B.D. asks from Slovan, PA on September 20, 2006
P.C. answers from Portland on September 22, 2006
I am stepmom of an 11 yr girl and I have similar issues too. She doesnt get to go or do what she wants unless her chores are done, homework done, and she hasnt given me any attitude. The rules are the same for all 5 kids so she is not being picked on. Missing tv, phone, sleepovers, and playtime with her friends has made a difference. I have had a few heart to hearts with her as well and try to show how I feel too and how unfair she is being not only me and her father but to her siblings as well. You have to remember, 12 yrs old, she is stepping up to a teenager soon and she sees attitude at school from the other girls too. I found that some of my stepdaughter's friends were saying things about me and how I make her do her homework and chores first and one of them told her to tell me to F**k off! I lost it and I spoke the other mother and they no long hang out. I wish the best!
R.S. answers from Boston on September 21, 2006
Hi, I have a 12 year old son and he is the same way. I am assuming that this has always gone on, but things are getting out of control? My suggestion is from his counselor...don't give her what she wants. If you say something has to be done by a certain time, make sure it gets done by that time, or take away what she values. Such as video games, friends, telephone. You show her respect when she shows you respect. If you "let" her act the way she does now, think of how she will be in 5-6 years.His counselor told me to stand my ground now in order to help him be a better person. That is what worked for me. I want him to grow up to be a better person. Sometimes he is very angry that he doesn't get his way or do what he wants to do...but When I ask for him to do something I won't budge until he complies. If I don't show him how to be responsible, who will??
C.R. answers from Buffalo on September 21, 2006
Hi Bobby Jo, I agree with Luanne about taking things that she likes away from her if she doesn't listen. Make a list of things that she needs to be responsible on a daily basis and make it clear to her that if she doesn't do them, then there will be a consequence to pay. If she gets an allowence, pay her each week a set amount that is comfortable for your budget, but make her pay you back like &1.00 for each task that is not completed. We did this with my daughter and it worked, it took some time to sink in, but it did work. You have to be consistent with it though in order for the point to come across loud and clear.
N.P. answers from Hartford on September 21, 2006
The only thing I can do is wish you the best of luck!!! I have a 12 year old daughter too and I find her sooooo difficult at times. Certain times of the month she loves to argue with me. Seems like she likes doing it when I'm at my tiredest. One thing I've found with my daughter is that if she doesn't get her sleep or if she doesn't eat by a certain time it throws everything off. She's very scheduled. Try taking things she likes away. I know with my daughter she loves watching music videos. When I took the TV away from her she was devistated. I hope it gets better - I'll be praying for you, but you have to pray for me too LOL.
K.D. answers from Washington DC on September 21, 2006
How consistant are in your actions and how realivant is the punishment. I got my daughters attention at a very young age as far as using the phone. I told her (I guess she was maybe 8,9 or 10 yrs old) that she had to be off the phone by 8:30 to go to sleep. She was to busy talking to notice what time it was and she ran over that time. When she got off it was like 10-15 minutes after she was suppose to, so I told her for every minute she was late getting off that was one day she could not use the phone. She was not happy, but it got her attention.
C.M. answers from Syracuse on September 21, 2006
have you tried to do something exciting with her like take her backbacking in the adiroundacks or do something daring or something that you wounldnt normaly do go to a rock concert with her ... you need to get in touch with her .
T.D. answers from Boston on September 22, 2006
My son is 12 and the baby and it seems that he doesn't listen to anything and thinks he can set the rules and all too often in the past I have defended him and forgiven him quickly. We put him in counseling last year and were because he was failing school. He was tested and he scored above average in everything. The counselor shone a light on me, and as much as I hate to admit it, I was always cleaning up his "messes" for him. The advice the counselor gave us was one that we had heard before. "Tough Love" It is so hard for us as parents to watch our kids fail but unfortunately it is the only way they learn. We love our children so much, most of the time we do not realize by doing things like going to the school to retrieve that forgotten book or helping with homework or just plain "talking to them like friends" instead of parents we are not preparing them for the world but sheltering them from it. It was very difficult at first. We started to take away things like his TV, Playstation, computer when he acted up but I was amazed at how quickly his attitude started to change. I stopped losing my temper but held firm to his punishments no matter how upset and "mean" he got. as long as your daughter is not doing anything at this point that will get her into major trouble, like alcohol, drugs or shoplifting this should work. I knew kids needed discipline and I thought I was being a good parent by giving him so many chances. I was wrong. Good luck B.!
C.J. answers from Harrisburg on September 24, 2006
I am not there yet, but a suggestion is too stand your ground..I used to be like your daughter, and my mom never gave in to me, and today i thank her. She never let me go, she never told me to do whatever i wanted, and she never let me slide if i did wrong or talked back to her. I love my mom for being there and working with me. I am now a new mom, and I am prepared to do the same.
L.H. answers from Syracuse on September 20, 2006
Each time she doesn't listen, take something away, and really take it away, like to salvation army, for good. it will show her who is boss, and each time she acts up do it agian. Dr. Phil has a great book, (no I don't work for him) Family First. Good luck, she will be mad at first, but you are the mother, the boss and it is for her own good.