Discipline for an 11 Year Old.

Hi B.,

Well you have just described most preteens... They are searching to find themselves and make a niche for themselves. In doing so they push the boundaries as far as you will let them. You know the old saying you give them and inch and they will take a mile. My son displays some of the characteristics that you described and with him we don't send him to his room. He earns an allowance for doing his chores so that he has money to be able to do what he wants instead of always asking for money for everything. When he doesn't do his chores money is deducted and at the end of two weeks we give him what is left. If he doesn't have anything then he doesn't get anything..so this makes him more responsible for his actions. For the fits and bad mouthing..we give him one warning that he needs to watch it and then if he continues we make him write. Sometimes when I feel that he is doing it just to get a rise out of me then I will say we need to take a break for a minute.. he gets to go to his room and calm down and I do to.. then we come back and talk later. Usually when we reconvene he will apologize for getting out of hand and take his punishment. We always remember though to let him know that we love him...we might be mad at him but we love him and we give him a hug. Like other people responded we also make sure we give him extra lovin' when he does something good b/c it sometimes seems like we always point out the bad but let the good go by as well he should be doing that but we let him know we appreciate all that he has done. Your doing the right thing just remember that you are the parent and remain consistant..... She will come around eventually...
Good Luck to you!!!

B.,

Girl, I thought it was just me! My daughter just turned 11 November 1st. She is out of control. I am a single mom so all the disciplining falls on me and frankly, I'm exhausted from the lectures, popping and raising my voice. Her father lives in another state although they are close, but again she resides with me so I have to keep her straight. Advice, sorry, I have none but I did want to let you know you are not alone with this so if anyone responds with something sound, please forward to me.

What I hate the most are 2 things. 1) I always get the deer in the headlights look when I speak to her, like she's not there or listening and when I finish she just stands there. I'm trying to teach her to say yes, or ok or something to acknowledge I spoke with her. 2) No matter what chore I give her she turns it into something freakishly fun which burns me. Example, I'll tell her to grab a grocery bag and a glove and go pick up trash around the neighborhood. She'll come back and be like Mom, look how much I collected and be excited. Also, I have a large yard, I made her go out and rake leaves. An hour later she had 5 neat little piles and was so proud of herself, she enjoyed it. Its supposed to be punishment. So, take a deep breath and a little peace in knowing your child is not the only one causing growing pains.

L. C.

Wait a minute.... How do you know my daughter well enough to describe her to a "T"? LOL! I also have an 11 yr old daughter who acts like yours. EVERYTHING is an argument. She is being treated for ADHD... that seems to help a little at school. Currently I am looking into ODD. I found a website on it and it really described her. I hate labeling her, but I really want to help her. I do not want her to have a miserable life, and I feel that is where she is heading. No advice here, but I thought it might be nice to know you're not alone.

I am going to message you privately so we can talk more.

Hi B.,

I hate that you are going through this, but what you are experience in preadolescent. The next few years while she is going through hormones shifts, teenage pressure, and figuring out who she is and what she wants to be, you and her aren't going to agree on anything. My best friend's daughter began to be rebellious about that age, she is now 16 years old and things have had their ups and downs. My friend too is a single mom of two. After going through difficult times she put her daughter into counseling. I can't tell you what a difference this has made on their relationship. They still have arguments, but their is more trust among them. Your daughter may not be able to talk to you, because you are mom. As a parent sometimes we tend to onesided. It isn't always easy to listen to what our children are saying to us. We just hear them. Things will get better, but get her involve into talking to you without you interupting. Also get her involve into written a journal. This is a wonderful way for her to express herself without taking it out on anyone. Give her space, but also let her know that she needs to respect you and the household rules. GOOD LUCK!!!

B.,
I wish that I had an answer for you! I am going through the same thing with my daughter! From my understanding, this is a normal stage that ALL preteens go through. It is part of their development where they are trying to understand who they are and become an individual. Beleive it or not, I have noticed that (with my daughter and some that I work with) you are getting through to them, they just dont want to let you know that which makes our job that much harder. One question: HAS SHE STARTED HER CYCLE YET? That can be a big factor. I noticed that before my daughter started hers 2 weeks ago things got a whole lot worse! She became almost uncontrolable with her emotions and was VERY HARD TO HANDLE. If you come up with something that works, please let me know! lol
I wish you good luck and a lot of patience on this one (your gonna need it!). If you ever want to talk, or just vent, let me know(it can help).

Our son is 11 1/2, going through this also. It's all about being consistent. We have five children and the 11 yr old is the oldest, I know how draining it can be to constantly go over the same things again and again! But when the teen yrs are all done she will remember the values you repeated over and over. I wish all of us that go through these teen yrs the best and lots of patience!!! LOL!

WELL SOME OF IT IS THAT SHE IS ABOUT TO BE A TEENAGER SOON BUT WHAT U SHOULD LOOK AT IS WHO SHE HANG WITH B/C IF SHE JUST STARTED ACTIN LIKE THIS SHE IS DOING WHAT HER FRIENDS ARE DOING TO THEIR MOMS ITS A CYCLE DO WHAT MY FRIENDS DO BUT IF IT NOT HER FRIENDS SHE REALLY DONT THINK SHE HASNT DONE ANYTHING WRONG SO U KEEP PUNISHING HER TAKE MORE THAT ONE THING AWAY FROM HER AND TELL HER THAT U DONT CARE WHAT SHE SAYS UNDER HER BREATHE BE DIRECT WITH AND VERY FIRM DONT GIVE IN BEFORE HER TIME IS UP ON HER PUNISHMENTS B/C IF THAT THE CASE SHE JUST GONNA KEEP TRYING TO RUN OVER U TAKE SOMETHING AWAY THAT SHE REALLY LIKE HER CELL PHONE FOR TWO WEEKS TO A MONTH OR EVEN THE HOUSE PHONE BUT DONT LET HER DO ANYTHING THAT SHE LIKES TO DO WHEN SHE GETS INTO TROUBLE OR SCREAMS SAY WHO CARES AND STILL TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY DEPENDIN ON WHAT SHE HAVE DONE

HOPEFULLY THIS WILL HELP U GOOD LUCK

B.,

I am a 30 yo single mother of two as well. My boys are 9 and 7. I have had the same problem out of my oldest. I finally realized sending him to his room didnt work just for the simple fact that he had his things in there. Now he gets sent to the bathroom where he only has walls to look at, i take away his favorite things and we have started a money bank. for every day that he is good and doesnt act out he gets 50 cents put in and then when he is bad he gets 25 cents taken out and he has to be the one to take it out in front of me. i also use listerine the original flavor with a toothbrush when he talks back. i dip the toothbrush in it and rub it on his tongue and it stays there for 9 minutes before he gets a drink of water (a behavior therapist told me to try that) it seems to work. I understand the frustration you have completely. If you would like to talk more feel free to email at ____@____.com

K.

Hey B. I think you have got some really great advice, I really think Marci nailed it. I remember exactly where I was around that age. My parents were lame, they knew nothing and my life was SO difficult! Mostly my mom got the brunt of my mouth, don't we always? For the most part I was just mouthy at home and lied about stupid things, did I clean the litter box? Uh huh, obviously I would get caught in that one. But away from my parents I was the most polite, well behaved child on earth, exactly how my girls are rumored to be. Keep up what you're doing but also remember to compliment and praise her when she does something right or good. Also remember these are awkward times like looks wise, so tell her when she looks cute and pray that this time flies just as quick as all the other years!

I have three daughters...11,9, and 3. Much like your world...I am constantly feeling that I am fighting a battle. With the older girls they are constantly either battling each other or my husband or I. I think that sometimes I go to bed at night wondering if in fact my message will ever get through to them. The 11 year old is constantly adding her two cents, commenting on everything, and she is always right. I think that as a parent we just need to be consistant with all we do. I know that part of growing up means taking responsibilities for our actions and with hope my daughter(s) and yours will eventually understand this important point. Just keep pluggin' along...that's what I do. Hopefully...they will understand what we are saying even if they don't take ownership of their actions at this point in the game.
Take care...J.

B.: Are you my twin? Are our daughters the twins? My daughter only likes me when I'm doing something for her (taking her to play practice, cheerleading, etc.) or buying something for her. She has her period, started when she was 10! I agree with some of the moms, I take away her TV, her computer, and when she and her sister (7) fight like cats and dogs, I make them stand up and hug each other for 10 minutes, and during that time they have to say something nice about each other abour every minute or so. Most of my daughters stuff is with her sister, so they "work" alot together chores, if they are nasty to each other while their doing chores, they get more added. When she talks to me like dirt, I stop her and send her to somewhere else in the house to cool down until she can speak to me in a respectful tone. Sometimes I explain why I'm doing something, but then there are times I use my mothers words, "Because I said so". I try and give my daughter hugs, no way, doesn't want them, I have to wait for her to come to me. If I say I like a pair of jeans, nope, she's not gonna get it. Just remember to be consistent, when she throws the fits, ignore her or tell her that her acting like that will only increase the punishment. My email is in my profile if you want to talk more! Good Luck Girl, I'll send good vibes your way!

MY KIDS ARE GROWN NOW BUT MAYBE THE OLD FASHION WAY WOULD WORK.
THEY ARE GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE BUT...WHEN THEY ARE DISAPLEND FOR IT THERE SHOULD BE NO BACK TALK. WHEN THAT HAPPENS TRY TAKING AWAY SOMETHING THEY ENJOY..RADIO..TV...OR A PARTY TO COME SOMETHING THAT HURTS, THIS SHOWS THEM THAT WHEN THEY HURT YOU THEY IN RETURN CAN AND WILL BE HURT. IT'S A START AND IT WORKED WITH MY BOYS..THEY ONLY TALKED BACK A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE THEY KNEW THEY NEEDED TO GO TO THE ROOM QUITELY AND HOLD THEIR TOUNGE BECAUSE THE TV WAS GONE AND THE PLAYSTATIONS WHERE GONE AND THE RADIO'S WHERE NEXT AND THEY ONLY GOT THEM BACK BY EARNING THEM WITH GOOD BEHAVOR.