2 Part Question: Disrespectful Mother-in-law & Getting Rid of Pet Urine

Hi M.,

I feel very sad for you and the situation. I unfortunately don't have any ideas for the urine except to check at a pet store and talk to the workers for advise. They have sprays and things for carpet--maybe they can work on the poodle.

As for the MIL, I would let it go, and just know that from now on, you should NOT trust her to take care of things for you, and you should NOT pay for something knowing that she probably will NOT pay you back. You have 2 children and need to be saving your money for their needs. She is obviously only responsible for herself now, and doesn't need to take your resources as it is essentially "stealing" from your family.

If you are not able to clean up the gift, and there is a chance the husband's brother & wife (who gave the poodle) will be at your house looking for it, you might want to explain what happened and how sad you are that your daughter wasn't able to enjoy their gift due to the negligence of your MIL. It would probably be best for your husband to mention it to them so you don't look like a upset DIL/SIL.

Remember that over time, it's more important to keep "people" as your top priority--and not possessions. When your daughter is 12 she needs a grandma more than a rocking poodle.

Best wishes to you--

I hoe you still get this!! I got this recipe off the internet, and it works great. I used it on my carpets to get rid of cat urine, and it was wonderful, and the best part, it cheap!! Mix 8 ounces of Hydogene Perozide, with 1 teaspoon of baking soda, and one drop of liquid hand soap. You can double it for large jobs. Just soak the effected area throughly. You may need to repeat it. Check after one dose after it has dried, and do it again if needed. You can use this on just about anything...carpet, upholstry, wood, concrete, clothes, just about anything that can be made wet. Good luck

Pure white distilled vinegar to get rid of the smell. pour it on but don't drench it as to ruin it. leave it sit for a day or two and then do it again if the smell is still there. I used it on hardwood floors and teh smell was gone after 2 or 3 tries.

I also know that when people who have had cats move out of trailers/mobile homes. Owners use pure vinegar to clean the carpets to get rid of the smell.

It really works. Maybe you should pour some on the mother in law too!LOL

M., if you care to wash the toy, there is a product that will probably eliminate the urine odor from it and sanitize it as well. It's called Basic-G and it's made by Shaklee. Once we had a cat that urinated on our bedspread. I washed it with Basic-G and when removed the bedspread from the washer all the odor was gone and it smelled fresh and new.
If you go to my web site you can read about it and if you'd like to try it, you can place your order right from the site.
Remember I'm offering a 10% rebate on your first order. Go to http://www.shaklee.net/giftsfromnature/product/BasicG
to learn more about Basic-G. Or call me at 1.800.724.5689 and I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have.
Hope this helps.
E.

M.,
You've already received some great advice about the pet urine smell. Hope it works. As for the MIL...

I've been married 21 years to a wonderful man. We have 8 children. We've never had family closer than 250 miles away. Family is very important to me, but I've also realized that family is what you make it. We have a large extended family now, close by, but none of them are blood relatives. Do not cut your family ties.

First and foremost, I honestly believe your MIL did you wrong (and knows she did) and I totally understand your hurt feelings. Take a few days to calm down before you act, otherwise it will be a reaction and your emotions might get the best of you. If you want her to be a part of your children's lives you have to carefully consider how you want to handle this with her. Stop and think about her personality and how she takes being confronted. Nothing cuts deeper than words, so choose yours carefully and do not attack her with your words. Say "I'm upset" or "I'm hurt" not "You did this". We all need to learn from our mistakes and our past, so in the future I would exercise caution in loaning her money. If she is always late, give her a different time to show up. If everyone else is going to show up at 2PM, tell her noon. Then if she is late, she won't be as late. Remember above all things, she is your husband's mother. You said you have always had a good relationship up until this point, so you don't want to do anything to destroy your relationship. Wait until you calm down to react, then call her. In the meantime, price the poodle or call your brother-in-law and ask him where he got it. Tell him the problem, CALMLY, perhaps he'll offer to take it up with his mother for you. Tell her that the poodle is ruined and reeks of dog urine. Tell her to replace it will cost x amount of dollars. Then tell her how YOU feel. "I felt really hurt when I realized the toy was ruined."

Is the poodle worth throwing away a relationship with your mother-in-law and possibly distancing her from your children and your husband? It is just a "thing" and it can be replaced. Try to calm down and once you have had time to think about it all, then react.
Best of Luck!
LAS

you could try to call a local carpet cleaning company, they should be able to clean the plush parts for you, and get the smell out too.

Since the gift was from another relative, I would definitely try to repair it and use it. I agree that Nature's Miracle is a great product and has worked for us for years, we have 3 dogs. Just be sure to saturate the area really well.

The MIL is another story. I would recommend that you make this the final straw that broke the camel's back with her (in your mind). I would not put myself or my family in any position in the future where you lend her money, or purchase things with a "promise" of pay back which may or may not ever come. Part of that is sort of your fault too, now knowing the way she behaved in the past. You know what they say, if it happens once, shame on them, if it happens twice, shame on you.

I would continue to invite her to family events but expect her to be late and don't let her know it bothers you that she is. People like her like to be the center of attention and not giving her that attention would bother her more than anything. I could be way off base though.

I'd be very glad she lives far away and isn't in your daily life!

I'm sorry you are going through this BS.

Hi. What happened to the poodle toy is really a shame! The fact that your MIL acts like there really isnt anything wrong with it just blows my mind.

Im actually just going to respond about the urine smell. The MIL situation, I can feel myself boiling up inside FOR YOU so I am going to take a pass on responding about that issue!

I can not say 100% for sure this will work but defintiely worth a shot since the toy sounds adorable and quite expensive! We have 3 dogs and 2 cats and I use "Natures Miracle" for cat odors. Its all natural so its okay around kids. They have one just for cats and one for all animals. They guarentee it to work or your $ back. I have used it on cat urine which is so much worse than dog urine and it helped but didnt totally take it away. This was in carpet. But follow the directions on the bottle, you have to really saturate it and allow it to air dry and possibly reapply. I got mine at Pet Smart but they have it at any of the pet stores. This is the best product I have found so far for removing pet ordors that is natural.Best of luck to you!
K.

Urine smells come out best with equal parts of water and white distilled vinegar. At first the vinegar smell will be strong but after it dries it will go away. The reason this works is urine is acidic and vinegar has a ph below the ph of urine so when they mix the vinegar neutrilizes the smell completely.it works wonders i used this method with my puppy who kept urinating on things and it helped him from not waning to urinate in certain areas that was previously soiled. I also used it when my 10 year old was having bed wetting problems and it worked miricles.

M. -sorry to hear about the poor poodle. I don't think it is your job to clean it up or repair the poodle. Your HUSBAND needs to step in and address this issue with HIS mom...and her other son (who bought the gift). They should be upset with her and she should replace it.

I have similar issue with my mother-in-law (I think most of us do). I deal with most stuff with my mother in law...but for the bigger things - I make sure my husband talks to her (sometimes I think she only listens when he speaks).

Best of luck!

M.

I know your problem. I had neice/newphew who had a house of cats. Trying to get the smell out of their clothes was near impossible. People who have animals do not smell the animals, I guess they get used to the scent.

Dog urine may be easier then cat. So try soaking/rinsing the poddle in cold water and place outside on a dry sunny day in the sun to dry - the color may fade-. It will probably still have a scent - if so wash with white vinegar - vinegar kills bacteria - which is what makes things smell. Again I would leave it outside to dry. If it still smells you can buy pet order/stain remover from pet stores.

Vinegar usually does a good job of removing scents and after the vinegar drys the vinegar scent goes away.

After the smell goes away you can wash the poddle with your usual laundry soap for a cean scent.

S.

It's too bad your mother in law goes out of her way to be a pain in the behind. You knew her character you shouldn't ask her to do anything for you because she will take this as an opportunity to let you down and then make it look as if, it is your character flaw.

I'd just throw the poodle out it doesn't sound salvageable, it actually sounds like she let her dog use it as a toy.

Let it go, move on and don't say a thing about it to her. She'd love to know she pulled your strings and upset you.

She should be ashamed that she sent the poodle to her very own grandchild in such an unhygeniec condition.

Good luck.

M.,
1)Pet smart carries a spray with enzymes that will break up that nasty smell.
2)Have your husband stand up to HIS mother, not your job to do so. It will be less straining on your future relationship with her Grandchildren.
Good Luck-In laws, like marriage, are forever. :0)
Chris

Wow, I think you should probably talk with your husband about wanting to say something to your mother in law, and both of you have a talk with her....it may get ugly, depends on how guilty she feels and how much she turns that guilt into looking like she is offended.

As for the urine....Petsmart sells a product called "Natures Miricle" you should check it out, it completely nutralizes the odor and cleans it right up. I used it when my older cat got mad at us when we moved into our new house and then brought home another cat for a playmate...she peed all over our couch! The product realllllly worked well.

Are you sure this isn't MY mother in law you're talking about? My daughter's room still smells like a toxic dump from the "vintage" snow globe from a yard sale she sent for Christmas last year which broke and shattered-brittle plastic that it was- and full of I don't know what. Poison snowflakes and devil broth. I was only being nice displaying it since it's one of the ONLY things she's ever sent my two year old. And she's not poor and it wasn't sentimental to her, I asked.

There are two roads I would take and feel perfectly justified: A: Discard immediately. Never mention it. When she says something about it vanishing, explain with a big smile that you tried so hard to get the urine smells out but couldn't and you were so sad to have to throw it out, but thank her sincerely for the thought. B: Let her know immediately you got it and thank her profusely but let her know unfortunately the urine smell and damages were a lot worse than she mentioned and you are allergic to stinky unrine and aren't able to keep it, but since it is VERY NICE, would she like it back?
Do not grieve the death of the gesture-you daughter won't miss it at all. It's not your fault your mother in law blew it.

How would you have reacted if your mother in law had told you the truth and said by the way the dog destroyed the legs on toy and peed all over it! Maybe she was afraid of your reaction. If you would rather have her tell you the truth then you need to be able to react in a way that will encourage her to be truthful.
Also dont give her money. Just like parents of grown children need to not give them money if there not realiable it can be the same for grown parents. You dont do her any favours by allowing her to take the money and not repay you.
Also if she is dishonest how do you really know if she has money. Maybe she is in terrible debt but afraid to tell anyone.
She will not learn to face the truth until people respectfully tell her what their expectations are.
A word of caution about telling her clearly what your expectations are. Do it immedialtely when the event happens. If she comes hours later to a family event (by the way dont wait to start for her - this is teaching her by natural consequnces), tell her you are glad she is here but say "next time call me to let me know your running late so we know you are safe." It is swift and too the point and does not attack her. If you have already started the event she will know that if shes not there you will start without her.
As for the broken promises, I would say dont have her give you naything or do naything for you. Refuse her offers of doing things. In a case were it doesn't involve an object but maybe a promise to come over tell her to let you nkow if she cant make it. Tell her to call you. If she doenst cme by a certan time give her 1/2 hour extra and go do your own thing. If she has a cell phone maybe you can call her and say where are.
I feel that sitting down and ahving a big discussion about things only makes them feel ganged up on and attacked. When you tell her when the event happens what your expetations are in calm but clear way she may be a little embarrassed but you've dealt with ut quckly and clearly and can still feel love for her. It will also be a great model to your chldren.
Good luck

M.,
I agree with the other posters that confronting her about it probably will do no good. I do find it odd that she did not offer to replace it for her granddaughter! But I guess thats just how it is.
I WOULD let her know that it had to be thrown away the next time you're in touch with her--just mention it casually so she knows she basically ruined it and never replaced it. Also, you need to let your brother-in-law know what happened so they are not expecting to see it at your home or receive pictures of her enjoying it. This is awkward but really not your fault at all. But you know what they say "once bitten, twice shy" in the future I would never put her in this kind of scenario again--do everything yourself--apparently it just can't be left up to her! Sorry for the poodle-horse!

I would throw it away because pet smells (urination) is impossible to get rid of. I had a friend watch my son when he was a baby and had to leave his car seat at their home. I guess their cat was jealous and marked his territory on my son's car seat. I tried washing it, buying pet removal sprays ect. and nothing took away the smell. I had to buy a new car seat because I wasn't going to have my son smell like cat urine. I would be angry and at least mention to your mother in law that you had to get rid of the rocker because it was ruined. She should have offered a similiar rocker or toy as a replacement.

I can't help with the doggie soiling issues. (although our carpet shampooer did a great job on our rugs when you dog was young.) You might want to call the Stanley Steamer people and see what they recommend . . . they do wonders with getting smoke smells and stuff out of homes . . . ???

Your mother-in-law is another issue. Bottom line is that you will never change her, so you have to accept her the way she is.

Money? Don't carry any around. That way you won't have to foot the bill. Be prepared. When she suggests you pay and she will pay you back, you can say, "I would, but right now we don't have the money either." And stick to it. It's not worth funding stuff and then feeling used, hurt and angry because she didn't keep her word. You already know she won't, so change yours from "Okay," to "nope. I can't do it either."

The other thing is to change the expectations. She has been who she is for a long time. She's not apt to change now. The good news is that you don't live with her, you live with her son. :-) So you have to visit periodically. You can survive that for a while, then get back home to where you can really enjoy family life.

Knowing what you know about your mother-in-law you can help your kids as they navigate through their relationships with Grandma. Encourage them to enjoy being with her, for her good points, and help them when they get hurt, to see that all people have good and bad points, and we enjoy the good ones and have to learn to accept and forgive them for the bad ones.

My guess is that the real reason you didn't get the coveted toy back sooner is because it had already been damaged and she didn't know how to admit it and return it to you the way it was. It was much easier and certainly less confrontational to simply forget about it, and hope you did, too. But you asked enough that she finally had no choice, so she mailed the problem to you. It is heartbreaking, to have to deal with it, and it's difficult at best to have to deal with your own hurt, anger, resentment, etc., as well as to see the joy your daughter had in this toy fall apart.

And only you can decide whether or not it's worth all your efforts to fix it, or to simply give up and let your daughter think it got lost at Grandma's house. (Has she seen it?) Some hurts of childhood we can't change. We have to cope with them, and cope with our own emotions over them, but we can't change them. This is a very painful lesson, for both of you, but now you know that you should never leave anything of value at their house. That doesn't make them bad people; it makes them careless people, or people with different values from yours, but obviously they at least raised their son well, so there's still something good there. :-)

M.,

My initial reaction is your mother-in-law should be courteous enough to offer to replace the ruined poodle. But I sense from your posting that she is not this way. I get the impression that you may never be able to change her ways, and I am not a pessimistic person.

You probably want to maintain a friendly relationship with her so that she has a role in your childrens' lives, so this is a tough situation. If you say something you run the risk of making your relationship with her a rocky one. If you don't say anything then she will continue to act the way she does with no mind to how it affects others.

Either way, you are left with a toy you can't use because of the urine. If it was only the legs, I would do as you mentioned and try to replace the chew marks. But the fact that you are dealing with urine on the plush part of the toy means you could be dealing with offensive odors down the road. After much deliberation, I would probably throw the toy away. But I am not satisfied with leaving the situation as is. She probably felt that the clothes she sent would make up for the ruined toy. That could have been her twisted way of saying "i'm sorry". This is such a difficult sitaution because you are dealing with a woman who most likely will not change. Even if you say something it doesn't change the fact that you have a ruined toy that you can not use. Unless she buys you a new one, which I doubt, then nothing can come of discussing the issue with her other than aggrivation.

I know it is difficult to walk away and say nothing, but when dealing with family, whom you would like to maintain a relationship with, it might be better to do just that. My husband and I have decided just this past weekend to accept our family members as they are. This is difficult to do sometimes, but since you already have certain expectations about your mother-in-law it might be better to accept them. Keep your expectations low and plan on being disappointed by her behaviors. You do not have to be with her very often so this might allow you to enjoy the time when you are together.

I feel like I have not been too much help. I hope you get lots of great responses from other moms!

Hey M.

I agree with another poster who said that your husband should step in and address this with his mother. She should replace the poodle. I wouldn't let my child have it after being urinated on by the dog, and I have 2 dogs myself.
My guess is your MIL definately knew she was in the wrong since she tried to make amends with the clothes, but she really shirked her responsibility since she agreed to take care of it in the first place.
As for future encounters, since it sounds like she lives farther away, just avoid situations that you know will have a negative outcome. Don't go out to lunch if you don't already want to pay the bill etc. As for family events, don't let her ruin your party - have cake when you are planning to - it's her loss that she she is unable to make it on time without even a courtesty call.

I think you should cut your MIL some slack, to be quite honest. It sounds like it was accidental that the poodle got mangled.Maybe she didn't know what to do about it.But in any case, if that is her personality, then would it be right to expect her to change who she is to please you? If your MIL is honestly not trying to be hurtful, I would just try to accept it as a personality flaw on her part, and realize that nobody is perfect. What's a toy poodle compared to family, and long term relationships.

For pet stains and odor you can by stuff at the pet store that removes it. Try Petco, Petsmart, whatever is in your area. I think it is called "Natures Miracle." Kind of expensive and you need to saturate the area and let dry so she wouldn't be able to use it for several days, but worth a shot. My cat peed on a load of laundry left on the floor and I was able to put this directly on the clothes and then launder them immediately after. It took the smell out. Good luck.

Ok, when we had a puppy the best thing for the pee smell and making it none attractive to other dogs is white vinegar! Put it in a spray bottle and go to town, we used it on all our carpets when we were housebreaking. It takes the odor away and the dogs can't smell the pee anymore and they are actually deterred from the vinegar, they don't like the smell. Depending on the type of fabri though you may want to try to steam clean it to sterilize first and then use the vinegar for smell and to deter your dog. Good luck! J.