Grandparent Favorites - Argh!!

I don't have this problem with my own parents, because they're out of my life. But my in-laws? Oooooh boy.

My FIL is pretty good when it comes to treating the kids equally, though he does tend to favor my son. But when called on it, he's quick to fix it, even facing his fear of technology to play video games with my girls.

My MIL though? She's all about my oldest, while ignoring my other daughter and son. It would make sense if the other kiddos were the step children, but my oldest is the step child in the family, and they faun all over her like she's the second coming of Mary.

She loves starting conversations with, "So how's Eldest, her sister and that baby?" Or, "That boy." Which I've taken to, "Oh hubby's good, he just..." and then I rattle on about hubby's day. "No, I meant that boy." "My brother? Oh he's great! Finally got his eyes fixed and he.." "No! That BOY!" "Rufus? Well, he got fleas again, but we got that taken care of. Poor mutt's getting old though, so we have to be careful."

Until I finally, FINALLY get her to say my son's name.

There's no getting through to the woman. We bring it up, and suddenly everyone hates her, is against her, wants her to die! So, we've given up and just get creative. Fortunately grandpa has a clue and will make up with the kids, and try to fix the disparity.

The rest of the time? Even the kids look at me and say, "Yeah, grandma's nuts."

Not defending your mom at all, she should make time for your son, but I don't advocate the "all or none" mentality. My mom does this with my kids, but we don't see her much so it's not a big deal. When they were younger she favored my son (only grandson), now that they're older she favors my daughter. Again, we don't see her much so it's not really anything I have to address. However, she really does this with my nieces. My oldest niece (14) is her absolute, hands down favorite of all the grandkids. She's good to the others, loves them, spends time with them, but everyone knows V is the apple of her eye. It's ok. V needs it. Her home life isn't great, having a doting gma helps. Home is better for the other two, they have V to take care of them, V has no one.

Life isn't fair. Sometimes people (even family) like one of our kids better than the other, it happens. It's a teaching experience for the kids. At 7 your son is old enough to be told that it's not him, it's gma, and that she just doesn't really know what to 'do' with a little boy. That she loves him very much, but it's easier for her to hang out with K. Then take him to do something special when K goes to see gma. Also set up some family time, with everyone there, and have something special for gma and your son to do together - heck maybe even rope K into helping out, I'm sure she sees the impact on her brother and would be willing to help.

My grandparents had a favorite too. It ended up with the rest of us having very little to do with them when we were old enough to make those choices.

My maternal grandmother says she is hurt that we have a closer relationship with my step grandmother than her. Well, here's the deal chicky poo. You wanted very little to do with us when we were kids. You were always too involved in your own life to bother with ours. Now, you act the same way around our children. When was the last time you called me? Oh that's right, you never have.

I would warn your mom, she is ruining her future relationship with her grandchildren.

My MIL is similar to yours and luckily my oldest who is 8 sees right through what she does. I'm thankful that for now she's smart enough to keep her mouth shut about it most of the time but at the same time will call MIL on her behavior as well. I cannot stand the favoritism and the "mama mode" my MIL gets in but I've realized 2 things 1) I will never EVER measure up or be a good enough mother or DIL and 2) You cannot change how anyone thinks, works, or deals with your children or yourself; only you can choose how to act, the same goes for your children.

We limit our contact with my MIL and yes after she's been around my children for an extended period(longer than a few hours even)I have to work hard for days after to make certain they know what's right, wrong, and so on in regards to behavior and how we treat others. I suggest working things out with your husband so that you two are a team and recognize that perhaps it is best to limit your interactions with toxic people.

Hi, Mom:

I would suggest that you use I Messaging:

Be clear and non-threatening while being assertive and
respectful.

I feel______________(State how you feel)

Identify the problem______________(Identify the problem)

Because_____________________(Say why you feel this way)

And I need___________________(Propose how to resolve it)

Make your needs clear and then enter into problem solving.

Hope this helps.
Good luck.
D.

My Grandma had favorites too....unfortunately it resulted in a very non-existent relationship with her in my adult life. She is still alive, however, I rarely see her. Neither do my siblings. What's funny is my moms grandma favored her cousins, so my mom knows what it felt like.

However, she is doing something similar. She has helped watch my kids. So she tends to favor mine over my sisters. I am at a loss on what to say to her as she does not see this.

And then on my husbands side, they favor my husbands youngest brothers kids. They still do things with mine and my husbands oldest brothers kids. But its quite obvious who they favor. They talk about the one set all the time.

But, I think if and when my kids catch on....they will just have to deal with it. I dealt with it as a child and I turned out alright. I am going to try very hard not continue this legacy with my grand kids, when the day comes. For example, my dad has admitted that my eldest daughter has some type of bond with him over all his grand kids. However, he does not show this. All his grand kids ADORE him. So while I think a bond can be made with one in particular over the others, an adult should be able to give attention to all.

I don't have this situation but can you just make her take turns? ie: next time she wants to do something with your oldest, just say "no, it's 7 year's old's turn." And that's that.

I've always stood by if you can't do for all, then you do for none. If you can't spend time with all, then you can spend time with none.

My MIL was trying to pull this with my son and daughter. She would give me something for my daughter and not my son, I would give it right back. She would ask for my daughter, and I would say, 'You're taking T, too?"

Finally, she got the hint. Sometimes you need to groom family members when it comes to your kids. Don't let them treat them however they choose. Favoritism usually doesn't bode well between siblings.

You are not alone. My kids go through something similar. It may be as simple as she gets along with your oldest because she's a girl and your mom isn't sure how to entertain a 7y boy.

Maybe you can enlist your oldest to help your youngest, without making the oldest feel guilty for the time and attention she receives. A trick slope I know. Perhaps the next time your mom wants to take K, maybe K can said I would love to, but B has been asking to hang out with you, so I'll let him go this time.

If Grandma hears it from your oldest, it will sink in a bit more. If Grandma is gung ho about hanging out with K, but then K steps aside for B, Grandma can't change her mind and have an excuse, because then K will know that something is wrong.

I'm an only child, so my 2 kids are my moms only grandkids. She has always favored my dtr over my son. Finally I just told her straight out to knock it off or she wouldn't be seeing either of them for a very long time. I now have a step dtr also and I can honestly say she treats them all about equally, maybe because they are older now. I didn't have a big talk with her, just basically called her out on it so it must have hit home. *I* know that my dtr is still her "favorite" but it isn't as obvious to everyone anymore like it used to be. Maybe you can just stop the one-on-ones with her and only have her around all the kids for awhile until she gets it. Good luck!

My mom does that with mine because my oldest was so layed back and we lived with her and my dad for the first 2 1/2 years of his life so they helped me raise him so that doesn't help. My youngest is high strung and stubern so he drives her crazy. My mom is a little on the crazy side and they are starting to see it and she tires to be the parent a lot of times and not the grand parent. We have finally tought them that is just how she is and there are just somethings you don't tell her to keep the peace and if they do it is better for them in the long run. For instance she does not believe in Harry Potter she thinks it evil because it has magic in it but Lord of the Rings is ok even though it has it in it too just because it's written by a christian author. My husband loves Harry Potter and has owned all the movies ast hey come out. Well finally they realized if they could watch them if they didn't say anything and my oldest 13 finally got to read the books. She would have gone nuts if she found out. So we just doing tell her. I try to pick my battles.

Good luck and God Bless!!!

My ex MIL did that sort of thing . . . there's not much you can do about it unfortunately.

I really hope when I'm a grandma I go out of my way to treat each and every grandchild like the amazing miracle that he or she is.

Some kids are easier to connect with than others but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I really don't "get" why it's acceptable to play favorites with g-kids.

My MIL does this, but she favours a whole family of children over others. She has my BIL's children every weekend, plans and takes them on vacations every year,, gives them extravagant gifts etc. It does make me a bit sad for my little ones, but I'm hoping they don't notice it too much. I really, really hope my children don't take after their father's side of the family!

Oh brother do I understand. My IL were crazy over my BIL's oldest daughter. She looked like their family, first grandchild and first girl! Our daughter was their third granddaughter and our son was the first grandson. Well, when the favorite got preggers at 17 and had her son, they became obsessed with him. So much so, they forgot out their grandson! I was having a conversation with my FIL and he said that K would get the silver because he was a B. I said, "no, he is not a B, he is an E. My son, is a B and should get the silver". My FIL was like "who"? I said, YOUR GRANDSON!!! My husband was pissed! This has been going on for years! My son has made comments as has my daughter. They know they are low men on the pole. My BIL and SIL know as well. We talk about it all the time. Pisses them off as well. My BIL had told his father that he is interfering with him being the parent, FIL says too bad! You would think ILs are the parents. Its bad. My husband sent an e-mail before Christmas really putting it out there. MIL got very upset and made some comments but ya know, truth hurts. I have lost a lot of respect for them the last couple of years because of this. More so, I am so very disappointed with them.

My parents have been terrific. My daughter was the favorite because she was the first grandbaby for them. My parents say she taught them how to be grandparents. My parents struggled with my son because he had a lot of engergy and was a handful and my dad is of the "kids should be seen not heard". That was rocky for several years but it has straigthened out. My Dad has worked really h*** o* that relationship and I am so thankful for that.

To answer your question, you need to have a sit down with your mom. Not accuse but discuss. Let her know that she is hurting your son and that's not cool. I will NEVER do this to my grandkids. I see what it does to the kids and how hurt they are. I won't do that.

i dunno, hon. it's certainly hard to watch, and we all want everyone to love our babies equally and just as much as we do, but the fact is that non-parents have favorites sometimes. even grandparents. i do see your POV and sympathize, but i don't think you're doing anyone any favors by micromanaging the relationships. it's absolutely appropriate to step in if your mom is freaking out on a little, but not so much to tell her how much time and how she should spend it with each.
kids generally accept whatever goes on in their individual families as 'normal.' looking back now i can see how one grandmother had a real h*** o* for my next-younger brother (who was a royal PITA, i totally get it), to the point that it destroyed what little affection she and my mom had for each other. but we had no idea when we were kids. we all assumed we were completely adored, and despite differences in parenting, parental head-butting and clear favoritism at times, we were.
if your kids are really noticing it, it's far more likely that they're picking up on your attitude than anything your mother is doing.
ditto your MIL. your way of handling her is awesome, but your kids really shouldn't notice anything. that's just their grandma.
my in-laws were awesome with my boys, completely loving and wide open and no boundaries, the only stipulations being whatever we said they were. my parents were much pricklier (probably still reveling in the freedom of unloading their 6 kids at long last) and had tons of rules for where the boys could go and what they could do at their house. it WAS hard and i spent a lot of time eye-rolling and heaving. but the boys adore them, and they adore my boys, and when i gently probe my kids now to see if they felt any sort of friction when they stayed with my parents, their memories are all good. okay, almost. i DID have to have a tense conversation about 'no spanking' after one incident. but that was my fault. my parents were occasional spankers and i hadn't made my own rules clear to them.
in your situation i'd be very clear and inflexible about the Big Rules (no freaking out on toddlers and give tools for her to use to cope) but back off on the details. i think it would be fine to discuss with her how ALL your kids want one-on-one with her, but i'd do it in a calm moment (not the heat of your annoyance) and not as thou-shalt. i'll bet if brought up to her the right way, eg 'you're about the best grandma they could ever hope to have. can you blame them for wanting some private snuggle time with you?' she'll be on board.
khairete
S.