12 Yr. Old Wont Do Anything! HELP!

I think it's great you are trying to teach responsibility and not necessarily paying her for chores! In my experience, kids respond better to positive reinforcement (rewards) rather than negative reinforcement (taking things away, punishment, etc). So, even though it might sound elementary--would a reward system help (after all, I hear all the time how much teenagers and toddlers are alike--ha ha!)? Can she earn points or tokens for doing chores, plus extra ones for doing them quickly or well? Then what "reward" would motivate her for earning so many points or tokens--i.e. having a friend over for the night? getting to take an art class? etc...just some thoughts...

We have a 3 year old that we use "Love and Logic". We plan to use it even when he is 12! We have taken some Love and Logic classes but they sell DVDs and book too! I love their ideas about chores, repsonsibilities, etc. I am RIGHT with you on raising a dependable, well rounded child and I think you just need to get some new perspectives on this. Love and Logic often wants you to offer choices. Please look into love and logic and I hope it helps! Good luck!

I have this same problem with my 17 year old son. We have had this issue for the past couple of years. It is reallly frustrating. I totally agree that they need chores. Some how my son feels that he isn't part of the family since there are 4 other children between myself and my husband. My son is from my previous marriage. It almost sounds like we have the same child. Good luck!

Ok, first of all, no one in your house is going to do housework with YOUR exacting specifications. If you are REALLY Stubborn (can imagine where she gets it) about the quality of work and the time frame, do it yourself. No wonder she won't do anything, she probably feels like even when she DOES she can't possibly get it right, live up to your standards. Next, if she has really good grades and is a good kid otherwise, then she IS in fact being 'responsible', doing 'chores', and generally keeping up her end of the bargain! You seem to be looking for a perfect child, and there is no such thing. Organization, personal habits, cleanliness, 'caring' about the home are things that come with age.....some kids have it at 6, some kids don't have it til their adults, or NEVER have it. You are creating A LOT of stress in your life and hers that doesn't really need to be there. If my kids lived in such a militantly scheduled household, they too would not be thriving. Children do not really need to spend their entire childhood practicing to be adults in order to have a sense of responsibility! She HAS responsibility, she's making good choices every day at school. You will need to lower your standards in your house a little if you ever want any peace! What does it matter how LONG it takes her to empty the dishwasher? You better find a better way, Mamma, she's approaching rebel time and if you cannot keep her close and maintain a comfort level with her all hell's gonna break loose! I'm sure this will be an unpopular post, but I hear extreme frustration in your words! Holy Cow, you're gonna make yourself (and her) sick with conflict that doesn't need to be there. Peace to you and her, jeesh!

My daughter is 12 too, but I only have her do really simple chores during the week. What chores does your daughter do M-F?

My daughter like yours, has a busy schedule waking up early, in school all day, gets home has a snack, off too sports practice, homework, dinner, free time, bedtime routine, good night.

Her chores during the week would be something like clearing the table after dinner or putting her laundry away that I had washed. Quick & easy.

On Sundays I set a time for her and let her know this is when you will do XYZ and then you can go over to your friend’s house or we can go get frozen yogurt, etc. She does stuff like clean her room, laundry, dusting clean her bathroom, vacuum the downstairs, etc.

She never complains and I feel it’s fair. She is in the advanced program at school, is a black belt in martial arts, plays soccer and she still loves to cuddle and talk with me everyday. I pick my battles =-)

Maybe sit down with your daughter and go over the week’s schedule. Get out a calendar or chart and both of you discuss what she will do and when, but be willing to compromise. Let her make some decisions, but you have the final say.

Find something that works for both of you.

Good luck to you! Your daughter sounds like a great little lady despite this struggle.

I applaud you for giving your daughter responsibilities! That will go so far in preparing her for real life when she gets older. One thing you might consider is giving her jurisdiction over an area. For example, the kitchen could be her jurisdiction. She can organize it how she likes, etc. Of course, you have the final say on if it works or not, but if she owns her area, she might take more pride in it. I think your daughter has a nice amount of responsibility. She could have more, but with her other tasks (like homework), it is probably about right. What you are seeing is a character issue, which needs to be corrected. Her character is way more important than good grades or being well liked. :) I think you understand that just by the nature of your question. Do you have a faith based reason for doing what you do? If you are a Christian, I would highly recommend For Instruction in Righteousness by the Pearables. Or, you can just have her start reading through and discussing the Proverbs. Another good resource is a book called Raising Maidens of Virtue, by Stacy McDonald. You can have a special time with just the two of you as you go through the book, having tea (or whatever you like), and some nice, special treat as you read the chapter and discuss it. It could be a great bonding time for the two of you, which is so important as she enters her young adult years. Knit her heart closer to yours and your husband's. Do fun things together. You are doing a great job. Just don't give up. Blessings!

I guess I would wonder what may be going on for her inside. Does she have difficulty focusing? Is she preoccupied with something? Often there are stressful emotions that run beneath the radar that go unnoticed but affect us in a very real way. I think I'd look there to see if anything might be going on rather than just treat the symptoms. Underlying stress drains energy (sound familiar??) and it can make doing small tasks a big deal. It may not be that at all, but it's worth checking into.

I'd also encourage you to lighten up on yourself as well. Don't let this create so much stress for yourself as it will make it more difficult to deal with. She'll hear you better if you're in a more balanced place. Good luck - let us know how it goes.

I am late getting to this
but here is what I think

You have a daughter that you need to be a mother to
Not a friend

Dont worry about her getting things done slower than you would do them.
What is the actual part that is bugging you.

Me???
I had to talk with my daughter and tell her
I love you, it drives me nuts when you take a long time to do things I ask of you. I will not rush to your aid if I have something I want to get done, because I have feelings and wants also.
I wil respect your choices, and you have to respect mine also.
There will be times I just won't drop something to get your persoal want taken care of.

As far as chores, I dont believe in children haveing set chores, I do expect them to do as asked when asked. Not a lot of reason why.

When does your child have to explain to you why they want something?
They ask, you respond.
The same happens when You ask them.

Your daughter just needs some reality on who is the aprent, that her slow actions on your requests may be received with indiffersnce and a failure to respond on your part.

Not doing something for your child does not make you a bad parent.
Letting everything have a excuse does.

Get to what you really dont like and fix it.
Then move on to the next part of life.

You could start sharing jobs with her.
Putting the dishes away as you chat toghether.
Doesn't work for me, but it does my husband.

Where is your husband in all of this.
Use him to reinforce your strategy.

My daughter has a list of chores to do, but nothing extreme.... she is 14 and has been doing them for 2 years already...

In the morning she turns the Cat Box on (catgenie), so that takes 2 seconds

After school she has one chore a day, vacuum, dust, bathroom sink and toilet, stairs, and her room.... each take about 20 minutes...

The weekend there is nothing to do since we get it all done during the week.

I still find myself bugging her to get her stff done... but I will let it go a day or two, and when she asks for something, the answer is always no if she hasn't done her chores...

Her phone is linked only to her grades... if the grades drop, she loses the phone... and does not get it back until the grades go back up.

It only gets harder as they get older, nip it in the bud now and save yourself the anxiety... once she starts seeing that you will do NOTHING for her unless her stuff is done, maybe she will get back on the ball.

GOOD LUCK!!!! from another teen girl Mom

i read your "what happened" section and im discouraged that you received so many negative posts :( :(

i wholeheartedly support you raising your kids the way you do. even kids need to know that they have to be responsible for chores around the house and etc, because you will NOT be following them to their dorms and doing their chores there will you? you dont exactly want to be footing the bill for a single room because your child cant keep up their end of the bargain in a shared room situation :P - everyone has responsibilities, everyone has to be better at keeping track of their own time and responsibilities, and you are spot on for wanting that for your child.

your daughter sounds a lot like by brother (11 years younger) - hes 16.. and he takes forever to do something. we had him take the flag page (www.flagpagetest.com) and it turns out a part of his personality is to find the best, most efficient ways to do something, and if he cant think of it, it prevents him from doing it. it sounds like an excuse for being lazy, but i think his mind is really working on a good solution (even though that sounds crazy - i mean is there really a more efficient way to do the dishes?) LOL.

what you could do is look up things by dave ramsey. this might help you because he does encourage "enlisting" kids to be paid for certain chores. absolutly; they should do things because they are a part of the family, and they absolutly should have responsibilities that they do not for money, but because it is their responsibility to do it. but there are many things that they do because you ask them to; it would be adventageous to pay them for; especially the older ones. it helps them to learn that money must be EARNED, it doesnt come from just being handed over when they think they need it. dave ramsey (if i remember right) gave his kids 1$ or something, they had a payday once a week, and they did the right things with their money; they gave to church/charity, put some in savings, and the rest was for spending.

not only might this help you to get them to do certain things, but its a financial lesson too, and looking at the world and monitary choices people make (going into debt for things that we could easily and more sensibly save up for) this is something every child should be learning one way or the other (and dont rely on school to teach it!)

anyway, good luck with this. it is hard to figure this out. but you must remain calm, see if you can talk to your daughter, under a relaxed circumstance, like when you are driving or something. figure out what she needs as well, how she feels, what shes thinking while doing the dishes, or whatever. see if theres something she needs help with. when she loads the dishwasher, do you (or someone else) go behind her and redo it? does she do it "wrong" ? this could be causing frustration and making her feel as if no matter how she does it (or how long it takes) its still not "right". LOL. im not saying you do this, but try to think of ways maybe she might feel slightly unappreciated for doing it.

lastly, dont nag. mark gungor talks about ways to get a man to do what you want. there are several ways to do this, but one of the biggest things is asking the right way. dont ask them by belitting, dont ask them by being angry or nagging, dont ask them by constantly reminding. perhaps you could give a time limit for a child to do something, if they dont do it, perhaps offer it to another sibling and give them a "bonus" for doing the chore. this might just mean that said child gives up and figures someone will do it for her if she doesnt, and no big deal, but we all know it has to be done by someone, and it might work? i dont know. :(

anyway, im sorry this is so tough. being a mom is sometimes so frustrating that we dont know what to do. try having a date with your daughter, like i said, and see if you can figure out whats eating her :P

I showed your post to my 12 yr old and she wrinkled her nose lol!!! She realized that her chores ( wiping countertop and kitchen table, setting dinner table, making her own eggs, grilled cheese, salads, etc., cleaning up after herself in the bathroom after showering, taking care of her puppy, skimming the pool, and checking her younger sister's homework) are a piece of cake! She stopped dragging her feet on doing chores when she watched something on the History channel about the pilgrim children and then took an interest in Little House on the Prairie lol!!! She does not get an allowance---she is part of a family and each member has responsibilities to make the family a whole. Honestly, she usually does get what she wants (presents) because she is a good person and great student:-)
The only thing I would not make her do is clean up the daycare.

My kids have more chores than yours and do not get an allowance. I don't think you're putting too much on her. My husband's oldest had everything done for him, and when he moved out on his own he was absolutely helpless. When she goes off to college she will be able to take care of herself, she does not need to add any more struggle to what she will go through that first year on her own.
You are describing my daughter exactly.
My son responds very well to things that are written down. He needs to know what is he is supposed to do, when to do it and how long it should take, and what will happen if he does not do it. I write up a daily routine for both children and hang it in their room so I don't have to remind them, I just says check your routines. They can't use any electronics or do anything "fun" in the morning until everything on their routines is done. If they ask if they can do something I ask if their routines are done.
I like the idea of using a timer. My daughter is highly distractable and usually ends up doing everything but her chore if left to her own devices. Hearing a timer ticking away usually helps. And I try to help her by keeping the tv and other distractions away until after chores are done. Also we have a three strikes you're out rule, I remind her three times, then she knows there is some form of punishment. This is usually something light and immediate, like no tv for the night, 15 minute earlier bedtime, or a small extra chore. Then she has done her time and can move on, she is not stuck paying for her previous transgression the next time she is doing her chores. It is easy to "ground" children, but if they are grounded all the time then why should they try to do better? I don't agree that you should start taking every everything away, if it becomes a battle then no one will win.
It is very important for girls this age to feel they are in control. Whether it's of choosing their own clothes, or what they eat, or what they do with their free time. They need to feel that they are making their own decisions. Try to rethink your problem with that in mind, enabling her to make good choices.
Also their self-esteem is so fragile at this age that I would try to be as positive and supportive as possible, rather than combative. Easier said than done, I know. But perhaps you can offer rewards for getting things done before the timer goes off, and allow ample time for her to get things done closer to her own pace than what you prefer. Maybe split the difference. Then offer rewards she will respond to, like buying her ring tones or songs off of iTunes, letting her pick the game or movie for family night, choosing the Sunday dessert, earning credit toward the fabric and pattern of some fabulous fashion item, a trip to the library, taking a cooking class with the menu of her choice with mom, or possibly even picking a homework-light day that she can go over to a friends house (or have a friend over) after school once she gets her duties done.
Find something within her interests that motivates her. For my daughter she is collecting IOUs for a laptop. She will work like mad to get those. She realizes it will take her forever, but every bit of progress makes her happy.
Also both of her brothers have Aspergers syndrome and I have to wonder if there isn't some underlying issue that is making it hard for her. I hate to label my daughter as lazy when she's such a good kid otherwise, I have to think something is making it a struggle for her. I know she isn't doing it just to spite me.
If you figure something out that works I would love to hear it!

Take her phone away, all the way. No T.V No COMPUTER, nothing. thats what my mother did to us when I was growing up. We couldnt go anywhere on the weekends if we didnt do our chores during the week or messed up at school.
Now that Im a mother, I try to the samethings she did and maybe a little different. My daughter is in the 1st gread and have a video game that she cant play with if she missed behave in school. Then it goes from there, no T.V. no coloring no arts.
When we get home we do the samething all most
-Snack
-Homework
-Dinner
-Chores
-Shower
-Story time
-then Bed
I hope this helps, good luck

Some of the responses you have received are absolutely ridiculous! You have a large family and EVERYONE must do their part to keep the household running. I'm always a fan of positive reinforcement- cell phones are a priviledge, not a neccessity. It does sound like time limits might be a good idea. Use a kitchen timer and have her bring it to you... you set it, she does the chore, comes back and resets for the next chore. Good luck!

I have 3 children ages 11, 9, and 4. They have expected chores which have to be done weekly but I also have optional chores which they recieve an allowance for. Not sure if you give your daughter and allowance. If you opt not to do any extra chores you recieve no money however you still have to do the chores that are normal. If they do extra chores they get paid but also earn extra privledges cause they have proven to me they are responsible, like 20 minutes extra time before bed. If they don't do the expected chores they loose privledges, early bed time, no phone, spend day in room. We never have issues with chores any more and almost every week they do all the extra chores, what one kid doesn't do the other one usually does. Some may call it bribery but I look at it as I wouldn't want to go to work and not get paid so the fact that they do extra work is a bonus for me cause I can spend more time with them. I then do not controll what they spend their money on. If they save up fifty bucks and want to buy a pair of jeans they can. I also don't care if it takes them 1 day or all week to do the chore, If it is done by friday which is pay day then you get paid. To me it makes no difference if it takes you 10 minutes or 45 as long as it gets done.

If you get a good answer, please let me know!

In the meantime, check out fly-lady dot net - one thing it suggests is the use of a kitchen timer - anything can be done for `15 minutes at a time.

One thing you know is: your current method is not working.

Therefore, you should do something different. I don't disagree with your premises and ideals about laziness, but I do wonder if the time it takes you to oversee and argue with your daughter about these chores is worth the little time you'll gain from her doing them.

One thing I know is I would rather do something myself than have to spend five times as much time forcing someone else to do it, so in some cases I have done many chores my children should have been doing.

My oldest son is like your daughter -- he can take forever doing some tiny task -- and I learned that I have to walk away and not watch him do something. So give her a time frame, and then walk away.

You don't believe in paying her for chores, but because of that belief you are spending tons of time arguing with her. I suggest you try a reward system, in spite of your beliefs. (I don't disagree with your beliefs, I just know from experience that there are times to give up our beliefs with kids and just make things easier for ourselves.) Find something to motivate her to do her chores.

Even if your daughter never swept a floor or unloaded a dishwasher in her life, she will quickly learn to do so once she leaves home because she will have to.

And I completely agree with Theresa N.

Maybe try taking the cell phone away from her for a day and explain to her that it should take 15-20 minutes to take care of the dishes and everytime that she goes over that she will lose her cell phone privilege for 1 day.

instead of taking the phone away for not doing chores, try a different approach. Allow her the opportunity to earn phone time. you keep the phone and once ALL her chores are done, she may use the phone for the amount of time left in the day. a phone should be a privilage that is earned not a nessesity that may be taken away. We often threaten to take things away and then don't follow through, they get that! By turning it around you will have no choice but to follow through as she only earns the phone privilage IF she does her fair share.

When she insists on being stubborn like this YOU be even more stubborn. Take the phone and anything else she likes to do away for an indefinite amount of time - I'm talking more than a few days. Try it for a month - don't tell her it's for a month and say, "When we see your attitude has consistently changed, we'll give you your phone, etc back BUT that means once you have them back you will continue to do what is expected or you'll find yourself with NO privileges. That's the bottom line kiddo. We're a family and we work together but we will not reward your bad attitude or laziness in this home" and then STICK TO IT

I agree with you that your daughter should be doing chores and your expectations are not unreasonable. My 4 year old is already learning how to help around the house. I would get rid of that cell phone for your 12 year old. It seems like her friends already have enough of an influence on her during school, that I wouldn't give her any more time with them. Have you thought about having her write an essay on why it is important to be a contributing member of the household as discipline when she is taking so long to do chores? Keep up the battle mom this is one fight you have to win. She needs to respect your authority just because you are the mom.

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all. I think chores are good for children and giving a child chores to do is part of good parenting. I haven't read the responses, but I am certainly on the side of increasing responsibility as children become pre-teens and teens.

As for advice, I guess I would make her earn the phone and any allowance. No chores = no allowance, phone or anything else. If she chooses to be really slow, ignore it. If she chooses to stay in her room for the next month, ignore it. Don't give her the satisfaction of a reaction because any reaction is attention (negative reinforcement).

If this continues, take her to a counselor and see if there is anything you can do differently to make a happy life for the whole family. I am not saying she needs therapy, I am saying sometimes counseling is a great tool for transitioning. Puberty is an adjustment to another phase of life, right?

I read both your post and reply and I agree with you that children should not be paid for chores that are part of the normal household..such as cleaning room, dishes etc..however picking up the daycare? I am not with that one at all.. that is your business and you need to take care of it and it would cause resentment in my household to have to take care of my mom's business stuff. Is she the youngest in the household? If so she maybe working it a bit but I would be patient and once she gets her homework done and if it takes an hour to do dishes..so be it.. so long as the chore get done then she knows that anything after that is her free time and if she wants to use her free time to do diehes..so be it. I know it can get frustrating but once she understands this she will be doing the chores alot faster. Good Luck!

Two thoughts come to mind.
One is that it sounds like a lot of chores.
I made my kids do chores, believe me, but the list itself seems kind of daunting.
I agree that the faster kids get their chores done, the longer they have for other things, but she may be thinking she'd rather lose her cell phone than have to do all of that.
It's a bit of a different situation, but I vividly remember being happy to take a punishment as opposed to having to eat some of the bizarre stuff my mom cooked for dinner. Oysters and scrambled eggs. Fish with the inards and heads intact. Liver and onions. I still have nightmares about creamed corn, which is a long story, but my point is, I knew what would happen if I didn't eat that stuff and I was happy to be punished. I did my homework, got my clothes ready for the next day and just got in bed hungry because that's where I knew I was going anyway. No TV or friends for a week wasn't going to make me gag down any of that stuff.
No punishment would have been severe enough for me to change my mind.

You do have free time on the schedule, but even if things are done with lightening speed, how much free time is actually left for her? At 12, my kids had LOTS of homework. That's one thing I didn't want them racing through.
My son would rather do chores than his homework any day, so, giving him a long list of things to do could be used as an excuse not to do his school work. He would do things I didn't even ask him to do, which was sweet, but I knew his motivation for that. Procrastination of what he really dreaded.
Lots of kids will goof around about chores because they are hoping in the long run to get out of them all together. My daughter was one of them.
So, I kept things pretty short and simple and if she didn't do a couple of things like load the dishwasher and take things out of the dryer, then I added chores because it would have been easier for her to do the two simple things in the first place.
Your kids do so much already, even on the weekends, what's next if they don't do it? Cleaning the gutters and power-washing the outside of the house?
Chores never killed me or any other kid that I know of. And, I do understand trying to have structure and a schedule, etc.
But, like I said....how much free time is there really....really....when you think about it? It's school, homework, chores and being grounded from something.
Maybe if she gets her stuff done during the week, she doesn't have to do anything on the weekends but keep her room clean. Meaning emptying her trash and taking her laundry to the laundry room and keeping her clothes put away. Just take care of her own space instead of worrying about the bathrooms and the living room and the daycare area.
She's already not allowed friends during the week and TV is rare. What else can you take away from her?
I think you should change up the structure of the schedule and like I said, give her some type of incentive for getting things done. Try only having her do all those chores on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays and if she gets it done, no chores for the weekend.
I understand having the kids switch off, but how about if they were able to work together those 3 days a week knowing they can have some free time on the weekend? It might help with "teamwork" and it might help with motivation.

Just a suggestion and just my opinion.