Adjust Daughter to a New Baby

B.,

I have a son 27 months and a daughter 7 months. The first few months were a real challenge. Have someone bring your older child to the hospital to visit, but be sure you are NOT holding the new baby when they arrive, this way you can give your older child all your attention when she enters the room.

Try to include her in everything, some places will even let the child be in the room while you have an ultrasound so they can "see" the baby. Let her listen to the heartbeat if you can.

Good luck!!

B.,

My first son has sever learning disabilities, so when his brother was born when he was four, I had the same problems, but worse. Whatever he was feeling about things, he could not express them.

What I opted to do was tell him it was "his" baby in mommy's tummy. I did it throughout my pregnancy. When we asked him where the baby was, he pointed to his own tummy and smiled. When he saw his brother for the first time and we laid the baby across his lap, he put one arm under the baby's neck, and the other between his legs and under the baby's back, pulled him close, and started rocking him. I instantly knew I had done the right thing.

Unfortunately, 20 years ago he could not stay in the hospital with me, but it would have been much better for him. It was his first time away from Mommy-EVER. I do not think I would have had him there for the delivery, though. Seeing Mommy go through labor pains would have been too scarey for him because he would not have understood why Mommy was hurting; that it was really a good thing and not a bad one.

You need to just search inside to know what is best for your daughter. What ever you decide, make sure to explain to her, in terms she can understand, what is going to happen. No matter what you do, in two years they will be fighting over toys, pulling each other's hair, and be each other's partner in crime.

Good Luck

B.,

My children were born 7 years apart and I thought it would be easier, but it isn't. The same problems exist with each age group so what I've learned from my own experiences and those of my family are: Keep your daughter at home when you have the baby. Have someone at your house with her so it won't be a huge upset. Get her use to it by leaving this person with her for a few hours. Eventually, have this person be there at bed time, and then you leave before dinner and come back after she is asleep. After awhile, let this person be there at night and in the morning so your daughter is not surprised to see them and not you. You don't want her at the hospital, if she sees you in pain she will hate that child for hurting her mother, she won't understand. Also, if God forbid something goes wrong (c-section, problem with delivery, anything) it will just scare her, you too probably and she doesn't need to be there for that. Jealousy is unavoidable, but if you still give your daughter one on one time, it will be easier. Also, keep her in daycare. That way you will not have to listen to her whine or deal with tantrums while you get use to being a mommy of two. Get in the habit of reading to both kids, if you are feeding the baby, have your daughter sit by you and read her a book, she will feel special that she has your attention and is part of caring for baby. Buy her a doll, life size, let her learn to change diapers and feed and put baby to bed. Take care of yourself, get rest, don't be all to everyone, just take care of your family.

Best of Luck
J.

Hi B., My sons are almost 19 monts apart and yes it took some getting use to for my first son to see that mommy could not do everything for him instantly because I had to care for the new baby but he finally did. It will take time is what I am saying. I involved him as much as I could however with having him at the delivery I was glad I did not. He came to visit us but that did not go over well either seeing mommy in the bed and the new baby. Plus I was able to bond with my second son the way I was able to bond with my first son. They are great brothers now and play so well. They get jealous at times and fight but what siblings don't. Well good luck and whatever you decide will work out.

N.

Hi B.! I am due in December also, and I also have a 15 month old daughter. However, this is my second time around playing this game :-) I have a 9 year old daughter and 7 year old son (also 19 mos apart). I have similar concerns, because my youngest isn't quite at the stage yet where she can understand that there is a baby on the way. For your sanity, you may want to see if you can adjust having your daughter stay just overnight at a friend or family members house a few times before the baby is born, this way she (and you) won't feel anxious or overwhelmed when you have to leave her when you deliver. I wouldn't recommend having her stay with you in the hospital, as it can be a little scary for the little ones. My first daughter was very on edge when she came to visit me at the hospital, because seeing me with an IV and bandages and not really being able to get out of bed scared her.
As far as having enough time for both babies, you will be amazed at how easily you will adjust to it! It is so natural, you will wonder why you ever worried about it. And don't feel guilty about having to work! You are working to support your family and you should feel good about that! The time you spend with your daughter is that much more special because you appreciate it so much! Good luck with everything!!!

Hi B.,

I have three children, my oldest are 22 months apart, and i also had the same anxiety. What i did to help me and my oldest(girl) was to include her,while i was preggy i would read to the both of them and she would sing to the baby her abc's or whatever songs she knew, and to this day, she still does, she would get the diapers for me and throw them away,she wouldl bring the baby toys(just make sure u remind her she can only do this when u ok the toy), or the powder for diaper changes, she would also help in the bathing,she would get me the nursing blanket to cover myself and when the baby was old enough she would shake the bottle,and would also sing to the baby so that i could feed him. It doesnt take much to get a little girl to get involved in a baby, trust me, they have the instinct and want to be a mommy. What you can do also is buy her a doll, that's her baby and show her all the "cool" things she'll be able to do. Its a lot of fun, and remember the things oyu show her now will be the things she will want to do with her daughter. Just relax and dont be so nervous, she'll be able to feel that.
I now have a 7 month old and was nervous bc, well, what the heck was i gna do? and how was i gna "love" another baby..but u just do, sometimes you think that you wont have enough love, but you do. Plus, im able to enjoy my third more than i did the other two bc they help me, they get his diapers and blankets and toys and drinks and they can make him LAUGH like no other. Its great! anyway, i hope this helps, let me know...

C.

Hi B.,

It sounds like your not happy about working and leaving your kids. If you can afford to, stay home. Now is the time your kids need you, and unless you make a fabulous salary, you usually wind up not making a whole heck of a lot, and you waste precious time with them. Two babies that young require a whole lot of attention, and there is no better person for the job then mom or dad.

Here are some links to help you decide if it’s financially feasible to stay home:
http://www.familyandhome.org/topics/affordability.htm
http://www.kiplinger.com/personalfinance/tools/managing/a...?
http://www.daycaresdontcare.org/math.htm

As far as sleeping away from you kids, if you don’t want to, and there’s no immediate need to, then don’t. Why do something neither of you want to do?

Most hospitals these days allow siblings to be present at the birth as long as there is someone there to watch them and care for them while you and your husband/coach are busy with labor and delivery. Maybe your sister or a friend could stay with your daughter at the hospital? There are even sibling classes that you might want to check into for your daughter.

Good luck.

Hi B.,

First, congrats!! When I had my second my daughter was 2 1/2, so she is a little older than yours. I had the same concerns as you!! I think as far as your hospital stay, that is going to be the only rest you are going to have. See how your daughter is w/ you staying there. It will be hard at the hospital for her b/c there isn't much to do. My daughter hated coming to see me and her brother at the hospital! And if you feel bad about leaving them, either see if you can stay home, or work part time. But believe me, you are going to be amazed of the love you have for that new baby, and you won't be able to imagine life with out him/her. I would just keep telling your daughter how important a big sister is, and keep her included. Letting her come to doctor appts, picking out clothes etc. You and her will do great! M.
PS you will also be amazed of how well your orginizational skills will get better w/ 2 babies

My girls are 26mo apart, the youngest and my new one (due in Nov) will be 25mo apart.

Does your daughter go to your appointments? I loved this book called _Hello Baby_ when expecting my second, and the 'baby' loves it now that we're expecting another! It talks about the baby growing inside and how Mommy will go to the hospital to have the baby. Their favorite page has been the one when the doctor listens to the heartbeat. It makes it all real and ok to them.

Once the baby is here, let your daughter do as much as she wants (which could be nothing, could be a lot) to help you out. You probably won't get to spend a lot of time with her w/o the baby, but while you are feeding baby you can be reading to your oldest, playing with her, etc.

Good luck! My girls are the best of friends, I love to see them play together.

WHEN MY SON AND WIFE HAD A NEW BABY COMING THE OTHER ONE WAS JUST A LITTLE OVER A YEAR OLD BUT THEY LET HER LISTEN TO THE BABY MOVE AND ENCLUDEED HER IN EVERYTHING. RIGHT BEFORE THE BABY CAME THEY BOUGHT HER A CHEAP BABY DOLL, WHEN THE MOTHER AND BABY CAME HOME THE DOLL WAS WRAPPED IN A BABY BLANKET SHE BROUGHT IT HOME ALONG WITH MOM ,DAD AND NEW BABY SISTER. WHEN THE NEW BABY WAS BEING BREAST FED SHE WOULD PUT HER BABY TO HER LITTLE CHEST AND DO AS MOM WAS DOING. THIS WORKED OUT GOOD SHE AND MOM SHARED THEIR BABY TALK. NOW SHE IS IN COLLAGE AND STILL HAS HER FRITZIE THAT WAS BORNED THE DAY HER SISTER WAS BORN.
GOOD LUCK I AGREE THE MORE YOU LET HER GET ENVOLVED WITH THE NEW BABY THE MORE SHE WILL FEEL NEEDED.LET HER GO WITH YOUR HUSBAND TO THE HOSP.

Hi B.
Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your second baby! My 2 children are 13 months apart. I think that since they are so close in age, they are very close friends. Their ages are now 11 and 12.
I don't think it would be a good idea for all of you to spend the night at the hospital. (enjoy the small break) Your husband should visit often with your older child and then go back home for the night where your first child is more comfortable. It's only for a couple days, and then everyone will be back home.
You will see that everything will work out fine!
Good luck

A.

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I have 2 boys 20 montths apart. I breast fed my 1st child until he was 1 and began breast feeding my new child right away. My 1st child was probably a little "spoiled" because I did not think we were going to have another,but her came #2. Nick, #1, was ok at the hospital, but when Alex, #2, came home it was another story. It is something you just have to work at. Because of my breastfeeding my husband interacted a lot more with nick at times and I just had to set aside special time for him. Nick is just getting use to having Alex around within the last month, Alex is currently 7 1/2 months old. Nick would sit on him, knock him over, and slap him. It is over whelming, but wonderful when they begin to play. Now I will be waiting for Alex to start taking Nick's toys and start all over agian. I reccomend you start getting child #1 out of your bed now so she does not link it to the new baby. Just remember all children are different and special and we are lucky to have them. Relax and realize things happen.

Best of Luck, B.

That's about the same age apart my kids are, my son is 8 weeks old now and my daughter (21 months) is just now starting to act better. For the first month and half it was awful. She was so jealous she would try to hit him, be very rough, act up, etc. I tried preparing her for it and worked with her on it since the day he was born. I've seen improvements lately. The biggest thing I can suggest is to be patient, it's a huge transition for the older sibling, one they don't understand. Make sure you continue to give the older one plenty of one on one fun time/attention. Work with the older on to understand "gentle" so they are not so rough when they touch the baby.

Hello...I have two boys and they are 17.5 months apart. I am a stay-at-home mom so I was with my oldest son ALL the time. I worried about him adjusting to the new baby and if he would feel jealousy or anger towards the new baby. I didn't want him to feel like we were bringing this new baby home to take his place or to take any love or time away from him. But I think all my worries were for NOTHING! He adjusted WONDERFULLY to the new baby, No jealousy-No issues AT ALL! It was amazing. I think at his age (17 months) He didn't quite understand everything going on. And I made sure that when family and friends came to visit in the hospital they were to give all their attention to my oldest FIRST and then they could see the baby. My oldest receieved gifts and lots of praise and he thought it was all about HIM and not his new baby brother. Good Luck, Things will work out. My kids are now 3 and 20 months and the best of friends :) Also, Have you checked with the hospital to see if your oldest can even stay the night? Where I delivered they weren't allowed too. So my parents stayed with my son at our house until we came home.