our experience has been that there are sacrafices and there are joys. Some things are easier then when we had the other two and some things are harder. There is not much in the way of advice here, just the experience of someone going down a similar path. Best wishes to you and your growing family.

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M.,
I had my one and only son at 39. Although he was very much planned and wanted (after 3 miscarriages), I never thought I would be having a baby at 39, but that's the way it worked out for me. All I can say is that it might just be taking you some time to get your arms around this idea/reality, but I'll just bet that once you see this baby, your heart will melt like it never has before. Also, now that you're a little more mature, you may find that you enjoy motherhood even more. You'll be a more relaxed, confident mom than you were (maybe) the first two times around. Best of luck to you and your family and God Bless!

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Though I haven't been in your situation, I would urge you to not be so hard on yourself. You thought you were done and are happy with your life as it is. A baby is a big change and a huge responsibility. I know many 39 year olds who would not ideally want to have a baby at that age, me included. Not that I judge others for their choice to do so, it is just that I feel my family is "complete". I think your reaction is normal. However, just like with anything else in life, you will find a way to adjust. You'll draw on your experiences with your other children and you will be a wonderful mom. I recently finished reading a book called "Thursdays at Eight" by Debbie Macomber. One of the characters is dealing with much the same situation as you are. She is married, has 2 teenagers, owns a business, and is content with her life. She is overwhelmed when she learns she is having a baby at this point in her life. To cope, she leans on her friends that she meets for breakfast every Thursday at eight and she keeps a journal in which she writes down 5 positive thoughts every day (or maybe it is every week). Anyway, you might enjoy it. It is light reading and not a very long book. Warmest wishes!

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Hi M., I too had a surprise pregnancy, my oldest was 11 and my other 7, now my youngest just turned 1. My husband and I were content with our family and were not to excited about starting over. The sleepness nights and late night bottles, why would we want to do that again? Well, now that he is here, we couldn't imagine not having him, he puts such joy in our life, he is so cute and also the best baby out of the three as far as ease. Be happy that you are blessed with another joy in your life. I also found that this one is much easier, maybe because I am older(37) and I am a bit more relaxed about things. You are only 40, you already are running here and there with kids, what's one more. Relax, once your baby is here you will be amazed how much you enjoy having a baby around again. Good Luck!

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Hi...you have already had many positive responses, so I hope they are helping you feel better about where your at...here's mine....I was 37, when I found out I was pregnant with my third. Just a week before, I had my tubes tied, so it goes without saying, I was sure I did not want any more babies!! Turns out, I was pregnant when I had the procedure done! It was a little scary, not knowing if the operation had any effect on the baby. I have to say that I was not happy...at all!! I had two boys, one 13, and one 8years old. I was not into "starting all over again" either. Like you, I was looking forward to the next stage in our lives. I had a beautiful baby girl!!

I know that many of your responses have said very positive things about their surprise...but I have to say that mine literaly saved my life! A year after she was born, I went through a divorce...it had nothing to do with our surprise. She was the only thing in my life that kept me going. My two boys were old enough to take of them selves, but my daughter was just a baby, so I had to keep going for her. I went through severe depression, and there were many, many, times, I just wanted to run away, or "end"it all. She is now 14 years old, a straight A student, and the delight of my life. I am remarried, and she has a great relationship with her step-father, as well as her father. My older two boys are now out of the house, and it is just delightful to still have her at home. I am going to miss her so much when she is gone. Looking back, I can't emagaine my life without her, or where I would be today. My first two children were much older, and it was so neat to see them with her. My oldest just adored her, and, my second had a great time having a little sister. They are both great with children now, I believe because of there experience with their sister. I could say so much more, but trust me, when that little one arrives, you are going to wonder what you would have done without them!!

I did experience a lot of anxiety about the pregnancy, and dealing with the idea of having another baby. If you want to know more, just e-mail me ____@____.com, and I would be happy to chat with you..good luck...it's gonna be just fine!!

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Hi M.,

Everything in life is a way to learn something about yourself.

You mentioned that you didn't want to be like your Mom and have a baby at 40.

there is the lesson. This is something that willy connect you to your mom and see how she felt.

Just wanted to share. All the best. D.

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This happened to one of our cousins. The same time I was having a very difficult 6th pregnancy (with no babies, yet) at the age of 39, she was 40 and surprisingly pregnant with her 3rd (having 14 & 11 yo sons) and not very thrilled. As the pregnancy progressed, she started to become happier - the family threw her a giant shower and that helped get her more excited. By the time the baby was born, she was very happy about it, and is having a TON of fun, since many things have changed since her older children were born.

Congrats! :)

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M.:

I was in your situation 5 years ago when I was 41. At that time my 2 oldest children were 5 and 3 and I had a surprise pregnancy at age 41 (delivered at age 42). I had been through years of infertility and losses, so this was unexpected. Now my "baby" is 5 years old and I can't imagine life without him. Yes, it's hard and exhausting, but with 2 older children, it is easier b/c they can help. Hopefully you can get some hand me down clothes and baby items from friends. Time flies by quickly and you turn around and they are starting elementary school! My older kids LOVE their little brother and I am so grateful for him. I wish you all the best and a healthy baby.

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If it were me I would feel blessed that this has happened. It is a gift sent from heaven, God must think you are a wonderful mother to give you another chance...God Luck with everything, and as far as your friends go, just try not to rub it in and take with a grain of salt. Hope this helps.
J. B.- married mother of 2 beautiful girls ages 10&5.

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I am a mom at 40. I was 38 when my son was born. It does not matter how it comes about,pregnancy is life changing.It is not bad to be an older mom. I feel now in life i am more paitient. I am not the most religious person but god has his reasons for everything.At least financially you will be able to afford another child so that is a good thing. Everything will be alright. Cograts.

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Women who are 22 and expecting their first baby have almost the same fears that you do... and odds are, you had the same fears with your first baby. Maybe you're not worried about "how" you're going to be a mom... but you're still worried about the impact on your life, your marriage, the future, expenses... all the same things.
I guess what I'm saying is that anytime a new baby might pop into your life, you're going to have some fears and reservations.
I'm sure you can remember seeing your older children for the first time when they were born. The sheer miracle of two adults creating a new life that is unlike anybody else is almost magical. This baby will be no different. A baby is a blessing. Your 3rd child will teach your older children hundreds of lessons that will prepare them for their futures. Love grows and grows. It doesn't have limits.
Also, from a Christian perspective. We forget that God is in control and he'll never put us in a situation that we can't handle. In addition, I truely believe that he knows what is best, and whatever happens, does so for a reason.
Nobody can tell you how to feel or what feelings are wrong or right. Your emotions are your own, so I'm not saying you're bad for feeling a certain way, but I do encourage you to focus on the wonderful aspects that a new baby can bring to your life. The first time she/he smiles... you'll remember. :)
Good luck!

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Hi M.
I can completely sympathize with your situation. When I was 36, I already had a 7, 8 and a 10 year old, and was ready to give birth to my biggest surprise of all, number 4! My third child (a girl) is high functioning autistic. She was a very difficult toddler to handle, and as she went into school, let's just say....nothing has every been easy. By the time she was 7, we were just starting to feel like we had a handle on things. We were just able to start doing "fun" things as a family again. We were completely out of the "baby mode" of our lives, and loving every minute of it. When we found out....surprise, I was pregnant, completely unplanned...I can not tell you the shock we had. I was so upset, and in complete denial for so many weeks. I actually called the EPT company to tell them I think their home pregnancy tests were faulty! :-) We were petrified of how we could have another baby, financially, and also, we were so worried because of my daughters autism, we were afraid of having another child with autism. Needless to say, we had a very healthy baby boy. I can not imagine any of our lives without him now. He is just so fun to be around, he is now 6 years old, and I have three teenagers in the house. They all help out with my youngest, and always have. He is almost spoiled in a way my older kids weren't.....with the attention he gets. I won't kid you, it was difficult going back to the baby stuff, and Lord, preschool all over again, after you thought you were done! But, in a way it was easier than our first children....we knew what the heck we were doing this time....we felt like old pros this time around. I think the hardest thing is being an older mom, I am 42 now, and I seem to be much shorter on patience than I was in my younger more energetic days. But, again, I wouldn't change any of this. I now look at it as a huge blessing to have four beautiful, well behaved kids. I know so many couples who aren't able to have a baby, so I look at this as a blessing. Good luck with your growing family. And try to ignore the idiots out there that make negative comments to you about being pregnant!

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Hi M.,
I could imagine that if I was in your situation I would have very similar feelings. I think that what you're feeling is completely natural and not at all selfish. I also think that when this baby gets here, you won't be able to imagine how you lived life without this child too. God Bless you. This time around, remember that you will at least be able to enlist the help of your two other children, so maybe you won't be so overwhelmed with keeping up with the house and all.

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Hello M.,

My heart goes out to you. What a tough spot you are in at this time. i can feel your pain.

But I must share with you that this happened to my beautiful daughter Elizabeth. I was so sad for her also. However, baby Isabel is now three, and while life has been challenging, she is such a joy. We find ourselves saying so often ... how could we live with out this bundle of life and joy ??? She brings so much pleasure to the family. I believe her position in the family inspires her to be outgoing, funny and fiercely competitive with the other children. She has evolved into a little dynamo and we all enjoy each minute of the day with her.

I will put you on my prayer list and pray that all your decisions are comfortable. Congratulations on having a successful home business. Not many women can say that.
Hopefully you will be able to continue a similar routine and that your new addition will only bring you great joy and happiness.

Blessings, B.

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My friend went thru this. She was so upset when she found out she was pregnant but her husband was happy. She ignored the pregnancy until she was really starting to show. She couldn't bring herself to tell anyone until people noticed her growing belly. She already had 2 children and thought they were done. She was miserable during the pregnacy, crying one minute, mad the next. When the baby was born (a healthy boy), she didn't really want anything to do with it. She said she was concentrating on the other 2 kids helping them adjust to a new sibling. Those closest to her knew that wasn't the truth. When the baby was about 3 months old, her husband FINALLY figured it out. When her husband talked to her about it and supported her, that's when she started to accept the baby. I'm happy to say it all worked out, they are a happy family now. Hope this little story helped. Hang in there. There is a reason you were blessed with another pregancy even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

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Hi: I'm sure that a surprise pregnancy is different from a planned situation -- but when my husband and I adopted 2 children, I was 42. We went from no kids to a baby and a toddler in one fell swoop!! It was definitely overwhelming at times, but I have never felt my age to be an issue. Of course, everyone is different and has different energy levels, but I just wanted to give you reassurance that a 40-something can do it! I also work at a pre-school, and while I am probably the oldest of the Moms, the others aren't all that far behind me. So I have never felt any stigma about my age. Many parents are older these days. Best of luck to you. God bless!

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When I was pregnant with my second, my first was only a year old. I didn't think I was ready for a second one yet. I didn't embrace the second pregnancy like I did the first at all. But all of the doubt and uneasiness disappeared the very second I held her for the first time. The moment that I remember the most of her birth is lifting my newborn baby out of the water (I had a home water birth) and feeling that intense love that only a mother could feel. I didn't even know if the baby was a boy or girl yet, what the name was, and none of that mattered. I loved her.

Almost two years later, and I still love both my little ones so much. My fears were settled, and I realized that giving my older daughter and my step-daughter a baby sister was a great thing.

Sorry I can't help with the being a new mom at 40 or having been past the baby stage part, but I do know the feelings of not being ready for the blessing-on-the-way.

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Hi, we were also in your situation. My husband has 18 year old twins from a previous marriage and I had a 13 year old and a 16 year old when I got pregant (also on birth control). I cried when I found out...my husband took it much better. His mother told us she was too old to become a grandmother again! I had a very difficult pregancy.. the doctors kept thinking things were wrong but they weren't (Thank God) and just very tiring I was 41. Now we all thank God everyday for him, he is the light of our lives (and if you ask my husband's mother she will deny it). I really appreciate things much more with him because I realize just how fast they grow. My daughter is a great help with him (my other one left for college in the fall). He is three now and we are really enjoying having him, eventhough he is a handful to keep up with. My parents had me in their 40s, I was the "surprise" and I didn't think that I ever wanted to do that, but now I'm so glad we were blessed again. Good Luck and remember sometimes the best surprises are the ones we didn't ask for....

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I know exactly how you feel. My daughter was 11 when we found out we were expecting a 2nd! I was adimant about not having anymore children. I was on the pill at the time...what everyone else is saying is so very true. She is the best thing that could have happened; we can't imagine life without her. She has truly changed our lives but for the better. It will work out.

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