Where Do You Ladies Turn When Your Mom Is Gone?

A.,

I feel for you, and it's OK to be emotional. I lost my mom in 1997 to a drunk driver. After all the years of calling her to say "Hi, I've got some news, but "no" I"m not pregnant..." I finally had a daughter in 2002 at age 41. It's one of the saddest things in my life that I didn't have my wise mother to call when I was pregnant and ever since.

I'm a pretty independent person, but I've made the effort and I have made some good women friends in the last few years. I'm so glad to have them. And yet, they don't come close to my mom.

I just lost my dad last month, too. I'm glad I have siblings...

I empathize with you. I'm 68 and my mother died 5 years ago. I still miss her and want her advice. I sometimes have conversations with her in my head. I remember how she lived, what she did in similar times and this helps me think thru what I'm dealing with.

By the time my mother died I'd already built up a support system of friends and a therapist. I frequently consult with the therapist. It's so good to talk with someone who is impartial and has a good way of talking thru things to find options.

Well my mom died in 2008, she had a LONG battle and was winning, with liver cancer. She was doing so well. We all went to Kansas City,MO for Thanksgiving. We sat on a hotel bed together talking, she was holding my then 9 month old daughter. She started to cry, she said "Martha I am glad I made it to this day, that my last child had a baby, I feel complete." A week after that she became gravely ill, only to find out that a tumor had reappeared and this time it blocked her bile duct. She was rushed to emergency surgery 2 hours from where all my siblings and I lived. We had to do everything we could to get there before they took her in. They told us it was not likely she would survive the surgery. We made it just as they were going to put her to sleep. Each one of us got all of 5 minutes with her. She was so strong so calm. When I took her hand, I begged her to be around, mom I say, please I need help with my baby. She said I am always with you, even if you die. Then she looked strangely at me, she looked around the room and said "honey where is that baby, I said: mom shes here with me. Mom says, no not M, but the little one the new one. Me: MOM I dont have one I am not pregnant. My mother smiled, she brushed my cheek and she said soon then martha soon. I will be with you always" I marked it up to the medications and all the pain she was in she was not coherent. My mother didnt wake up. After surgery she lapsed into a coma. Where she contracted Toxic shock and her system slowly shut down, She never had a lucid moment. She died January 4. I was devestated. I didnt sleep or eat, I cried and cried. 2 months passed, I was sitting in my apartment, folding laundry and I felt someone grasp my shoulder, and I SWEAR my hair moved. I wasnt scared I thought it had to be her. A few weeks later I felt sick. Always tired. My sister said take a pregnancy test. I did. I was pregnant. Now I am married to man from India, my husband is fairly brown, black hair, black eyes. I am white, very white. Blue eyes, Red/blonde hair. My first daughter is brown like dad, auburn/brown hair, and black eyes. So when I had my second and they handed her to me, I looked once at her, and I began sobbing. They took my baby from me and asked my husband to calm me. They were so worried about me. I assured them I am ok. I want my daughter back. That I wasnt crying for sadness. I cried for joy. My second daughter was a white blonde, white, bright blue eyed baby, with the same dimpled chin and cheeks of my mother. She was a carbon copy of my moms baby pictures. She was named with a Hindi name for light and her middle name was my mother. Everyday I look at her I see my mom. I feel my mom and I know my mom is ALL around me. If I need her, I talk to her, If I need advice I talk to those that have kids the same age. I dont feel alone but I wish she could have been there to be with my kids. I KNOW shes around but I miss her hugs and kisses and goofy laughs. She missed out also on my sons birth last year. He was a dark brown, black haired, brown eyed bundle of joy. I am not religious but I truly believe we continue on as something else.

I have built up a great network of friends who, don't care that I'm not perfect, know that sometimes my life is just a mess and are ready to help pick up the pieces and give good advice and are ready to protect me like I have been a piece of their lives forever. I will do the same for them. I know it's not the same as having Mom there with her wisdom, knowledge of your backstory and the knowledge of when to say what, but if you build yourself a support system of various friends who are ready to have fun, but be there for the not pretty stuff too. They will be willing to call you out on things, you will fight, you will make up, you may go on vacations together, you may drink and hold each others hair, you may stand behind someone while they talk to someone they don't have enough money to pay a bill. You will find them just to be there. Look for these people they are around, build a relationship, then be there for each other, best of friends are the family we choose. Hugs for you. Also this may be a time when perhaps doing a search for a church that feels like a good fit could make you feel better as well.

Hugs to you!

I am lucky to have my older sister and my MIL. Both of them are great and fill the mom shoes. My mother is still alive, but our relationship is polite at best due to an ongoing level of selfishness that is beyond belief.

Having a family member that can be there for you, or a friend is great. But a good therapist can also help as well. I got therapy when I was 22, and it was one of the best moves I ever made. While she was not a "shoulder to cry on" exactly, not a huggy replacement for a mother, she became a solid foundation for me to build myself up on. She was an ear, a rock, a sounding board, etc.

Talk to your aunt about how you feel - that you don't want to dump on her. I know that my sister has her own issues, but that my dumping makes her feel appreciated/loved because she can be there for me. And I let her know that she can dump/vent right back. Hope that helps!

I have an AWESOME step-mom. In some ways she's probably better than my mom would be if she was still alive because Carla and I started our relationship from scratch the year before my son was born so there's not all the baggage and old garbage that my Mom and I had....

freinds and family can help but u know its alright to still talk out loud to ur mom i think they still listen to us even when their gone u may not get answers but i think it mit help u feel better and u mit be surprised u mit get answers from her in some way

Hi A.,
i am deeply sorry for your loss.
Some thoughts:
1. have you ever read 'Motherless Mothers" by Hope Edelman. It is great.
2. I do have a mom, but not really....I have tried in life to build a support network of good girl friends whom I can rely on...It is not the same as a real mom...but it does help.
3. Also, in time, try to learn how to mother yourself. It is good for your children to see how you take care of them and you.

Hope the above helps a little.
Jilly

First my husband, then my grandma, then friends. Lastly if you need more help and comfort, a counselor.

My mother passed away about 3 years ago. But she was never a support for me, nor was anyone in my family. Trusted friends are who I turn to.

I lost my mom is 2007 so I completely understand. This might sound a bit silly, but I love my animals. I like just talking to them, specifically my Pomerinian or the Siamese I had before I left my grandma's. I don't even have to call the pom (Reese) into my room anymore, she can tell when I become distressed and just follows me and will cuddle me or lick my fingers till she thinks I feel better. She'll sit and wave her head and shake her tail and if I ask a questions I sometimes do get a response of a little whimper or small bark and poms can smile :) Its hard without a mommy, and I feel super blessed that a woman who isn't even related to me in the least has helped me as much as she has the past two years

It's a hard thing to go thru, that is for sure and just as soon as I feel like I've gotten a little better w/handling it......WHAM! Something comes along and there it all goes. My mom died in 1998 - 3 weeks before my oldest daughter was born - she was my mom's first grandaughter, her little miracle. She wasn't there to see her born, but she did see her the first u/s we had and we gave our daughter her middle name. I don't think you ever get over something like this, but a place like this is where you need to be to connect w/others to talk about things. It's hard for me to talk to my friends about it because my mom was young when she past away, she was only 57 and most of my friends mothers are still alive, annoying them - disrupting their lives. I love when they complain to me about how they really can't stand how their mom does this or that & I look at them like are you for real or they ask my opinion on something and I'll just tell them that I wish my mom was alive to be a little too overbearing in my children's lives. It's hard sometimes, but you know what, the way that I have tried to look at this is that their job was done on this earth the day they left, they knew that they put into us all that we needed, they knew that we could handle things - in a way it was them giving us our own wings. See that, I'm having a strong moment, I haven't cried a tear yet, but once I proofread this, it'll all be over. Hope you feel better.

I'm very close to my mother-in-law and talk to her about a lot of things. If I want non-family ears and advice, though, I'm close friends with someone I knew in college. She was the administrative assistant in my department and actually graduated with my MIL, but they never kept in touch, so she's the same generation as my in-laws. (My parents are a bit older, but I'm not close to my mom anymore, live far from home, and lost my dad this past May.)

I get together with this friend once a month for coffee before work and she is always wonderful to share with or get advice from. I have a few friends I can exchange "messed up life" vents with--we know it goes both ways so nobody's only dumped on, we share the love. Sorry you're missing your mom so much right now. I've been missing my dad a lot this week, too. :(

My mom and I lost my grandma in February of 2000. Since mom had me when she was 16, I spent a lot of time with my grandma, and my mom leaned on her a lot to not only finish growing up, but to raise me.

It's been really hard without her, for both mom and I...so we've learned to lean on one another.

I don't know if you have a sibling or perhaps a cousin who was close to your mom as well, but perhaps you too could find solace in one another.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know this, though...when you talk to her, she hears you. No matter when you are. And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear what she has to share with you...and feel the love she still wants to share with you.

Be well and blessed.

This has been a hard one for me! My mom died two years ago, and at the time my kids were 3 and almost 1. It breaks my heart on a daily basis not to talk to her, see her, have her seeing the kids and to be able to get advice or vent with her! I really don't have anyone who has or can fill that void. I have some amazing and great girlfriends and my husband is great to talk to, but I think in the long run -no one really compares to mom if you've had that type of relationship with her. So, not much help here, but just a post to say I completely understand where you're coming from!

I am bawling at my desk. This mom thing gets me every time. You know they both watch over us. I Love you bestie of 26 years. Take one one day at a time. We didn't see most of this coming as kids, did we? It'll all work out : )