Advice Sought to Help Me Survive with My Terrible 'Tween

This is a phase I am NOT looking forward to, at all! I have 2 boys though, so I'm anticipating a somewhat easier time, though my youngest certainly knows how to be a drama-queen.

I think I'd take a slightly different tack than most of the other respondants (at first, at least). Instead of just dumping all the responsibility onto your your daughter ("You don't like it? You do it!"), the next time she criticizes something you've done/made, ask her how she would do it differently. Ask her for HER advice, as calmly, honestly, and sincerely as possible. Let her know that her opinion is wanted and respected. If her suggestions are acceptable and reasonable to you, then ask her if she would like to be responsible for seeing it through. If she agrees, great! If she says no, then tell her that although you appreciate her suggestions, you prefer to do it your own way. Really, all she is wanting is to be treated more like the adult she is becoming. Hormones can play terrible games with an otherwise sweet, wonderful child. You have to remember she IS still a child.

As far as mocking and belittling goes, that is just out and out unacceptable. Having your husband step in is not going to change anything because the issue is between you and your daughter. She is obviously testing you, the dominant woman in the household. I think she is looking for her place in line. The key is keeping your cool, once you lose your temper and start yelling, you have given her the power. As difficult as it is, don't let her push your buttons. Absolutely let her know that her disrespect will not be tolerated and figure out what the consequences will be if it continues; loss of privilages, she'll have to do something for you (extra chores, wash your car), loss of allowance,etc... Let her know that if she has something constructive to say, you welcome it, but mocking and disrespect is not acceptable.

And don't forget the golden rule: Treat others the way you would like to be treated!

Good luck!!

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Hi D.-
You almost told my life story with my daughter who just turned 12. Hormones!!! What I am trying to do(and seems helpful at times) is take her out every now and then and have alone time with her(just her and I)- we love to go to the mall and then have a nice dinner somewhere that she likes. This way she feels like I am giving her "special attention". My father was a high school teacher growing up and he told me that teens and tweens thrive on attention. When my daughter and I go out we sit and talk about everything- Its great bonding and she realizes that I can be "cool"-LOL.

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Dear D.,

I have raised seven children, and my seventh, a twelve-year-old, has forced me to kick my parenting skills up a notch. He is very much like your daughter. If you don't do another thing, buy the Total Transformation CD's!!!!! I heard about them on radio ads. They are truly transforming, and so easy to implement. I have no affiliation with this company, on my word of honor. Our kids are good kids, but they need discipline and they need to know where the boundaries are. I won't give any more advice because it's all there on the CD's, the first two of which will turn things around immediately. You are not alone, and we all have the duty to be outstanding parents, not just average parents, because the times in which we live demand it of us.

Call 800.460.2235 or wwwthetotaltransformation.com (I just got this off one of the cd's.)

Best of luck, and have your husband listen to the CD's too.

By the way...I have a teaching credential and two masters degrees in counseling and school psychology and still am amazed by the content of this material!

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Guess what , the worst is still to come. 17 year olds are the worst because they think they really do know best and they are biding their time untill they turn 18- all the while thinking that at last they will be in charge of themselves. SO SET YOUR BOUNDARIES NOW . There is nothing wrong with letting her know she " getting too big for her pants" and bringing her down a couple of notches. Time out,away from you so you don't have to see the uglies , or even a swat in the rear if necessary. I raised thre to adulthood on my own , so believe me when I tell you that if you don't set limits now -- what can you expect when she's 15 ?? By the way my kids now admire that I never backed down from the teen tantrums.

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I think if she is soo critical of you and the things you do, then ask her to do those things herself. If she thinks she can do them better then let her try. She is old enough to do a lot of things for herself. Maybe she might have more of an appreciation for the things you do. Good Luck.

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D.,

My heart goes out to you. This happens at this age...and your daughter is looking to see how you respond--sometimes the parent who is the warmest, the most understanding can bear the brunt of the painful stuff because she knows you WILL withstand it and still be warm and understanding. Talking about it isn't a bad idea--you can tell her that how everyone treats each other in your family is, in fact, very important, just as important as grades, homework, etc...and point out when she says things that are painful that "it's not okay." You can ask her if she's aware of her tone, and ask her to work on it. All of this should be said in a kind voice--I know, impossible sometimes...this is how we try to deal with this stuff at the school I work at--sometimes it's more effective at school than at home because there is more social pressure at school to assimilate; however, it could be something you try at home... Good luck!

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I am, what most others dread.... a high school English teacher. I deal with hundreds of teens a day. Of course you have already seen and read that you are not the only one who goes through such situations. I am of the opinion that this is the time in kids lives' in which they learn accountability. If they are not held accountable (with consistency) this will get worse through middle and high school. In my opinion, accountability does not always have to come in the form of harsh discipline. It can be in the form of letting your child know that she is hurting you. IF you chose your moment carefully, at a time you think she is really listening and not in the heat of an argument, it can chip away through the tough "independence" wall that she is building and hit that little thing called a conscience. But you have to continue the accountability.

The good news - This might be painful now, and if all else fails there is something really interesting that happens during the Sophomore year of high school. After Christmas break sophomores become human. They are more rational, caring and compassionate people. This is after 11 years of observation - and I have never seen a year when this didn't happen. Those kids who have been held accountable for several years make this turn with greater compassion and readiness to be a pre-adult. Those who were not held accountable, still turn, but to less of a degree because they do not have an appreciation for others and adult figures around them if they have not been taught to respect them.

I hope this helps.

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WE dealt with that issue with our daughter as well. I finally gave up trying to help her, or give her advice, or do things to please her. I dealt with life as it came each day. It was very clear that I was not her friend, and I was put here to be her mother. We had to start taking things away from her to make her realize how good she really had it. It brought her back down to earth and kept her from being a spoiled brat. Actually it was ME doing the disciplinary stuff, and the taking away, my husband (her father) is not a disciplinarian, and he let her get away with all kinds of things, when she was younger, and just let her get away with pretty much everything.

i grew up in a very strict family, my grandparents were old country raised, and that carried over into my upbringing, so I am very much strict in the way i bring up my children and how i structure my life. when I put my foot down, it does not change.

I took away her car, took away her cell phone, took away many of the other luxuries she enjoyed, that all her other friends had and enjoyed. Let's just say she started calming down after she realized I would not back down and give in to her.

It was hell during the time I took things away, but in the long run she has become a better person for it. She is a very well mannered, well adapted young lady who is 21 years old now, and who sees how life is, and she knows how to administer discipline, I let our son stay with her and her fiance on the weekends occasionally, so she can get a taste of what parenting is all about, and yes, she totally sees how difficult it is to discipline a willful child.

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Hi D.,
This may seem harsh, but I somehow think your daughter is needing a swat on the butt. She is certainly testing you and we all know that conversation is the way to go, but you can ignore her for a year or so, or stop her mouth (I told you it is harsh.) I have an 18 year old and have been through it! You are on the right track of not trying to be her friend, and your husband may be able to take control by telling her she may not talk to you like that.
Also, think about letting him do everything (I mean everything!) with her and step away for a week or so. That may give both of you a break from each other and set a new tone. Have you tried to video her and have her watch herself being this way? Just a thought. This will pass, but it's endless now...
D.

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It sounds like there is some competition somewhere. She feels like she has to put you down, so she can be bigger and better... just a thought.

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Dear D.,

That sounds like Hell on Earth to me. You need to stop doing all sorts of things for her. Tell her no and that she can do things for herself. Also, she needs to be reminded about honoring thy mother and thy father. I, of course, do not know your religious choice, but I am absolutely sure that all religions carry that rule.

I grew up in Arkansas, in the 1930s and believe me things were a loooot different those days. I only talked back to my mother one time in my life, and that didn't work at alll...and by the way I was close to 60 when I did that one. Like Oprah says, she wouldn't have lived if she had talked back.

You and your husband need to get your heads together out of earshot of little missy, and come up with a plan. She is an intelligent person, be creative and do not nag or punish, you need to not keep the thing going, this needs to be stopped immediately and forever.

I used to teach 6 grade - oh man, what little meanies. Not all, but enough. They just need to witness old fashioned respect. ...and to punish and nag is not showing old fashioned respect. Remember that song by Aretha Franklin"
RESPECT um huh. That is what it is alllll about.

Sincerely an good luck, C. N.

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I think she may be testing your love and her limits. Its a terrible age to go through. Just be the mom. As much crap as she gives you, only give love in return. You have to be the 'bigger' person. She has to be disciplined when she goes so far as to 'belittle' you. If you mean she is actually insulting you, that should not be allowed. At this age, I guess you should be taking privileges or electronics, something like that. Make real clear rules and don't tolerate any flagrant disrespect.

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D.,

I am glad to read that you are not trying to be your daughters friend. So often, today's parents are under the philosphy that we have to be our childs friend and let them act as crazy and disrespecful as they want. We think they will grow out of it. I have seen some case where the children have, but that is very few. You have to set ground rules for your daughter. There should be consequences for her actions....

It sounds like she does not respect you. Are you the type of parent that threatens and doesnt back it up. If so, try saying what you mean and reenforcing it.

In my house, anyone under 18 and not paying bills can't talk back. Meaning, I have the last word! :-)

Almost forgot...when they get to middle school, they loose their minds. Stay consistant no matter what!

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Dear D.:

Clearly you are a thoughtful and strong woman and a wonderful role model for your up and coming daughter. I am sorry to hear you are getting the short end of this 'teenager stick' and for a few years you may just have to be as strong as possible. It is nice that you have your husband's support. It is my sense (and I could be wrong) that she is targeting you because you are strong. You said she is bright and most bright children will not bully the soft people. It is also my sense that she loves you deeply (and you she) or this wouldn't be so hard...and it is probably hard on her as well...even if she seems to enjoy it.
It is a very hard day when you realize that you are capable of being mean to your Mother, and a soberly maturing day when you are old enough to just choose not to...and choose to respect her.

Be clear and unwavering and pick your battles. She looks to you for a standard. It can be incredibly wearing to have to deal wth non-stop abuse so set your limits and she can sit in her room when the uglies come out. Get time alone.

Remember: There will never be an appropriate time to speak to or about your mother with disrespect. Not even after she is dead.

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I just recently read a great book about raising daughters - it may offer you some insight.

This is it:

GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS: RAISING CONFIDENT AND COURAGEOUS DAUGHTERS by JoAnn Deak and Teresa Barker

It discusses the various phases of girlhood and what's "underneath" all the stuff they do. I found the middle schooler/early teen section really fascinating and insightful. Perhaps you will find it helpful.

One of the ongoing themes in the middle school years from Dr. Deak's perspective is this concept of "camouflage" - which is otherwise known as complete and total pack-like behavior. Apparently this deep need to blend in with the pack is a very particular and important phase in the emotional & social development of girls. Underneath most bitchy and demanding behavior at that age is generally deep insecurity & desire to blend in with the pack...along with a lot of hormonal changes that make them behave totally irrationally. If you can let her tone & attitude roll off your back, stay calm when she's stormy and respond purely to her behavior (also check out "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child" - it's pretty genius), you'll eventually get less testing as well.

Good luck, I think this is the hardest age for kids and parents alike, and do not look forward to it with my own daughter! Keep focused on the girl you know she is at heart - and on the fact that it's just another few years to 16, when she should start to mellow out again.

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I haven't raised any teenagers yet (my daughter is only three) but I was a terrible teenager myself so I can offer something from that perspective. You say your daughter is criticizing everything you do. Well, I say give her a taste of the work you put into cooking and cleaning for her each day. Yes, that's right, let her do it. For one day, or preferably more, sit back and let her plan a couple of meals (or at least dinner), sort, wash, fold and put away the laundry, clean each room, and write a grocery list (obviously she can't do the shopping alone but you can certainly drag her along). And then, when everything has calmed down a bit, do as someone above suggested and let her know that it hurts you when she mocks and criticizes. Let her know that you work hard, both inside and outside the home, to give her a good life. But understand that you are expecting a lot of her if you expect her to get why you do all this for her. If you feel you are doing too much and are feeling resentful because of it, it may be time to redefine your priorities -- and don't expect her to appreciate it until much, much later. Also, you didn't mention whether she does any chores, and if so what. I'd try giving her more responsibilities and following through with her to make sure she's doing her share. She needs to understand that work goes into running a household and that she is part of it. Good luck!

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I also have a daughter who turned 11 last month. so far she has different issues. However, I was told to read a book called " I hate you, but could you first take me and sheryl to the mall?" It has helped with my daughter who is almost 15.. the best thing I got from this book is dont take it personnally(Sp). It is worth the read, also for school issues with friends, more on the lines of my younger daughters issues, there is a book Queen Bees and wanna bees. This is also good. The same old advice you have heard is still true. consistency and pick your battles. Bite your lip sometimes and let her vent, she obviously feels safe with you. good luck P.S. I am a psychiatric nurse and it is still difficult raising girls of this age.

T. W

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you might need to have a family meeting and lay out your ground rules again, including showing respect to you when she disagrees. Perhaps a visit to a family counselor could help you set this up. there must be consequences that are uncomfortable to her when she breaks your rules.
P. Stanton, mother of 3 young adults and HS teacher

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As my mother would say, "welcome to the club". This the time where we as moms will be challenged. I have a 10 year old son. One of things that I would suggest is to give "minutes". Let me explain (my sister came up with this one). You can start out with however many hours you want, the object is to break them down into minutes. When she misbehaves, depending on the severity, tell her that you want 30 minutes from her. for each time she belittles you, add on minutes, how many is up to you. I did not read what her favorite hobbies are, but the best time to use it is when she REALLY wants to go somewhere (i.e. party, movies with friends, skating, shopping) and have do housework or have her write out to you why is treating you with contempt during her "minutes". She may not be happy when you do it but stick to your guns, don't give in. You can also stop going out of your way and make her work for things that she wants. You are responsibe for her NEEDS! I know that it is not easy to being a parent but I also realize that the behavior she showing towards you is not helpful it is actually disrespectful. Please understand that NO child has the right their parents in a negative manner. Counseling may be of some help, but try and use the "minutes" system it works well for me. Please don't allow her to develop a negative pattern towards you! And never let her think that she has got or is going the get the best of you. Dad's not getting it I think because he using the "gentle" approach! It is okay get a little tough with her. Find a reminder how difficult things are going to be if she grows up with the same kind attitude she gives to you, what it will be like with someone else who may not appreciate it. You sound like a good mom just don't allow to think that you are not. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and yet we do it with a smile on our faces everyday. Good luck to you and I hope that this helps even if for a moment. :)