My boyfriend is the father to my son who is 15 mo. old. My boyfriend also has a daughter who is three years old. I met my boyfriend right after his daughter was born, as embarassing as it is, my boyfriend concevied his daughter from a one night stand. We didn't plan on having a child together, ecspecially me, because the relationship with his daughters mother was extremly stressful, and full of drama. However, when I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I agreed we could give this child a good life. Siince then, some things have become more complicated, such as my boyfriends mother has established a good friend relationship with his daughters mother, and has undeniable favortism twords his daughter. My boyfriends daughters mother has made dramatic accusations twords me, fortunatly, all of them have been recanted as soon as we give her what she wants. My boyfriends daughters mother also calls or text us at all hours, sometimes to the point of being harrassing.My boyfriends daughters mother also has taught her to say nasty things when she comes over, like "******* stupid" "daddys a jerk" "mandas a slut" Keeping all this in mind, I have thorwn up my arms, I can not handle all this stress in my life anymore! I don't want all this stress in my life anymore! So why would I want my son to have to deal with this? I have asked everyone in the family to be respectful twords the fact that we want to minimize the drama in our sons life. I asked that my boyfriends parents don't show our son pictures of their granddaughters mother or other son. Also, not to allow my boyfriends daughter mother around my son when they are babysitting. And finally to not to talk about the situation around our son, along with any other negative talk. However, when I mentioned this alot of my boyfriends family were offended, they think it is stupid and that i'm jelous of my boyfriends daughter. This is upsured, I just want my son to have a healthy start, a happy childhood..taking devp psych has really opened up my eyes to what little things can be catastrophic life altering event in a childs life! what should I do?
I will do what is best for MY son because i'm oviously the only one in this family that is looking out for him!
Have you tried sitting down with the other mom? Maybe go out for lunch & talk about it. Sit down with his parents & do the same. Sounds almost like they're looking at you as "the other woman", like you're the one that messed up their relationship. If you do that & still nothing has changed, I'd think about moving on unfortunately.
Good luck!
Remember, you chose to have a child with this man and all his drama.
Where is your BF while all this is happening? What is he doing to prevent it? Why isn't he talking to his family? The two of you need to be united.
Also, why is your son going over to his mothers? Why are you and your son having contact with BF's one night stand? Ignore the texts, if she calls you, don't say anything other then "please hold on a minute" and give the phone to BF. It's his responsibility to deal with her.
What should you do? - Simple, remove your child from the drama.
If your boyfriend cant step up to the plate and be a good father to his daughter than that will help you decide how much you want him in your son's life. It is not healthy for her to be told bad things about her father her half brother or you. Her father needs to stop it, He needs to tell the mother he will sue for custody claiming she is being raised in an unhealthy environment. (this threat may stop the problem) If he allows this to continue, if he doesnt tell his parents to respect you and his son, if he doents fight for his daughter to be raised better than that, than you know he doesnt have the back bone to be a good father.
A.,
It is awful that your family member's treat you and your son that way, but you posted this same question yesterday but stated that you drew up a contract to make them stop showing favoritism towards one child. Here's the deal, a lot of people's in-laws make them crazy. Mine included. But you can choose to let them make you crazy, or simply roll your eyes and live your life loving that sweet baby of yours. If you get caught up in the drama, you are not minimizing it for your son. Let them be as dramatic as they want...turn your cell phone off if the texting gets to be too much. Those things were originally meant to be for your convienence, not so that they can harass you. Let the little girl know that while acting and saying things like that may be acceptable in her mom's house, it is not acceptable in yours, and make sure she knows the consequences for doing so. You have to take control of your life.
You need to have the issues with the daughter's mother addressed. Parents shouldn't bad mouth each other (or their SO) especially in front of each other. It is not right and is not allowed according to family court. Your BF needs to have these things addressed immediately (including no late night communications unless it is an emergency concerning their child).
Since they have a child together, it is unreasonable for your son not to know of the other mother (since she is the mother of his sister). It is reasonable to ask your inlaws to not leave your son w/ his daughter's mother but to expect him not to see her at all would probably be unreasonable.
Stop engaging in the drama and embraceyour BF's daughter as your own (I realize that she is not yours but if you are going to have a future with this man you need to embrace this child...if you aren't, she is still your son's sister).
I read all this about everybody else except what the deal with your boyfriend is. What is HE doing about all this drama? What kind of stuff do you and he "give into" regarding his ex-girlfriend? You say she recants her allegations when she gets what she wants.
As badly as his family and her family are acting, I am not seeing any redeeming qualities in this man you've had a baby with. Instead of the developing psych you're studying, why don't you take this man to real counseling with you, drop the psych speak, and work with him to get him to man up with his family and his ex.
If you don't, you will be the most miserable in the whole bunch. And marrying him would be one of the biggest mistakes you could make.
Dawn
Does your son's father live with you? If so,it's up to him to stop the drama. The two of you decide what will work for your family and then he sets the boundaries with his family.
It would help, tho I know it will be very hard to do, to find a way to feel compassion for the mother of the 3 year old. She and her daughter were abandoned by your boyfriend who made a baby with you. He did her dirt to be blunt. He owes her much respect and child support. Is he providing for his daughter financially and emotionally. If visits at your house are not working he needs to find a way to spend time with her somewhere else.
I suggest that there are 2-3 sides to this story other than yours that you are not considering. Please take a step back and listen to the others in a sympathetic way. You be the calm, stable mature person. Set your boundaries without being critical or blaming others. Encourage your boyfriend to be kind and sympathetic to the ex who is the mother of his child.
I don't understand why the grandparents can't have both children at their house at the same time. You say the three year old calls you and her father names. She's 3. you can stop that. Treat them as you'd treat "bad words." A time-out perhaps. And then give her lots of love and attention so that she realizes you're not what her mother says.
I suggest that, tho it's very wrong for her mother to be using those names in front of her daughter, she may have good reasons to feel that way. The best way to stop the rancor is to be nice, be sympathetic, work on understanding what is happening from her viewpoint.
Like it or not this other woman and her child are a part of your family because they are a part of your boyfriend's family. Cutting them out of your life will not work. You have to find a way to accept them as they are while setting boundaries that work for you as well as the rest of the family members. Co-operation and compromise built on compassion will help a whole lot.
Talk with your boyfriend and come up with steps to keep your own little family unit as peaceful, kind and respectful as possible as soon as possible. You guys are a team :) Seeing a counselor together would be helpful as you can come up with strategies for dealing with such tricky family relationships. Good luck!
