Why Is My Mother Treating My Kids Unfairly?

It's just the age thing. I send the older kids in my family more. A 1 year old dosent realize an amount and is not as interested as say a 3 year old in opening the gifts, just be glad she sends them love in the form of holiday gifts. Be thankful, some moms dont send things for the children.

Happy Holidays
C.

I think to put things in perspective, 1 year olds do not really grasp the whole "gift" concept, where as 2-3 year olds do. You mom may just be practical in this sense. She may have also noticed that the older daughter is outgrowing clothes, and the younger one has hand-me-downs. If this is the only time you have noticed a discrepancy, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I don't have any answer as I don't know your mother. However, if you think about it logically, does it really matter at this point? A one year old doesn't really understand or care about presents at this point. Whereas your 2 year old does. She may have given more gifts to the oldest simply because older kids like to open presents and the younger one will just get bored and eat the paper. Or, she could be treating them differently; maybe she isn't thinking about it in terms of "fairness". Gifts are not to be determined by degree of fairness, only in the intent of the gift (ie something may be cheap but is exactly what the receiver wants). My oldest son only wants the blow up punch balls, so that is what he's getting - from everyone! My baby could care less what he gets as long as he gets to try to eat the wrapping. My suggestion is to ask your mom.

first of all as yourself being a mom u should not feel this way that ur mom treating ur kids unfair .
1 year old will be happy with one thing even plus she did send lots of stuff for her , it does not matter what she send or how much it is worth . what matter is that she cares and she did send .

take it as all of the other moms has replied that the one year old does not understand what is going on and she did not do it to be unfair to ur kids .

my mom do the same i have 3 kids she used to and still is getting the older one the most gift and the young one the less gift .

we as a mom we try to be fair with our kids so i know where you are coming from as when i buy something for my kids i do get for them the same amount of stuff and make suer i have spend the same amount of money on the 3 of them . but i can't ask my mom to do the same .

my mother in law never gets anything for my kids my son is almost 11 years old and he only got 2 gift from her in his whole life . my 9 years old got one gift and my almost 4 years old got nothing .
does that tells me she does not love them or care about them no but yes she is being cheap when i know she have lots of money and bothering to give them anything . so relax and enjoy your holiday and enjoy your mom just thank her and think how good she is as a grandmother to your kids .

good luck , Happy Holiday .

A.

Well I always tend to buy my older nieces and nephews an extra gift, because the babies don't really seem to care! Maybe that's the way she feels.. Does she seem to favor her in any other way? Maybe she found a good sale on your older daughters sized stuff?

I understand that must be upsetting, and it may be that your mother is just playing favorites. Other possibilities:

Is it possible that this is an age thing? I mean, 2 1/2 year olds 'get' Christmas and like gifts, 1 year olds don't really care. (And you can't really judge by what she gave the oldest when she was 1, either, because you always overdo it with the first child on gifts, toys, etc!).

Is it possible that she is trying to make sure that your older child feels really special and has lots of goodies to recognize that she has had to make a big adjustment with a new baby around and is sharing Christmas for the first time with a sib?

If you really think that she is just playing favorites then it is imperative that you tell your mother, 'we need to have them receive the same number of gifts- I don't want any reason for them to feel hostile or competative with each other.' If that means less gifts for both, cool.

Because, you know, their relationship to each other is primary- they will be alone together in the world someday when all the older family is gone and they need to have good, happy memories of holidays and childhoods where they felt equally valued.

Well, this is unfair. Unfortunately, being treated unfairly is something very common in my husbands family ( and perhaps in many), we get 500 dollars to spend between us for Christmas gifts ( which I am really grateful for) but the daughters get 10 000 dollars each per Christmas for their families, plus trips and vacations etc. We are not supposed to know abut this, but we do, of course.
But this between your girls, at least it would seem you could be able to say something to your mother about this, for this is your mother after all and she might not be aware of her doing something unfair. You can ask her, after thanking her, something like, "are you aware that you sent a lot more for Hannah than for Lila? Or, I noticed you had an easy time finding gifts for Hannah but harder time for Lila? Have you asked yourself if your mother is getting old and perhaps confusing the two girls... ( you could even ask her if she is confusing the 2)?
As it is now, Lila, will not know the difference, since she is so little ( and this could also be why your mother did this), but perhaps you can ask her if she is aware that if she continues to favor one or give more to one, this could be very unfortunate between them. It seems awareness needs to be raised here, and if you bring it up in very gentle ways your mom ought to be able to just see your point.
If she still continues this way and obviously is favoring the older child, then i would wrap some extra gifts for Lila and say they are from grandma. We have compensated sometimes in this way, and most of the time, the kids don't even care that much. The thing is for you not to care, but be happy for what she does give you, and if you have tried to talk to her, then it is better for you to move on emotionally. We can't even talk to my husbands mom about her being unfair since she even denies she gives any more to her daughters than her sons ( and her daughters have very wealthy husbands so this is not why).
Remember people will sometimes do what they do and it is sometimes hard, but it is important to not make things like these get you down, life is too short.

I'm not sure that you will ever be able to answer that question. I had 6 children and my mother had favorites. She regularly gave different amounts of time and gifts to them. It was hurtful, especially when we often really needed some things, but I didn't want my children not to love their grandma, so we just joked about it being "grandmas quirkiness" and I taught them that love wasn't always shown by what they received. I think being grateful to your mom and telling her how much you appreciate what she does give and seeing her when she can come is all you can do. If you keep judging and resenting it will eventually negatively affect your relationship with your mom and hurt you even more.

I think you might me over-reacting. Your 2.5 year old is at an age where she knows what present are, but your 1 year old has no clue. Also being that she is younger means that she probably doesn't need as much since she more then likely plays with her older sister's toys and wears some of her older sister's clothes that she's out grown. My boys are 13 months apart and play with the same toys and my youngest wears his older brothers out-grown clothes. My youngest turns one tomorrow and everybody has been asking me what he needs, and I have to say nothing! Because he really doesn't need anything. If it still really bothers you, tell your mom to buy them equal amount of gifts just to be fair. But again, with your girls being so young, they probably don't even realize that they got a different amount of presents in the first place.

I would not look at this as loving the children differently. Your one-year old is not going to know what she get for Christmas, but the 2 1/2 year old is going to be excited and love to open presents. I would imagine favoritism has nothing to do with this. Next year when the baby is older, your mother will probably treat them more alike. It is wonderful she sent gifts for each child this year. Gifts do not have to be similar in volume or price to show love.

Hi D.,
Maybe your mother just thinks gifts are more of a big deal to your older child.... which most likely they are. A lot of times my family and friends put more thought into my 5 yr olds gifts becuase he actually cares what they are. Is money tight for her? I dont know, if it botherrs you that much you could always take some away and make it even I guess. Sometimes people are weird and prefer boys vs. girls or vice versa but I wouldn't know since theyre both girls.

Um, not to be rude but your 1 year old is a baby.. she wont get the gift anyways and wont care if she got nothing! You mother probably knows just that and would rather spend her money on your daughter that will understand it! Now if she were 5 and 3 then I would think there was a problem...but your just freaking out over nothing!

Maybe it's because your 1-yr old isn't aware yet of what she's getting. Your 2 year old may have some idea of what Grandma is giving her. I have 3 kids: 7, 3.5 and a 9 month old. We are spending more for my 7 year old because he is more particular about what he likes and his gifts are more expensive. My 3 year old likes dress-up and will settle for cheap ones, since she uses them for so many things and is not that careful with her toys (fine by me). We are giving my 9 month old hand-me-down toys that are tried and tested by siblings and neighbors. He doesn't need new toys. We are saving up for the day when he does become more aware and requests for more expensive electronic toys when he is older like big bro.(i.e. video games). All in all, I'd say give your mom a break. Focus on the fact that she is giving your kids positive attention, and that Christmas is really a time for us giving to others, not counting things that other people give us or our kids.

Does she get to spend more time with the older child? Maybe since you youngest is only 1 she feels she doesn't need as much! I would ask her whats up? Or if you feel its unfair split the gifts up yourself. Give the younger child 1 of the books. I would definantly say something! It does seem a little unfair to me. Good luck and I hope things work out!

I agree with the advice you are receiving here and also say this: My mom gifted my older daughter with more when they were little because she felt that the older one is also dealing with sharing everything with a new sibling. The 1 year old will never catch on that she didn't receive as much and she doesn't need as much either. Eventually, all their belongings will be communal.

Let it go and don't make your mom feel bad or self-conscious about this. If it continues in years to come, then ask her.

I have a couple of suggestions...
Maybe she feels closer to your older daughter? Or maybe somehow her likes and personality make her easier to shop for. I have this problem with my niece and nephew. I got to spend a lot of time with my niece and I know her very well and I know her likes and dislikes. Plus, I think girls are easier to shop for. I haven't gotten to spend as much time with my nephew and he's younger so his likes and dislikes haven't had time to take shape as much. However, with that said, I always try to make their xmas gift as even as possible.
Another suggestion is that maybe she feels a one year old "won't know the difference."
A gift is a gift though so I wouldn't bring it up. You might come off as sounding ungrateful even though that is not your intention. I'm sure when your youngest gets old enough to realize there is a difference, maybe her innocent mind might enable her to ask herself...good luck!!

No that you wanna hear people being devil's advocate but I kinda agree w/the previous mom. At 1yrs. old, your little one doesn't know the difference. Maybe your mom wasn't sure what to get since she is just one & probably hasn't really showed a huge preference for particular toys. Plus, she has hand-me-downs from her big sister so maybe your mom had that thought in mind while shopping. Don't stew about it, just ask calmly ask your mom. That said, I also kinda agree w/you. We have 2 boys: 7 & 2.5 yrs & my in-laws clearly favour our older son. They give him way more attention & put more effort into buying him gifts as well as money spent on the gift. It's been that way for 2.5 yrs. Our younger son doesn't notice it yet, but he will soon. He gets their attention w/o problem, get thems involved w/him but once big brother catches on, gets jealous & steps in, then they move onto him leaving little bro in the dust. I think by the time my younger one notices, my MIL will be 6 feet under so I'm not too concerned about it. How's the that for Christmas cheer!? Again, I'd suggest you calmly talk w/your mom about so you can get it off your chest instead of stewing about it. Hope this helps & Merry Christmas!

Dear D,
It may also be that your mother has a different perspective. One year old kids don't care what they get! They just like playing with the tissue and fun paper! She probably knows this and will get more into it as the child grows.
Give yourself a break on worrying about this one. Motherhood has enough to worry about without getting obsessed with a gift tally. You're fine!

S.

My mom and mother in law are very similar. There is only one thing you can do. Talk to her. My mom is like her mother so I dont think she even realizes it hurts my feelings that she doesnt visit either. I learned through marriage counseling that she can't give me what I need if I dont ask. I'm still working on this too. The gifts, Im not sure about because my prob is my M-inlaw favors her daughters children over ours. So its a lil different.
My reccomendation, talk to her about it. Maybe tell her if she continues your older child will not recieve the extra gifts and you will return them to your mom. If she doesnt make things fair then you should. The kids dont realize now but they will, especially girls. Later it will hurt their feelings. My grandma favored my sister and I dont like her! Hoped i helped a little. good luck.

Hi D.,
It could be that your mom thinks that your 1 year might not understand the meaning of "gifts" or "material things." She certainly doesn't understand "quantity." But, it bothers you and you should talk to your mom about it. Good luck.

You should just tell her you feel like she is treating your kids different. She might not even know she is doing it.

Maybe there are other reasons for her actions and many of them stated before and I thought of a few myself. It may be as practical as she found more stuff for your older daughter when she was out shopping or even bought duplicates forgetting what she'd previously purchased. I'm also surprised at myself when I can't think of good gifts for ages my daughter has passed, how soon we forget what those little ones are like. Also with the lead and toxins in toy situation I'm scared to get anyone (including my 5 year old daughter) any toys. She may have financial concerns, Many of us wish we could get more for the ones we love and if you're not careful the budgeted money could be gone before all the gifts are bought. If she doesn't treat them differently otherwise it's probably some other reason. If you're comfortable with her you might ask. Doesn't have to be now, you could wait a few months if you think.

Ask her. Maybe it is because she feels the littlest one will grow out of stuff faster, who knows? I too have a 3 yesr old and 7 month old grandgirls. I sent the 3 year old all kinds of stuff and the baby got one soft toy. I love them both deeply. Ps. it is not what you give by spending money... it is what you give from your heart that matters most.

to me it sounds as though she is spending money on the one who knows whats going on, I'm sure the one year old cant quite grasp these consepts yet. I wouldnt take any offense to it unless it continues as they get older.

Hi I'm reaching here but maybe she just feels like you have a lot of stuff and having 2 girls there is already hand me downs-so they will end up her's some day anyway? I also think your 1yr old dosen't know or care-she's one! wait until they are 3&4 or 5/6 they will know the difference.... she is giving them the same of things they could likely fight over- give mom a break and the whole retail nightmare too-ther is much too much STUFF in this world -we try not to buy so much for our littler guy, now because he dosen't know or care and he is 3! --give mom a break- she already did this! I wish my mom were in this world just to give them a hug....

Of course nobody can say for sure, but just from the info given, I'd say your mom probably is looking at your daughters ages and figuring your 1 year old doesn't need all the new clothes because shes one and doesnt care, and she has all your 2 year olds hand me downs. I'm sure as she gets older and more into the presents your mom will step up. Try not to worry and be grateful to your mom so she'll always want to send presents!!!!!!!

Hi D.,

I don't think you are over-reacting! I would likely feel the same way! I think your feelings are valid- I would suggest talking to your mom, when you are both in a good mood say something like: " Thank you so much for your gifts. They are very thoughtful.... I noticed that Hannah has quite a bit more than Lila." and see what she says in response. You may find that she doesn't see it as inequality just age (and budget) appropriate. If she doesn't say anything I would suggest you tell her how you feel using I statements " When you give Hannah so many more presents than Lila, I get concerned that Hannah will think she is more important than Lila." or whatever your concerns are... the key is to use I statements so your mom doesn't feel you are blaming her for your feelings.

Especially around the holiday I think communication is the key. Most everyone is more sesitive this time of year.

Happy Holidays!

I think it makes sense to send these two different ages different presents. Your 1 year old will have no idea that she is not getting as much unless you tell her. I'm sure as she gets more aware, your mom will be sending her more stuff. Don't focus so much on the gifts. Of course she cares about your one year old.

Maybe it's just me, but maybe your mom is of the mind that since the 1 year old is well, only 1, that she isn't really aware of the gifts yet, and that it doesn't matter, where as your older daughter knows about presents and stuff, you know? Anyhoo . . . stressing out only makes it worse. My mom treats my nephew like the golden child because he was her first grandchild and it took me a little while to realize she's not treating mine like number 2, it's just that she's had more time with the other one.

Don't stress! No mommy needs that at this time of year.

C.

My mother does the same thing. I have a 6 year old and a 4 month old... I asked her about it. I had a feeling, but I was curious. Of course everyone has their own reasons, however the explanation my mother gave me was:

1. The youngest is still to young and doesn't really expect/know whats going on.

2. The oldest needs a little extra something because she is going through jealousy issues. She needs to feel a little extra special too.

3. The youngest will eventually be wearing them as well. (at that age they dont know the difference)

So as a mother it almost feels as the little one is getting shorted, perhaps they are. However at this age its practical, and its a balance that sometimes has to be made. Usually it balances out as they both become aware, and older.