18 answers

Help! I Think My 11-Year-old Is Kissing Boys!

Okay, I may pay for this from you guys, but I did a little snooping last night... My 11-year-old bonus daughter left her cell phone on the kitchen counter. And yes, I read some of her text messages. (First of all, I totally disagree with an 11-year-old having a cell phone in the first place - if it didn't come from her mother, she wouldn't have one at all.) Nevertheless, we discovered that she has a boyfriend. And apparently they just broke up this week. One particular text message said "So, the only reason is you like kissing me?" I was appalled. My hubby is very upset, and I think I'm probably going to have to be the one to talk with her. Question: how do I confront this problem without telling her how I found out? I don't think my husband would even dream about talking this over with her birth mother... They have a very strained relationship, and her mother is not the best role model to begin with. I think she might even be proud that her daughter is kissing a boy at this age... Goodness, what a pandora's box I opened!! Please give me any advice and experience you have. I thank you all in advance!!

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Tell her how you found out. You, as a parent (or step), have a right to snoop. If she's offended tell her, "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

A little snooping by a parent is okay. If they don't like it, tough.

10 moms found this helpful

I think maybe someone needs to talk to her about reputation and why it's wise to guard it. It's good to be 'sweet sixteen and never been kissed' as opposed to be 'sweet sixteen and never been missed'. If she's going to make it to sixteen and still be regarded as sweet, she might want to put the brakes on the kissing for awhile.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

Tell her how you found out. You, as a parent (or step), have a right to snoop. If she's offended tell her, "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

A little snooping by a parent is okay. If they don't like it, tough.

10 moms found this helpful

I have two thoughts on this.
You can pretend you didnt read the text messages and use this as a wake up call that the topic of boys and sex needs to come up soon at your house and you and her dad need to decide boundaries.
OR
I don't think an 11 yr old has a total "right" to privacy, they are children SO I would tell her you know she's kissing boys and then begin your speech from there... also letting her know that her phone is not PRIVATE to you and you will be monitoring it. Eleven is way too young to be kissing boys and having TEXT features..... next will be "sexting".... At least that's what I would be afraid of.
Good luck.

6 moms found this helpful

Even if you didn't give her the phone, when she is with you guys, it's YOUR RULES! Take the phone away. 11 is too young.

And just sit down and have another talk about EVERYTHING without singling out her kissing. Talk ABSTINENCE.

4 moms found this helpful

I agree with you that 11 years old is too young for a cell phone with any privileges other than emergency calls and calls home. (They do have phones with only those options. I also found out that ATT can put all sorts of limits on your child's phone.)
I have 3 step children and against our wishes they all have cell phones. Their mom got them for them even after being asked not to. When they come over here they have rules that include their cell phone getting shut off at 10pm and being left upstairs, away from them, to be charged. Both the girls would stay up until the middle of the night texting their friends. We told them all that we have the right to look at their text messages and anything else on their phones. They hate that and do everything they can to make sure we don't get our hands on their phones, including erasing the messages every night.
When our oldest was a junior in high school we got a shock when we saw the message to her boyfriend that read "What would you do if I told you I was pregnant?". That night we had "the talk" with her, because obviously her mom hadn't. The middle girl asked me if we were talking about sex. I had to ask her why she thought that and she said she had walked in on them. I think she really wanted to know what kind of trouble her sister was going to get into. She joined us for the conversation. (She was in 5th grade.) Dad took the oldest daughter out a few days later and made her buy condoms. He helped her pick the ones she wanted and gave her the money to buy them. He also told their mom. (We don't think she did anything about it.) Everyone figured out how we knew they had had sex. Until they move out of the house nothing is so important or wrong that it needs to be kept a secret.
I suggest talking with her about the rules of your house and that you expect her to follow them. Also, go over what the consequences are if she doesn't. Have her help you decide the rules and consequences. That way you can compromise if she doesn't like one of them. At the age of 11 this should include turning off the cell phone early and when it is off it needs to be where everyone can see it, not hiding in her bedroom. She also needs to allow you to look at it if you ask. If she gets another boyfriend, you need to meet him. This way you can decide if he is worthy of your daughter and what kind of boy he is. Since we "talked" with our oldest, we have met all but one of her boyfriends.
Hope this helps and lets you know that you are not alone!

4 moms found this helpful

We've been having issues with our 11-year old too. If I were you, I would sit her down and talk to her as though you have no idea this happened (that is if you want to keep it secret) and are just having "the talk" with her. Of course you're not going to go into detail with things, but ask her if she has any questions and talking to her about holding hands and kissing. See if she ends up bringing it up...and if she does, don't lose your cool. Just relax and tell her how you feel about it.

Good luck! I hope things go well for you! *hugs*

3 moms found this helpful

I think the first thing to do is to define whatever standards you guys want in your home. Like dating at X age, no boyfriends before X age, no kissing before X age. If these things were not established then I don't think she should be expected to know that she wasn't allowed to kiss a boy. Kids don't know they are too young for things, they see themselves as budding adults racing as fast and has hard toward maturity as they possibly can. We see them as children and I guess they are probably somewhere in between. I wouldn't come down on her for kissing personally, I mean, it's not like it was sex and it did already happen. I think I would tell her that I saw some of her texts were about kissing and I wanted to know how she felt about kissing in general and what did she consider ok in a relationship as well as what her friends thought was ok, I wouldn't ask for names or anything. I think since she has already started to dabble the best thing is to get info. Then talk to her about the fact that you understand that many kids and parents are ok with young people engaging in these things but at your house the expectation is (whatever it is), like no dating until 16 or whatever. You can do a little object lesson if you want. Get a suitcase and and fill it with as much heavy stuff as possible. Too heavy for her to pick up but you need to be able to do it. Ask her to try and pick it up, she should struggle or be unable to do it. Then tell her that is how dating, kissing, and boyfriend girlfriend relationships are for girls her age. They are too heavy to handle and weigh you down. When you are older and you will be able to pick this up with ease as well as handle a boy girl relationship. Then offer ice cream, it always helps!! Just a fun idea to handle a sticky situation. The main thing is I don't think she should be in trouble for liking and kissing boys, but she should be guided to wait on it a few more years until she is ready to deal with all aspects of a relationship.

2 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't bring it up that you looked at the text, ot even that you know about her kissing.

I would simply have a talk with her that she can always come to you if she has any worries and simply ask her if she would like to go out and have a girls date and chat. Tell her while out that she is a bright and beautiful girl and that she is entering into a world of dating and boys and that it's okay to have crushes, but taking it physical at this point is just too much. It interferes with school work and causes emotions that are distracting and hurtful and shouldn't be there at this age when she is figuring out who she is and such. You can talk about how boys and girls show affection differently and let her know her value as a young woman is too important to give to just some boy... and that not all boys have her best interest in mind.

You all obviously know her better, but that is how I would begin it.

2 moms found this helpful

If I am correct, 11 puts her in 6th grade??? It seems that really was the first kiss norm in my day. Certainly, you would like to keep her innocence, but seeing how she has already done this, it is just time to talk. I don't see the need to tell her you snooped, as that would probably cause distrust and she will probably be sure to erase the next text.

Just talk to her about what is next, consequences, and precautions. The S. E. X. conversation can now be a bit more in the open. She should know, boys try to get in your pants/top next, they will talk, rumors will go round, and young girls can and do get pregnant from first encounters. She should also know, sexually active girls must have uncomfortable vaginal exams and can get STD's that may be lifelong gifts.

I would love to tell you how to unwind this, but honestly moving forward is the best way to go.

Best wishes.

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