"Daughters" and Thier Attitudes

V.~

I sympathize with you, I have a daughter that will be 17 next month and I think God that I may be on the downhill slope of this “mother and daughter attitude” I think that she was about nine when she became “wiser” than me.
All I can do is tell you what worked for me, and to be VERY PATIENT. First of all in our house we basically only have three rules. #1. Never lie to us. #2. You will respect us. #3. Let us know where you’re at and who you’re with by checking it no matter what. We have found that all other rule fall in to these 3 rules. This has gotten rid of the “but you said…” issue. We have always been consistent to these rules and have never back down. Having them so broad and catch all has made this so much easier.
Another thing that we did that really helped was having a foreign exchange student come live with us during my daughter’s sophomore year. I know that this sounds extreme, but it did indeed work. It started as a joke between my husband and me, after an “attitude” episode we would talk about how she would learn so much if she would have to share with another girl her age, and learn patients, etc. After I did some looking in to it, it became a real option. Not only accomplishing our goal for our daughter, it also ended up being a great experience for the whole family. During that year our daughter learned so much about tolerance, patience, and understanding. She has been a true delight ever sense, for the most part ;-)
I have shed more tears over that girl that I have any man. It is so hard not to take it personally when it comes to these young girls that we gave life too.

Good Luck!!
J.

hello V.,
I have a 12 3/4 yr old and she is going on 25. I have experienced the same and what I found to work is just ignoring her requests for anything i.e clothing, outings with her friends, dances and overall general fun things. Once she realizes that she gets nothing and all the whining she does gets her no where she will shape up. restrict her to school and school only. Do not allow her to attend church outings or even the church weekly kids groups. this has worked for me. If she is messing up at school let her know you are setting up a meeting with all of her teachers and with in the same room just spill all of her attitude issues, also make sure the school counsler is there. trust me do to her what she is doing to you and things will change. If you have anymore questions let me know.

Oh, the headaches you will endure....My daughter is eleven and feels she is the second in command, or the "little mama" in my house - so I feel for you. However, when she tries to be disrespectful or take her "attitude" too far, I have to reel her back in and remind her that she is MY child and she is still just a child, not the adult she seems to think she is. I usually only have to ground her, but when she is grounded, she is not allowed to be anywhere else in the house other than the living room when she is awake or when she's not doing her chores. So, she is allowed to watch only what her father and I are watching, which is torture in itself to her.

She also babysits for a neighbor of ours, and when she is grounded she is still allowed to babysit, but the money that she earns is given directly to me and she is not allowed to spend it. I put the money in her college bank account.

She is also given a list of chores to occupy her time on Saturdays and Sundays, and I'm not talking light cleaning! It is the get-on-your-knees-and-get-the-elbow-grease-going cleaning. She also has to do the light cleaning on the weekdays.

Only once did my daughter try to slam her door behind her when she was angry with me. I quickly went into her room, told her that she was never to disrespect me or the house like that again, and told her actions had consequences to which she would be punished. She was informed she had lost her privilege to her privacy for a while, as well as being grounded, and I removed her door from its hinges that night. She has never tried to slam her door again.

Also, I tend to talk a lot to my children to see what is going on with their friends, school, etc., so sometimes when she is acting up a lot and having an "attitude", I ask her what is going on at school or with her friends. She might not be getting along with one of her best friends or might be having a hard time with a paper that is coming up for Social Studies, etc. I then try to give her advice on how to handle things and remind her that I was once her age and had to go through these same kinds of situations. She usually feels better, sees her situation in a different light, and is reminded that her mom was a kid once too. I actually love these conversations and we bond more during these times.

My best advice is to constantly remind your daughter that you are the parent and she is still a child; if she respects you and your husband, she will get respect in return; her actions have consequences; and maybe tell her that you know this is not the way she normally acts, and ask what might be going on in her life.

These are the things that I've found work for me anyway, but like all other parents, we weren't given a handbook when our babies were born, so good luck!!

Are u telling me this is what I have to look forward too lol. You are very lucky though that her attitude didnt start until she was 9 my daughter is now 6 going on hmmmm.... any witchy teenage u can think of & she already acts like that. She acts like I did at my most rebelious ages 12-16 & I never disrespected my mom the way my daughter does me. I have tried everything i could think of. But so far what has semi worked for us is we have a chart that has a list of the stuff she sould be doing everything from litening to her parents to taking a shower to cleaning her room ect. What we do is she will pick a littlest pet shop toy that she really wants & I will buy it but she nows it goes in my closet till the end of the week. So we give her checks for everything she does & at the end of the week we add them all up & if she gets a certain amount she will get that toy. Every week though that she does get enough checks I raise the amount she will need at the end of the week. Everything that is on the list is resonable & totally capable of a 6 year old to acclomish everyday. I have also heard that some parents use the checks the opposite way like the checks are for what they didnt do but me personally I think its better for your child to be rewarded for what they do right then always diciplining them for what they do wrong. If u come up with a great idea that works for u please let me know lol

V.:

Welcome to pre-teendom... First of all you said "she always thinks we are picking on her". From a psychological perspecitve, preteens and teenagers are very egocentrical; they already believe the world centers around them for the most part... don't expect that anything you do won't make her feel like she is set apart for victimization. Don't you remember being that age? Everything is a travesty...! I'm not trying to be derogatory, but this is very likely not a problem to fix itself soon.

This may not help, but it's somthing that my mom told me when I became a mother of a tween. She told me that the advice you give; the discipline you dole out isn't ment to change immediate behavior, but to shape your child for the future. If you drill it into her head (for example) the "correct" way to do her laundry, she may not do it without your coaching or correcting her, but when she gets older, and then throws that first dark red shirt in with her white socks and it all comes out pink SHE WILL REMEMBER! That doesn't help with the here and now, but just remember your efforts may not seem like they are doing anything right now, but they will pay off if you are consistant Mama!

Oh my gosh, there is so much to say about girls and their attitudes. I agree with what has already been said. Just remember that you are not responsible for the choices that she makes. Disconnect yourself emotionally (anger) when she chooses the wrong. I just tell my kids that I am so sorry that they made the wrong choice and that the consequence is (this). Of course, they tell me..."No you're not Mom". All I can say is that you need to follow through and be CONSISTENT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree that you need to demand respect in your own home. I just told my daughter that if she did not want to respect me, she could go to her room and disrespect me all she wanted to in her pillow.

Believe me, there will come a time when your little girl gets older that you will find a ton of motivations for her to WANT to change. Girls get social at a much younger age and all the social things taken away are just death itself. Ha Ha.

Make sure that you and your husband stick up for each other and that your daughter knows what the consequence will be for her actions. I even let my kids choose what consequence they think will change their actions in the future. If they say "nothing", then the punishment or consequence is left to Mom or Dad...which is much worse. Ha Ha.

Good luck! Let us all know how it goes!

I am new to mamsource so first off I should say "Hello everyone and Happy New Year, thank you for inviting me to this amazing connection." It is so nice to see other mothers with these situations.
I have a nine year old as well and I am experiencing very similiar behavior. Her father does not live in the home but he is an active part of her life along with her step mother and little sister from her father's side of the family.Her father and his wife and I, all get along fine after years of working through things when she was little but now that we are getting along fine it is almost as if she wishes we weren't.We don't do very much co-parenting so there isn't consistancing as far as there are different rules in each of our houses but she knows what is what. If I tell her "mommy has a bruise on her leg and it hurts" not even thirty minutes later she is jumping on my leg. I am having a hard time not reading deeper meanings into her behavior because my life has not always been stable. I stress over what is normal nine year old behavior and what is disfunctional behavior and how much is from my insecurities and how much is from her? I find myself saying "Stop" alot to her and I know that this is not corrective parenting.Further more the more that I say "stop" the more she laughs and continues to repeat the same behavior. When she finally does stop she reacts wounded or may even burst into tears and cry and cry but cannot tell me why she is crying as if I am the one that is misbehaving.This is when I start to come undone. There are other times when she talks just like a teenager and all about wanting a cell phone and on the phone with her friends. She always defensive if you try to help her with homework or correct anything that she is doing. If I ask "Why are you yelling at me?" She yells "No, I am not." Because it is only the two of us I have tried explaining to her that the way she treats mommy makes mommy feel bad and that we need to work together. She has a loving family that all love and support her and she loves spending time with all of them also.She never goes without anything.

We have a new rule in our house... it's basicly, if you can't speak resectfully, you lose your right to speak at all in our house. We have done this because we have one daughter that does the constant arguing, talking back, etc. etc. She gets two to three chances depending on the severity of her attitude... I will warn her "you're on the verge of losing your privelidge of speaking". If she smarts off again, she may lose the right for anywhere from 30 min. (enough for us to all regroup and come back together) to the entire day if it's been an ongoing problem that day. If she has lost the right to talk, and she is heard by either of us, it's 5 min. in the corner for every word we hear. If she smarts off again, it's grounded to her room with no electronics for the day. This has only been in affected about 2 weeks, she's used it 3 times... not in the past 4-5 days though!

I HIGHLY recommend the book (or the great 2 hour DVD) called "hold onto your kids" by gordon neufield and gabor mate. you can get both online at http://www.gordonneufeld.com/.

Wow,
I thought I was the one with this problem. Ever since she has been out of Elementary School I have this attitude problem. She has changed her way of thinking and who she is. Clothes are more expensive and she wants to wear makeup. And whatever I say to her I'm not understanding. I believe she somehow doesn't get it, I was her when I was young and that when I was told to do something my mom or dad told me I had to listen and do exactly what they told me to do. Times have changed and I'm raising my last child whose 11 and she refuses to stop talking back. No matter what. Her opinion counts, but when she's directed at me and my husband. We seem to be having arguements over everything. As soon as she walks into the door, She seems to start being mean. With words then when I get upset with her she walks out the door like she needs to get away.
In which; there goes my stomach, due to running after her. Telling her to come back in. She states why should I, then I have to tell her once again it's not safe to just wonder off. See, she feels like she's older. And her brother who used to be here is with my sister in California visiting with our relatives before he goes into the Navy January 4th, 2007. I feel frustrated and confused. That nothing I do is going to stop my 11 year old from being this way. She's dead set on disrupting our home life.I love her with all that I am and then some. But she doesn't believe or feel it. I've gone out of my way to show it and tell her. But to no avail she's out to prove me wrong in everything I say and do when it comes to her.
What is a mom suppose to do, some friends tell me she's going through pre-teens. But I see she is trying to become herself but is doing it all wrong. Why? Won't she allow me to direct or stear her in the right direction.
Can it be it will take someone else to do that. Her dad is also confused he tells her that her behavior is not acceptable and it may get her into trouble one day. V., were in the same boat, same situation where they don't want to do this or that. Whatever we say their not listening or doing and if they do you know they really don't want to and we feel like less of a parent when they treat us this way.
I just have to hang in there and hope and pray she will chamge again, for the better. I haven't been able to accept her behavior as well she's strong, and stuburn. All I can say is ask her what maybe the problem, Because mine has been saying the kids at her Jr. High tease her and make fun of her alot. Maybe just maybe something is going on in school. Plus the other children maybe reflecting some bad behavior onto her.
It's not a good sign when we remember our beautiful little girls being just that. And now they have mouths to speak with and some of it isn't plesant to listen to.Find out if it's in her or if it's something to do with somebody. Thats all I suppose. I know am doing all I can too.