Mom Seeking Advice - Chicago,IL

First I'll address the food issue. I know you are a single Mom so I will assume the budget is tight and you have little money to go get more when the food supply runs out. Are the kids still really hungry or is there a bigger issue of depression, drugs, learning disabilities, psychiatric break tied with puberty, puberty. I know I was amazed at what my God son put away while I was staying with them. He came home from school and made some chili(I would say enough for a family of four) and ate it with 1/4 box of crackers, then asked his Mom when dinner would be ready. An hour later he downed 2 hearty helpings of dinner and later asked his Mom for chips and salsa. Before bed he came in and ate a banana, apple and some carrot sticks. She said it is like this every night. If no one is obese or getting there, check all else and if they need more food and you need help with getting more food there are many resources for help. While this will be hard for you to do with homework don't accept responsibility for his work. He must, he is the one who needs to make the choice, but have him understand the consequences for bad/poor choices. I went to a parenting seminar last week and got alot of good information celebratecalm.com is the name and my house has gotten a little better in just one week. I no longer scream.

Hi there,

I know what you're going through. I went through it with my son. If the teacher doesn't have a syllabus, that's a problem, and I feel she shouldn't be teaching. She needs to be calling you more often, another problem I ran into. Teachers don't want to get involved as they used to.

I think you sons are acting out because you're working and running errons. They need to understand that your income puts the food on the table, etc. As for your mom. They also need to know that one day we will all be at that age. The way we treat our elders is the way we are going to be treated.

I also went through that with my father, who was an acholic. My brother wanted no part of him, and now his children want nothing to do with him.

Reasure your sons that you will always be around, but these tough economic times cause you to work to help provide for them.

Is there a school social worker you could talk to for suggestions? Perhaps your son needs a tutor. It sounds like you're running yourself ragged and you need help.

I don't know what you mean by the sons are stealing food from the freezer. If they are hungry and they make themselves something, what's the problem? As for running over your mom, I guess that means they are not listening to her or are taking advantage of her.

Maybe you need to hire a college student for after school care. This person could help your sons with their homework, prepare a snack, and make sure the boys do their chores.

Good luck!

It sounds like your children are not mature enough to be home unsupervised. You may need to make other arrangements for them.

My son started having difficulty with school when he was in 6th grade. Until then he was a good student. We discovered he had ADHD and during Jr. High it is harder for kids with ADHD to keep up with all their body changes at the same time. We put my son on medication and his grades went back up to A's and B's. I'm not saying that's the problem but it took us over a year to figure out what was wrong...after fighting with him every day and constantly talking to the teacher about his homework. If he has an assignment notebook see if the teacher will check it over each day to see all his homework is written down and sign her initials and you can initial it each night after you see it also. About how he is treating your mother. You could let him know how much you depend on him to be obedient to his grandmother and be her helper when you aren't there. Let him know that he is an important part of the family and teach him how to respect his grandmother. I would try to get him into the school counselor to see if she can help find out why he isn't doing any homework.

I wen thru this. The majority of teachers are not willing to do more for 1 child than for her others; including writing down assignments or speaking to you 1 or 2 times a week about the assignments. You MUST make him responsible for his own work. Has something changed in his life? Divorce, seperation, death of a loved one? These things trigger the problems in kids. Get him outside help now! In Elk Grov there is help in youth counseling thru the park district...educational help. Counselors that actually help teach the problem children. Check into it mom and good luck.

My 9 year old son refuses to eat his dinner because he's "full" (which means he just doesn't like it,) and then sneaks into the kitchen in the middle of the night for pop tarts. Are they hungry or what do they do with food?

Oh, Bernaadine, I am a single Mom like you and I know how hard it is. Please get some help from a counselor if you can. In my opinion, please see if you can find time to have some fun with your boys. Praise what they do well -- and ignore any bad behavior. I hope you can create a home environment that is joy and love filled. Is their father influencing them, also?

Not to sound mean but being a teacher myself, I can only say that it is not the teacher's responsibility to make sure a 5th grader puts his homework and books in his bag. I am sure there are plenty of reminders from the teacher during the day of what they need to do for homework at night. Is there a website that you can go to to check to see what your son's homework assignments are for the night? I know alot of school districts have those websites now. Is there anything at home that you can "take away" if he doesn't raise his grades? Best of luck!

Give them a section in the pantry/fridge for snacks, post a menu. if they eat the ingredients for a meal they miss that meal. But make sure the snacks and meals are enough for a growing boy. I liked the idea of hiring a college student. You could even exchange room an board for her/his watching your sons.

If you have video games or a computer this must be removed during the week and only given to play on the week ends. The other boy may think this is a punishment for him , but it's not. There needs to be a time set aside where he spends just on school work. Do something special on the weekends as a reward. Don't call it a reward just do it
What you need to realize is that you son needs time with YOU. No matter how tired you are. Play games on the weekends. Like sorry, yatzee, scrabble, cards, monopoly. sometimes playing games with 2 boys can be very trying and not always fun just be patient.When you start to give him more time he will do better you will see. Do not lecture sit with him and hug him tickle him as well as you other son. Make family time a big priority for all of you. Not having two parents in the home is hard for kids even if they do have a good relationship with the other parent. Unless you take extreem action this will only get worse.
Your son is at the age where he's starting to mature a very little . Sit with him take a car ride just you two, tell him your concerns, and also tell him how much you love him. Then stop the car and sit now you ask him how YOU can help him get on the right path. What can YOU do to help him with school , ask him if the is anything bothering him , you may be surprised at what he says to you. Just remember he's 10 and young and very moldable by what he has or does not have in his life. Your actions will speak much louder than his.
Alot of kids act out just to get the attention even if it's negative, they know at that moment of yelling it's all about them, and they have all your attention. Turn off all the electronics T V also and just be together as a family.

I don't understand your comment that they are"stealing" food. Are there foods that are specific for each member of the family? I know when my brother was that age he went through a huge growth spurt and ate non stop. (He did not have any weight issues, he grew to be 6'3 and grew probably 5 inches when he was 12) If you think they are eating "your" food just to make you mad then you definitely need to make them know it's off limits and punish them.

As far as grades it sounds like you have talked to the teacher and she knows your concerns, if it is a matter of not doing the work your son needs to take responsibility. Are there tutors that could work with your son. At my son's school there are several teachers that also work as tutors after school and weekends. My friend has used one for her son it completely turned his grades around. It just gave him one more person to be accountable to and gave him the extra attention he wasn't getting in the classroom.

Your son's teacher should not be responsible for making sure your son brings home his books, that is his responsibility. It sounds like he needs some discipline.

I have some questions as to what they are "stealing", when, why, and what are they doing w/ it? (eating frozen food?) Do they have an after school snack waiting for them to come home to? Prepare in advance.

Call the teacher every day. It is the schools responsibility to do whatever is needed to meet your child's needs. do they have an online progress posted, grades, tests, homework, etc? I went through this w/ a daughter and had great success w/ getting a daily written assignment sheet, that I needed to sign and have brought back. This can be a difficult transitional stage and needs to handled w/ consistence. Get the cooperation of the teachers! If needed see the higher-ups for help. you are your child's best advocate. Be one. Also, have you thought about getting a teen, young adult, or younger senior to help Grandma w/ the after school care?

I too am a little confused by the use of the term "stealing" for food in the fridge. If the food is earmarked for a meal I guess you have to let them know it is off limits, but my guess is they are real hungry when they come home from school. My 14 year old comes home starving for the past few years, literally eats a meal and still eats dinner. (especially if they are eating school lunches which are very small for a growing boy.) Mine craves protein so make sure they have some food to eat that satisfies. The days of little snacks are over.
I also did the assignment book thing with my boy. I found out (also in 5th grade!) he was not doing assignments, and he was hanging out with a bunch of kids that did the same thing (before that he was an A student). Privileges were suspended for 2 weeks (pending improvement)which meant zero video games and zero computer except for school work. He had his teacher sign his assignment book and I checked it, checked his homework and signed it at night. This was his teacher's idea and it worked. (Combined with loss of privileges, and a loving and constant reminder that his future partially hinges on this, etc. )Good luck to you and keep in close contact with the teachers. They will feel better about themselves once they start doing the right thing again, believe me.
And finallly, yes they must be taught repect for their grandmother. And she should not have to be the "enforcer". In fact, perhaps you could give them some jobs where they are looking after and taking care of her.

Hi There!

Before I became a SAHM...I was a 5th and 7th grade teacher. I would suggest getting your son an assignment notebook (if he does not already have one) and then ask his teacher to check and sign his assignment book at the end of the day each day to make sure that he has the correct info for his homework written down...that way when he gets home you can look at his assignment book and know that the info is accurate and complete and you can make sure he gets his assignments done. Fifth grade tends to be a transition grade when kids become more interested in things outside of the classroom....your son is lucky to have a caring mother like you that is willing to work hard to keep him from trouble. Good Luck!