Dealing with Teen and Rock Concerts

It's one way or the other.

She's going to be 18 in a few short months. If she can't go to a concert now and make good choices then she's not going to be able to go in a few months when she's able to go whether you say she can go or not.

I think you need to sit down with her and tell her the truth. That you worry about her when she's in places like this. And all the why's.

Perhaps you can also tell her that she needs to go to these concerts when she's at her dads and at home she can't go.

Sounds like this is about more than concerts.
I started going to concerts when I was 16. I'm 46 and STILL go to rock concerts on a regular basis, in Oakland and San Francisco mostly. I can tell you that not much has changed since 1984. Well, that's not really true, security is a lot tighter and more strict, and these venues do NOT serve alcohol to minors. But yes, there is some pot smoking and drunkenness, but for the most part everyone is well behaved and enjoying the show.
She is 17 not 12. I would hope she could be trusted to go to a show and make good choices. I mean I never talked to older men when I was her age and I certainly knew better than to take drugs from a stranger! Nobody really taught me that I just had common sense. Do you feel your daughter doesn't have common sense, or has she been so sheltered from the world she doesn't understand the dangers out there? If so it's time to start teaching her these things, and time to start letting out the leash. Otherwise she's going to turn 18 and start going crazy with "freedom" and that's a sure recipe for disaster :-(

I think you have a lot of fear and anxiety about your daughter having some independence, which is pretty common, I'd imagine. I know my son is only seven and there have been a few events I've had my own anxieties about-- but I knew the adults and let him go anyway because I knew my own anxiety would likely be of more harm to my kid than the real potential for *actual harm*.

I think having a chaperone is fine, but it's also wise to make a standard back-up plan with your daughter about 'what to do if'.... My mom and I had that sort of plan. I graduated at 17 and had two incidents where I needed to call my mom. One, my friend ditched me at an all-ages nightclub to leave with her abusive ex-boyfriend-- she and I had an argument about this and I lost my ride home. The buses had stopped running. Mom wasn't happy, but she came and got me.

The second time, I was on the bus home and witnessed a horrible motorcycle accident which was likely fatal. I needed someone to help me deal with it; it was terrifying.

Neither of these incidents happened at a concert. I mention this because I think if we get overly focused on one aspect of our kids' independence, we miss those other times when our kids really DO need us. I also attended a lot of concerts as a 17 year old (working full time, btw, and paid for my own tickets-- please heed B and Mira's suggestions on this) and NEVER got into a situation which warranted needing adult intervention or emotional support.

Life is going to happen as it does. What I would say to my child to help them understand MY worries? Nothing. They are MY worries and I shouldn't make my kid anxious by projecting my fears onto them. Instead, I teach 'well, this could happen-- what would you do?' and then listen to their plan. At this age, the conversations should be more about safe practices and being street smart. Because if she has this much liberty at her dads as you say, those conversations should have been happening a long time ago.

Base concert privileges on very real things, like displayed responsibility, keeping up grades, helping around the house... noticing aloud the good choices she makes will also give her better direction instead of only focusing on the problems.

One thing I like to keep in mind is something the late musician Frank Zappa said, and I'm going to paraphrase.... when he was asked if he was concerned that his kids had seen people drunk or under the influence of drugs, his reply was that they HAD seen it all, and were disgusted by it. Sometimes, kids really do pick up on the fact that drinking until you puke is gross and that doing drugs can make one do stupid, dangerous things. Sometimes, a little chaperoned exposure can be a good thing, so they know "oh, if I do that, I might end up doing that other thing, no thanks".

I say it so often, I should have a tee shirt made-- balance is everything. Let her pick and choose which shows she really wants to go to, make sure she has ways to earn the money, and worry less about what she will see-- instead, teach her how to make smart choices. I was able to call my mom for help in part because I knew she wouldn't be mad at me or rub my nose in it. Stuff happens. Prepare them for those eventualities.

You don't try to make a 16 year old girl "understand your worries." At her age, she won't understand them.

You just have to keep doing what you are doing, which is allowing her to go to some concerts with a chaperone.

I think your main problem is that you expect her to "understand." Stop expecting that. She will understand when she's older. It's normal for her to keep asking, you just have to keep saying no.

You worry about your daughter "changing" but I can tell you from experience of many teen girls that the things your daughter is doing and requesting are completely normal for a 16 year old. Even the request to have alcohol at the party. The answer to that is, "Of course not."

And p.s. - Concerts are expensive, which is another reason she can't go to all the concerts she wants.

p.p.s. - I mostly agree with Talkstotrees, except that I don't think it's a bad thing to send a chaperone to a concert at 16. At 18, however, she should be able to go by herself, and you have to trust that you have raised her to make good choices.

I raised my kids to make good choices and trust them to go places and behave themselves, and they do. You said you didn't want to hear it but I'll tell you anyway - at 15 I was allowed to drive 90 miles with friends to stay with another friend (who was 17) and go to a concert. THAT is how much my mother trusted me, and I raised my kids the same way. My friends whose parents enforced strict rules ended up with 18 year olds that were driving drunk and getting into trouble at college. She has to learn to navigate the world, and you have to let her make mistakes. And yes, her dad gets to take her to shows if he wants to, if I were you I would stop fighting that battle with him and let it go. You get to enforce your house rules when she is at your house.

This is such a non-issue here, and the least of my concerns as a parent. I really don't understand what you are worried about. But tell her your concerns and then let her make her own choices, she WILL rebel if you don't, the key is to keep an open line of communication with her about it. Listen to her, listen to her reasons for going. Listen to her solutions to problems you are concerned about. But stop being so authoritarian about it or you risk her breaking your rules and getting into real trouble because of it.

eta
I didn't say it was a bad idea to send a chaperone! If that will make you feel better about it, by all means make sure an adult goes with her. I told you my story to show you how mature I was at 15 and that my mother didn't baby me, not to suggest teens don't need some supervision.

I get that these concerts are a problem. Not because concerts are sooo dangerous that no one should go to one, ever, but because she's so into this "scene," she's lost perspective. She's not using her head. BUT, all that? That turns concerts into your huge, wonderful bargaining chip.

So tell her, "Okay, get a job and save money. If you want to spend that money on concert tickets, it's yours to spend. I won't give you money for concerts right now, but I'll consider a fund based on your next report card. Every A earns you $50 [or something like that].

This way, you're not completely denying her great passion in life; you're using that passion to steer her in a more responsible direction.

P.S. WHAT NERVY GIRL SAID.

You know, it can be nerve wracking as our children grow up and become responsible adults.

You daughter is 17 and she wants ( needs) to have independence.

Yes I allowed our daughter to go to a couple if concerts she wanted to go to when she was 16. Due to traffic in the Dallas area and heavy crowds, we comprised at age 16 regarding her driving to the concerts. I hired a car service which dropped her and friends off at the concert, picked them up and got them home safely.

Daughter has been in her own place about a year now , she's 19, and she thrives on the independence and responsibility.

We do a lot of texting. She let's me know she's safe without me having to know every detail of what she does.

Does she go to places I would prefer her not go to..., yes BUT she's 19 and at some point we have to trust our children to make good judgement calls because we raised them well and let go.

Maybe you have extra anxiety due to your experiences as a teen. Yes. Things nave changed with social media and all. Have faith in your daughter. Don't sell her short due to your fears. You're daughter is heading to college soon and she will do things with friends that you don't particularly like.

Stuff happens.. Even around you! We can keep our babies bubble wrapped and then expect them to be responsive independent adults.

She will make mistakes ( I know my daughter has) and they learn from those mistakes. As did the alcohol.,, just say no.

Best wishes and I hope you can get a grip on your feelings do your daughter will continue to communicate with you.

You and your daugther are not the same person. While the concert scene isn't your preference, she should be permitted to make mistakes under your protective umbrella while still NOT a legal adult. Even at 18 a legal adult drinking is an activity afforded to those 21 years and older.

In all seriousness, you could use the concerts as a bargaining chip for many things but ultimately if she likes the music and the lifestyle she may choose it against your wishes. That's what children do, they branch out on their own to try to become their own person something different than you.

It would serve you well to not expect her to understand your fears, she doesn't have enough life experience to have any point of reference of the your fears. The best you can do is let your NO's be NO and your YES's be YES. What happens when she is with her father, isn't something you get to dictate.

If you have done your job well as a mom trying to raise a responsible adult you have to trust the hard work you poured in to come out but how will you ever know if you never give her a chance to make mistakes and grow and learn from them.

The time will fly by quickly and you must prepare her to navigate this world with confidence and courage and fear, manipulation and trepidation.

It's an odd balancing act moving from parenting a child to being the parent of a young adult but it is healty to begin to make the transition now rather than later. It doesn't mean there aren't any rules in your house it is just that you lean toward giving more YES's and more responsiblility. I hope this helps.

I have to agree with you that concerts are just not my thing, but my husband (who turns 50 next month) loves going to concerts.

I completely understand your concerns, but you find many of the things you mentioned (alcohol, older men, fights) at a hockey game. The concerns you mentioned are valid, but they do exist outside of concerts. Try to remind yourself that the concerts aren't the problem. There are other places she can go that will have alcohol or older men. If those are things that really concern you, talk to her about those things in general. But don't limit the conversation to concerts.

Concerts are not childish. Many of the things that people do at concerts that bother you are childish, but enjoying live music is not childish. If your daughter really enjoys listening to the music and likes the band and can afford to buy the tickets and isn't getting into trouble, I'd let it go. Don't punish her because she enjoys something that you don't.

Your not wrong to worry about your 17 year old daughter. You're a good mom for being concerned. I think you just have to try and separate the word concert from your fears.

These things cost money.
Tell her you only have enough money to spend <what ever> amount on concerts and when the money is gone then no more concerts.
She's not going to worry until it happens to her or she grows up and has kids of her own to worry about.
With her Dad letting her do what ever she wants she's not going to listen to you so make your point about you not being able to afford her desired lifestyle and then don't give her any more money for it once you've hit your limit.

In a year, she will be moving out and won't need your permission.
My parents were extremely strict and when I left home, I did EVERYTHING they had forbidden, simply because I could.
With my daughter, I held the reins loosely, and she learned how to navigate the real world.

They are YOUR worries. Let's be serious here, the world is SAFER than it was even 20 years ago. Your daughter is almost an adult. Wouldn't you rather have mistakes made under care? I saw so many kids fail out of college because their parents never let them grow up..

Yes, it's your house, your rules, but she isn't a child.

When my brother started driving at 16, he took me, age 14, and our friends to concerts all the time. How did we afford it? Allowance and bday money. We even got served drinks at one place -and we lived to tell the tale.

You can express your concern to your daughter, but she does need to learn how to live.

Our experiences do matter. I think you are creating a problem where there isn't one. She's 17, of course she wants to go to shows, and I honestly couldn't imagine needing a chaperone at 17. This is helicopter parenting, and all it does it make kids unable to determine when they are or are not safe. It's time to stop thinking for your daughter and let here learn. You want her to be safe, well trust her and teach her, but she won't learn if you don't let her.

So the big answer to the alcohol question is no. It is illegal whether anyone tells or not. And if she asks again ask her who's parents allowed that and then check with said parents. she may be trying to get to you agree so she can be cool. There are way to many kids who drink and then have car accidents and die. Are you willing to chance that.

as far as the concert goes. I would allow it in safe venues but not in the unsafe one. And I would say yes based on you are driving her there and back.

You have to decide if you trust your daughter and her decisions.
If not, then you need to be up front and tell her the reasons why you do not trust her.

Of course also talking about the dangers of others is something we all need to be aware of as an adult, teen or child. I used to show our daughter articles about tragedies going on around town and then we would discuss them.
"How do you think this happened?"
"What should this person should have done to avoid this?"
" What would you do in this situation?"
"What is a solution for this problem in the future.?"
"How do you think this persons family and friends feel now that this happened to this person?"

Then the cost of these concerts. Is she paying for all of them? Can she afford all of the concerts she wants to attend? Does she keep up with her school work and grades? Is she doing her chores at home? Is she responsible? If so and you feel like she is mature, I do not see a problem. As others said once she is in her senior year, that is the last year you will have with her to guide her in good choices and how to stay safe, to recognize warning signs and ways to stay out of trouble.

The alcohol situation here in Texas is that is that if adult allows under aged people to drink in their house or on their property the owner of the property can be charged. There are exceptions for parents to allow their own child of certain ages to drink with a parent in their own home. But not other peoples children.

If an adult purchase alcohol for under aged people they can be charged.
At some places if they are under aged for drinking they can go into an establishment, but not allowed to drink.. The venue may make them wear a wrist band of a certain color or have their hand stamped.

I hear what you are saying about different venues that you do not tend to worry so much about, vs.. some sketch places with bad history.

In these cases you may tell her, If yo want to go to that venue, I will go with you.

We have to allow our children to at least prove to us they can handle situations. If you make rules and expectations and she follows them, then that is great and maybe the next time you can give her a little more freedom.

But the minute she breaks the rules or breaks your trust, you take that freedom back and start over with her having to gain your trust again. and TELL her this is what you will do if she does not honor your agreements.

I know you are worried. Believe me we all are. But we do not do any favors to our children if we do not allow them to prove themselves. And they may make mistakes, but at least they are still under our rules so we can guide them for a while longer.

When our daughter graduated from HS she was 17. She attended college over 2500 miles away. IF anything happened to her, it would have taken us an entire day to even get to her town by plane. We HAD to know she was going to be able to be responsible. That was the goal all along. To raise a kind, intellagent strong woman. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. We have to allow them to take responsibility and allow them the freedoms and allow them to to fail and take responsibility. It is so very hard, but it is just part of parenting.

I think you have to accept that in a little over a year, you will have an adult on your hands who will either make good decisions for herself or not.

You already know that from you last question, many people feel that going to concerts at this age is perfectly reasonable and that what she does at her dad's house is not under your control.

That said, who is paying for all of these concerts? Concert tickets can be very, very expensive (a show I wanted to see this summer was over $100 a ticket...we're not going). Plus throw is gas, parking, food and it's not a cheap adventure.

If she isn't paying for these herself, make her. That should solve part of the problem right there. If she has a job and is able to afford these, are there other bills you're picking up that she should pay? Like her phone or her car insurance? Make her pay for those first so that she doesn't have so much spending money.

If by some magic circumstance money isn't an issue, then come up with a reasonable number of shows she can attend when staying with you and put parameters around those (nothing more than an hour away by car, nothing at a club, etc.).

FWIW, I think you're focused too much on the concerts because it's easier to get hysterical about that than to look at the real issues, which are that her father is immature and she is drinking. No 17 year old who isn't drinking seriously asks for you to allow booze at her party. My guess is that life at dad's house is way wilder and looser than you think. For that, I'd suggest either therapy or talking to your attorney about. The concerts aren't the problem, your "cool dad" ex is.

The last time I checked rock concerts were very expensive. How can she afford to attend all of these concerts? I would refuse to pay for her to attend concerts, then she would only be able to go to concerts she could afford to pay for on her own. Also let her know that she can't spend all of her earnings on concerts. Make her responsible for paying some of her own expenses. Where I am from rock concerts are pretty safe as there is a lot of security at the venues.

I think you tell her exactly what you told us here. Then she is almost eighteen and is able to move out and do whatever she pleases and then you have very little way to even know if she is alright. I went to lots of concerts and am now in my fifties. Your choices you make have little to do with all the other people there, it has to do with yourself. At those concerts many years back there was also drinking, smoking, etc. etc. and I honestly can say I wasn't too impressed with that stuff and liked heading home sober. I am sure she has your values, because you have raised her. If she likes the music this concert thing will continue but I have a gigantic question, where on earth does she get the money for these concerts? I can't afford them at all now.She might be encouraged to stop going to so many concerts by learning to save her money. Good luck!!!

Who cares what other moms did at her age? You are her mother, and we all have different values. When she is at your house, she follows your rules. Teens, even at 17, still need boundaries, and still want their parents helping them reign themselves in. They don't need their dads to be their buddis, they need them to be their fathers. Thank goodness she has you to be her mother. My parents were divorced. My mother set no limits at all for me when I was a Senior in high school. My dad and step mother did. My friends all thought my mom was so awesome, but I hated it. I felt like she didn't care about me. I didn't feel safe going on dates from her house. It was creepy having my friends around her. I didn't want a 40 year old telling nasty jokes and sharing beer with my friends. I wanted a mother.

Your job is to do your best to raise your daughter to be a healthy, well-adjusted, self-sufficient woman, not to be the best-liked parent during her turbulent teen years. It sounds like you know how to do that. I disagree with the previous poster. You don't quit parenting just because they are leaving in a year. You don't say to the, "All the values I taught before don't matter anymore.” You aren't telling her she can't go to any concerts, you're just asking her to be careful and to go in moderation. It sounds like you are slowly letting her make her own choices, which is good.

Regarding delaying college attendance a year, I suggest that may be a good idea especially if she has yet to decide on a career path. Experience working can help her better know goals for her life. Also, if she's more focused on social involvement than school college attendance is likely to be a waste of money. By waiting your daughter will be more mature and hopefully make better decisions.

Sounds like, perhaps unwittingly, you're putting her in a position of feeling like she has to defend her dad. I urge you to never say anything critical of him and his choices. Focus on your values, explaining how you think and feel. Be willing to discuss situations with an open mind. Acknowledge her ideas in a neutral way. Agree concerts are fun for example. Try to find a compromise. Let your daughter decide based on her values.

This means having quiet conversations during which you mostly listen about her values and goals. Ask open ended questions. Show an interest in what she thinks and feels. Do not tell her your thoughts unless she asks to hear them.

Sounds like you have told her she can go to some of them with a parent nearby. That sounds reasonable to me. You've told her why. No need to answer her questions. Tell her you're not discussing it any further and walk away. If she insists tell her that if she continues your answer will be that she can't go. Then refuse permission until she accepts your terms. Then walk away.

It is our job as parents to be tge bad guy when we know what the teen/child asks to do is not good for them or us. You are not in competition with her father. He has his boundaries and you have yours. I suggest that if you could leave him and what he does or doesn't do out of your thoughts and make your decisions based on your values and what you see as what's best for yiur daughter you will find making decisions less complicated. They won't be easier, tho. It means you have to be clear about your goal of helping your daughter successfully navigate the teen years to adulthood.

Know that your daughter, just like the rest of us, have to decide our future and make our own mistakes. The more you insist she stays home and goes to college the more she's going to do the opposite. Let go.. hard I know. Live day by day. Help her with current life when she will allow it. Set minimum boundaries that ensure current safety and negotiate the rest. You've already compromised on concerts. Stop talking on that one.

Does you daughter pay for the concerts? If not she should. I agree things have changed. My parents used to drop us off at concerts and pick us up when I was 13 and older. I know from that experience I wouldn't let my daughter to go to a concert unsupervised until she's 30. :) She is your daughter and you know what is best for her. It is sad that her father can't be on the same page as you. More than likely she will be perfectly fine at the concert but there is that off chance that she won't so do what you feel is best for your daughter. Good luck