R.K. asks from Chandler, AZ on April 17, 2008
10 Year Old Daughter and Boys
I have a 10 year old daughter who tells me off and on that she has a boy that likes her and what should she do. I think that she means what should she do about it. I am stuck on what to do about it b/c I have told her many times that school comes first and that boys can wait. She has asked me about what should she do if he wants to kiss her and she cant wait till her first kiss. Her father (who she lives with most of the time) and I disagree about sex before marraige and those kinds of issues. Im not sure what to tell her anymore. she and I have talked about relationships and a small bit of sex talk and pueberty. I havent told her the whole detailed deal about puberty and stuff cause she gets anxious , it seems to scare her a little too I think, and seems to want it to happen right away. I think she is trying to grow up before she is ready. I havent told her dad how often she talks about boys b/c he seems to not take me seriously and blows me off about serious issues. He has a girlfriend who is the same way. Plus I want to keep her trust so that she can come to me with these kind of issues. I dont know how to handle this b/c her older sister isnt interested in boys or relationships at all right now (she is 13). My daughter is a little hard to talk too b/c when I tell her important life lesson stuff she seems to not believe me and doubts what I am telling her is true. I want to bond with her over this kind of stuff. Oh yeah, she also is a person who likes please everyone and wants friends so badly. When she meets new people she tries to show off and acts very much the drama queen which to me isnt who she is and so she seems "fake". I just want her to be herself and have told her that people will like you for you and if they dont then they are missing out on a great person so its thier loss. I worry b/c when she does get into a relationship it may be harmful for her and she may do things that arent good for her. I understand all we can do is teach them and guide them, they have to make the choices themselves but how do I help her know what the right choices are when she gets so many conflicting messages on what is right and what isnt? How do I help her? is anyone elses kid ike her is it "normal" for her to be this way? aaahhh i feel stuck. thanks for reading my book. hahaha :)
More Answers
J.R. answers from Phoenix on April 17, 2008
R.,
My daughter is only three, but I already get anxious thinking about the "boy" stage.
I think you are taking a good approach. It is so important to educate her on the facts without going overboard on details too early. But at 10, she's going to be learning everything from her schoolmates -- right or wrong -- so it's better for you to be ahead of the curve.
Does she like to read? I think there's an American Girl book on preparing for changes, what to do in certain situations, etc. Help her to think ahead to how she might respond in a certain situation. Perhaps you can bring up a topic in the news (like a teenage celebrity who just got pregnant) and ask her opinion. Don't judge or offer too many insights, just keep the guided communication going.
Can you get her involved in other groups that may offer some healthy structure and feed her self esteem? What are her hobbies and talents? The better she feels about herself, the less likely she is to succumb to peer pressure. If she has a flair for drama, maybe encourage her to try out for a play. A volunteer activity can also broaden her horizons and give her something positive to talk about with friends. Just get her involved and keep communicating.
1 mom found this helpful
C.D. answers from Phoenix on April 18, 2008
I would definately applaud your daughter on coming to you for advice, rather than handling the situation on her own. I would have some alone time with my daughter, and tell her that you know she is her own person, and can make her own decisions, but part of your role as mom is to teach her and help her through life. Tell her what YOU would prefer that she does in this situation. Use real life examples (when you can) of instances where things haven't gone as planned. Your pediatrican may be able to help you with crediability. You also may be able to find some books at the library about babies, etc. to help with her ability to believe you. With as many teen pregnancies that are out there - my husband and I are going to take a firm stance with our daughter. He and I have learned from our mistakes, and we hope that our kids will be able to learn from our mistakes also.
C.E. answers from Phoenix on April 17, 2008
Hi R.,
Tell her you trust her to choose wisely
her friends and there are some very good
friends and there are some friends that
have no good intentions.
Now is the time to really focus on who she is
and what she enjoys doing. With four to care for
this can be a challenge however not impossible.
Since you have a a new teen already your very aware
of the growth that is going to manifest very quickly
and learning how to empower your daughter with her
own confidence is important every day.
Respect, Trust, Confidence, Personal Growth all apply.
C
M.S. answers from Phoenix on April 19, 2008
Wow...I would start having dates with her. Give her a heads up on what things will start happening to her body, mind, moods, etc. As far as her dad goes. What is he doing in front of her? I would have a sit down with him and make sure you and him are on the same page about moral issues ie. exposure to his/her intimate relations. she may be getting too much exposure and not enough intimacy from parents--therefore looking for it elsewhere..I was looking for boyfriends at 4th grade because of this. Explain to her only God gives value to oneself and God is Love and see if you can get a commitment to stay pure. Hope this was encouraging.
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