Angry Almost Pre Teen

Greetings Patsy, The problem you describe can be fixed by your (and Dad's?) approach to your daughter. Choose a time when she is not throwing a fit or upset at something. Sit down with her and tell her that you love her and you know she loves you, and that she's probably just as tired of fighting as you are. Tell her you won't be fighting any more. Let her know that you expect her to do what she's told, when she's told. You tell her all of this in a calm, respectful, loving manner...not with an asking tone and not with an aggressive tone. Then let her know that when she doesn't respect your expectations there will be a consequence. You (and Dad if there's one in the picture) need to decide on the consequences ahead of time. Example: If I tell you to pick up your things in the living room and you don't do it in a 'reasonable' (for a teenager) amount of time, then those things will go in a box, locked in a closet and you won't get them back til you prove you can pick your things up. If you yell or swear at me, you will go to your room for a half hour (no tv or phone...and time doesn't start til she calms down).
Remind her how precious she is to you, and that she is a cherished part of this family...and as such she has her own responsibilities too...such as picking up after herself and acting like a human being (no swearing and yelling).
Your job--no matter how mad you get, don't yell at her, don't ever call her names. Just get her to her room, or go to another room yourself. Don't engage in her adolescent level of arguing. You are the boss. Don't argue with her. Set the expectation and enforce it with consequences. And shower her with love, and notice what she does well and right.
Good luck.

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P.,

I've been reading a book called, "How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years" by Julia A. Ross, and it is helping me understand my budding teen's often difficult behaviors. My son is my only child whichhas made this change from the sweet-natured kid he was in elementary school to the (sometimes) venomous, parent-baiting jerk all the harder because we have always been so close. The book talks about the physical, emotional and developmental changes middle school age kids face, and how families can get through the transition with some sanity and dignity intact. I highly recommend it.

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I recommend the book " Parenting with Love and Logic for Teens" (or the title is really close to that). It has so many helpful ideas and insights. Also, I just attended a parenting seminar, and the presenter offers a free one hour consultation for parent/family coaching, I thought she was really good. Here is her info:
Stacey Witte
Family Matters
____@____.com
###-###-####

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I fell into arguing with my daughter and then my granddaughter. someone reminded me to "never argue with a child." When an adult argues with a child they are giving the child their own power. As a parent you are in charge. When you argue you've made yourself equal to the child. Reembering this helped me to stay quiet when I felt like giving back an answer.

I've found that not paying any attention to the child who wants to argue helps a lot. Tell them what you want done and in what time frame. Then turn off your hearing. Go to another room if you have to. IF what you've asked them to do is not done calmly enforce a consequence.

It is important to tell your child what you're going to do. As another mother said, choose a time when you're both calm. Stop the discussion if she wants to argue. If she continues to argue, leave the room. IF she doesn't come to you to ask about your plan then administer the consequence. This may get her attention causing her to wonder what is going on and you can then have that conversation.

For some children including them in a discussion on howto stop the arguing helps them to follow the plan. However, it sounds to me that your daughter is too angry to be able to have a calm discussion.

I would get her involved in counseling to find where the anger is coming from and how both of you can deal with it. A counselor may be able to help her process her anger so that she has less.

I suspect the core reason for her arguing is anger and without addressing the anger changing her behavior will be difficult. So....don't work on changing her behavior. Work on changing your reaction. Put yourself back in control. She's in control now. DO NOT ARGUE WITH A CHILD.

When my granddaughter is calm I do listen
to her side of the situation and sometimes I find that she has a good reason to suggest something else. But if she's emotional (tears or argumentative) I try very hard to not respond. It's not easy.

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I love Margie C's response!!
How can you find balance AND let her know you cherish her?? That's so important!

A few years ago I participated in a descussion group at our church on the '5 love languages' books by Gary Chapman: "5 Love Languages of children" & "5 L L of teenagers!"
By ~ 5 pr 6 years old, you can ID a child's love language - how do they show you love? Do they give you drawings & other little gifts? Do they LOVE to cuddle? Which love language tells them YOU love THEM? We all need all 5, but usually one is 'most meaningful.'

Of course you can give consequences, & stick to them! & the time to set guidelines for behavior - & consequences in later teen years is NOW!!
The Languages he's IDed are: Quality time, words of appreciation, touch, gifts, & service.

One of the gals in the group - a social worker (!) realized that her teen son's language was 'words of appreciation,' & every time he did something around the house, she criticized him!
-- He'd prepare the recycling, but would forget to do the cans --
"Oh! You didn't do the cans!!"
-- he'd mow the lawn (they're in the country - so BIG lawn)
"Oh! You forgot to mow under the trees!! The rest looks good, . . . "

So she talked with him about it, & asked "would it work better for you if I thanked you for doing the job, & when it's time to do it again, reminded you "Please be sure & get the cans!"?" & he thought that was awesome, & agreed it was tough to work hard on something, & feel she just picked on him for not doing it 'right!' Over the last couple of years, she has commented on how he has done more arround the house, & much more willingly.

During the teen years it can get harder to show affection - examples in the book inc. a kid feeling unloved because his folks came to all his games (quality time) when he was in grade school, but now they rarely make it! I have a dance teacher in her 60s, who still remembers that her mother (a concert pianist) NEVER came to see her dance - even when she was dancing professionally.

Appropriate, loving touch is especially important during the teen years, & from both parents. That may change; a biff on the shoulder rather than a hug, a gentle hand on the arm . . . & Chapman comments on girls needing their dads (appropriatly, again!) to touch them & not avoid them.

I rhighly recommend these books to any parents - they have a copy of the children's version at the birth center where I do postnatal massage for the moms, & I smile every time I see it!

& if you want to improve your relationship with hubby - check out the original '5 Languages of Love' book - he gives lots of personal stories, & a number of marriages have turned arround after couples attend a workshop & realize they aren't showing their love in a way their partner can 'read!'

blessings

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"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..." book by Faber and Mazlish. And family counselling. She sounds very hurt.

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Im a little confused, this is about a teenager, but you say your a mother of one girl who is in headstart? Is this a stepchild?

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You can't talk to a child who is arguing with you, so my suggestion is to ignore her. When she uses profanity, either take away privileges or charge her a quarter each time she uses a bad word. If she takes things away from others, take the toy away from both until they can get along. As far as not going to her room, go to yours and lock the door. Don't talk to her until she acts civilly. Remember, kids want attention, and even negative attention is attention. Therefore, if you ignore her outbursts, she will eventually get the message that you won't give her attention when she acts immaturely.

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Seems like he or she may be mildly depressed and this is its way of expressing itself. Besides counseling, which I think could be a good outlet, is the child getting a good balanced diet and exercise? The dark winter days really affect some people.

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P.:

There is a program called "Total Transformation" that will correct bad attitudes almost over night. Give them a call at 1-800-259-1840. I've recommended them to other parents and they said it worked like a miracle.

Good luck,

V. J.

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I had a problem with my 11 year old son who decided that he was going to argue with me about EVERYTHING. He didn't necessarily pick fights, it wasn't really done in an angry way; but if I asked him to do something, ie give his brother's toy back, go to his room, take out the trash, etc, it took me ten minutes of bickering with him about WHY he needed to do it. It was exhausting. Finally I told him that every time he argued with me he was going to have to stop immediately and go do the dishes - whether it was two dishes or an overflowing sink full. He had to do the dishes a handful of times, after that I just had to mention dishes when he started his discussion, and that was the end of it.

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As someone els mentiond, Love & Logic has some really great tools to deal with this. Also Counceling is a good idea too. Make sure they are Love & Logic trained as this will really help you out a lot. It had really done wonders in our house.

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I would take her into a counselor. Once she turns 13 she can refuse to go to a counselor and there is nothing you can do about it. But at this point you can still make her go.
Sounds like this behavior could be a couple of things. And it also sounds like if you don't get a handle on it, she may head out of control.
Sometimes it is just the little things that can make the difference. And you are so close to the situation, that it may take a counselor to show you the other side.... and have one of those great "wow, I never thought of that" moments.

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Personally, I wouldn't talk to her. Sounds like she's pushing your buttons on purpose and testing her limits. I'd give her a BIG dose of tough love. Take away all of her stuff except the mattress and one blanket. This includes clothes. Tell her that she has to change her tune if she wants anything back and as long as she's acting like a child you'll treat her like one. Pick out what clothes she'll wear for the day. If she has a completely good day, give her one item back at a time. Talk to her teachers, see if the problem is just at home or school as well. Are her grades slipping? I know a lot of schools will work with parents and send home weekly progress reports (or you can see about having them emailed).
Another thing, when she starts yelling at you send her to her room (or take her depending on how difiant she is). Tell her you love her and close the door. Make her stay in there until her tantrum is over. But definetely remember to tell her you love her and nothing else. For one, it will make her think. Sencond, she can't argue with you if you're giving her the cold shoulder. I hope this helps even a little (or a lot ;) Good luck, stay strong

They are never to old for "time-out/naughty corner"- 1 minute for each year of their age...my 10 year old straightens up after 10 minutes in the naughty corner. Does fine for a while and when the arguing starts I ask if the naughty corner needs company. She either thinks about what is wrong and things are figured out and get better without arguing or if she is just in to mood to keep it up, in the corner she goes. AND if she insists on arguing while in the naughty corner, I add a minute for each outburst without arguing back with her. After the timer has stopped we sit down and talk about what happened and how we could avoid future arguments. I don't have to do it very often anymore, but it is effective!

Take everything away. Take it all away and let her know that she can earn things back by behaving in a civil manner. At the end of each day sit down and talk about how you felt she did and give her something back for any good behavior. If she messes up the next day then take it back.