Zero Sex Drive

Dear L.,
RE: zero sex drive: If after 6 months have passed, you feel the same, I want to make you aware of a medical research study that is going on right now for women concerned about their deceased desire. I am the study coordinator at the University of Pennsylvania, one of 77 sites around the US and Canada participating. You can get more info at www.DecreasedSexualDesire.com and if you are interested, you may fill out an online eligibility screen or call me directly at ###-###-#### (Penn's Center for Clinical Research in Women's Health.) M.

3.5 months is so soon! I think most women take 6 months to a year to really get back into it. There's this misperception that after the magic 6 weeks visit you're supposed to be ready and rarin' to go again, and I think that's actually few and far between. Not just the hormonal overload, but the exhaustion of taking care of an infant. I think if you want to help him out in other ways that's nice, but you're not obligated to. This is something that he should have thought of and accepted when he decided to make a baby! ;)

L.,

Have you tried just going out and just reconnecting? Having a baby changes the lives of everyone. Sometimes just going out like "before" helps. What about a romantic overnight out? This is a personal favorite for us. We spend a night at our favorite hotel and relax...NO KIDS,NO CALLS, NO WORK, NOTHING!

If you have tried these things and are still having issues, you have to remember that having a baby is a taxing experience, you just had a baby 3 1/2 months ago, your mind and body is still processing the changes so much so that sex is not on its top priority list.

This of course won't last forever but your husband needs to be patient and learn the art of self satisfaction in the interim. There is a huge section in borders, waldenbooks and barnes and noble on the issues that arise in couples after having a baby. My husband loved, She's Having A Baby and I'm Having A Breakdown.

It took me over 8 months to recover after a disasterous C-Section and about 4 months after giving birth to my oldest daughter (which was a vaginal birth) before I thought about having intimate relations, I didn't even want my husband to touch me in anyway.

Talk to your husband and be sure to keep the lines of communication open so that he knows what you are feeling and thinking. This is just a temporary situation. Good Luck and I hope this helps.

Bella

Just because you can't get in the mood doesn't mean he can't be pleased until you get back your grove. There are other was a man can be pleased (in many ways) . Until then help him rid his frustrations.
GOod luck
B.

give your self more time. dont plan to have sex let it happen. when you try to schedule it your thinking or the goal and that comes out to be disapointment. dont force yourself. you all have to engage in conversation and adore each other without being touched! promis it will work.

Hey L.! Just so you don't feel like you are the only one that feels this right now I will tell you I feel exactly the same. I just had my daughter 3 months ago and I can't get in the mood at all. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind. I am sure the feeling will come back soon, but we just happen to fall into that group of women who don't get their drive back right away. Our husbands will just have to be understanding about it. Good luck!

M.

Hi L.,
My daughter is almost 11 months old and I STILL hate sex (most of the time). Your husband will never truly understand because he doesn't have a uterus. But that doesn't mean that he can't try. Just this past week, my husband finally got the hint that it's just too much on me, and sometimes his advances are a TURN OFF. But he's told me that if I want him to understand me, then I need to understand him. He just wants me to give it a try once in a while, and if I'm just not into it, he'll be ok with it. I'm sure that he's not REALLY ok when I say 'no', but it is better than him hearing that 'you have two hands...use them'.
That is just us. What you also need is support...knowing that it is pretty normal to feel the way you do. You're hormonal balance is basically non-existent. If you look at it from a biological standpoint, your body and hormones are in mother mode, that is, caring for your young is the most important purpose of your life. Because you have a child to care for, you're body and mind are not in the reproduction phase. Mother nature is slowly healing and balancing your body. One thing to keep in mind is that it WILL come back. It will take time and it is different for everybody. My husband thought he was the luckiest man in the world when I was ready for some action at two weeks ( I had a c-section). But I think that was one of the last times I came onto him...just stress.
Don't feel bad about not wanting it. But if you think you feel up to it, give it a whirl now and then, as long as you truly want to and don't feel 'obligated'. It can do wonders to help relieve your stress as well. We keep it quick but loving.
I hope this helps. One other thing that helped keep my husband off my back, so to speak, was letting him read the responses on this site. I was going to post the same thing after an argument we had, soI pulled up a few of the requests similar to yours and I told him that if he ever wanted it again (aka...me understanding him), that he had to understand me. it seemed to help. he was still frustrated sometimes, but we haven't argued about it since.
Good luck.

Hi L.,
I know exactly how frustrated you must be when you want your body to do one thing and it doesn't. I didnt have a sex drive until my daughter was 6 months old. I know that hormones have a LOT to do with it but also being tired as much to do with it also. If possible, I would try to get someone to watch the baby overnight. Go out on a date with your husband. Maybe just not having the baby for the day/evening will be great for you. Good luck.

I think you are totally normal! Absolutely 100% normal. Your body has been through so much. I had no libido for a while, in fact I still don't really want to have sex that much and my son is 13 months. Just give yourself a little time. Maybe try to have a night out and have someone watch the baby. You may need some "couple" time. Then see where things go. Don't put pressure on yourself though. What I do now is that I try to plan to have sex well in advance of when it happens. I know that sounds so unromantic, but I need to do that and it helps. I have to work at getting in the mood, probably because my whole focus is my son now. Anyway, I hope this helped, I think I may have rambled a bit.

It is perfectly normal to feel that sex is the last thing that you want or hell need at this point. Your body needs some time to adjust to the new schedule that you are trying to keep right now. I use to prefer a nap over spending time with my husband. As time went by I started to feel more like me again & started to enjoy his "company" again. I think in the begining you are so focused with being a mom that you sometimes forget how to be a wife. As women we all are guilty of putting our childrens needs before our husbands but lets be serious our husbands are nothing but another child we have to take care of. Try putting the baby to sleep 30 mins earlier & spending that time with the tv off just chatting & catching up on things....if you are feeling insecure about your looks trust me he thinks you are the sexiest woman out there b/c now you are the mother of his pride & joy. Men see things so different than we do...But dont feel that you are alone on this. I know that I use to "do it" when he wanted just b/c he wanted it & I didnt...eventually I started to want him so much that he has to push me off him now...LOL I hope that my weird story helps a little. Good Luck...

Its perfectly normal for you to feel that way and your husband needs to back off. You're going through a lot of diffrent changes both physically and mentally. It takes soem time but you'll get back in the groove of things

hello there,
i dont know if i can be of any help but i went through something similar when i had my son....he is almost four now but for the longest time after he was born, i had no sex drive...i am talking years...i swore it was hormones..i talked to my doctor he said he thought it was because i was trying too hard to be super mommy that i wasnt taking care of myself..things have since gotten MUCH better...lol...but hindsight is 20/20..lol...and i realize it was several things...1. not being able to lose alot of the weight after i had my son made me feel very NOT SEXY,2.i was a stay at home mom so i was with my son ALLLLL the time..it was impossible for me to put him out of my mind,3.i never took time for ME... it was always about my son,4.my relationship with my husband was never able to be a priority...we dated,got married, and i got pregnant a month after that...5.i had problems my whole pregnancy and my son was a VERY difficult baby from day 1....i guess what i am saying is,look to see if you are so absorbed with being mommy that you are forgetting about you...i felt so selfish doing things for myself..i still do...but i realize sometimes i have to...and please dont worry about it...honestly,its only been a couple months....3 months is not long at all...i had a csection and i didnt want to do it for like 3 months after i had my second child...i would think a v.delivery would be even longer...there is a period of adjustment after having a baby(especially your first) that needs to happen...till you can get more sleep and feel more like yourself and start to feel good about they way you look and feel...that is all very important... dont lose hope...if it continues and you are still concerned, talk to your gyno...i wish you the best...R.

Well hun with the baby just being 3 1/2 months there is a good chance you are just tired. All the up and down at night and the care that they require at that age takes it toll on us soometimes. Not that it is a problem sice they are so worth it. I am just saying this because I have been with my fiancee for almost to years. Last year we got my neices to raise. One was 3 months old. with the middle of the night feeds and everything else, sex was the last thing on my mind. I was just so tired all the time. Now she just turned a year and things are get....Now if this presist....then I would talk to your doctor about it, make sure there are no other issues...I wish you the best. Ohhh and tell your husband that you love him very much...and that you do want to be with him so very bad..and your working on it explain to him how you feel and if I was right about the being tired and wore out tell him he will understand.

Hi L.,
I can totally understand how you feel. I felt like i was giving so much of myself to the baby, work, house and then it was one more thing to do before my day ended and i would feel like I was giving, giving, giving. My husband is very attentive to my needs but sometimes we (women)just don't feel like having sex. So, my advice to you is to either get a sitter and plan a date to go out with your husband (don't drink too much wine) and then have fun when you get home OR again, this takes planning so you can mentally prepare yourself, put the baby to bed, take a hot bath or shower (together too would be fun with Hubby), put on a nice neglige, romantic music and just let yourself go! Remember, sex is fun for you too and you deserve to have some stress relieved as well! Hope this helps! Oh wait, i just saw that hubby works from home! This means that at lunch time you probably have more energy than in the evenings or early morning, so why not plan a "nooner"! You just need to relax about it and maybe planning for sex is the key here. Hope this helps!

L.,

I have to say I agree with Jeni B. It took me atleast 6 months to be at all "into" it and another few to enjoy it. Your mind now has many new things to think about and be distracted by. If you are breastfeeding, your hormones are also playing a BIG role in your lack of desire. This is NORMAL. I also agree with Jeni B that your husband needs to cool off. Fortunately mine is a gem. I can tell when he's getting antsy, but he never pushes the issue. Talk to your husband about how you are feeling. If he understands where you are coming from and is willing to be patient with you, you will feel less pressure and stress, therefore maybe more "into" it. Also, I've found hearing ANY noise from the baby is a MAJOR distraction. Put the baby in another room, or you go to another room and turn off the monitor. You will hear her if she really needs you, but not hear every little noise. Also if you are breastfeeding, I found it helpful not to be full, that is either spend time with your husband right after she has eaten or after you've pumped. It helped me feel less like the "mom" and more like the "wife". Hope this helps some, but most important, be patient.

J.

Oh, L., I know exactly how you feel! My daughter is nearly a year and a half and I've only recently really begun to be wanting and willing to have sex. It was the wierdest thing because I was a sexual person before pregnancy and pretty much revolted by the thought of it after I became pregnant. It kind of felt like I didn't even know who I was. I started feeling guilty about my husband and detatched from my (former) self. Just try to remember that it is totally normal what you're going through. It is a natural reaction to what you have been through and what you are going through now. You're in mommy mode, not lover mode. In essence sexual attraction and drive is just a biological urge to procreate, which your body knows is not what you need right now - you've just done it! Also, your body has in a sense been ravaged! This little person lived inside you for 3/4 of a year, and if you're breastfeeding is still living off of you now! The physical and mental exhaustion that having a baby brings onto a mother is immeasurable. And one thing you must never, never, never underestimate is hormones! Your husband really needs to understand that, too. His support will be key in helping you build your confidence, desire and willingness back up. I did have to explain to my husband that it wasn't him, it was me and my body, my womanhood, and that now was a good time for us to fortify our relationship in other nonsexual ways. Also, that being a woman, a lot of our sexual desire stems from an emotional place and if we are feeling inadequate or guilty or pressured or resented or resentful (the list could go on...) it can and will negatively affect our sex drive. This in particular was really hard for him to get, but he did eventually and that brought us closer together, too. You'll make it through, don't worry and don't allow yourself to feel guilty (it's not good for you)! You don't owe anybody anything except to be a good mom to your sweet little baby! Congratulations, by the way and good luck!

Hi L.-
My name is also L.. I live in Lansdale and just became a member of this website. I'm not sure if you are still having a problem with this, but think I might be able to help. I have 3 kids and have my own Slumber Parties Business. I help empower women to add some spice in thier bedroom. Being the mom of 3 kids, I am NEVER in the mood :) I have some wonderful products that will help increase the mood to have fun (wink wink) If you are interested in more information,send me an email. Slumber Parties are in home parties that are ladies only. They are a ton of fun and a great way to connect with your girlfriends! Love to hear from you!

L.
____@____.com
www.slumberparties.com

Well i am sorry to hear that i work full time and am getting ready to have my baby soon i hope i am a mother of a five yr old and i have no sex drive at all i find it easier to have sex when i talk nasty to him in emails and he responds and that turns me on so i am nice and hot by the time i get home but you take ur baby to wrk where do u wrk