Abstinence And/or Safe Sex?

I definitely focus on the "safe sex" approach. I don't believe in "abstinence." I really don't expect my kids' first sexual experience to be on their wedding nights, especially because I don't want them to get married any sooner than about 28.

Brief conversations as the subject arises, beginning from when the kids are young, and over time they learn my views on things.

Abstinence.
They only way 100% way to prevent 1) unwanted pregnancy 2) STDs and 3) emotional disaster is to not have sex.
whether we like it or not that's the truth.

I agree with Amanda W. Abstinence, then safer sex!

Although, I have a few years before I have to deal with this!

Fact-based, EARLY education! Abstinence education is a joke and has proven to be a failure. Teenagers have an abundance of hormones and people have been screwing around forever, so you can let your kids know it's better to wait until they're older, and sex IS serious and should involve respect -both for yourself and the other person -but just saying, "Don't do it, or wait until marriage" is ridiculous. My own mother had always been open with me about sex, but she did say she wished I would wait until marriage. When I was around 18 or 19 (I started having sex at 16), I asked her -"What if I never get married? What if I don't get married for years? I'm seriously supposed to deny a basic biological need and drive?" She admitted it was pretty silly. Here's what we're telling our boys:

Sex is fantastic, but it's much better when you're a bit older and you're really in a relationship with someone.

Have random sex all the time with numerous people is a sign that you don't respect yourself and have some issues with self-esteem and acceptance. If you find yourself truly out of control when it comes to having sex with multiple people -picking up strangers, a different person every night, etc. then you need to seek some counseling and find out what the REAL issue is before you get hurt.

If you're too uncomfortable discussing pregnancy, birth control, abortion and adoption with a potential sex partner -you're too immature to have sex.

I would LOVE it and you ultimately would too if you waited until after high school to begin your sex life, but since that's a decision you'll make on your own -here is what you need to do (I have boys, so this is my boy-centered talk): -ALWAYS wear a condom! I don't care if you're dating a girl who tells you she's on the pill -you could still get an STD, and unfortunately some girls lie because they actually want to get pregnant and some girls just forget to take their pills. There will be a box of condoms in my sons' bathroom ALWAYS. I have no desire to be a grandmother until they are far out of college, and I certainly don't want them catching anything.

Anal and oral sex will not get a girl pregnant, but they can have big health repercussions and transmit STDs.

If you want to have sex with someone and that person says "NO!" -at ANY time -even if you're right on top of her and ready to do it -you STOP. Do not EVER force a person or "just go ahead" or take advantage of someone who is drunk or high and not thinking clearly. Only the worst kind of pathetic loser takes advantage of a person who is passed out or not in their right mind.

When you do start having sex or doing sexual things with another person, don't tell every guy you know. It's one thing -and perfectly normal -to admit you've done it or lost it or whatever, but even in the new millenium nice people don't spread the word and details about their sex lives and sex partners.

Girls who have sex are no bigger sluts than guys who have sex. I am AMAZED that this stereotype still persists -guys having lots of sex with different people is normal, but girls who do that are whores. NO -it's not a good idea for either of them (see above about respect), but one is not worse than the other.

Masturbation is awesome and perfectly natural! It's also very private! Go for it as often as you want, but no one else needs or wants to know about it.

Do not pay for sex. You probably won't have to, but not only is it illegal, you can get in a lot of trouble with STDs, mugging, etc.

I love our church's (Unitarian Universalist) program OWL (our whole lives) that starts age-appropriate human sexuality education in kindergarten through high school. We need it desperately in our schools!

Safe sex. 100%
I remember being a hormonal teenager, madly in love with the first boyfriend...at 15. And you bet, I was having sex him. No, I wasn't ready. But I was doing it anyway.

I'm not delusional enough to think that preaching abstinence is enough. To me, if you do that, it's just an invitation for your kids to lie to you becuase they think you don't understand what they're going through.

I will encourage them to wait until the're ready, and help them with how to decide when that is. But, I don't honestly believe that they're pass on it because I've "taught" them to. I'd rather they are prepared with protection and understand consequences.

The best way not to crash your car when your driving is to know the car operates. The kids are in their bodies all the time. I think intelligent education, not just about HOW the body works, but about responsibility, consequences, etc. is the key. You can teach someone to drive, but if you don't teach them not to text, etc. they have more of a chance to crash. Teach a kid that the BEST, most effective way to not get pregnant (or get someone pregnant) is NOT to have sex, but they need to understand the ramifications of behaviour, and that they have to be responsible for their CHOICES. They will be faced with big choices about this for a LONG time, so the more info and critical thinking and decision making skills they have, the better off they are. Just telling kids NOT to do it only works for very few kids.

From what I have seen with my own friends growing up, my friends who were fully educated about their sexual health, birth control and sexual responsibility (including abstinence) ended up being more responsible for when, and with whom, and how they were to begin having sex, than my friends who were taught that they just shouldn't have sex until they are married. A majority of my friends who were taught abstinence still had sex at an early age but it was mostly unprotected.

I plan on teaching my children everything they need to know about their sexual health, including negotiating skills so that if my daughter is kissing her boyfriend, for example, she knows how to say "no" and get out of an uncomfortable situation if he seems to be pressuring her to take things a little farther than she is ready for.

In an ideal world, our kids would wait for "the one" and for marriage before they start having sex and having children. I just don't think that's realistic. MTV's show Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 are pretty good cases in point.

Just my two cents.

Research shows that children who were taught abstinence have riskier sex, more STD's.

You can teach both, I will teach my son it is best to just not have sex but as a human it is your choice and if you are grown up enough to have sex then you are grown up enough to:
1. have a job
2. buy condoms
3. ask her to be on birth control
4. get tested regularly
5. have one sexual partner at a time
6. be prepared to be a father at any time
I think that kids/teens/young adults that UNDERSTAND fully what happens when sex happens are better prepared to accept abstinence. I have never understood where people talk about abstinence but do not talk about safe sex and consequences of sex in general. I missed the HPV vaccine question but they do have it available to boys now and when my son is of age he will be getting it and I would have gotten it but I was preggers when it came out and then too old afterwards. Oh well, but I do agree that kids should understsand both sides of the arguement and I am one of the kids who watched the 70's style sex ed class and hey, I waited until I had all of the requirements I mentioned above ... I think sex ed needs to come back in a BIG way!

Both. Of course you teach your child the truth about their bodies from a young age with no shame. This way they will continue to speak with you with no shame about their bodies. Use the proper words and names for body parts and get past your own uncomfortable feelings. Allow your children to not have shame.

Then you move on to reproduction.
Then about being in control and having rights with your body.

Abstinence is part of sex, as long as you want it to be. Of course it is the easiest way to stay safe and healthy.. But to expect people to not have sex till they marry, when people are getting married so much later or are not getting married at all is just not going to happen. We are human and so they need to know options.

I would like to point out that EVERY family has relatives that "had to get married" back in the day. Beloved grandparents, Aunts, Uncles.. Preachers, Teachers, Doctors.. It has always been this way. So now instead of unplanned pregnancies, we have the ability to protect ourselves..

It is just like seat belts. Teach your children to be safe in the car, on a bike and while having sex. This needs to be taught, Sex is just like Math, English and Science. It is something we all need to know the truth about.

There is so much emphasis placed on disease and pregnancy when it comes to teen sex. But so little is said as to their emotional well being. Pick up a book called "Epidemic: How teen sex is killing our kids". I once was contemplating not teaching abstinence because it seemed unrealistic. I will now strongly emphasize abstinence while at the same time teaching safe sex basics. That way your basis are covered. Ultimately, they will decide. When the time comes, i will have my daughters read this book too so they can see the enormous value of waiting not just for their physical well being, but for their emotional well being. Even if one does not make it all the way to marriage, the longer you wait and the less partners you have, the better. Can any one really argue against that?

Great question!!

I think abstinence is a joke to most kids. There is too much peer pressure to do it, a lot of social stigma that goes along when you DON'T do it, and too much sexual appeal on tv, the radio, magazines, etc.

I am a firm believer in safe sex... not just to avoid an unwanted pregnancy and STDs, but safe sex regarding mental health as well... meaning, don't give it up to just anybody, wait until you're with someone you truly love (and loves and respects you in return), wait until you're both comfortable and EDUCATED, don't do anything you're not comfortable with, make sure you're safe, don't do it in the backseat of a freaking car or behind the gymnasium, etc.

I remember in high school so many girls my age being upset bc so and so dumped them after they had their virginity taken, or the moment wasn't 'right'... the regrets go on and on and on. I don't want my children to have regrets once they decide they're ready. I'm very honest with them when they have questions, and I'm very comfortable talking to my friends kids about sex (their kids are older and hey, you don't really want to talk about the birds and the bees to mom and dad!) I hope when my kids are older, if they're not comfortable talking to me about it, will talk to some of my friends (or a teacher or guidance counselor or whoever).

Education is the highest form of prevention. As long as they truly know what they're getting themselves into, at the right mature age, I feel like safe sex is far more powerful than abstinence. I don't want my kids to feel guilty or shy or embarrassed about sex; it's totally natural AT THE RIGHT TIME AND AGE. I can't stress that enough. I can't totally stop my kids from having sex, but I can prevent them from making some pretty stupid mistakes if and when they're ready as long as they're well armed with the facts.

Just my two cents :) Looking forward to the other responses!

Our oldest son is 13 and I teach high school. I currently have 180 students; 19 of them are already parents, and 4 are currently pregnant. I think about this issue a lot. Like others, my husband and I teach our children abstinence first, but then teach safe sex. I talk about my students and their situations at home all the time, so my children know the possible consequences of sex. Some of my students are making it work, and are doing alright, but it's a tough road.

Well, there is no such thing as safe sex. There is, however, safer sex.

I will teach my children that sex and sexuality is a natural and normal aspect of our lives. I will teach them that in a committed relationship based on trust and respect that the physical/emotional/spiritual aspect of sex can be one of the greatest things shared between a monogamous couple. I will teach my children that sex outside of those terms can potentially cause harmful physical and emotional effects. I will teach my children to recognize their goals and their self-worth and then decide if their decision to be sexually active will compromise their goals and self esteem.

I know that nearly every person will be sexually active at some time in their life, so I feel it is important for my sons to have medically accurate information and access to anything and everything to keep themselves safe and healthy. This includes knowing the importance of abstaining until within a loving, committed relationship AND being aware of sexually transmitted diseases and contraception/protection methods.

Ultimately it will be my child's decision as to when he will become sexually active. Whenever that time is, I want him to be prepared and protected.

**Edited to add: As a sex educator, it comforts me to read so many intelligent women responding with such openness and common sense. Comprehensive sexual education has been statistically proven to actually INCREASE the number of students who abstain and DECREASE the number of pregnancies. Abstinence-only, fear-based, and marriage-based programs have very little data that support their methodology in preventing teen pregnancy. When only given the option of abstinence, if the child "messes up" or chooses to have sex they are then left with nothing; no way to protect themselves, no way to go back, and have nothing but guilt, fear, and shame that what they did was bad and that they're awful people. No one should live like that.

I am teaching my children that there is no such thing as 'safe sex'. Nothing is 100% sure as abstinence.

Safe sex - absolutely! Along with a huge dose of don't sell yourself short, don't do anything you aren't sure you really want to do and always feel free to come to me if you have questions about anything or just need to talk.

And if my daughter's friends feel they can talk more to me than their own Mother - I would not shy away from that either. If a child cannot talk to their Mother about something like this - the Mother should ask herself why.

I also fully endorse comprehensive and factual sex education from 6th grade up to the end of high school - each year getting more indepth and 'graphic' - we should not leave our children wide open to the realities of the world without some forewarning.

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Well, I think it's abstinence to a certain point and/or age then safe sex preparation.

Both.
She is now 13 and is all about abstinence but I will also teach her about safe sex (no so sure when yet) Of course it wonder if she would see it as I am giving her green light, I want her to understand that is not the case.
When I was in high school many of my friends got pregnant or got their girlfriends pregnant. 2 of them were First Honors students!! Yes, smart kids can make mistakes too.
I worry about my daughter having an unwanted pregnancy but I fear for her getting sick, I rather take my chances and teach her about safe sex then assume that she will never make a mistake and pay a deadly consequence.

My boys will be taught abstinence. It is the safest physically, mentally, and emotionally. Everyone makes mistakes, but I'm not going to teach them to aim low. I refuse to believe that "everyone does it" when my husband I did not and I know enough other young people, most of us Christians, who also waited. If they confess to me that they are choosing to live sinfully, I will want to make sure they are educated enough to protect themselves as well, but that is in the event of making a poor choice, not something they will be taught is a legitimate option.

They are two entirely different subjects-- Hpv vaccine is good for those wanting to avoid certain HPV strains in their children. HPV is one of the most common things that kids are picking up these days. I will vaccinate when my kids are old enough. As far as my philosophy, I think sexuality should be taught on a continual basis. Start early with acceptance of your body, loving your body and accepting differences in others then as age appropriate-talk about sex, values and respect. I plan to teach my kids that sex is a special time with the person I love. I want them to share that value too and what God says about sex before marriage etc.

M

Abstinence first with knowledge of the basics of safer sex. We believe better for our kids than we did yet we know that all people make choices that aren't the best. We do not & will not shame our kids about their bodies or the awesomeness that sex is - in it's right place. A friend once told me her father put it to her like this (and yes she was a virgin when she got married & is now in her 60's), "sex is like fire; in the right place and time it is wonderful, powerful, and a marvel. In the wrong place and time it can burn you more than anything else you've ever come in contact with." I know a number of young adults who are still virgins and intend to stay that way until married *and for everyone thinking they must be unattractive and.or extremely wierd (I know there are some out there - it's human nature;-))- I assure you they are not. Two of the young ladies are models for fossil & one of the guys is a sniper/eod tech (read man's man) and quite handsome.
Oh - yes I only have small kids now but have been through this very issue with my nieces.
*another side note - I'm full of those today! for the poster who said the vaccine is for cancer - NO IT'S NOT!!!! It's against HPV which can cause cancer but the actual thing is NOT a cancer vaccine.
OK - i'm done & have a wonderful day :-)

I taught my daughter that abstinence was best until she was mature enough to be able to handle any possible unpleasantness that might result from sex - mainly an unwanted pregnancy or an STD. I taught her that masturbation was a good way to relieve her own sexual tension with no possible unpleasant outcomes, and gave her tips on how to do it. I also taught her how to practice safe sex so that if and when she decided she was ready, she could minimize the chances of a pregnancy or an STD.

That is a tough question. I have a while before I decide my approach. I will say this. I would be FURIOUS if i found out someone else's mom was advising my child on the issue without my consent so the mom who said she is talking to her child's friends about sex is way out of line! Secondly, it is MY job to teach my kids about sex NOT the schools. Every family has an opinion on the issue and I don't think the schools should be deciding which one my kids will hear!!!
JMO