Over 40 and Making Babies!

Hi L.,

I had my first baby at 43! Like you, my friends all have teenagers.

My son is now 17 months and I am 6 months pregnant!!! I am nervous about being this old and having a baby (now am 45), but am also starting to get excited about having 2 children. I love being a Mom and cannot imagine having gone through life not experiencing the love and happiness it brings (along with the sleeplessness and worrying...).

Also, I have a step son who has been staying with us a lot this summer. He lives with his mother and no other siblings. Everything seems to be so "about him" and he cannot seem to be alone for even one minute! This makes me happy to give my son a sibling to grow up and old with.

As my doctor said a lot of people in their 40's have one child to have a child and have a second one for the 1st child. Makes sense.

Let me know what you decide. We did not have any help. My husband is also in his 40's and we conceived very, very easily;-)))

Hello, I was 40 and mother of a 21 years old daughter when I decided to be pregnant again. I had a wonderful and healthy boy who is now 10. Everything went very well and I had no problem at all. If you really desire to have another child, do it, don't wait.
Good luck.
G.

Hi L., Yes, I am going to be 41 in October and have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years or more. I am currently seeking help from Boston IVF. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to expand at this age. I have a nine year old daughter who wants a sibling very bad. I have a beyond small extended family and would like more family. I, too, am not looking forward to the pregnancy and sleepless nights but thinking back, being a new mom you don't think its ever going to end. But, a second time mom, you know these phases pass quickly. I guess its called experience. Good luck.

Hi L.,
I don't know that I have any direction for you, but I do have some support! I had my first (and so far only) at 43. I'm so glad I waited. I'm a better parent now than I would have been 20 years ago, because I'm way more patient, way less stressed, and way less selfish! (I'm not saying younger parents aren't great parents; I'm just talking about my experience, of course.)

If I had a teenager I may not want to "do it all over," but it sounds like your 40-ish friends are in a different place than you are. So, my thought is: trust yourself! You're the one who best knows what's right for you and your family.

Hi L.,

I am 48 (soon to be 49) I have four children ages 30, 23, 10 and 8. I also have one grandson age 7. As far as making babies after fourty. I did not seem to have much difficulty (I wasn't actually trying!) I do realize I was lucky to have two healthy daughters in my later years. Barring the obvious risks associated with potential genetic abnormalities, I didn't find the pregnancies in my late 30's and early 40's to be particularly more difficult than the ones in my teens and 20's. (My body did not bounce back too readily after the last though)

The real issues I had were not having many parents in my age group so it was hard to find true peers to share with. Also as I am now nearing 50 with two daughters nearing puberty, I am well aware that I have aged during the past decade and I still have at least a good decade to go. I am lucky God blessed me with two sweet, loving, affectionate little girls, but I would be a liar if I didn't admit to being a little wary as to what puberty will bring and I hope I have the endurance that will be needed.

Lastly, though I have no regrets, I am beginning to see the passage of years and life stages and realize there are things I may never do because of the decision to be a mom again at this time of my life.

All in all, when I say my prayers each night, I thank God for the gift of Abby and Grace. No one will ever love me as much as them. Though someday they will love someone else even more then me.

J. L.

Hi L.,
I think that you have to be prepared if you have difficulties getting pregnant and think about to what means you want to go to conceive that child. There is a lot of medical help one can receive, but over 40, most insurance won't cover expenses to conceive.
I could not get pregnant and sought out medical help to have one child. After a year of infertility, we chose not to have children. Four years later, I got pregnant the old fashioned way at 44! I'll be 47 on Wednesday with a almost 2 1/2 year old! What a trip.
Also, if you get pregnant, expect lots of doctor appointments since you would be a high risk pregnancy. The last month alone, I was at one of my two doctor's offices three times a week. My daughter is great, don't get me wrong, but there will not be a number two!

I think it is great if you want to have another baby! Good for you! I am sure that with a good ob/gyn that you will have a healthy & carefully monitored pregnancy. Good luck & follow your heart!

Hi there! You've got a lot of great responses. I had my first (and only so far) at 40. She just turned two and my husband and I have not yet decided if we are going to try for a second, or rather, not try to not have another, if you know what I mean. We did decide we wouldn't take extra measures such as fertility drugs/treatments etc, but if it happens the old fashioned way then that's what we'll get.

I absolutely love my little one and many times wish I'd had her sooner so I could have more of my life overlap with hers, corny as that sounds. I know there are no guarantees in life but I really really wish and pray that I get to see her grow up and have children herself.

A good friend of mine had her first at either 38 or 39, then started trying again when she was 42 - went through all sorts of stuff and then got pregnant the old fashioned way at 44. SHe has a healthy baby girl now and a sibling for her 6 year old.

There's a good book from a woman who had secondary infertility at age 42 and how she triumphed over it by changing her habits and becoming super-healthy with respect to her diet, mental state, etc. It's called "Inconceivable" and it's by Julie Indichova. I just finished and and found it quite interesting.

So I haven't said much that's helpful, but simply shared where I am to let you know that others are in similar situations.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

I wanted to address your feelings of someone missing. I always thought I was to have 3 children. I only have 2. I'm 54 years old and until recently I felt "someone is missing". I recently sponsed a child in another country. This finaly ended the "missing person" feeling for me. I truly would have loved having more children. My husband was very happy with two children. Although when I was about 43 we did discuss having another child. We were all set to try and then I had an accident and that ended that. I have 4 grand children now. I am very blessed and happy.

I did just what you are contemplating doing. I had two children at 25 and two children when I was 40. I can tell you that you are really tired of all the school stuff and running around at 55. My youngest is a junior in high school this year and I cannot wait until the school stuff is over. But the upside is they keep you young. I wouldn't change a thing! You will know everything that is current with kids and you will be young at 60! Also, I really believe I have a lot more patience now that I am older dealing with children than I was when I was 25. You do not sweat the small stuff as much. Good luck!

My mom's parents were born in the late 1870s! Do the math...we're late reproducers. They were in their mid to late 40s when my aunt and mom were born (back in the mid 1920s). My mom had me in her mid 30s; I had our son at almost 37 and my husband was 44. I guess my mom and I were early bloomers in the family tree. : )

The things I would ask yourself are varied...

1) Do you have the energy for two little ones? (If so, you'll have a ball with them. They'll keep you young.)

2) Do you have a history of depression other than PPD? (If so, perimenopause can mess with your emotions as much or more than pregnancy and life. Just be aware of that.)

3) Are you prepared to be 60+ with high schoolers? (It's happening more these days. However, our 12-year-old is already complaining about how old we are...achy knees, more established in work, "boring", no cousins his age).

4) Are you prepared to deal with the outcome if your new baby has health issues? (If this happens, have you thought through your actions or choices if something complicated arises? Would you terminate the pregnancy or not? This is something you and your husband need to think about so you are prepared, even if the situation doesn't arise or you choose to not do anything.)

5) Are you interested in doing fertility steps if needed? (If so, how far would you go with that? To what extent are you dedicated to having a birth? Secondary infertility is common at this age. We were never able to have a second child which feels like a loss but something we have basically come to peace with.)

6) Is adoption an option? (I know many people who have taken that route. Some don't for fear they may not love the child as much as one born to them. Sometimes that happens, but more often than not, the adopted baby is loved to the fullest. Babies and kids have a way of doing that to you!)

My nieces and nephews on my side range from college-age to 40. My husband's twin brother has a 27- and 29-year-old; his sister has an almost 40-year-old. His twin razzed us when we got pregnant saying, "We're almost finished, and you're just beginning! Nah, na-nah, na-nah, nah, nahh." We're hitting adolescence while their kids are getting married or having a kid already.

We're okay with that, but there's no doubt we're more tired than younger parents. But, as many have said, we're more patient.

Plus, we've had more interesting and varied life experiences, prior to our son. For instance, my husband worked overseas and traveled so much, he had to have extra pages added to his passport. He is able to give real stories to many of the places our son is studying in school. It makes these places come alive for our son! It's fun sharing stories with him of our lives before him. (Sometimes, I think he wishes we still did some of that stuff now.)

You may feel like not many older parents are out there, but they start coming out of the woodwork when you have kids. If not in your town, certainly you have a resource here. It's not next door, but it provides some wonderful support. If there is a parents' group in your town, you may find more older moms there.

So, I can't tell you what to do. But at least I can provide some questions and thoughts to help you think this through. My husband and I did some fertility but then stopped. We thought about adoption but chose not to. We still have pangs of wishing for a sibling for our son every once in a while. But we also are able to give him our all because of him being our "only". He has friends over all the time to provide plenty of exchange with other kids. And he has us, all of us, for better or worse.

If you go for another baby, I hope your body cooperates. Good luck! Happy decision-making!

I say, GO FOR IT! 50 is the new 35, so what's the big deal if you are healthy and eager to have another child? Don't let the "risks" slow you down - there are so many advances in nutrition now to help offset some of the problems, and there are medical testing advances too. Be sure your OB is comfortable with this, otherwise find a new one! I can help you with the nutrition part as well as the PPD if you want to connect. I was in my late 30s when I had my son, and I think I was a better mom for being older. You'll meet other moms doing the same thing and you'll make new connections. Don't worry about your friends - get them to support you. If they are true friends, they will make it about YOU and not about what they would or wouldn't do. You have a young child now, so having another is not the same as adding a baby to a group of teenagers. Being pregnant when you have a little one can be tiring for anyone, 22, 32 or 42 so you will have to do things a little differently just because you are already chasing one around, not because you are in your 40s. But again, great liquid nutritional supplementation can help with that. I also experienced post partum depression but I now know I had depression before that (it was just diagnosed PPD), and I've made great strides with it and reduced my use of antidepressants by adding the right balanced supplements. I'd be happy to share. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Hi - I will be 39 in January. We have a 2 year old boy and a 1 year old girl and we are seriously thinking of having another. The more the merrier. I would start trying now but 3 under three would be a little too much to handle. I dont know if our SUV could even hold 3 car seats! So, if we decide, we will start trying possibly next summer as my son would be nearly 4 and my daughter nearing three at the birth. I too am nevous of the risks and or the possbility of multiples - but it is my husbands thinking that God will give you whatever he is going to give you anyway. I was talking with friends of mine and they gave me some perspective ( both were 40 or near it for the birth of their 3rd) and they said in gest... no way - its the 3rd that kills ya at this age! But then my friend said, seriously, if you are even thinking about it and feel you want one - then you should because you dont get do overs and this is your chance and you wont ever regret having one, you will regret not having one. ... so the yearning is still there - Im not sure the energy is! I have a friend who is nearing 40 and will give birth in 1 month. I have a friend who gave birth to her 4th child in May and she was 40. The baby is beautiful and healthy. So - I say, if your body allows, go for it as this is the last period in your life you will be able to do this. Best wishes.
Jennifer

Hi!

I had my first at 41 & my second at 45. Go for it! Sure we're a little more tired than than the twenty somethings but my boys have so much fun together! I love having two. Hope this helps!
Barb

I had my first at 40 after 3 years of trying. What I hear is that 40 is the new 20 as far as having babies is concerned and most mothers are now older. I know I am a better parent at 40 than I would have ever been if I had him in my 20's or early 30's. I had no pregnancy complications at all. Go for it!!

Hi L.,
I'm 41 with a 2 year old son. My husband is 49. Loooong story short...he was a total surprise after years of doing infertility treatment and pursuing adoption. Of course, he is the love of our lives. Now, like you, I'm faced with not wanting to raise an only child for several reasons. Still weighing the pros and cons of having another baby, if it is even possible. I experienced pretty severe PPD and my son was colicy for what seemed like forever. I was fortunate to have a husband who could take off time from work and a supportive mom and best friend who helped. I also have a set of friends who are very content with their pre-teens and teens and couldn't imagine having another. I've found I need to look at it through a totally different lens as their families were complete in their 20s and early 30s and we waited and waited because of infertility. No easy answers, you just have to go with what's best for you and your family. It definately seems that it will be harder the older you are, just with energy levels, lack of sleep, etc. Best of luck! K.

You already have some really great advice with the previous posts and I agree with all of them - especially the school stuff.

I was 41 when my second was born (20 years between the two, although this my was 1st pregnancy). I had given up all hope of ever getting pregnant when surprise!! It was great - I loved being pregnant not matter how sick I was. But I knew that my body was older and the risks were MUCH HIGHER in the 40's than in the 20's or 30's. And then I gave birth at 28 weeks. It was a long road, but we now have a healthy joyful energetic little 4 yr old boy.

We are much better parents this time around. Both my husband and I often think of another child - and have yet have not done so. We show our ambivalence by not getting any birth control. Yet we know that having another child would be about us and our wants and not about the child. My husband will be 68 when our youngest son graduates from high school. How will he be able to do all the physical stuff he did with our older one? How will we be able to afford to retire? How will we be able to help the children start independent life or pay for a wedding while we are on a fixed income (if we can even retire)? How many of the child's peers will lose their parents at a young age (20's or early 30's) - what kind of support system will he have? Will his children have grandparents to fill that important part of a child's life? Should a 30-something be spending time visiting parents in a nursing home rather than having parents come over and help with the grandkids?

The sleepless nights are harder when you get older - and with an active young one already here, how will I manage?

And the risks are greater - they really are. Each bout of depression makes one more susceptible to more depression (not that it is a guarantee, but it is a much greater risk). I had mild PPD and my DR said that with perimenopause coming on, the hormones are off and depression is a strong possibility. The side effects of perimenopause vary greatly - but it can really slow me down when I want to run and play with my 4 year old.

My 24 yr is married and his wife is thinking of having children - I want to be free to be a grandma.

Mu husband has been working since he was 14 and he deserves some time for himself - to retire and bicycle, live out dreams he keeps postponing for child rearing.

My number one reason for not having another is that I do not want to have another premature baby - I do not want to see my baby struggle to breath, struggle to eat. The risks such get greater and greater with each year that passes.

That is my story - and I'm not making any suggestions to you at all. I still want another baby; I want a full term pregnancy; I want my younger child to grow up with a sibling who is a peer and not more like an uncle. I do not want to raise two only children - but that is what I'm doing at this point. Who knows what will happen. My husband and I know that having another child is not the responsible thing to do - yet we never quite get birth control. So I am ambivalent and will live with that and most likely decide against another child, as it would be about me and my wants and not the child's life.

Good luck and whatever you decide will be the right thing for your family.

Hi L.,

I have a 3 year old boy and a 6 weeks old boy and I'll be 42 in November. We would love another in a couple of years. As long as you take great care of yourself it doesn't matter how old you are.

good luck,
Allie

Hi L.,
well, I am 42 and my second baby is just 13 weeks old!
My daughter just turned three in May. I can't compare having kids when younger because this is the way it worked out for us!

We had a very hard time getting pregnant with my daughter - three years, miscarriages, difficulties. With this one, we got the same help (ivf) we had with #1, but it worked the first time for us this time! I feel being pregnant was a little harder this time, but I think most moms feel that way when pregnant and running around after a 2 year old!

I am fortunate that most of my friends are having babies now, and our children are similar ages.

I do find the sleepless nights to be VERY challenging - but the baby is 13 weeks and starting to develop some long stretches of sleep.

My preganncy was no more complicated this time around than last time.

So - plenty of us older moms out there!
Feel free to contact me if I can offer any more information or support! good luck to you with your decision!
Warmly,
E.