General Help

M. -

You can rest in the fact that you are a good mom b/c you really want to do the right thing for your child. Your love for him is evident. I know that sometimes when you are in the thick of things, it seems like the answer is just out of reach and the desire to throw your hands up and say "I'm done" is strong. Take heart...there is hope! Here are some books that have helped me along the way with my five children: James Dobson "On Parenting", Kevin Lehman "Making Children Mind without Losing Yours", Gary Tripp "Shepherding a Child's Heart" & the Growing Kids God's Way program - Gary Ezzo has a book titled "On Becoming Childwise" that is excellent.

I highly doubt you or your son are in need of counseling. He needs clearly defined boundaries, lots of love, lots of discipline and training on what is acceptable behavior. Once kids know they are loved and secure, they are so open to training. I've never had to teach my children to do bad things - they just know how from the start. But I've had to work non-stop teaching them how to love, share, speak kindly, etc. I pray that God will give you much wisdom as you walk this road. Warmly - J.

OK, I can tell I'm TOTALLY gonna be the odd mom out here, because I did NOT like that "1 2 3 Magic" book at all! (y'all PLEASE don't flame me). The "123 Magic" book (IN MY HUMBLE OPINION) was all about control and how to make sure the parent has ALL of it. It spoke nothing to the need for children to have some degree of control of things that affect them, to learn how to make some decisions responsibly, to learn good judgement, and *especially* to learn to express their emotions when they are upset! (For example, something doesn't go their way, and as soon as they start to protest (whine, fuss, whatever you want to call it), you say "That's one!" and if they continue, you say "that's two!" The whole point is they are expected to SHUT UP before you count to three OR ELSE!) I feel that it doesn't treat children respectfully and it teaches them to stifle their negative emotions rather than talk. (And, face it, nobody *does* want to hear the whining.) Now, please everyone if you *did* like that book, I'm not saying you're wrong - that's just MY take on it. I try VERY hard to teach my kids repect by treating them with respect as well - it has to be a two-way street.

Here's what another like-minded mom had to say about "123":
http://www.amazon.com/review/R3H6M2H7EIQYE4/ref=cm_cr_pr_...

M., you said something about wanting to find the "strong-willed mom" inside you, which I think is great, because you recognize that a strong will is a positive trait. So often it seems like that trait is NOT valued when it shows up in someone who happens to be short and refuses to eat their vegetables. Just look up "strong-willed child" on Amazon and see all the books that show up to help you "fix that problem" with your kid. (There's lots by that James Dobson guy. And, yes, I noticed someone just recommended some Dobson and Ezzo books to you, along with some other ones, but just about every author on that list makes me wince. Now, I'm TOTALLY not trying to flame her any of the folks that liked "123 Magic" or saying that they are bad moms, or "I'm right, she's wrong" or any of that jazz, but... people have VERY different views on this kind of thing.)

Now do an Amazon search on "Spirited Child". You'll see a very different set of books, although "strong willed" and "spirited" are basically two different ways to describe bascially the characteristics. But different parents will have different perspectives on how to deal with it, because whether you feel like you need to "control a strong-willed child" or need help to "tame" or "raise a spirited child" - it still helps to have some kind of support and guidance. Because 3 year olds are... someimes impossible.

So, if you're read this far and you understand where I'm coming from, I've got several books that I can recommend, starting with ones that are specific to preschoolers, because I think that will help you most RIGHT NOW.

(1)Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Revised Second Edition: For Their Early Years - Raising Children Who Are Responsible, Respectful, and Resourceful

(2)How to Behave so Your Preschooler will too - Sal Severe

(3)The Discipline Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age 10. -Dr. Sears (William Sears)

And if you think your child is more (strong-willed/spirited) than the average kid, try these:

(4)The Fussy Baby Book : Parenting Your High-Need Child From Birth to Age Five -Dr. Sears (William Sears)
(I really like this book, because he talks a lot about his fourth child, who was a "fussy baby", then a "strong-willed" preschooler, then "a real challenge" in grade school, but by the time she was in high school those same traits were a huge asset. She had loads of self-confidence, didn't cave in to peer pressure, she was outspoken and, well, strong-willed, a natural leader.)

(5)Raising Your Spirited Child - Mary Sheedy Kurcina
(6)Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting
Challenging Children Without Breaking Their Spirits by Michael H. Popkin

I also LOVE (7)Alfie Kohn's book "Unconditional Parenting" - but not only does he not give you any quick "practical" methods or advice, he says that anyone who tries to sell you a quick generic formula or method (like "123") is basically trying to sell you snake oil. The parent-child relationship is way too complicated to simply into a formula, technique, or canned response - you wouldn't go to a marriage counselor that recommended fostering communcation by a simple trick or formula, either.

Sorry this was so long - I hope it helps.

I have the 1-2-3 Magic book and it is great! The key to that book (and all others) is staying firm and consistency (which of course are the most difficult parts for all parents).

It's definitely worth it.

Please don't doubt yourself...you're a great mom (since you care so much) and you'll do the right thing. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you are definitely not alone...there are tons of us out there ready to pull out our hair :)

Although it is difficult to be a good mom (holding boundaries, etc.) it is definitely worth it when your kids grow up with good values, characteristics and a strong moral compass. My kids are 10 and almost 7 and its still a lot of work but I'm seeing the fruits of my labor from working with them over the years.

Stay strong and know that you are doing the right thing by your child (and family).

Hi M.,
I don't know if they offer classes in that practice but there is a book by that name and if you can stick with the process it does work. The first couple of days are hard until the child starts to see that you mean business. I used it with my son when he was younger. If you can't find it at the bookstore I'm sure you can get it at www.amazon.com
All kids test the boundries. My son is 12 now and still doing so. It's just part of them asserting themselves and seeing how far they can push you. Just remind him whose the boss or he'll be running you.
Good luck!

M. M.

First of all, GOD bless you! This is a tough time and our confidence does wane. Boundary pushing is what the little ones do! There is a FABULOUS book called "BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend that should be a staple for every parent. HOW I wish I had known of it years earlier.

Also, you can call 1-800-new-life for other suggestions. They are Psychologists and will refer you to just the right resource in our area. They also have a daily radio program which I try to catch daily on 1400 AM at 2:05 during the week. They discuss boundaries, parenting and marital issues. It has been a great help to me. I always hear at least one thing I can use to make life better.

Blessings to you...L.

"1,2,3 Magic" is an excellent book by Thomas Phelan, Ph.D. My pediatrician recommended it as well several years ago. It's definitely worth reading. I don't know about classes related to it, but I'm sure that they have them somewhere locally. You might also enjoy "Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. Toddlers are constantly testing limits, and they have to exist or you'll lose your mind. Good luck.