My Mother Favors My Nephew

I know you want to tell your mom about your son's accomplishments because you are proud of him, but what if you quit telling her about them? At least for a while?? Maybe then she would get the hint.
I've done that with my mom, but for different reasons. And then she whines about 'you never tell me anything' so I come back with a 'gee, I wonder why response'. It gives her a wake up call for a bit anyway. Maybe that's what your mom needs once in a while........
I know its hard, but don't tell her about things for a while. Is there friends or other family you can share his accomplishments with? Just tell them and leave her out of it. Eventually she'll ask why and you can tell her and maybe she will actually listen.
I know it is a bit of a harsh approach, but sometimes that's what people need.

Your mother might not even realize she's doing it. Point it out and make sure she's aware that if YOU'RE noticing it, then it won't be long before YOUR SON notices it.

All you need to do is SMILE....(I live with this SAME situation) Your son will have an EXCELLENT relationship with you...and he won't with your mother and she can't blame ANY ONE but herself!!!(Just remember that) You need to keep focus on what boosts your son up and keep doing it!!!So he don't start to knock himself down by her comments IF he is with in ear distance...because you can't change her behavior..You can only make sure yours and your son's are happy...

FIRST try to analyze if there are/were any situations that might lead to this. Are your nephew's parents in a less-fortunate situation? Does your mother not see him as often as your children? Did you and your mother have a falling out in the past when your nephews parents were close to her when you weren't? Did your nephew have any problems at birth? Is he better behaved than your child is?

I am by no means telling you to "let it go" But I think it's important to consider everything before you sit down with your mom. There is obviously something that caused this sort of rift between the relationships. It's not a problem when grandma feels closer to one child or another because that's how relationships really are in reality. The problem is when they obviously show favoritism to one over another, and that's what's going on here. After you understand her actions better, you will be able to sit down and talk to her about it.

The thing that will probably get your point across more than any is the problems that the favoritism will cause down the road. When your children feel less loved and your nephew is spoiled and flaunts his privilege to the other children.

Is your nephew older then your son? Not that this really matters your mom should be proud of all her grandkids. If your nephew is older you could just say to your mom since my nephew is 9 months older he should be doing it for longer. Maybe your mom will get the hint. Maybe you need to tell her that you have noticed somethings or that her grandchils is feeling slighted. Has he ever said anything that why did grandma say goodbye to my cousin and not me? Your mom may not even be noticing she is doing it. Sometimes talking to someone in a non threatening manner is all it takes. Such as an I feel statement or my son feels. Instead of saying your not doing something right. This statement makes people feel defensive. Good luck.

I have the exact situation I have been dealing with for 2 years. My grandma watches my kids 2 days a week (I work from home) and she ALWAYS favors my daughter (2) over my son (6). My son notices this!!! Last week she bought my daughter a Dora lawn chair and NOTHING for my son (and my daughter already had a lawn chair and my son doesn't have one). I get so frustrated. We talk to our son about it but thankfully we are moving out of state so we won't have to deal with it much longer. I have talked to her about it and she acts all pouty and ignorant. I even "let her go" and my family got mad at me so I rehired her.

I do not think you should let it go. I had a Grandma who did similar things, but between my brother and I. I can tell you that by the time I was 8 I really hated her. I was not as lucky as your son. My mom did not notice it and I never said anything. You need to say some thing to your mom WHEN she is doing this, like the party you were at. When she goes to leave and does not good-bye to your son. Call her on it. "Mom you did not say good-bye to my son." If she replies that she did not realize that, and turns around and gives hugs and kisses to your son, then every thing will be OK. If not and she reacts defensively, you have a problem! I suggest that you try talking to her about this, maybe she feels she needs to talk about your nephew, because no one else does, or she is try to connect with you. If that does not work,start limiting the time your son spends with Grandma, especially at the same time with your nephew. It is only a matter of time, and your son will start to notice. Then he will start wondering "What is wrong with me?" Then he might start doing things to get her attention, or worse try to out do your nephew. Then your son will become "the bad one". Now is the time for you to make a plan of action. If talking does not get through to her, then slowly removing your self and your son from her life would be a very, very good thing. Tell her how you feel, and give examples. I personally do not think she knows she is doing this, and does not want to admit it either when brought to her attention. I can tell you that I still wonder why my grandma did not like me as much as my brother. I still wonder "What is wrong with me that she liked him better". Do something now, and thank goodness you noticed. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope the best comes out of your situation.

I am just now going through this with my youngest child and my mother in law. We have 7 kids and they were the only grandkids in my husband's family until our last child was born just 6 weeks before my sister in law had a son. My mother in law lives 3 blocks from us but spends way more time with her other nephew who is over an hour away. She babysits for them almost weekly. She has baby sat for us once.
Whenever we talk about Sam she brings up Austin. So, whenever she brings up Austin, I bring up Sam.
For us, I just have to realize that mom's are going to be closer to their daughter and their children than their daughter in law and the children most of the time. But in your case, I have no idea what to do other than let your mom know about how you feel.

I would suggest that you ask her to sit down with you and listen without speaking until you are finished. That way you can get it out without interuption. But you have to make it a heart feeling rather than an angry conversation. The best way to illustrate it is to use the dramatic good-bye that was done in front of everyone. It isn't wrong to have favorites, but it is harmful to show it in front of everyone. She obviously has some sort of special connection with that nephew, and probably doesn't have less love for other grandkids, but she needs to be appropriate in how she shows it in front of the other kids.

Good luck!

I understand where you are coming from with this. My parents pretty much raised my youngest brother's two oldest children and are much closer to them then they are to my children and closer to my children then my oldest younger brother's children who live 3 hours away. They also are very close to my sister's oldest daughter who was the first grandchild and who lived with them for a bit after she was born and later on when she had trouble with her step father. My youngest brother's two granddaughters are cared for by my parents and I see the same thing with that great granddaughter and my granddaughter who are a year apart. When my kids were small and said something about my neice and nephew being favorites, I pointed out that they aren't favorites but more children rather then grandchildren. I pointed out that while they can go over there for special times with grandma and grandpa and enjoy all the time spent there, the cousins are there so much that it is home rather then a special time. That grandma and grandpa have to get after them and be a mom and dad to them. This satisified my kids with knowing they much rather have grandparents who are fun and only have one set of parents who have to teach and disipline. With my great nieces and my granddaughter I find it harder but I do keep reminding myself that when they compare my great niece to my granddaughter as in one uping or telling a story about her when I mention something cute my granddaughter (also their great granddaughter) did that it is their way of discussing the cuteness and that they know my great nieces better since they have them every day. They see my granddaughter only once in a while and never for a long time. She only stays with me or her parents, so it isn't that they love my great nieces more, they just know them better. Once I look at it like that, it isn't hard and doesn't seem like playing favorites. My children and granddaughter do not feel any jealousy towards their cousins over it and that is because of the way I handled it rather then agreeing that they aren't as special to grandma and grandpa. We lived on a ranch for years in a house next to my husbands parents so my children were raised very close to that set of grandparents. My husbands sister claimed favoritism with my children and instead of talking with her parents over it, she complained to everyone else and the kids picked up on it. I found out how bad the feelings were when my niece who was 7 or 8 said "I wish I was grandma's favorite granddaughter" There is only two granddaughters and three grandsons. I knew she didn't come up with that on her own, she had to get it from her mom. When the ranch sold and we moved to one town and they moved to a different town 30 miles away (same town as my sister in law) my sister in law said to me "Now it is MY kids turn to be grandparents favorites!" This is really sad because it was never about favorites, just who spent more time with them and got to know them better. Now there is two greats on that side, our granddaughter who is the first and my nieces son and we are worried about it starting all over again since she lives a few states away.

Remember if you want your mom to feel as close to your son as your nephew, make she she gets to know him as well.

N., first let me just validate your feelings! The same thing happens in my family with my niece. I know how frustrating it is to be told "You just have a chip on your shoulder", or "I see your kids all the time", or here's my favorite.."jealousy is an ugly thing". These actions are hurtful and I am very much feeling your pain of wanting to share milestones with your mother but only feeling angry after doing so. What I have started doing is having my children call Grandma themselves. They can feel proud by sharing their accomplishments and most of the time I'm confident that Mom wont spoil their excitement by talking about their cousin to them.(although beware, it has happened a time or two, but not nearly as much as when it's me)
Confronting Grandma, our case, would not do any good. She tends to be very defensive and things seem to get really dramatic really fast. In order to not play the drama game, this has become our m.o.

The dynamic in my family sounds very similar to yours. We are a successful family who has never asked for much of anything from our parents, but EVERYTHING my sister's children do is a MUCH bigger deal than anything my children do. If my mom has plans with me or my children, she will drop everything at a moment's notice to be with my sister and niece.

I hope that you can get to a point where it doesn't matter what anyone else in the whole world thinks of your children as long as you are their biggest fan. Even if that means overcompensating with affection after Grandma has dropped the ball. Trust me, I know it's not easy. I'm still working on it myself, and it's more than a little disappointing to have to lower your expectations of your own mother, but I'm much happier having done so. If you're not happy, your kids won't be happy and maybe that means distancing yourself a little...after all "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I don't think there's any easy answer and I hope I didn't ramble too much, but I'm here to validate your feelings and let you know that it's not ok for Grandma to behave this way. I don't think they realize how painful it can be.

Hang in there-- and with a parent who is so in tune to family dynamics and their children's feelings I'm sure they'll turn out to be great kids with or without even handedness from Grandma.

You DO need to talk with your mom about this, but do it gently. You're the "momma bear" and your "cub" is being threatened. So don't go into it defensive.
Don't confront her in front of others. Privately, tell her what you've noticed and how it makes you feel and your worries for your son if it continues.
Try to be clear on what you are expecting. Say, "Mom, when I tell you about my son's accomplishments. I just need you to acknowledge those things without comparing."
And, as far as not saying goodbye to your son. I just tell my kids, "Give love goodbye to Grandpa/ma". They go up and give the hugs and kisses. Who can resist returning them?! My parents have a lot of grandkids, so I guess we've grown accustomed to the kids having to look out for themselves on the "hello's and goodbyes" (they might overlook one or two if the kids don't initiate it themselves).
Please give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

Oh, boy, I know what this is about. It sounds like your mom is getting back at you through your son. Your sibling must treat your mom better, in your mom's eyes, than you do, or your nephew must show more affection toward your mom than your son does. This is so clearly your mom being immature and getting to you where you feel it the most. You must've slighted her somehow, or your son must not be as loving to her as your nephew is--again, this is your mom's perception, not the true reality. I would mention it to my mom, and then get ready--cuz she will unload on how you forgot all about getting her a poinsettia at Xmas or something. Good luck. Don't let it get to you--she wants to hurt you. It's called passive agressive.
And it's working for her.

Talk to your mom. Tell her what you see, and that your son is worth love and is valuable. This has to stop or it could be a bigger problem.

This happened to my cousin and me growing up but it was her mom and my grandma comparing us. Now as adults there are so many resentments she won't hardly speak to her mom, we don't speak to each other (trust me we have tried to be friends it just always feels like an invisible score card is there), and my relationship with my grandmother is only there because I have forgiven her buy my cousin never did and still won't speak to her. For a long time I hated my grandma and resented my mom for letting it happen.

Please for the sake of your son stop it now so he can have a friend and a grandma, without walls to tear down when he is older.

N.,
First of all, I'm so glad that you notice it and are willing to do something about it! My grandmother did and still does the same thing to myself, my brother, and a couple cousins. My cousin who is one year younger than me and her brother have always been her favorites. My father (his mother) refuses to see it and my mother felt at a loss of what to do. So, my brother and I tend to stay away from her. If it wasn't for my dad's guilt trips, I probably wouldn't see her much at all. It made me angry as a child because I was never good enough. Everytime I talk to my grandmother she has to tell me something that my cousin or now, her son, has done. She does some of the same with my daughter, but we don't see her often enough to bother with. I would definitely talk to your mother because soon, if not already, your son will notice it too. I resent my grandmother for her favoritism and I also resent my father for ignoring it, no matter what my mother or myself or my brother said. I know he saw it, but in his eyes, his mommy could do no wrong. (I'm sure you can see/feel my resentment in my writing.) So, to help prevent your son from resenting you or your mother, talk to her. If she refuses to change, explain in your own words to your son that no matter how grandma acts, you are always there for him. Don't force him into seeing her if he doesn't want to, maybe that might help your mother get the picture if her grandson doesn't want to see her. Anyway, good luck and again, pat yourself on the back that you notice and are willing to do something about it!!

YOu know as hard as it may be to tell your mom how you feel, it would be the best thing for you let her know your feelings about this. She may not even realize she's doing it.....

In my family it is actually the other way. My mom seems to really favor my kids, and my sisters and brother have said things to me regarding it. One sister starting resenting me and my kids and told me over the phone one day she was sick of hearing about my kids blah blah....... That hurts my feelins because I can't control how our mother is, and it truely bothers me too, because I'm not like that at all......it's her. But everyone seems to be scared to confront her about it......so thru experience really try to talk to your mom.....so things don't exculate (sp?) into something bigger and could actually be fixed fairly easy.

HOpe it gets better .....

Gently say something, if she doesn't get the hint, then repeat it in words she is sure to understand. A similar thing happened with my children, but the oldest was favored over the youngest by my ex-mother out law. The damage that was done to the youngest still haunts until this day. The youngest was overcompensated to make up for the injustices done to her by her GaGa. (this is why I have cold chills every time I hear "ga-ga") This child could never do anything as good as her sister in the eyes of gaga, so she did just the opposite and has become a very immature, mentally trying, 18 year old who acts about 12. This is what can happen if you don't put a stop to it. Don't overindulge your child for the way grandma is treating him, just make sure that grandma knows that terrible resentments can happen over the type of behavior she is displaying, and you can not allow it to happen in your home. Good Luck, and stick to the wellbeing of your son.

Our situation isn't nearly so bad, but my MIL sees my nephew far more than she sees our children, BECAUSE mom and dad are young and still in school and frankly, don't really have their act quite together yet. Because she's had to "mommy" that grandbaby, she views him much more as hers, whereas our children are always cared for by parents in her presence, which creates a different relationship. When I've brought it up, she has gently explained that my BIL/SIL need the help more than we do, and it's not about being "equal" it's about being "fair"--which part of me gets and part of me doesn't. Anyway--what I've found--and maybe this is not workable for you at all, but she treats our sons just fine when we're alone, but when we're with my nephew, my kids take second place--because she knows they have parents that love them and will look out for them, and my nephew does not. So...we look our for our own kids' best interests, subtly remove them from situations where there is blatant favoritism, and try to foster a relationship between then and our nephew. Is it possible your mom sees your kid as "having it all" and is actually covering for her lack on the part of her other grandkids? Of course, I would also broach the subject with her--it's not fair to your kids--and have plenty of concrete, recent examples so she can see how detrimental this is. Also, perhaps, instead of "complaining" make the issue about her relationship with her grandkids--unless she's really spiteful, she'll probably respond better if you say it's about her and her grandkids, and NOT about jealousy or fairness. Good luck!

I think that you mother should be told what she is doing, but maybe it might be better if your nephews parents talked to her. She might be more willing to change if someone else notices and tells her. She might think that you are seeing things that are not really happening. I know when I was younger my grandma treated me different then my cousins and even my aunts noticed but no one said anything. I wish they would have. Good luck.
N. G

N.--I would definitely say something to your mother. It may or may not help but at least you've tried. I had a similar situation with my mom and my niece. It had gotten to the point that I didn't even enjoy being around my mother because of the comments. Finally I said something to her and it has made things much better. On the other hand my mother-in-law was and still is the same way even though we have mentioned it many times. She will try hard to be more even in her actions for awhile but then reverts back to her old ways. But at least we know we have said something. Unfortunately my girls are old enough now that they are catching on for themselves and speaking for themselves. That hurts me more than ever--their pain is much worse than mine!!

Definitely say something to your Mom, otherwise it will keep eating away at you. It may not change the situation, but at least you will have had your say. Hopefully, it will enlighten your Mom though and maybe she doesn't realize she has done this, and will then correct the situation. Good luck!!