Hard Things - Building a Child's Self-Esteem
When I was in sixth grade, I started the school year in Honors Math. Mrs. Mechler. I still remember. Sweet older lady with heavy perfume and big jewelry. After the first six weeks, I made my first ‘C’ ever in that class. My mother immediately pulled me out and placed me in a “regular” math class.
I’ve heard that each person has several defining moments in her life, and I believe this was one of mine. You can’t handle this. It is more important for you to make good grades than to push yourself and actually learn something hard.
And that lesson carried with me throughout my academic career. I didn’t take an Honors English II class in high school because I heard the teacher was really tough, so I took a regular class and earned an A. Somehow I managed to get out of taking Chemistry altogether because I didn’t think I could handle the math, and all those letters on the periodic table of elements just looked too daunting to me.
I loved Biology, though, and when I went to register for my first semester of classes at my new university, I told the adviser I wanted to take College Biology. She gave me a look that quickly dissuaded me, so I signed up for Physics for Liberal Arts Majors and learned that toilet paper dissolves in water, but Kleenex does not. I graduated from high school with a 3.49 and college with a 3.5 – but what did I really accomplish?
Recently, a mom asked advice on boosting her 11 year old’s self-esteem such a heartbreaking and difficult struggle for any mom to witness. I heard a speaker recently say that a child’s self-esteem does not come from success but from working hard and attempting difficult tasks, regardless of success. I’m starting to understand why sometimes I feel really stupid and not worth much.
Enter Do Hard Things, by twin brothers Alex and Brett Harris. I picked up this book at the library, and I wish I would have found it twenty years ago. They propose that we expect too little from our kids, who therefore rise to meet the (low) expectations we place on them. They point out great historical figures like George Washington and Clara Barton, who achieved extraordinary accomplishments before they were eighteen because that is what was expected of them.
Today we expect young men and women to goof off, get into trouble, and scrape their way toward adulthood. We tend to be more proud of what they don’t do (getting into trouble) than the extraordinary things that they should be doing. If we, as parents, raise the bar and expect more from our kids, they will rise to meet and even exceed our expectations.
We’ve faced this recently with our kids. My ten year old daughter has just completed her fourth year at a classical ballet studio with a loving but very tough instructor. She doesn’t let them goof off, and she pushes the girls to do more than they think they can do. My daughter balked for the first year, but she loves it now and has done really well. She came from a studio that was a lot of fun, but she didn’t learn much. Our theory was that if we’re going to invest the money and the time in dance lessons, she needs to be taught correctly and with integrity.
When our son was six, we enrolled him on a club soccer team. His coach is from Ireland and is very, very good- but is really, really…loud. He yells a lot. A lot. He doesn’t give out praise generously- only when it is earned. He’s not going to tell the boys “good job” if they are not doing a good job. Those boys work hard. Oddly enough, they hold the highest respect for their coach, they bust their tails to do more than their best to please him- and they relish his praise. They know that when he gives it, they have earned it. They are genuinely proud of themselves when they please him because they know whatever they have succeeded in doing was really difficult.
Some parents may want to keep their kids away from such dance instructors and soccer coaches. They may want their kids to get more pats on the back and feel warm fuzzies at every practice. They may fear their children’s psyches being damaged if they or any other adult leader is too h*** o* their kids.
I say, bring it on. Don’t misunderstand me. We love and cuddle and praise our kids as much as we can. We tickle and play and laugh and joke around a lot. We affirm them when they learn a new skill or obey without whining (talk about “doing hard things”!) or help with a chore without being asked.
We focus a lot on praising the effort and persistence: “You didn’t give up! Great job! Aren’t you proud of yourself?” Our home oozes positivity…most days.
But- and I say this not bragging, but with honesty, and you could probably say the same thing about your own- we have smart, talented kids. They have huge potential. They can change the world. They can do great things. They are not going to do those great things if they are content with just “doing their best” and not pushing themselves to try things that are hard and that don’t necessarily come naturally or easily to them.
I’m really glad that my son is no longer the best player on his soccer team. I’m glad that my daughter is the youngest dancer in her class. The lessons they learn now about working beyond themselves, doing more than is expected of them, stretching themselves to step beyond fear of failure to try something regardless of success – that is what I hope will build strong, confident, world-changing young adults. Then I will know that I have indeed accomplished a very hard thing.
Jennifer Hunt is a wife, mom of three, doting aunt, writer, minivan taxi driver, and household CEO for their home in Texas. When she’s not in the car, she is expending creative energy at From the Corner of My Couch and Lives of Doctor’s Wives.
