Mother-in-Law Who Plays Favorites

I am in the same boat. My husband has a daughter through a previous relationship. My MIL has 3 boys and wanted a girl. My husbands daughter is her only grand-girl and she bluntly favors her. We have a son together and it makes me so angry everytime she calls she never asks about him it is always his sister. She never wants to have him over, only his sister. Then she gets mad at me when my step daughter would rather stay with me then her. I don't know what to do either. My husband has yelled at her about it before because he gets mad about it too. Now she is trying to talk to my stepdaughters mother all the time which makes us very uncomfortable because she is 5 and they have never talked before. She doesn't take no for an answer when we tell her not to. She just does whatever she want. I don't know what to do either.

My mother is the same way. (It started with her kids and now it's our kids) My sister has three boys and my mom favors the oldest and youngest. I have two sons and she favors the oldest. We have told her and we stay on top of it each time. If she gives one of them more money we split it up ourselves. But the fact is that you can't change people. This is your chance to teach your girls a very important lesson. Some people just aren't fair and sometimes life isn't. Instead of focusing on something that is negative you have to turn your attention to the positives in life.

Remember the quote:
God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change.
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

If it has been made clear that she is showing preference then leave it alone. She doesn't live close enough for it to matter. Invite her to things and drop it.

Do you have parents? If so I would cling to them. Or if you go to church I bet there's an older person in your church who would love to be an adopted grandma. Or maybe a neighbor(just ask) Most older people's grandchildren forget about them when their teens.

Show your children that their happiness does not depend on another person.

God Bless ya,
L. B

My mom always felt this way about both of our sets of Grandparents. I didn't feel it as a child, maybe mom didn't let me see it bother her. Now that I'm older I feel that both sets saw that my parents had what it takes to be good parents and didn't need any help where their other kids needed all the help they could get!
I was very close to my father's mother later in life and could see that she still saw that some of the other grandkids needed her support more than I did. She treated me more as a friend and the others were treated like kids (of course my dad was 15 years older than his siblings).
I have grandkids now and find that my oldest daughter needs my help more than my youngest daughter. She's a single mother of 4 now who can't seem to get her personal life in order. Her kids usually get the basics in life, but for them to have any extras we have to provide them. Yes we've even took the kids on vacation with us (without mom). They would never have gone anywhere if we weren't doing this.
Tell yourself that she does this because your kids get everything they need from you and your husband. Be glad that she doesn't try to run your lives. Your kids will treat her as a pleasant person they know and will probably never have a strong bond with her.
My MIL runs her other kids lives, telling her daughter how she needs to treat her kids. Those kids are so insecure, her daughter has been married several times, I'm sure because Mom can't keep her nose out of her business. I'm glad we live far enough away that she can't have much contact with us, when we do visit I have to keep telling myself that we'll be going home soon and I'll have my husband back (he's totally uptight when we visit and I get the brunt of it). My kids see that these kids get more from her, but they also see her and don't mind the trade off, they are more proud of the things they earn themselves than the things we hand them, so count your blessings, I'm sure they outweigh anything you could get with her in your life!

Another thing I need to say is don't force it!! I can't stress this enough! My granddaughter went to visit her dad for the first time last summer, she came home very quiet and has told us through the year how she was not treated as well as her half siblings that were there with her. She is close with these kids they live in town, but her dad has just entered her life. Now we are dealing with some issues related to this visit, she is seeing a councilor to work out her trust issues. We now don't mind that the others go on cruises and Disney World, her emotional well being is much more important to us. Count your blessings!!

There are so very many reasons why people behave the way they do, and often we don't understand how things look to others. It is often the case that a first child, first grandchild, first niece or nephew, will inspire the parent/grandparent/aunt or uncle in us to come alive and we fall head-over-heels into that identity. When this happens, the person can so identify with that relationship that it gives new meaning to their own life and they get really absorbed in it and lavish much energy into it. Then when others come along, they are already 'too busy' with the first one.

When this happens, you can be relatively certain that this grandparent has become personally dependent on that relationship. It isn't about the children. It is about her.
Showing those pictures of the cruise is just another way of showing you 'who she is'. Folks that behave this way don't even see how it might appear to others.

My mother was similar in many ways. I was certainly not her favorite child and my son, even though she lived with us so we could support and care for her, was not her favored grandchild. She cared for my brother's children as if they belonged to her and only changed my son's diapers if I was in hospital. When we were younger, this all seemed so painful and insulting. But I came to understand how very insecure she was and how frightening life is for folks like that.

The best thing that I can tell you is that, over the years, I have come to realize how greatful I am to have not been the focus of her attentions. It was not healthy attention and did not have beneficial results for my brother or his children in the long run. I have learned to be grateful for what I have, and even more grateful for what I don't have!!

Another great wisdom that grew out of my experiences is this: The river doesn't tend to flow upstream without some extreme effort. And, if you make the extreme effort, it just tends to all wash back over you with a vengence. In the same way, it was our parents' responsibility to educate and correct us, and our responsibility to educate and correct our children. Some of the most painful and disappointing experineces I've ever had was when I tried to correct or educate my parents. It never worked, and I tried to do with with great respect and genuine love. I've warned my son about this and told him that I will always try to learn if he has something to teach me, but that if it doesn't work he shouldn't feel bad because parents are just the worst learners in the world.

The thing you or your husband might want to do is to thank her for sharing the pictures, but to then add something like: "You know how children are when you set up an expectation. Now that you have shown these pictures to the girls and shown them that this is what you do as a grandmother, at some point they will likely ask you about when you are going to take them on such an adventure. What would you like us to tell them if they start asking us questions about that? We wouldn't want to make things awkward for you."

The one thing I have learned about speaking with my elders is that criticism, even in attitude, is unwelcomed and harmful. But, respectfully laying the problem at their feet and asking for their advice can be quite effective. It is the most honest and respectful method I found. If she responds poorly to that, you will still feel great about your own choices.

Encourage genuine relationships for your children. Be glad that they will not be ensnared in a relationship with someone who is not sensitive to the needs of children. Such relationships can cause so many other problems for them. My son adopted an uncle who was something like a godfather to him and my mother-in-law was a wonderful grandmother to him. He still has a great relationship with his adopted uncle and his life is much, much the richer for that bond.

Your daughters have two loving and caring parents. So many children do not have that. Celebrate as much of this life as you can. Your children need your happiness more than they need you to 'fix' what is broken in Grandma.

So is your "sister-in-law" the mother-in-laws daughter? If so then that is probably why. The mother-in-law has that mother duaghter relationship which is different and therefore she is probably more comfortable being with the daughter and her other granddaughter. Where with a son she has to deal with the "daughter-in-law" who of course can't do things as good as she can to take care of her son and granddaughters. You will probably have to keep guilting grandma into coming and will probably have to keep biting your toungue while she is there. Maybe try to give her some alone time with the kids without you being there like an outing with Grandma to help forge a bond and take lots of pictures of them together. Then send a picture of them together to her every once and awhile and put a note in about how much they miss their grandma. (Nothing like a little guilt)

Good luck!
M.

You know, your MIL is not the only problem here. How about that sister-in-law??? She also is part of the problem by accepting these discrepancies as the norm. Why are her children entitled?? Why doesn't she stand up for your family's rights?? So then the question would be: what's going on in your husband's family to begin & then perpetuate this behavior??? What's in their history to create this?

That said, where's your own family?? & Why not just focus on the GOOD, & never mention the BAD? If you never,ever draw your children's attention to this, they will continue to be happy...& you can take pride in knowing that YOU created this happiness. If you continue to focus on the negative, then your children will also. Is this what you want for them? You said they were happy with the $10 bag of gifts....let them BE HAPPY. Complain to your husband, your best friend, to this forum......but let your children be happy.

Hi S.,
I am a MIL...I have 22 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild.
One of my DIL ask me how I can treat so many grandchildren the same. well, all the grandchildren treat me the same. For
my birthday I get a card (hand-made) from each child, or a call. I might add the cards are beautifully done too. I am called each time I give a child a gift.(Thank you grandma) Sometimes I am called out of the blue by a grandchild just to chat. If this grandma won't take steps to see or talk to your children, let your children take the steps. Let them show real interest in grandma. Don't wait until after she is gone and realize some things could have been different. Life is too short and family is so important. Memories are made
by family members. Some are not so good but can and should be changed before it is too late, if you just take the right steps. Your attitude will rub off on your girls. Your husband is right in the middle and feels much stress about this, I'm sure. You, as the DIL can make a difference. Try
the "Love and call Grandma" idea for a month and see what happens. Have 'you' tried to call her , just to chat. If it don't work, at least you made the effort.
I'll say a prayer for you, cj

Hi S.,
I am so sorry hat you and your girls have to deal with this although I know tha it to must be hard for your husband as my family deals with this situation also. There is nothing you can do about it, my paternal grandmother does the same thing to this day. She played favorites with us grandkids and now does the same with her great-grandkids. My siblings and I just learned on our own that she did this, my parents never said a negative thing about her and we were always mede to be grateful no matter how cheesey our stuff was,so it wasn't to big a deal with us. Now my mil does this with my two girls and they are her only grandkids, that side of the family favors my oldest and ignores my youngest two and it makes me so MAD! But they won't change. I try to not make a big deal of things just as my parents did with us so that hopefully they won't think that its a big deal either. I know that this is probably not what you want to hear but it will only be as big a deal as you and your hubby make it, now that I'm older I know how hurtful for my parents this is not to mention I to get to deal with it but until we were older we never knew, we were always taught to be happy with what we got and not disappointed with what we didn't have and I hope to do the same with my three girls.

Okay S., the first thing that popped into my head was why would you even want a person like this around your girls????? But I know, she is their Grandma. My best friend is 42 and does not speak to her fraternal grandparents for the exact reasons that you explained. They played favorites with the cousins for her whole life. It is so hard when it comes to family, but this woman clearly does not deserve to be around your family, as sad as that is. You are right this will hurt your girls when they get older. Personally I would cut ties with her, she wouldn't be invited anymore. But I can see that you are really hurt by this and want to fix it. Sit her down, maybe even with your husband, make it a family conference, and tell her just what you've told us here. And don't let her guilt you into feeling like you made this up. Sometimes people like that don't even see their own bad behavior. Tell her that the girls love her but her behavior is going to hurt them later on, and surely she wouldn't want to hurt them. If that doesn't get results you may just have to realize that we can't always fix the world, even though we want to. And then go on and love those beautiful little girls enough for you and her. She is the one missing out.

We have the opposite problem in our family where the in-laws are trying to communicate with their son and his family and they won't let them. They have four grandchildren they haven't seen in years and it's not from the lack of trying. Very sad situation.
Have your husband speak to his mom. It needs to come from him not you. Have him take her out to dinner or why don't ya'll schedule a time to go visit her this summer. Then your husband can talk to her while you and your daughter's sight see. It needs to be a face to face interaction not over the phone or by email (if she even has it). Start praying for her to have a change in heart and see that she has two other precious granddaughters that she is missing out on.
And don't think that your girls don't know what is going on. They do, they may not express it right now, but I guarantee, your 6 year old was probably thinking why didn't grandma take us to Disney World. Good Luck and God Bless.

You can't change anybody. This is MIL's loss of two grandchildren. It can hurt the star grandchild also. In my family everyone shunned that star child, not to his face of course, but as he got older and saw for himself what was happening, he had a very hard time with it. This is not your problem to solve. You and your husband just love your children and live your lives. At some point MIL will find out all she missed. In my family it has been as all the cousins choose their in laws for Christmas and don't come to visit Grandma because they have no warm feelings about being there.

I think I have come to understand that you cannot change the world your kids are exposed to, but you can help them to cope with it in a healthy way. You might be able to get your MIL to change her behavior, but most likely you won't. It sounds like there is friction between the two of you, and perhaps that is why she feels closer to the other family. If that's the case, you may be able to make things better, but you may never be as close to her as you would like. Perhaps you don't even want to be that close to her?

What you can do is talk to your kids (when and if it comes up) about how they feel, and what to do when they feel that way. Don't blame them, or the grandma, just say it like it is. I rarely saw my grandparents growing up. Sometimes I took it personally. Maybe if my parents didn't take it personally, I wouldn't have either.

Just my two cents. Hope it makes sense. Take it or leave it!

It looks like you and I are not alone. My problem is that my MIL lives in the same town. I have a son from my ex (he considers my husband his "Dad"), my son calls my MIL Grandma. My problem is that she plays favorites with her "legitimate" grandchildren. Now that my husband and I just had a baby I'm affraid she'll make my oldest feel even more left out. At Christmas she bought more for her two legitimate grandkids than she did her step. All three of her step grandkids (my son and two cousins) call her grandma and treat her like their grandma. My son noticed all the presents for the two legit kids, and saw that he and the other two steps got next to nothing. To make it worse when they open presents everyone has to take a turn, so you see what everyone got.
I do love my MIL but I won't let her treat my boys differently. I've talked to my husband about it and he agrees. He's going to talk to her about it. We'll find out if she treats them differently. If she does then I'll be talking to her with my husband.
I think you and your husband have done everyhting right. Although when she brought out those cruise pics I would've asked her infront of your girls when she was taking them. If she got mad I would've told her that what she did was rude to flaunt a trip with their cousin in front of them.
You can only invite her. She has to accept the invitation. If she doesn't accept then it is her loss. But don't stop the invites. As your children get older have them be ones to call and invite her. That way she has to tell them why she can't make it. After a few times they won't want to invite her anymore and it will be her fault. As far as her treating them equally, I really don't think that will happen. If she hasn't by now she won't ever. As much as we want to shield our children from people like that, especially if they are family, they'll notice it on their own. Then we just explain to them that what they see is not the right way to treat people, especially family.

This all sounds too familar to me. I have one daughter and my husbands mom actually whole family favors both of his sisters kids. It gets really bad. We even talked to his mom about it and she said that a grandchild from a daughter is different than a grandchild of a son. I think that is total BS because it doesn't have to be. From my experience, it is not going to get better. If she knows about it and does nothing than there is really nothing you can do. You can't force her to love your children more. I am pregnant with twins and my in-laws could care less. I guess you should TRY to appreciate the things that your daughters get and the attention they get and go out of your way to love them more. My parents are great with my daughter and have 8 grandkids and treat them all the same. Not all grandparents can be like that. They can pick favorites just like anyone can.

There are a lot of ways to look at this, but ultimately, you are not responsible for the relationship your girls have with their grandma. You can have a talk with her sometime when this is not an issue. You AND your husband can lay out on the table that her ACTIONS seem to favor the other granddaughter. Let her know that you will continue to keep her in the loop but it is up to her to decide what kind of relationship she is going to have with your two girls. Your girls will notice the difference. Encourage them to keep loving their grandma, encourage them to keep in touch. They'll learn that that is just how grandma is. Just because she doesn't give them things and visit much, doesn't mean she doesn't love them.

At some point they may say something about it to her. If they are rude about it, you need to make sure you address the rudeness. They have a right to their feelings, but they don't have a right to be rude.

We have the same problem, unfortunetley it probably won't get better. My girls are 9 and 7 and my MIL is still just as unfair as always even though we have talked to her about it. One year for Christmas she bought my nephew a race car bed, the same Christmas my girls had asked for bunkbeds and we couldn't afford them at that time, she bought my girls clothes off the clearance rack (she left the tags on). Every summer she takes my nephew on vacation, she has taken him to Texas, Disney Land, Chicago and Washington DC just to name a few, she has never taken my girls anywhere. You are right about the kids eventally noticing the difference in treatment our 9 year old refuses to call her by grandma instead calls her by her first name. Our solution has been to try and build their bond to be very strong with their other set of grandparents which seems to have worked. Good Luck.

Hi S.,

Boy do I hear you!! Please keep me posted on what others recommend. My MIL lives in the same town and can't seem to spend time with my 2 boys. We see hear at Christmas, Thanksgiving, and maybe 2 or 3 times during the year after that. I don't know what to do anymore either.

Sad...very sad situation. Sending hugs to you.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

I so much agree with most of the responses you've gotten so far.
The most important thing to you is your kids, and someone's not treating them as they should.
My grandmother for the longest time treated her two oldest grandchildren like gold (my big sis & boy cousin). Oddly, when I was older, (teen-adult) she realized she and I had more in common. No, I didn't become the favorite, but, eventually myself, my little bro & my younger cousin found our places.
That said, such is not always the case. Always make sure your kids feel good talking to you about anything, and if it starts to bother them, they know you're there. They may also eventually call her out. If so, let it take it's course. Be ready to help your kids with this later. ("You know dears, I think Grandma's just not quite right in the head.")
How are your parents with the kids? If they, or other adults in the family, are more attentive toward the kids, let it show! When MIL does show up, make sure multiple photos on walls & tables with kids enjoying special events with these other adults. (Heck, I'd even include them in the annual holiday photo packet) Okay, it's vindictive & caddy, but may be plenty enough of a hint and may even make you feel good!
Hang in there. The most important thing is that your kids know they are loved by you and your husband, and that they are totally wonderful.

It does sound like you have your hands full. I have a VERY difficult MIL too. All I can say is set your boundries. You AND YOUR HUSBAND need to be on a united front with her. If you can't sit face to face you both need to get on the phone and have HIM say what needs to be said but you chime in and let her know that it is great that she does things for the niece but that if she can't do it for your girls too it does not need to be flaunted. I would just be very calm and respectful but at the same time firm and strong about your feelings. She needs to know that if she continues this when they are older there will definitely be hard feelings and her grandaughters may not want to have anything to do with her at some point. I hope this helps. Let me know how it turns out. I will keep you in my prayers. E.

S., this might not be the advive you wanted, but I feel the need to respond. I am probably like the sister n law. I have now two boys, live close to my mom, and reap the benifit of having "grammy" so cloce. My brother and sister n law live hours away with their 4. I am certain they feel as you do, however i being the one close, know the reaction of my mom better than they. I am going to assume your mother is like mine, so when i speak i will refer to her. She loves driving alone to see the other grandchildren, but gets hurt by the comments made about mine. she hates leaving them and cries the whole way home due to feeling guilty, brought on by her son. yet they never come this way. Due to the jealousy they have, i think. They are the ones that have God in thier life and are given many thing that they own, while my brother works constantly. yet have also been hateful to me, my parenting, and my oldest child. none of us are perfect parnets nor do we have perfect children, as long as your mother n law calls you and your family and does what she can than be happy. you said it yourself that you do not want to go on vacation with her than dont hold it against her for going on vacation with your sister n law. Had you and your family made an interest in going on a cruise together than i am sure that she would have taken you all as well. it would have been selfish on your part for her to just give you the money for a vacation, instead of allowing her the time with her grandkids. maybe she showing the pictures was her way of showing your kids what fun they could have had. Life is to short to be jealous and hold grudges, but we never see that until something horrible happens. i am sorry that you feel this way about your mother n law and hope that you can work it out, because your children do see how you respond to her evan if you dont think so and eventually they too will feel that way towards her and that would be sad.

So sorry about your situation. First of all, you are not the one who needs to talk to Grandma, your husband needs to. You need to talk with your husband and tell him how you feel and what your complaints are and let him talk to his mother. Or you can both talk to her together, but make sure he does most of the talking. This situation cannot be resolved until he steps in and tells his mother how you and he feel about her apparent favoring of your niece. As the DIL, she likely won't listen to you or will just write off whatever you have to say as being 'crazy.' My guess is there is some other unresolved situation in the past that has manifested itself in your MIL favoring the niece. Until that issue is dealt with, the situation likely will not change. Make sure your husband and you attempt to develop some sort of relationship with grandma outside of your girls. Try calling or writing her often just to say 'hi' and not asking for anything, but make sure she knows she is always welcome. I know you don't want to spend your vacation with her, but a trip to see grandma might go a long way to bridge this gap.

Bottom line, your girls are the most important issue here. Make sure that you and your husband show them that they are loved and cared for and they will be fine. You cannot control other people's actions. Good Luck!

Oh S., I feel your pain! My MIL also plays favorites with her daughter's kids and their children (her great grandchildren, who are my kids' ages). It makes me and my other sister-in-law crazy! My kids are younger (3 and 1), my SIL are older (16, 15, 13) and she has been dealing with our MIL a lot longer than I have. She gets really angry at her too. MIL didn't see my 15 year old niece when she was born for about 2 months, and she only lived 5 miles away! But she was at the hospital when her daughter's kids were born, and when the great gradnchildren were born . . .

I really don't have much advice because my husband and I don't know what to do either. Saying something just makes it worse, because she is a master at turning things around on you and she is never wrong! We also joke that she is Marie from Raymond! She says things like "I'm the grandma you never see" or "you kids probably don't remember me". She is very jealous because my kids see my mom more than they see her, but we live equal distance from both. My parents just make the effort to call and come see my kids, she doesn't. If my husband wouldn't call HER, we would go weeks without hearing from her. She says she doesn't want to call because it's long distance, but we keep telling her our cell phones aren't long distance, just call on our cell. But, she doesn't. And she never invites us to anything, but then tries to guilt us because we weren't there. We invite her to everything and ask them to come for BBQ, etc. but she says it's too far to drive (about 40 miles), but she'll go to the Riverboat once a month, which is about 35 miles from her house. Go figure.
Anyway, I would say just talk to her, but I know that wouldn't work for us, so I don't know what to tell you. All I do is pray that she sees the error of her ways before it is too late and the kids recognize what she does. I will make sure that my kids understand that they are very loved no matter what grandma does or doesn't do with/for them. That is all I can really do. She is never going to change. That's just the bottom line. If you and your husband think that things would change if you told her how you feel, then give it a shot. And let me know how it turns out!
Good luck!

not sure how to help good luck

I am baffled by this! Obviously, the problem rests with your MIL and not with you or your children. Your husband is obviously aware of the problem if he is the one shaming her into visiting - and that's a good thing. He needs to talk to his mother, not you. He needs to tell her that HE feels like his she isn't giving his girls the same level of her time and affection as the first granddaughter. He should tell her that he hopes his girls are always close to her because grandparenting is important and when they get older, they will notice that they are not being grandmothered the same as their cousins. That will make her granddaughters feel like grandma doesn't love them as much. If she doesn't accept that she is playing favorites, then your husband should flat out say fine, but please don't show my girls photos of your Disney trip with your other granddaughter if you have no intention of taking my girls on a trip. How can anyone argue with that?

Hi S.,

There is a reason they had a character like Marie on that show ..... it's because there are so many of them in real life ! And the reason we laugh is because we can all relate. We all know someone just like her !

My own Mom, as much as I loved her, was the same way. She had a favorite child, and when that child had a daughter, that became her favorite grandchild. She had been pretty fair to all the grandchildren until that child was born, so it made it confusing for the older grandkids who now wondered what happened ? We even heard rumors that she had, on at least one occasion, introduced her to someone as her ONLY grandchild ! (She had well over 20 grandchildren at the time.) And now that Grandma is gone, and the little girl is grown, the girl is telling everyone that Grandma and Grandpa called her their 8th child (they had 7 of us). She fully believes she will be treated the same as the children when my father's estate is divided. (She is not even mentioned in the will. None of the grandkids are.) She sees herself as our sibling, not one of the many grandchildren.

Your mother-in-law DOES love your children, and is proud of them, too. She just seems to have an extra measure of all that for the granddaughter.
Unfortunately, you can't do anything to change a person like this. I don't understand how they think, but they are never going to change. All you can do is help your kids so they don't let it affect them.

Don't voice your feelings about it within earshot of the children. If they don't hear anything bad said, it will not even occur to them for a surprisingly long time that there is anything at all wrong with the way things are.

In fact, when they begin to realize that cousin went on a fun trip with Grandma, and they didn't, they will one day begin to ask Grandma to take them too. Let HER answer them. She may surprise you and give them what they ask for. If not, then let HER sit on the hot seat and answer their questions. SHE created the situation, after all, by bragging to them.

Kids are much more forgiving and tolerant than we, as parents are. They may eventually realize that things are a little unbalanced, but a well adjusted kid will just be happy for the cousin with the lion's share of attention, and still be thrilled with any attention they get from Grandma at all. They will pick up their cue on how to feel about it from YOU. If you want them to feel slighted, continue to feel that way yourself, and make sure they know you feel that way. If you want them to be happy and not be bothered by it, then take a lesson from the kids. See how happy they are to just have whatever Grandma is willing to give them in time and attention. Learn to be as accepting and gracious as they are, and understand that this is just the way Grandma is, and we are going to run into all sorts of different people and situations in our lives. Many times life is not fair. We can't force it to be fair, and this is just good practice for the kids to learn that sometimes you get the short end of the stick in life, and sometimes you don't.

They love Grandma, and they know she loves them. That's all they care about.

My own kids are all in their 20's now, (one is nearly 30) and grandma has been gone just a little over 2 years. They are well aware Grandma gave extra attention to their cousin, but it doesn't bother them. They just figure she had her reasons. They have happy memories of Grandma too, and probably cherish their memories more than the other grandchild. My children all showed up in Mom's final days to say goodbye to her, comfort her, and mourn her loss. The "spoiled" child ? She was no where to be found until the funeral. Couldn't be bothered. She waltzed into the funeral with a "date" on her arm that no one approved of, and left quickly when she realized things were not "all about her".

If you let your kids take the lead and if you can see that they are not bothered by this, if you can answer all questions that come up in an honest, but kind and compassionate way, and if when you don't know the answer to a question you are honest with them and say "Sweetheart, I just don't know the answer to that", I think your kids will be just fine.

Don't focus on changing Grandma, it's a losing battle and you are setting yourself up for misery. Just focus on teaching your children and yourself to have compassion, tolerance, and an understanding that life won't always turn out the way we think it should, but that can have benefits of it's own.

I understand your feelings, and I wish you well.

oh my can you imagine what life would be like if you had to deal with this woman more often
id say you got the good end of the deal
live your life
telling you from experience,, it will more than likely always be that way
dont let her get to you
thats what she wants
ignore her,,dont let it trouble you
in the end it is your mother in law who will lose
i hope this makes some sense

1 more thing family is not always blood
there may be grmas in your own area,,who could be even more loving to your little ones,, than their biological

I had the same mother-n-law, only she favored my stepson over my daughter, they are 13 yrs apart.
As my daughter was little she never noticed either.
She would take my stepson on many vacations, to the mall,the show and even buy him soda and twinkies to hide in his room from her.
My daughter is 9 now and notices that grandma doesn't do the same thing with her as she did her brother.
These are her only two grand children.
I have sat back and have come to the realization that she did all this stuff with my stepson because she can control my now ex-husband and his ex.
She does not control me or my daughter, and I give her everything she could possibly need.
She has no use for anything she cannot control.
Long story short, I let my daughter tell her grandma her feelings, and it has changed her behavoir.
I helped my daughter come up with what to say to her...."I love you Grandma and it hurts my feelings that...blah..blah..blah"
Have your children ask grandma to come up to see them for whatever, and even have your girls go down to see her.
And whatever feelings they have later on, they should express them to her.
Your feelings and mine would only sound bad to a mother-n-law like this, out of mouths of babes should work.
good luck

There must be reasons why this is happening... I'm going to take a stab in the dark that the other kids are from a daughter and not her son? If not, did she play favorites between her kids growing up? Also, there may have been tensions a long the way between her and your husband. Did he move out early or get into drugs or something that made her distant when he was a teen? She may have been closer to the other child/family from the start.

Did the oldest granddaughter come at a time when grandma was able to be with her from the start? I can imagine that being around her as a baby would help her to feel closer. Also, did the oldest grandaughter have an illness or something that caused grandma to worry a lot?

Is it true that you are mean to her? You just said you wouldn't want to spend vacations with her. Even if it's not what you say, it may be what you do, body language etc.

I can feel your frustration. And it may be that they simply don't have the money to go places equally and that spending vacations with the other family has been easy for them to do.

I can't imagine that she wants to hurt your daughters. But you should be honest with how you feel, directly to her, not just to your husband and to us. BUT....AND I'll say it again BUT... If you are honest with her you need to be ready for her to be honest back. She may have some things to say that you don't want to hear.

Suzi

This is not acceptable behavior. There will always be issues that arise between you, but you and your husband need to make her realize that she is welcome to be around but she is required to show the same love to your children as she does to her other grandchild. The material things are not the issue, I realize they are a slap in the face, but she did take the time to get them something. She did come to see them. Yes, she should want to come and see them every chance that she gets, but I don't think you should focus on what she gives everyone, but how much love does she show them. If she really loves them, if you talk to her and tell her how all this makes everyone feel, she should realize what she needs to change. My MIL has never made even 1 of the grandkids feel less loved, she even gives my 2 cousins that we are raising feel very welcome and loved to. She even show up for their birthdays. I wish you all the best, and I hope she changes her ways for the sake of your girls.

I agree that this is a problem for you to discuss with your husband and then let him handle the MIL. I understand that family is important and that you want your girls to get to know their grandmother, but honestly, if she isn't willing to put forth the effort when you give her every opportunity, then it is her lose and nothing for you to stress over. I do agree that the whole Disney thing was way over the top and completely rude. Maybe if something like that happens again, you could drop a hint that maybe when your girls are older grandma could do the same thing with them. That way she gets the hint that you don't think it is fair but you are not promising the girls something that might not ever happen.

S.,

I have married and divorced 3 times. The first (MIL) & the second (MIL) played favorites.It just showed me the type of mother I refuse to be or turn into. My birth mother and my step-mother favor certain grandkids. Personally it bothers me the way my girls get treated. However, I do not let it show to my family or to my girls. I do talk about it to the gentleman I am currently seeing. He does not like the way my step-mom favors her biological grnadkids over her 3 step-grandkids. What she does is she will favor my step-sisters kids and my half-brothers kids (or their step children) over my girls. If you need someone to talk to do not hesitate to contact me at srw5299yahoo.com

I think you will get alot of responses because this is such a common problem. I have the same problem with my sister in-law favoring my daughters over my sons and now my biological daughter (4 mos)over my adopted daughter (19 mos). The only thing I do is try to keep everything as fair as possible. For example, if she wants to take one of the girls to the Disney Store I make them unavailable because she never does anything with my son(5 yrs) In fact, she never came to his first birthday. Something else you can do is tell her about a "friend" of yours that has this happen to her and how you see it affect the kids. Maybe then she won't feel accused and she might listen better. I have resolved this in my own heart and don't take it personal anymore because you can't make people change. All you can do is protect your kids and love them. Good Luck!

Boy Sweetheart---can I relate! My EX MIL practically raised my ex's sister's kids--I mean they lived with the in-laws for weeks at a time their entire lives--sometimes stayed there for months and months. But when it came to MY 2 kids---they would not even babysit--let alone keep them for any amount of time. I asked them to babysit a few hours while we went to dinner and a movie for OUR ANNIVERSARY--And the reply was--GET THIS **** "WE DON'T DO WEEKENDS" I'll let that sink in for a sec.... ok...

THANK GOD my Dad and Step-Mom adored them and watched them while I worked part time. Ironically--NOW that they are 18 and 20---the twerps hardly ever visit my folks--and see the others more often.. THAT is cos of their dad--who ...well that is a whole other can of worms---SO for you my dear--I think the best you are going to be able to do is---Firmly --but GENTLY-- let your hubby know that this hurts you alot. Let him know--then let it go--the best you can. Going on and on and on just makes people not want to hear it anymore, and they end up ticked at you. If you are like me---it felt as much OR MORE of a rejection of ME by the in-lawsthan it was of the kids--I think they being so full of themselves thought I was kind of trashy.. even tho we all basically had the same kind of background. My ex-husband and his sister HATE each other to this day and I think she had a part in all of it--probably a jealous and all that. We cant have my kids getting too much attention now can we? Do the best you can with your kids--tell them---"grandma is just different"... let them know all the other people who REALLY love them and teach them to concentrate on that. if grandma pulls that C__P again.. tell them--"maybe someday we can do something like that...and if we cant.. we will still do lots of fun stuff--and have play disney party--or something fun with cupcakes and dress up---you are right--they are still little, they will LOVE it. When they get older--still do something fun. if grandma doesn't get better--I know it hurts, but it would probably be better for her NOT to come around. life is hard--but don't welcome trouble when you don't have to! take care of your own little family--and be grateful for your good friends and family. I hate to sound so goody 2 shoes--but At my age-(and wisdom)(HA)--believe me--your lives will be so much better if you focus on the positive. Good Luck and GOD BLESS!

Wow! We must have the same mil! Our son is the oldest grandchild, but once my sil had her first son, ours became second banana. Then came our son #2, and sil had the 1st granddaughter, who suddenly became like the only grandchild. We finally had a daughter 3 years ago, but they still show favoritism. My mil ALWAYS goes to every game for the cousins, but finds excuses to miss our sons' games (usually because the boy cousin has a scouting event or one of the cousins has a game.). She also can't make it to b-day parties on time at our house, but she can for the others. Our kids get "gifts" from yardsales (quite often stained, and clothes for gifts are always too small because she doesn't follow what we tell her about what size the kids wear when she asks. She always compares the kids, especially the 2 oldest boys, whether it be height, weight, grades, awards, scouts, etc. My husband has repeatedly said stuff to her, and it keeps up. We never said anything bad about her in regards to it in front of our kids, but our oldest two have picked up on it themselves over the last two years, and they have actually said something to her about it! (Yikes!) Sometimes it is better, other times not. I can't say that it will get better for you. I've dealt with it for almost 13 years now. (Vacation issue, too. "Cept we don't even get invited. Just the guilt trip of why we didn't go-hello?!) Just know that there are others in your shoes that have tried to make a difference with mil's that use guilt trips when they are informed of their transgressions. Still try writing her a letter, and see how she responds. It's always worth a try. Explain that you want her to be close to the kids, but don't want competition with the others. Good luck!!!

Hi S.,

It could be possible that you are creating the problem...
I'm not trying to be rude, but just wanted to point something out.

What would happen if you just forgive and forget and let her have whatever relationship she will have? I mean, it may not be as good as you want, but if goodie bags is all your kids will get from her, then let it be. Don't end the relationship because your jealous of the things your nephews and nieces get from her. I think you are being too jealous, and creating the problem.

My MIL definitely favors her other grandchild, too. He has his own room at her house FULL of toys, and he practically lives with her half the time, goes with her places, and gets spoiled more. My kids see this but it doesn't bother them because it doesn't bother me. It's just how she has to treat him differently because my brother-in-law's situation is different than ours. That's what your MIL is trying to explain to you. But I would never get jealous and create a problem over it, and turn my family away! I would never cut ties... my children love any relationship they can get with their grandparents even if it's not the same as their cousin's relationship with them. She still loves your children, but you are making it very hard for her!!!!

My MIL spoils my nephew. I don't want that for my kids. She doesn't treat my kids the same, because we provide better for my kids than my brother-in-law.

Please don't be jealous if she has to spoil the other grandchildren more because their parents aren't as good as you.

If you are afraid your kids will be jealous that their cousins got to go on vacation, then YOU should take your kids on vacation to make it fair. If your sister- or brother-in-laws took their own kids on vacation, then grandma wouldn't have to.

What I'm saying is that you are a better mom than your in-laws and she sees this, and she isn't playing favorites, she just has to be more of a parent where her own children aren't.

Even my own parents hate taking the grandparent role. My mom especially can't handle babies anymore. She just can't handle it. They don't get to see them very often, but I would never create a problem over it, and cut ties because they aren't "good enough" grandparents.

I have a mother-in-law like this. You can reach her through what ever she thinks identifies herself. Example, is she dedicated to the church, her husband or is it just her other granddaughter. If it is the church talk about how the church thinks those actions are wrong or even let her know that you've spoken to the church over her behavior for the protection of the kids so later they won't feel this nonacceptence from granny. Or go to the grandpa and do the same. Or become closer to the other granddaughter and then regularly question the grandma why she is the way she is. People in the later years have something that they never want tarnished. Work from there. Not to be mean but sometimes that is the only way to reach the in-laws. Or just live your life and give your daughters more that this horrible womans exposure and be done with her. You have my sympathy.

I had the same problem. My MIL does not like boys and loves girls. Well needless to say my husband and I had 2 wonderful boys who are 8 and 9. In the past no matter how hard we tried to get her involved in their lives it wasn't nearly as special as what her grandaughters where doing. So we just let it go and figured eventually the boys would see it and then maybe the MIL would understand why the boys judge her!!! A few years ago we got into a huge fight (didn't see or commnicate with her for at least 3 years) and it took a death in the family for my MIL to see what she was missing. although she still doesn't see my boys very often...she is trying to make an effort (coming to see one fo their baseball games next week) which is a HUGE accomplishment. Just let your MIL be and let your children see her for who she is. Just remember she'll have to reep what she sows.

I hate to sound presidential, but honey, I honestly can feel your pain. I find that I do better in writing letters than in sitting down with someone in person. I can articulate my thoughts better, and do some editing before I tell someone my thoughts. Also, please remember that the letter must come from your husband and not you. She may suspect that you wrote the letter, but she will never know for sure unless someone tells. I would sit down and make an outline of the things she is unfairly doing to your daughters. Then I would ask my husband to write the letter, if he won't, then I would write the letter myself, trying to use his terms of expression...and then if I had to threaten him with a gun, I would make him sign the letter...and then mail it. Make the letter non accusatory, don't embellish, simply state the truth (facts), the whole truth (facts) and nothing but the truth (facts). At the end tell her that while all of you realize that one granddaughter may live closer, etc. you know that she loves her grandchildren equally and would not want to hurt any child, especially a grand child and that you are just wanting her to be aware of how it appeared to others.
The other idea for a letter is to write her a letter and tell her that your neighbor has a problem like this one...at the end of the letter, simply ask if this sounds familiar....
I hate to say this, but it sounds as if you and your mother in law will never be friends...and chances are she may not be close to your babies. If that is the case, then she is the real loser.
I also want to ask...why have you and your husband not made the efforts to travel to your mother in laws? Honestly, whether I went to see my son or not, if he had not come home in over a year, I would be very upset. Search your heart and the heart of your husbands, is the other sister in law making her child more available? Does she travel to Grandmas house and spend time with her? Also, when your mother in law does visit, step away from the relationship she is trying to develop with her your children. Let them bond at their own pace, let them develop their own particular relationship...and not the relationship that you want them to have.

dear S.,
Since we cannot change the behavior of other people, we can only change the way we react to situations. So try this, dig deep, and try something new. It may not change your mother in law, but you and your family will feel better!
Good luck

I think most women don't like their mother in laws. I too have a "Marie" from Everybody Loves Raymond.
I would suggest going to counseling with her and express your feelings with a third party involved.
I wrote a letter to my mother in law to express my feelings and then I let my husband read it. It felt good to get it off my chest and at the same time, my husband knew how I felt about his mom.
I did get into an argument with her and it only made the situation worse.
Your daughters will eventually see how their grandma treats you and favors their cousin. Eventually, they will want nothing to do with her.
My friend does counseling with her mother in law. It strengthened their relationship.
Good Luck

P.S- After reading the other responses, why don't you forward this to your mother in law and tell her that you needed advice about the situation and here is what you got. This will be an eye opener for her.