13 Year Old Having Bad Year

i have a daughter too who is 13. she ended up going from two c's in a couple of classes to f's. she said she doesnt study either. she hasnt been in as much trouble as your adopted daughter but still not doing what she is capable of. i found out later that she wasn't dealing with things at home as well as i thought she was. when there is changes at home or at school that they can't handle they tend to not care or give up. sometimes they may be doing it for the attention they feel they are not getting that they would like or because they are not fully understanding what they are suppose to be doing. i also have a stepson who is only 11 but he doesnt apply himself like i know he can. when a child has to share attention of a parent wether adopted or other wise with another they dont care to do so...they feel the only way they will get that parent to pay more attention to them if they do something "bad". i honestly would consider family counseling either as a family or for just you and your adopted daughter to find out what might be going on. if you choose not to do counseling then i would consider just time away from homework and work for just you two. doing something you both will enjoy. might be a way to open doors and get her to talk about what is really going on.

1 mom found this helpful

I really like what the other member said about the counseling. I would also maybe get her evaluted to where they would get her an iep, maybe she needs the one on one attention and a quiet place to sit and do her school work.

1 mom found this helpful

Have you tried counseling. I know ti sounds cliche but it helped my 13 yeard old tremendously. I know alot of parents with teenagers who do not do their homework all the time and I really think it is a form of teenage rebellion. Tryand get some counseling. It can work wonders.

I am a huge advocate for volunteering, especially at this age. I think that her "punishment"/ consequence needs to be that she gives up (x) amount of her time for others are that are less fortunate. Nothing gives a teen a sense of self than having to help do something for others and finding a purpose in that. It's important that you find something that is of interest to her though and maybe an opportunity that she and a friend can do? As a reward, I would take her out for a Mom-Daughter girls' day afterwards. She might just be going through a rough time and the fact that she is adopted probably isn't helping at this tender age. Stick by her... you don't want to lose her.

Hope this helps.
N.

i am sorry and i fear for this stage in life myself! I am sure she is acting out like a normal child on top of that she is probably dealing with her adoption issue? Maybe seek some support for her in that mattter?

On a side note the absolute best thing to do to punish your teen is to LOCK them out of their room(thats right out of their room, not in it) If they want clean clothes the next day. they need to do the things you want them to do ( be on time home, homework done, etc. ) if they dont follow through well guess they are wearing the same clothes to school the next day...there is nothing a teen wants more than privacy, new clothes and access to their room....worked wonders for my problem brother!

As an adoption specialist, we see this a lot in the young adolescent girls. This developmental age brings up a lot of issues about the birth mother/and or birth family and trying to integrate and make sense of who they are. This is also a transition age and is more difficult for adopted children. If she will talk to you openly, have her talk about what is distracting her? Is she thinking about her birth family and let her know that this is normal. Answer any questions she may have. Being close to you is a comfort for her and it sounds like she is willing to do whatever it takes to be close to you. May also schedule some time with just you and her (not on a school day obviously). An adoption therapist may also be very helpful for you and for her (they usually work with the kids and with the parents).

Hang in there, adolescence is a tough time for kids and parents. Feel free to email me directly if you would like.

Best,
C.

"She likes the quiet at work"...sounds like she may be having issues with something/somebody at school. Anybody bullying her? Any girlfriends leaving her out of the group? Just thinking out loud. I think you are great for adopting and caring.

First when she forged your signature why was she the only one punished. Her sister that allowed her to forge your signature and tried to pass it off as your should have been punished also. What specifically did she do to the teachers inappropriately? She like the quiet at your job and I assume she does her work with no problem. You had me going when you stated that what she does is up to her when she has to come to work with you because she has been suspended. It should not be up to her, she should have school work as well as maybe writing an essay on why she behaves the way she does when she know the consequences will not be good. Maybe there are too many distractions in the classroom and she is unable to stay focused like she does at your quiet job. Could be that she is ADD and needs to be in a coral (desk with walls) at school so she can stay focused and do her work.

Just 2 days ago, I met a kind woman in her 80's who still runs her own company. She is hired by families to find appropriate schools and programs for children across the spectrum - from asperger's syndrom to super-high IQ, drug addictions to depression. She never recommends a school or therapeutic program without having visited it and observed it firsthand. You can ask her about programs in Atlanta or Colorado or Utah! She knows them all. Anyway, during our discussion, she said she HIGHLY recommends this book to every family with pre-teens: "The Second Family." She said it explains how the siblings and parents become a second family, while peers and friends become the first family. The child tries to please the first family.

I woud suggest that maybe just quiet alone time with ou and her woul dhelp. kids can be cruel, the social standings in school mean more than their own self worth. My 13 year old neice is in a tough spot right now too. Have you met many of her friends? teens/tweens have a tough time with peer pressure, they just really need a close friend/mentor. just remind her that you love her and that you're her friend too. My neice comes to me with all her problems, her mom (my sister in law) gave her to her mother (my mother in law) to raise. She's starting to have abandonment issues right now and I just remind her that I love her and if she ever need to talk or needs advice I'm here and I'm not gonna judge her. maybe that's what she needs. best of luck and I think its wonderful taht you've adopted

Well, you're not alone with this. 13 is just hard. But I would definitely spend a lot of time talking to her about why she's not trying and what all is going on. Do you have any memories of being 13 that would help if you shared them with her? It's so hard at that age to think that you will ever feel differently about things -- right now school may just seem so unimportant, but when she's even 16 or 17 she may feel totally differently. Teachers and researchers say over and over again that kids, including teenagers, want their parents' attention and approval, even if it often doesn't seem that way. Don't give up on the communication. Don't focus solely on the punishments, think about how to encourage her (go over homework with her at night, praise her efforts, reward her with an outing or treat for improvement, etc.) As for the forging.... well, you reacted appropriately. Teens are going to do these things (I did!). Just do your best to maintain a positive, open relationship with her, try to avoid power struggles (of course, you have to be the authority figure, but try not to shove it down her throat.) Let her know you support her and are proud of HER, even though her recent performance disappoints you. Good luck; these years can be so tough on teen and parent alike.

By the way, I so admire and respect those who adopt (and think about doing it myself.) Bravo! You are a supermom.