Favoritism

Talk to her, but remember:

Equal treatment of children is a wish, and an unrealistic one at that. It simply doesn't happen, even with the most well-meaning parents, because every child is different, with different needs and personalities.

It's not uncommon for grandparents to latch onto the older child. They came first. But when it's becoming obvious, you should talk to grandma about it. Perhaps she just needs some more time one on one with Victor, so they can get to know one another. After all, she had 3 years alone with Joe before Victor arrived.

There's an inherent favortism that seems to come with being a first-born, especially if it is a first grandchild. My oldest child is my in-laws' first grandchild, and he is, by far, doted upon the most. I don't spend too much time thinking about it. I just realize that they have a special bond with him because he changed their lives when he was born.

Don't waste any energy psychoanalyzing her "Likes" and comments on Facebook pictures. It is fruitless and pointless. Let her dote on Joe. I am sure as Victor gets older and his language is more intelligible she will come around and be excited to hear his stories too.

Have you tried talking to her? She may not really realize that she is doing it....

Start it out with something like.. "M., I know that your relationship with Joe is really special, but it hurts me to see that you are really starting to show obvious favor to him, and not pay much attention to Victor. I realize he may be hard to understand on the phone, but all you have to do is keep saying "Really? That's neat!" or something like that, to show attention to him, also. I also notice that you only have Joe's individual pictures up.... don't you think Victor will start to notice? How do you think Victor will feel if he thinks you like Joe better than him?"

"Please... when I post pictures of Victor on fb, "like" those, also.... it makes me feel better! ;)"

Yes you should acknowledge it to her and call her on it each time. Remind her to be fair (when your boys can't hear of course). My mom was like this after my daughter was born with showing favoritism. My son was her first grandchild and she DOTED on him. He was 5 when his sister was born and she came to watch him while I was giving birth to her in the hospital. He had a fit with her over something and hurt her feelings with whatever he said. She spent the rest of her visit not talking to him, wailing about how he hurt her feelings to people on the phone, and only doting on our new baby daughter. Then for the next year she continued to ignore my son. She'd only send her love to my daughter. She'd only want to talk about her. She'd only "like" her photos. It was AWFUL. I finally wrote her an email calling her on it and saying it had to stop. She got extremely angry and said she was never speaking to me again...that I was cut out of her life forever. Then about 2 months later she started speaking to me again and life went on as normal except that she no longer shows this blatant favoritism. She is very careful now. She has made references a couple times to the "incident". One time she said it was the time I said she didn't love her grandson. I quickly said, I NEVER said you didn't love him. Go reread that email. That is not what I meant. Another time she said it was the time I stood up to her. She's a funny person...narcissistic and with many issues. But even though calling her on it caused this huge drama, it really helped and made her change her ways. So, I'm glad I did it.

So I am thinking her rejection of Victor seems like a rejection of you, since he is like you. Do you have a good relationship with your mom or did she play favorites when you were little, also? If its a continuation of a pattern then she might have some mental issues. Addressing that would be using a fly swatter on a gorilla.

She may just be oblivious or the older she gets, the more impatient she is with younger kids. If its one of these two things, I would would ask that she evens out her attention.

you combat this by doing something with the three old while grandma does something with the older child, that way, neither child is being ignored or led to believe that the other child is loved more. if grandma gives the older child two toys and the younger child nothing, you give the younger child two toys and the older child nothing.. you have to be the balance between the two children , because otherwise, they will be at each other throats because of grandma ignoring the younger child.
K. h.

I know exactly what you are going through. My MIL totally prefers my SIL's kids over mine or my BIL's although it would be worst if it was one of my kids over another one of my kids where they see it all the time. its damn annoying.