10 Year Old Daughter and Boys

R.,

My daughter is only three, but I already get anxious thinking about the "boy" stage.

I think you are taking a good approach. It is so important to educate her on the facts without going overboard on details too early. But at 10, she's going to be learning everything from her schoolmates -- right or wrong -- so it's better for you to be ahead of the curve.

Does she like to read? I think there's an American Girl book on preparing for changes, what to do in certain situations, etc. Help her to think ahead to how she might respond in a certain situation. Perhaps you can bring up a topic in the news (like a teenage celebrity who just got pregnant) and ask her opinion. Don't judge or offer too many insights, just keep the guided communication going.

Can you get her involved in other groups that may offer some healthy structure and feed her self esteem? What are her hobbies and talents? The better she feels about herself, the less likely she is to succumb to peer pressure. If she has a flair for drama, maybe encourage her to try out for a play. A volunteer activity can also broaden her horizons and give her something positive to talk about with friends. Just get her involved and keep communicating.

Hi R.,
Good for you that you aren't sticking your head in the sand about this. There is a wonderful program that addresses all of these "issues" called "Passport to Purity". You can get it on the web--go to Focus on the family--(google it--not sure of the site address.) It is a weekend type of thing--it has it all scripted out for you and tells you what kind of activities to do. Really wonderful for pre-teens and young teens and their parents. It helps with purity, reputation, sex, physical and emotional changes and peer pressure. I highly recommend it! Hope this helps!
K.

Wow...I would start having dates with her. Give her a heads up on what things will start happening to her body, mind, moods, etc. As far as her dad goes. What is he doing in front of her? I would have a sit down with him and make sure you and him are on the same page about moral issues ie. exposure to his/her intimate relations. she may be getting too much exposure and not enough intimacy from parents--therefore looking for it elsewhere..I was looking for boyfriends at 4th grade because of this. Explain to her only God gives value to oneself and God is Love and see if you can get a commitment to stay pure. Hope this was encouraging.

The situation doesn't sound like an easy one to deal with at all. My opinion is that she is old enough for the frank and detailed talk about sex and what happens - she needs to be aware so that she can make good choices for herself when you aren't there to guide her. Let her know she can talk to you about anything related to sex, that kissing isn't bad, and that wanting to do it isn't either. Just let her know that it leads to other things that she isn't ready for and shouldn't hurry to try - like having her own baby. Also, let her know that if she starts kissing boys now she will get a reputation of being an easy girl to kiss - which will lead to lots of boys wanting to try it - and more - with her but not because they care about her as a person. Convey the value of a caring relationship - let her know that is what you want for yourself and why you aren't married to her father anymore. Let her know the life choices you are making are not just for your own good but hers and her sisters as well. Best of luck.

Hi R.,
Tell her you trust her to choose wisely
her friends and there are some very good
friends and there are some friends that
have no good intentions.

Now is the time to really focus on who she is
and what she enjoys doing. With four to care for
this can be a challenge however not impossible.

Since you have a a new teen already your very aware
of the growth that is going to manifest very quickly
and learning how to empower your daughter with her
own confidence is important every day.

Respect, Trust, Confidence, Personal Growth all apply.

C

Weither or not you belive in sex prior to marriage is irrelavant, children are not frightened by it being a "sin" and she should be way to young to be thinking of sex, unless she sees a lot of that type of stuff. You need to explain to her the emotional and possible physical hurts and results like STD's, Preganncy and emotional scaring including feelings of loss, betrail and low self esteem. She is not emotionally ready to handle any or all of these issues, no 10 year old is. I am not a Christain so I could not fall back on the "sin" guilt trip, so I carfully explained the emotional ties (due to a chemical change in the body) that happen when a woman has sex and how because of this instinct we feel a greater emotional attachment to the man (no matter how worthy or unworthy the fellow is) but that men do not have this same binding. I also explained that most young guys are just desperate for sex and until they have it for a while they have a hard time controling their urges (in otherwords they haven't a clue about what love is) thus will say and promise anything and may go as far as taking advantage of a girl at a party etc. The sex talk and what I related above is important to have with your girl and boys too (mother's and father's need to encourage their responcablitiy in any relationship too). I have a 16 year old who has not had sex and a 19 who waited until she was 17 and will be married in a month to one of her best friends of 6 years because, she wasn't a sleep around type of girl, he could respect her. So take heed no ten year old is ready for kissing, petting or sex of any kind and you wil do a disservice to your daughter if she does not understand this, because if she has sex early I can guarentee the guy will not stay with her and then she will at the least have a whole lot of emotional bagage if not a child or a disease. I also explain to my children that they not only having sex with the guy, but all the other people he has had sex with and all the people those sex partners have had sex with etc...Food for thought. Celibacy is the best course until a person is physically, metally and finacially secure enough to support any issues caused by the act of sex.

I say talk to her casually about a boy you had a crush on at her age. Make it like a fun girl gossip type thing instead of a directional. It's important to hold the boundary btwn mother and friend, but sometimes you have to give a little to get through. Talk about a time when you wondered about the same things she does and maybe you got embarrassed or hurt. Also talk about the nice boy and how you thought he didnt like you until realizing that it was the other boys who didnt value you as a person. Talk about positive and negative attention and where it can get you. Tell her how imortant self respect is to being a happy successful adult. You can do it Mom, crack that shell!!!!!

I would definately applaud your daughter on coming to you for advice, rather than handling the situation on her own. I would have some alone time with my daughter, and tell her that you know she is her own person, and can make her own decisions, but part of your role as mom is to teach her and help her through life. Tell her what YOU would prefer that she does in this situation. Use real life examples (when you can) of instances where things haven't gone as planned. Your pediatrican may be able to help you with crediability. You also may be able to find some books at the library about babies, etc. to help with her ability to believe you. With as many teen pregnancies that are out there - my husband and I are going to take a firm stance with our daughter. He and I have learned from our mistakes, and we hope that our kids will be able to learn from our mistakes also.