Desperately Seeking Input

M., I worked for a number of years at a residential home for children with behavioral issues, specifically with teenaged girls.
In your first sentence you state that every time she comes home from an over night with these grandparents she acts up. This is a HUGE warning sign. Many, many, many teenagers would LOVE to move out of their home with mom's rules and little siblings and responsibility and accountability to live with grandma and grandpa who, perhaps are push overs, or will listen to her drama with full support and a pat on the back. Your parents should have never ever suggested to your daughter that living with them could be an option. It was out of line and should have been between you and your husband. A 13 y.o. is not mature enough to make a decision like this. I hate to say it, but they opened a can of worms that may be problematic for you guys, b/c now she has an alternative in her head where the grass seems much greener.
I don't think you should send your daughter off with them. It will be a wall in your relationship that you may never recover from. You need rules, consequences, and plenty of love and support during the good times. When you see an attitude coming you need to meet her in the middle with softness and find out whats going on. Your daughter, no doubt, has issues with abandonment and you abandoning her will affect her forever. teenagers are easier to raise in some ways, b/c they can groom themselves and be expected to help out, but their emotional needs will always need parenting.
You need to talk to your daughter point blank, tell her you know life and being eldest isn't always easy, but you are her mother and you love her and her stepfather loves her and you want to help her. Ask her what she needs that will make it better. Let her vent and find a middle. (Do this over a quiet lunch that's just the two of you and NOT after a fight/tantrum)
And try to remember how hard 13 can be. (And high school will probably be even harder!)Hormones, mood swings, popularity, - it's a time for insecurities to flourish and I really believe - that they are some of the most important parenting years.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I think that you need to get to the root of the problem and make a decision that is best for your child and family.

For instance, I grew up with a brother and sister who are twins and 5 1/2 years younger than me. They were all my mother ever talked about. I used to call them her "precious twins". Because of her behavior, I felt that she thought they were better than me because clearly she thought so. I have always felt second best to them. This definately affected my self-esteem throughout my high school years because I didn't have the confidence that I should have had.

I had wanted to move out and live with my Aunt and my mother wouldn't let me. I just wanted to be myself without living in the shadow of the "precious twins".

I feel to this day, had I been able to move out, I would have been able to concentrate more on my school work, get more active in sports, therefore, building more confidence and leading to more friendships.

I am a very outgoing person now but it happened later than sooner and I know it was because of my upbringing.

I often got ignored and didn't get the attention that each child deserves from their parents.

Try to talk to your daughter and find out why she wants to move out. Let her know that you are willing to consider the move but first you need to talk about it and work on the underlying problem together. YOU need to make the effort as SHE is the one who is craving your love and attention. She just may want to be getting your attention but she may really want to just move out.

If you can't do it on your own, I strongly suggest going to a counselor TOGETHER. My mom tried to send me to a counselor by myself and it just pissed me off and I wouldn't talk so it was a waste of her money and time. It made me feel like I was the one with the problem, when I felt that SHE was the problem since I was the child that was getting put off to the side. I can often remember asking her why she had me if she didn't want anything to do with me. If that is the case then why didn't she let me live with my Aunt who could give me the attention that I needed and craved.

Regardless of any of your children's ages, they all NEED you, just in different ways. Try to evaluate yourself and what you are or aren't doing for each child and what you can personally do to improve your quality of time with each child.

I pray that in the end you do what is right for everyone!

Best of luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like your parents are overstepping their boundries to me. They should never discuss things like that with your daughter, it is direspectful. It's causing a seperation between the two of you and making a difficult situation worse. You should carve out some time for your daughter. Not being able to give her all your attention is not wrong but she needs to accept that she has to share you respectably. the only way to let her know that is to truly give her your undivided attention when it's her turn. Try to come up with some mother-daughter time so you can talk with her and nurture your relationship. the more she respects you the more cooperative she'll likely be. Imagine being a teen and thinking your mom feels like she can't take care of you because she has a new family now. she must be having a rough time just as you are, Try to remember that even though I'm sure it's difficult. But let her know that you want to be there for her but that she also needs to respect the fact that you are all part of a family and the attention must be shared, balanced. Sending her to your parents, in my opinion, will only teach her that when life gets tough you can just leave or be handed off. I don't think that's the lesson you want to send.

You have to think about young teens as toddlers. Her body is growing awkwardly, her brain is going through immense growth, she is going to be dealing with hormones (not just the sex-linked ones), changing ideas about who she is and how she relates to the world around her. Though the little ones running around seem to need more attention your daughter needs a lot of attention as well. She's going through an age where she is forming her adult identity. Figuring out who she is as a young woman. And that's a lot to get through in our society. She will look to you to show her the kind of woman she would like to be. Make sure she has a healthy, grounded and loving role-model. You have to take care of yourself to be able to do this.

It sounds like you need a day off. Maybe to take a spa day (even if it's your own bathroom) go window shopping and sit at a cafe drinking coffee, watch stupid teen movies while painting your nails. Ask your mom to take the other three children and invite your daughter to join you. Make sure you spend time with her that is all about the two of you and letting her see who you are. If your mom is willing to take your daughter to live with her full time, maybe she's willing to take the other children once a month, once a week, whatever feels helpful to you.

On a side note: Is your daughter the one putting strain on the marriage because of her father hiding out? I'm unsure of whether you mean that she is aware of it and exploits it or whether it is her presence in the light of her father's actions that make it difficult to have her around. She didn't pick her father - you did.

I'm sorry if I come off as a little harsh, but I spend a lot of time with children this age and feel very strongly about their needs. I hope you are able to find a balance and continue to have your daughter living with you.
L

M.,

I think it is important that even though your 13 yo might not need a diaper change, it doesn't mean she needs less of your time. She is at a critical stage and might be acting out to try and tell you she needs more from you (that might be overwhelming with 3 other kids...) Counseling might be a good idea. Hiring a mother's helper to help with the little ones sometimes so you can devote some time to her might help too. If you decide to let her live with your parents either temporarily or permanently, that doesn't mean you are a bad parent. If it's the best thing for her, then that is what you should do. Good luck!!

You have made it this far with her I encourage you to keep going. She maybe testing you. If you let her go though she is acting like she wants to in her mind she may be thinking you don't want her. There may be a root to these actions that letting her go may make her dislike you more. This behavior may be for your attention only, to see if you'll fight for her. You need to talk with her to find out what she is feeling. Emotions are hard to talk about, but if you start telling her how your feeling she may do the same.
As for your parents they need to support you, not put ideas in her head. They should not be discussing life altering decisions that need your approval with out you.

I think you should stop those weekend and overnight visits. She is your daughter, and your parents have no right to tell her to come and live with them.

Have you reminded your mother that she didn't even want you to keep this daughter when you were pregnant.

I was dropped off at my aunts house at 9 years old and never saw my mom again until I was an adult..
I needed my mom even when I didn't know it..

you need to possibly seek counciling with your daughter, or at least talk to her one one one, on a special day with just her and see why it is she wants to leave.

let her know how much you love her and how much you would miss her,....

work with her on this, don't give up and don't just let her go there, try and get her involved with the younger kids..

good luck!

D.

Maybe you could give her an afternoon alone with you...just you not the other children. Maybe you could set this up with her so it happens once a week. A time to talk, or play...whatever she wants to do. Just some time alone w/Mom so she feels "loved" too. She just sounds a little misunderstood. Grandma/Grandpa can give her all the attention...but she still will need the love from her Mom. I think if she has something definite to look forward to, there will be a different outlook.

I had the ame problem with my now 15 yo when she was 12 or 13, I let her go live with my mom... Mind you it didn't really o either of us any good, except for her change of attitude when she came back home. I let her go so that she could see the grass wasn't greener on the other side.. I don't think it makes you a bad parent at all, teens are VERY hard to deal with, and the experiance for her could be beneficial. Good luck to you!

C. (PS she was VERY unhappy at her grandmothers within 3 months, but I let her stay for a year to be sure she didn't miss the message, but my mother only lived 1.5 blocks from me.)

Well, you are her mother, and her grandmother is just that. Try speaking to your mother about the situation and how she may be able to ASSIST with the needs of your daughter. I too come from a world of step-parents, I must say I never felt any different, and I am making a big assumption here, so forgive me if I am wrong,but it looks like she know she is making trouble, and you and your new husband are allowing her to. Be a united front! Do family thing, everyone together even just taking a walk. Remember, she was here first, and her nose may out of joint, sheprobably needs a little affirmation that she is still important in your life, so make a little mother daughter time. And remember, she's 13 tough age

Good Luck, my thoughts and a few prayers are with you

do you remember being 13? or having younger siblings that you sometimes had to help out with or do things around the house? those early teen years are awful it's such an awkward stage of being a kid and turning into a "mini"adult
i agree having her live your mother is a bad idea she needs to learn that she belongs with you and your family it's just a matter of having her feel special and a part of the family
i remember at 13 i was babysitting my younger brothers and sisters a lot and that lasted through my teen years(my parents did foster care and adopted 6 kids) and it was hard i resented them - all of them my parents and siblings because they changed the family structure
i'm not sure the ages of your younger kids and how long it was just you and your daughter but she could be feeling left out in soem way
you might have to have her spend less time at your parents and talk to your parents about what goes on after she comes home
good luck

M.,

It does sound as if you are overwhelmed. Your daughter's behavior does stem from something. I had a similar problem with my oldest daughter who is now 29. I would like to say I found some magical formula that worked for us but I didn't; we struggled along and only now can I say that she has resolved some of her anger issues.

I am certain that the abandonment of your daughter by her biological father is a large component in her anger and acting out. At 13 she is at a pivotal age where her behavior could begin to escalate to really dangerous behavior.

If your mother is willing and will work with you, not against you, for the common good of your daughter then by all means enlist her help. Make sure your daughter is part of the decision making too.

You should begin by having a real heart to heart with your mom and that means letting go or resolving some of the issues you have from the past regarding your mother's response to your pregnacy so you can be a team in the rearing of your young daughter to womanhood.

It may be easier if you can forgive your mom realizing she probably only wanted what was best for you. Try to see her as the woman she was and not as your mom. We tend to put our parents on such a pedestal, but when we sit back and realize how old they were when they were raising us and where they come from, we can be more forgiving.

Even if you do choose to let your mom help stay very involved with daily calls and weekly visits. Provide opportunity for you daughter to have one on one time with you and tell her you love her all the time (even when she is not all that lovable!) And by all means seek out professional counseling immediately. May God bless you and your family.

J. L.

Hello M.,
That is a tough situation. 13 is such a tough age for both parent and child. I am a huge fan of the "Positive Discipline" Series by Jane Nelsen. There is a book dedicated to teenagers. This series has really helped me and given me a lot of insight. It might be worth it to take a look. Even if you find one thing that works from it, it could make the difference. Also you may want to have heart to heart with your Mom to let her know that her support would be really helpful in whatever you choose to do. Loveing your children is what makes you a good parent and it is most obvious that you love them very much. I wish you and your family the best!
Warmest Regards,
M. C

Hi M.,
I see that you have gotten alot of input on this subject and I'm sure you extremely overwhelmed. I was in a somewhat similiar situation but it would take very long to give you all the info and I feel that you have already been inundated with opinions. Unfortunatly, there is no quick fix for this and your daughter is just at the starting line of what is probably to come in this situation. I can understand the need for peace in your house and the strain on your marriage. I can remember my husband saying to me "I love you but it may come to a point where I have to leave you for the sake of the other kids." Mind you we were knee deep in hell when this comment was made but what it made me see was that I needed to look at the situation for what it really was and how it was changing me as a wife and a mother. My heart breaks for you, it is such a terrible thing when you find yourself not "liking" your child and questioning your parenting. I did make the decision to let my child live with her biological father, she was 17 at the time and he thought that he could solve all her problems and do a better job than I was doing. He was critical of the decisions I had made, which I believed were in her best interest(i.e. therapy etc.). It's very easy for a person to stand on the outside of a situation and say that they can do a better job or the child will be better off with them. He learned the hard way that it wasn't as easy as he thought and I got a big apology about a month later when she was torturing him. I don't regret letting her go, it finally gave my little ones the peace that they deserved. The stress however never ended, it still goes on today.No matter where she is you will still have to deal with her problems, there is no quick fix, no magical potion that stops the disruptive behavior. Some children go through life and find their way easily, others twist and turn taking down everything in their path. Remember whatever decision you make you ARE a good mother. Don't let anyone make you feel anything less. No one understands what you are going through because they haven't walked in your shoes. I understand how isolating this can be, I will be praying for you.
H.

i read this with interest as I have a 5 year old who isn't liking it that Mom and Dad have decided to get together on the rules.. and wants to live with Gram..(she lives around the corner) I tell her okay all your stuff stays here you may bring the clothes on your back. her bio father is also out of the picture except i do get child support.(His wages are garnished.)
Anyways back to you I would have a talk with your mother about your daughter's visits and that she needs to STOP offering the child a place to stay/live. (i suspect your Mom is going through empty nest) And as other Moms have suggested stop the overnights for awhile and have her earn them. Plus let her know you are her parent and children as my 5 year old says "babies/kids belong with thier Mommies"

M.,
I see that you have already gotten a lot of support and good advice. I had intended to give my two cents but everything I had planned on saying has been said. Let me just emphasize that your decision does not determine if you are a "bad mother." You have a difficult situation. Thinking about what is best for your daughter and you and acting in a way that is in all your best interest is what parenting is all about. Think long and hard about having your parents raise your daughter. Sometimes it works out but not without a cost. Your daughter needs to feel loved and valued. Ideally, you can find a way for her to find that in your home. If you let her go it should be because you are positive that your parents can provide for her in a way that you can't (this doesn't sound like it is the case). If you allow her to go she may act happy but it is likely that she will feel abandoned and like she is somehow not as worthy of your love as the other children. If she does go to live with your parents I would discuss this upfront. Don't have her go during a fight.

Good luck and remember that you are doing the most important job there is in the world. You are raising the next generation.

My advice is to tell your mother to lay off the live in talk with your daughter or no more staying over there.

That sounds so tough...I admire you being able to raise 4 kids (I have 2 and I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time)!

My 2 cents: it sounds like your daughter is trying to get attention when she makes these statements. Little ones do take up a lot of time and it is easy for older ones to get a little over looked. I know you probably have no time but might be worth while to make some time just for her and you (like 20-30 minutes, start small). If possible try an outing (shopping, movie?) just the two of you (is your husband someone who would watch the other kids? are yoru parents?) Also, make her part of the "team" on taking care of the little ones-she might feel beter if she is involved vs. seeing the kids as something that takes you away from her.

It seems like your parents are (perhaps unintentially) undermining your relationship with your daughter by making this offer. I would think to be supportive they would back you up, babysit or other things if they were geuine in helping. You might try sitting down with them and explain that you are trying to strenghten your relationship with your daughter and be specific (in a nice way) on how they can help do this. If they can't or are not willing to give the support you need you might look into a babysitter or other type help (other family members) that could watch the little ones to give you 1) time alone with your husband-very important! and 2) alone time with your daughter.

Good luck to you!

Hi M.,

I would reach deep down inside you to find the strength to parent your 13 yr old. She needs YOU right now. I'm sure you are stronger than you think. Remeber, it won't last forever. It might feel like torture for a little while, but you chose to raise a child, and you should follow through with your word.
I would tell your parents that they are undercutting your relationship with your daugther and making things harder than they have to be. Look them right in the eye, and say "Mom, and Dad - I can raise my children, I am not perfect, but I am their only Mother."
You cannot control your parents, but you can control your family. I know you can. Millions of women do everyday under some extraodinary circumstances.
My friend let her son live with his father, while she took care of 3 girls. She admits now, it was the worst mistake she ever made.
I will pray for you.
good luck.
H.

I'm in my 50's now, the oldest of 3 kids. When I was young, I spent several years off and on living with my grandparents. I lived with every summer, and stayed there every school vacation and weekends. For whatever reason, my mother just couln't deal with me. I would never go back and change things, the times living with them were the best of my life. I still miss them, and they have been gone 30 years! When my oldest daughter was 16, she moved in with her father, I was devistated, and felt really guilty, but, learned to live with it. Not actually advice,but other people have or had similar problems, and get throuh it. Good luck.

I feel for you.. What ever you choose make sure your daughter gets one message through to her:

"I LOVE YOU." Say it over and over and often.

I HATED my mother at that age and she gave me every reason to. She never gave me her time or her love. Although you are busy with other children, too, be sure she knows she is valued by you. When she is acting her worst is the time she needs to hear it the most.

That said, I agree with Janine: If your mother is willing and will work with you, not against you, for the common good of your daughter then by all means enlist her help.

Paring that with what I said above, do what is right for your daughter. If your mom can help, great. But YOU are the parent. If you need, tell your mom her support is welcomed, but to stop telling your daughter she can live with Grandma. Grandma will not always be able to save her and her troubled relationships. She is a teen now, she needs to learn how to work with you on the most precious relationship she'll ever have. Your mom should really be talking in private with you about this.

Good luck.

PS Today, my mom is not only my biggest supporter, I know she has my back & I trust she'll always guide my precious girl back to me when she needs me most.

I undrestand the younger children need extra attention. But try to get someone else [their dad or your parents] to watch them and spend QUALITY time with your 13 year old. She may not need the same attention the others do but she needs your attention none the less. She may be reacting to the fact that the other children have their dad and she doesn't and the fact that you aren't getting child support from him. You never know she could have heard you and your husband talking. She obviously gets that from her grandmother and thats why she wants to live there. I had the same problem from my mil and I have an only child. He complained how strict we were and she was trying to undermine us his married parents.The other thing I will suggest is counseling it did help us communicate better parent to child and child to parent. Good luck I hope this is helpful and know I am not criticizing you.

Oh dear M., you sure have a lot on your plate !!
I had four teenagers and three babies at the same time.
With both of them, babies mostly physical, teens mostly emotional, I was on call 24/7.
I well know what that feels like.
I come from a large family. When the teens got to that "I dont want to live here with you any longer" stage, we shipped them off to a brother or sister or grandparent. Usually 2 to 5 months would do the trick of teaching them the grass is NOT greener. And we took in their kids when they reached that stage.
The way she is acting is pretty normal, a bit premature, she may be a bit mature..but normal.
Let her go to your Mum's. If that is truly what she thinks is best. Have a talk with her. Tell her you love her, you would miss her, but you dont want to stand in her way if she is that unhappy at home. This may be a ploy to get attention she feels she wants and/or needs. She may feel pushed aside by the needs of the babies. Ask her.
And if she insists, then let her go.
She may stick it out, and if she does that does not make you a bad parent but a wise one.
If she comes home, and she probably wont for a month or six weeks even to visit, then have a good talk with her. Work things out. Have her for visits when she is ready and act as if everything is just fine, and really, it should be if you can get the situation in proper perspective.
Also, side benefit here, having the girl may seem very attractive to your Mum, but dealing with a pubescent teenager can get old real quick when one is a grandparent.
As far as your Mum goes, trying desperately to save her baby (you) from herself is a whole other ballgame then holding her infant granddaughter in her arms. Dont be too hard on her.
She did what she thought she needed to do at the time. As your mother. Who loved you. We all make mistakes as parents.
None of us receive a newborn in our arms and think....oh boy, I wonder how long it will take me to mess this kid up good. Nooooo...we love them more than we thought possible to love another human being and we do the best we can , given who we are and what we carry in our sacks, yes?
Now...
You need to be able to save some of you for you.
Your husband has needs, your children have needs, your home has needs. You need to sort this all out and make sure you have enough of you to go around for you to be able to meet all these other demands and you do that by learning how much you can tolorate and learning how to say no. Getting the younger ones on a schedule and keeping them on it. Making dates with your husband . He was there before the babies came and he will be there after they leave. You need to find a way to maintain the love that started this all. Maintain a relationship...doesnt have to be a fancy date. My hubby and I would just go to the corner diner and have cup of coffee and talk with the neighbors...usually no kids there after supper. Or take a ride, tis 5 miles to one town, 12 to the other closest ones. We would go get an ice cream, or just ride and talk. Maybe go parking for few minutes ...hehehe
I wish you the best dear, and if you want to talk with me I am just an email away.
Take care of you and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

My oldest acts up after time at her grandparents house too. Grandparents allow them to get away with more. Here you want that extra piece of candy sure you can have that. So it's of course more fun. But whenever my daughter gets this notion in her head that it would be great fun to live with Grandma and Grandpa I explain to her that it wouldn't be like her visits. And honestly if your parents are putting these thoughts into her head they need to stop. You are her mother. They've raised their children. I mean do they really in their heart of hearts want to deal with a teenager again? Teenagers are difficult. They are moody and they usually hate their parents at one time or another during this time. I don't think I'd throw in the towel with her though. I think I'd explain to her that her visits with grandma and grandpa are fun, but if she lived with them she'd still have chores to do and there would still be rules to follow. I'd sit down with your parents though first and discuss it with them and explain how difficult it is when she tells you she wants to live with them and that you don't think that's really the solution. They should be working with you not against you. Make sure they understand that they just want to see her happy, but that you don't think her moving in with them is the right thing and you'd like their support in this.

M.

P.S. My parents also wanted me to give my oldest up for adoption or abort her. My father wouldn't even hold her after she was born for a week because he thought I'd come to my "senses" and give her up. Now he adores her. So I feel your frustration in all of this.

Remember when you were 13? You thought everyone was against you and no one understood you. Little did you know, your parents were 13 once too! Please, please communicate with her and calmly sit down a few times a week and talk with her, not to her, ask her questions, adult questions, treat her like the young adult she wants to be recognized for. See if that doesn't calm things down a little bit, or make a difference in your family life. I am sure that she wants to be appreciated for who she is and if you can just find a way to include her with your "new" family, in some responsible way without having her think that she is needed only to babysit or take care of her siblings, she will come around. Take the time to listen to her, uninterrupted. She needs her mother. I feel that later in life she will look back and see that the effort was there to make sure she was heard. If you give her up, I believe later that will come back to haunt you and her. Chin up, communication is the key.

I am sure everyone wants what is best for your daughter, but overall, you know what is best. It sounds like she is craving your attention. Maybe try to take some time out for just the two of you: Maybe your mother can babysit the other three kids while you get out for a girls day:) go shopping, get your nails done, take a day trip, a movie, the beach, whatever... Remember she is at a very tough age in her life. Remember how awkward it is to be a 13 yr old girl especially in today's world. When it comes down to it... a girl NEEDS her MOTHER (especially now). There is no one else who can take your place. Good luck.

with all respect, you need to get over the fact that your mother was not happy with your pregnancy. obviousl she sense that it would not be easy and that's need proven as the father is not helping.

I would sugget that you have a heart to heart with your mother and tell her that she needs to stop lying to your daughter as she cannot tell your daughter where she can live==it is not her decision.

If you wish for another to raise your daughter than it might be best but to do so might cause even more problems between you and your daughter. if your only reason for not letting her move to your parents is fear of being considered a bad mother than that a wrong reason.

You need to be honest with yourself and do what is really right by your daughter.

I would try to get to know your daughter better and how she really feels. there is no reason good enough for her to be unhappy==I'd find out why

Hi M.,

I know how hard it can be with 13-year-olds complaining about where they want to live. We have one who lives with her mother and her stepdad and is constantly complaining about it.
She tells us she wants to live with us and tells her mother she wants to live with us or with Steve (her deceased grandmother's fiancee, with whom she lived until she was 9). It upsets her mother to no end; she gets upset and blames it on us, when we don't do anything different with her than with the other three. It makes it tough on everyone.

If your parents are telling your child she can come live there, they are absolutely going to have to stop it. Like the other moms said, that is YOUR child and you will be the one to decide that. While having your child live with your parents won't mean you're a bad mother, it should not be the first tested solution. Like I said before, my oldest lived with her grandmother until she was nine. At first it was because my husband and her mother were too young and inexperienced to be properly raising a child; then, her grandmother had their guardianship removed because she just didn't want her back with either of her parents. She didn't want to adopt her, but she didn't want to give up her monthly stipend check either. After her dad and I moved in together when she was six, Gina used to tell her grandma she wanted to move in with us. Grandma retaliated by cutting off our visitation without an explanation. It was extremely hard on everyone when she got terminal cancer, too, because Gina still had to live there through the bitter end; our court battle was unsuccessful, and it left my daughter with mental problems. Grandma (Mom's mom) told her every day for a year, "I'll be so proud of you when you make the right choice to live with Mommy," so when Grandma died, Gina, of course, chose to live with Mommy. That was four years ago, and as you can see she is still miserable there.

You need to have a talk with your daughter too to find out why she is thinking of leaving your family to live with her grandparents. It may be she never thought of the idea until they mentioned it, and now she's using it to hurt/upset you and her stepdad. It may be that she feels left out because you have the little ones to care for, and you need to make more time for you and her to share one-on-one time together. It may be that she's jealous that your little ones have their father while she doesn't have hers, and you may all need to attend some family therapy sessions together to help her and her stepdad bond (trust me, it can be done; my oldest two aren't biologically mine, but I have loved them and cared for them as my own for the past eight years). Whatever it is, the best bet is to try and work it out before you even think about letting her live with her grandparents, because as I mentioned, it may not be the easiest thing in the world to get her back into your home later.

If you are depressed, I advise you to seek individual counseling. While I don't always feel medication is the best course of action, if it is a legitimate imbalance of biochemicals in your brain meds can help. Counseling should also help.

I would say, too, that the overnight and weekend visits should be temporarily halted, at least until you are able to talk to her and your parents (separately) and hopefully work these issues out. At 13 if it is a childcare issue (especially during the summer) see if you can enlist the help of her best friend's mom in the matter. I can remember at 13 spending many an overnight at friends' houses when I wasn't getting along too well with my parents; perhaps you can work it out so the overnight visits are with her friend/s instead of your parents.

Good luck, and I hope everything works out well for you.

--M.

It sounds like there is a lot going on for this 13 year old. It is such a tough time in her life just being a teenager, not to mention all that's going on. If you continue to let your mother make decisions, you aren't being a parent at all. I'm certainly not trying to offend but maybe you shouldn't allow your daughter to see your mother for a while, or at least not overnight. She is obviously getting not-so-good messages from somewhere. Good luck with everything and try your best to get involved a lot with her younger siblings. The more she helps, the more she'll feel like a part of the whole family, not just one that she's on the outside looking into.

Hi M.! It sounds as though your parents are trying to support you, but their efforts are backfiring! I would have a meeting with your parents to discuss your concerns and your daughter's behavior. Set some ground rules. It is not up to your 13yr old to say where she is going to live nor should your parents be talking to her about it. I would also talk with your daughter...I'd set up a behavior plan for her to earn her weekend away with your parents ...if she exhibits the behaviors you don't want then she doesn't go for the weekend. It needs to be a simple plan and stated with positives. I'm not sure what the exact behaviors are, but identify about 2 or 3...(i.e. you'll get a check mark each time you do good listening,following directions, etc if you earn 10 for the week then you can visit w/grandparents....)
Just some thoughts!
Good luck!
K.

Hi M., well if she were my daughter, i would not let her live with your parents. She is only 13, she belongs with you and your husband. It sounds like when she acts up, shes coming home to see if she can get away with it. She need to be punished, with something, that she enjoys. Even if its going to your parents, take her cell if she has one,reg.phone, etc. Use these to punish her. Sounds like this is how i would handle her. Please let me know how you make out. ____@____.com D. OH ITS A I IN MY E-MAIL ADDRESS NOT R I8

Have you considered seeking counseling for both you and your daughter? Perhaps there are things that she is having a hard time expressing with such a busy household with many younger children in it. As a teen, she is looking for her own identity and craves space. Perhaps when she does the sleepovers at her grandparents, she gets that much needed space she needs. I wouldn't take it personally, as grandparents tend to spoil kids on short visits, and if she lived with them full-time things wouldn't be so rosy anymore. On a personal note, My cousin let her older daughter live with her folks as her daughter was also the oldest and not the biological child of my cousin's husband. Her daughter felt like "odd man out" and craved independence and felt that the biological younger children of the new husband and my cousin were more important that her, even though it wasn't true. It caused a lot of drama in the family and it ended up that living with her grandparents was the solution they came up with...however, like I said before, grandparents tend to spoil kids and aren't as young as they used to be to keep up with a teenager. Needless to say, she got in a lot of trouble living with them, didn't do well in school and wasn't held accountable for her actions. I think had my cousin really got to bottom of the issue instead of giving in to her threats of running away etc, things would have been different. You would NOT be a bad parent if she had to live with your folks, but it might be a good idea to think about family and individual counseling first. Giving a teenager the the power or choice to bounce from house to house, only feeds the fire and doesn't get to the bottom of the real issues. What if things didn't work out at her grandparents house since they will have rules as well...or should! Basically, if a change in living arrangements was made, it should be made by YOU, NOT her and NOT her grandparents. Teenagers tend to like to pull the "I don't have to live here!" card when they don't get their way, and if she thinks she has the OPTION of living with your parents, she will use it again and again to upset and threaten you when she doesn't get her way. Your parents also need to stop telling her she can live with them...that pits you against her and makes her have to choose...she's too young to make that kind of choice or have that kind of power. Tell your parents to stop encouraging that with her and if it ends up being a solution, YOU will make that choice. Chin up! Remember, your daughter loves you and would rather be with you...she's trying to find her way and is being presented with too many options.

I had a similar problem with my grandmother. My sister got pregnant and she told her to give it up for adoption or get an abortion. That sister ended up giving her up for adoption to me. Once she was born and came home my grandmother kept taking the baby for the day, overnight and then two days at a time and my sister got pregnant again and I adopted that one too. My grandmother eventually she kept telling me if it was too hard for me that she would take care of the oldest one. I have had my fair share of bad days but these babies are mine now, I am their mother and I will raise them. You should really put your foot down. I told my grandma that if she really wanted to help she could alternate with taking the kids to help me and to bond with each one, not just one of them. Ask your mom to take care of one of the other kids once in a while. Also try and find a way to get a sitter for your other kids once every other week or so to only spend time with your oldest child, tell her how special she is to you. I know how hard it is to take care of a child that makes things difficult but kids can do things they sometimes don't mean to do when influenced by other people. You really need to talk to your parents and your child. Get your parents to understand that you don't need them to take the child, you need them to HELP you take care of all of them. Telling your child how much you love her and that she is part of a family that loves her very much will make her happy. She is 13, she should be able to understand some grown up talk about feelings. You need to focus on the good parts of things or the negative things will outweigh and make you feel overburdened. The reasons your daughter wants to go with your parents is because she'll be the only child, they will spoil her and make her the center of attention and she is a child still so that is what she thinks she wants. If you make a special time for just you and her and try your best to make her included in as much as you can I bet you will see lots of improvements. Try not to be manipulated and make a decision you and your family will regret for a long time, this situation can be fixed it just takes patience, determination and lots of love.

I'm here if you just want to talk or ask things, send me private mails, okay?

~S.

M. i have the same propplem i have costody of 2 grannnnd children. they both no hue ther mom is. they older one goes to visit her mom . and she comes home likea monster. evan so her mom have no court oder to see them . i still let them go. it finally got so bad that we neeted counseling . no you are not a bad mother at all but you have to but your food down now or later you will be very sory . tell them you can go to grandmas twicea week , and the rest of the time you neet to stay home . an d do not give in . it seems your mom buts stuff in to there head like talking against you . if you want to give them up. then let your parants take costody . i dont mean to sound mean . but later on you will loose your children they might want to live with your mother . this is what i did. you can see your mom on week ends and no moore then that. good luck
B.

Dear M. B. I have so much sympathy for you. It must be very difficult to be raising 4 children, even without the problems with your 13 year old. Let me just say that a 13 year old girl can be so frustrating. At that age they are starting to separate from their parents and try out their independence, and it seems the mother is always the bad guy. Without knowing what kind of people your parents are, it is hard to say whether you should allow your daughter to move in with them. But it does sound like you have some issues with them. I wouldn't blame them for wanting you to to give her up for adoption or to have an abortion - this doesn't make them bad people - just worried about you I think. But now they have a grandchild, regardless, and it seems they care about her and love her. I would try and separate your issues from what is best for your daughter. If your parents can give her the attention she needs and can be a good influence on her (e.g., provide limits and discipline when needed), then perhaps it would be best. You would need to make sure your daughter understands that it is not because you don't love her but because YOU DO that you are doing this and that you will still be her mother always. And YOUR parents need to understand that they must make sure your daughter always hears that from them as well. No bad-mouthing or bickering whatsoever, and they need to include you as much as possible in making any decisions for your daughter.

Maybe your daughter desperately wants some one-on-one time with you. She might act like that to upset you because she is upset. Try to avoid conflict with her. At 13, it's near impossible to reason with them. Try to praise or compliment her for things you notice her doing. Invite her to do something with you - only you. Maybe visit her bedroom and ask her how she's doing, if she'd like to talk about anything. I don't know that I would encourage her to move in with her grandparents. That may be a test to see if you really care about her. If you don't care, you'll let her go. I wouldn't necessarily keep her from going either. I might say something like, "You know, it kind of upsets me when you talk of living when your grandparents. You are really special to me and I like having you here with me. Are you unhappy here? Maybe we should talk about it? Talk to her alone and in private - without step-dad. If she really wants to go, express your true feelings about it, and then her give it a go. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. She may realize life wasn't so bad with you after all. My son is 13 as well. His father and my family live in Michigan. He started saying he wanted to live with his Dad and move back to Michigan. Of course, I started freaking out (in private) because I know this would not be in his best interest. So I decided to let him go to Michigan for longer visits in the summer. We'd go for 2 weeks together (1 week w/his Dad, and 1 week with my family). I sent him back to Michigan by himself for an additional 3 weeks to visit with his father and my family. Well, just as I predicted, he no longer wanted to live with anyone else. The longer visits allowed him to see the "everyday" life without mom and the reality that "life" is the same no matter where you are. He was used to weekends or short visits where everyone catered to him. It's one big party, or so he thought. That's not the reality of everyday living though. Try to get at the heart of what' bothering your daughter. I'm sure it's much deeper than it appears to be. Reach out to her. It's when they act like this that they need us the most. Good luck!