What to Say After a Miscarriage....

A VERY close friend of mine had a still birth at 9 months gestation. Even though I have exerience in the field of grief, I was shocked at how many people were either inappropriate with her or just withdrew and said NOTHING. That was so very h*** o* her. This will be a long road for her probably and she will need people who don't always try to make her feel better, or don't talk about her baby or ignore her grief. Being there and letting her know you are there for her, even if she need to cry and not talk or if she needs to sit in silence can seem uncomfortable for some of us, but that's what's sometimes needed. Telling her you know how she's feeling, or she can have another child or all things happen for a good reason or justifying the miscarriage by saying maybe there was something "wrong" with the baby will NOT help. She had hopes and dreams for her baby (as we all do) long before she found out the baby's heart stopped beating. My best to all of you...this will be a tough time. My friend joined Mother's of Angels; an online support group...I don't know if what their guidlines are, but I know it has been VERY helpful for my friend...

Start with, " I don't know what to say"...seriously. Say i am sorry. Offer to bring over dinner, or take her out to a movie or dinner or coffee or a drink. Or all the above. You know what he likes. Avoiding her is the easiest thing for you, and the hardest thing for her.

E.,

The best thing to say is "I'm so sorry and I'm here for you if you need to talk and I'm here if there is anything I can do for you." There isn't anything you can say that will make it better but there is a lot you can say that will make it worse.

:-)T.

I am so sorry to hear this. How awful. If she is interested in getting support, you might pass along this link to her: www.emptycradle.org We have monthly support meetings in El Cajon, Vista, and Temecula. We also have phone support if she doesnt' live in the area. She is not alone. Sadly, there are many famlies who have experienced thiese types of losses. There is support out there for her so I hope she knows that.
OK, so to answer your question: First of all, I want to say how great it is that you are so sensitive to her feelings. It's so awful when you want to help but you are afraid of saying the wrong thing. My advice to you, just based on experience (my own as well as that of others) is to keep it simple - "I am so very sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make it better but I just want you to know that I love you and I am here for you, and I am thinking of you everyday". Something like that. Try to talk less and listen more. Don't be afraid of saying nothing. Just let her know how sorry you are and leave it at that.
You might want to read more on this website:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/resources_faqs.shtml
I am pasting some info below as well from this site (SHARE network). I would also check out Empty Cradle, there are lots of resources on there too -

Friend’s Grief
__________________________________________________
"I’ve never experienced the loss of a baby. What am I supposed to do to make my friends feel better?"

No matter what you say or do, there is nothing that will make your friends “feel better.” Fortunately there are some ideas that will help you be a part of their experience and will help them through their grief.

If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Sometimes just being with them or offering a hug is enough. It’s all right not to know what to say. Say, “I’m sorry this happened,” or “This is so awful, I don’t know what to say.”
Respond to your friends’ grief just as if anyone other member of their family had died. Send flowers, sympathy cards, share special remembrances, and make a phone call, make or bring dinner. Even though this baby’s life was short, your friends lost their hopes and future too.
__________________________________________________________
"It’s been a couple of months. Why aren’t my friends over the loss of their baby?"

The death of a baby is very sad and life altering. The intense grieving can take up to 24 months, not all of them spent in deep sadness. The best thing for you to do is help them through their grief. Ask sincerely, “How are you?” and be ready to listen. Sometimes parents can verbalize what they need from you, so you will know what you can do or say to comfort them.

Do your best to acknowledge the baby that has died by using his or her name. This will show you value the short life of their baby and that he or she is not forgotten.
Grieving parents may be saddened at certain times of the year or by special events, like birthdays, due date, delivery date, Mother’s or Father’s Day, because they are reminded that their baby is not here. Your friends need your support and acknowledgment during these days.
After a while, people stop calling or dropping by, which can be a lonely time because they may feel that people have forgotten their baby. Make a call or write them a note to let them know you care. __________________________________________________________
-Good luck. I hope this helps. -Suzi

The best people to ask is people who have had a miscarriage. I have asked the same question you are. I think the best things i got were to encourage them to name thier baby, it is not some hidden secret. This baby existed, and it is ok to talk to about it, let her know that.
I do not know what her "beliefs" are, but according to Gods word, she will see that baby heavan if she is a believer. That brings great comfort to those that believe.

E.- you definitely should call her right away. I myself having experienced a miscarriage know how much more depressed and lost she is feeling. I doubt she would expect you to have any great advice or that you would know what to say.

Just by calling her and making plans for just the two of you to go to a movie or something would be great. It doesn't hurt to say that you are at a loss for words but that you love her and want to help her get through this.

There's a great spiritual book called "Gone to Soon" that really helped me grieve appropriately and work out my feelings.

Good Luck and call her frequently.

I would say what you said right there. You can't take her pain away, just support her. When mine happened, my friend gave me a magnet that had a quote..."life is not measured by how many breathes we take, it's by the moments that take our breathe away."
Show her you care by being there today and then keep checking in with her.
All the best,
A.

I've been through miscarriage and failed IVF transfers. You've gotten some great advice here. These things are devastating. I agree with the other posters that the best thing you can do is to offer your love and support. Saying less and listening is best. In my case, I didn't want to talk with anyone about anything personal for a while. My husband and I just cocooned in the house. If this is the case with your sister-in-law, don't be offended. I would just drop her a handwritten note that says I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm here if you need a friend. She'll appreciate it.

Good and kind advice from all. Call and let her know you love her and care. And then just be there for her, cry with her, listen to her. Do it more than just once - check in with her at least every few days for a month or two until she feels ok. Send her a note or take her a meal. Or a chocolate cake you can indulge on together. It is very kind of you to care about her.

Hi there - sorry for your loss. Be there for THEM, the boyfriend must be feeling the loss too, so acknowledge his feelings as well. They may not want to talk but don't give up, at least every couple of days make contact ask how they are coping, be prepared to listen and tell them exactly what you said in your post. You were looking forward to a nephew and you are sad for them, your words can mean alot to them. Please don't let the fear of not knowing what to say avoid contacting them.

Been there so i know the feeling too. This can take a while since everyone grieves differently. she may experience post pardem depression, especially if she was already depressed before and at 4.5 months her body will experience hormonal changes. so please suggest that she seek counseling.

I'm sure they will inject her to try and abort the fetus, so keep in mind that she will have to "deliver" a stillborn. So many different things to consider, so devastating to the parents. just make yourself available, don't go too long without checking on them.

It looks like the others have given good advice. The best thing would be to express your sympathy, let her know that your thoughts and prayers are with her, and just be there for support. Be a good listener if that's what your sister-in-law needs.

Things I would not say (they bothered me after I miscarried): Asking if she plans to try again to have a baby, telling her that she's young and has time to have another baby, talking about when your kids were babies or about your delivery experience.

Tell her you love her, hug her if in person and that you are sorry at the loss of the baby. Acknowledge that it is a loss and was a baby. Expect her to go through a grieving process. Reassure her that is normal and that you will be there to support here through it.
I am sorry to hear about her loss. My sister lost her first baby too (I had 3 boys).
God's blessing,
H.

Hi E.,
I have had a miscarriage and it was the worst period of my life. Offer your support, your shoulder to cry on and comfort her by just saying "I'm so sorry for your loss." Just be there for her. Comments like "It just wasn't meant to be" or "You can try again" do not help. I remember my parents coming over and my father, not knowing what to say/do, was very cheerful and talked about mundane, stupid things, totally avoiding the subject. That hurt me very much. So acknowledge the great loss, lend an ear or a shoulder, offer to do menial tasks around her home while she grieves -- and you will be most helpful. Keep in mind, this process can take a month or two...thos mommy hormones are still raging in her right now and those do take a while to dissipate, unfortunately.

I'm so sorry for your and your sister-in-law's loss.

You don't need to say much more than that you are sorry for her loss. Some people say too much and it is not good. But the best thing you can do is to contact her and say something. She will have a need to talk about "it" and needs someone to listen who will JUST LISTEN and not give advice. Do call her ASAP, she needs to know people are thinking of her at this time.

AFter having one myself, there is not much you can say to make us feel better. Just tell her you are there for her if she needs to talk, tell her you are sorry for the loss of such an innocent and precious life, and tell her she'll always love her baby. Don't tell her she can have another one someday....the thing is, we wanted THAT ONE, not another one. It's very painful. You can't take the pain away, it has to fade within time. I still feel pain when I smell the scent in the bathroom (where I lost mine), even though I'm 4 months pregnant again. I will always remember "Baby July" and grieving is natural!

Just call and say how sorry you are, etc. and if there's anything you can do, to let you know. Then just listen to anything she has to say. But just make sure to make that call, because a long time ago when I had a miscarriage, my sister-in-law never called me (but she told my mom that she was going to) and I have never forgotten that she didn't call me.

Hi E.,

I'm so sorry about your sister-in-law's loss -- and yours. Obviously you care about her very much.

My hubby is a rabbi so visiting mourners is something we, unfortunately, have to do frequently. Through his wisdom and my experiences I have learned that it is usually better to listen than to talk. Tell your SIL that you are so, so sorry for her loss and ask her what you can do to help. If she doesn't know, just do little things to show you care. Bring her a meal, take her out for a walk, go out for a simple cup of coffee, hold her and let her cry.

Then, let her talk to you -- she will guide you in how she is feeling and, if you're close enough, she may express to you a whole range of feelings, many of which are sure to feel contradictory, confusing and upsetting to her. The most important thing is not to be judgemental and, believe it or not, not to offer advice, just reassurance that nothing she is feeling is wrong in any way. Give her an avenue for feeling and expressing her grief. It is a process that needs to be worked through before moving back into everyday life.

May your family find comfort during this difficult time,

R.

Don't offer anything, just listen. Ask how she is doing, how she feels about this. You never know what her take will be and that will give you a cue how to proceed. At 4.5, I'm sure you know, she's going to go through a bunch of hormonal adjustments so her answer today may not be her answer tomorrow. Tough for her and the family. Best to you and I'm sorry for your loss, as well! Jen

You are so thoughtful- just be honest with her and tell her what you told us- how sad you feel for her and why, and how you don't know what to say but want her to know you care for her and want to be there for her. And then go be there for her- just be with her, spend time, tell her she doesn't have to say anything and neither do you. You can ask her what she needs- to listen, cry, or be distracted. You can also tell her that you'll keep checking up on her, and then do- maybe she won't feel like being around anyone at first, but will want company later when everyone else has sort of forgotten about her. Tell her to let you know but if she doesn't that you'll keep calling her. It sounds like you are a wonderful sister in law. I wouldn't mention anything about trying again- just let her grieve this baby.

I have always found, "I am so deeply sorry for your loss" to be a appropriate thing to say to anyone who is hurting.
Then do something nice - without being asked. good luck

E.,
I would say that you are so sorry for her loss and ask her if there's anything you can do for her. Listen to her if she needs to talk/cry and just be there for her. She will need lots of love and support over the next few months. Good luck.

E.,

I definitely know how hard miscarriages can be! I have had six and 3 were still births! It is a terrible thing to go through! I think the best thing is to offer love and support and just let her tell you how she feels and let her know what a great mom she will be when the time comes! There is no good time to go through a miscarriage, but this definitely seems to be hitting below the belt! Just follow the feel of the conversation and be yourself! Good luck, show lots of love to her, it is a tough thing to go through!

Send her a card letting her know how sad you are for her and that you care about her. Let her know that you want to give her space, but that you're available to talk. Mention that you'd like to bring her a meal (if she's close enough) or get together with her as soon as she feels ready to talk. Encourage her to call you when she feels ready. A card expresses your thoughts and care without putting her on the spot. You've put the ball in her court and she can respond as she wants. If after 2 weeks you haven't heard anything from her, then call her to see if she got your card and to mention to her how you've been thinking of and praying for her.

Your poor sister-in-law. Sometimes when it rains, it pours.

All you need to tell her is how sorry you are that she lost the baby. Tell her you love her, you're thinking about her and that if there is anything you can do to help her out, that you'd like to. Just let her know that she's not alone.

Good luck.

You did the right thing. She will talk about it when she is ready, just be prepared for the outpouring that may happen. I miscarried the first time and it was very difficult, but life does go on and she will come out of this. It really helps to know that you have support out there if you need it.

The same thing happened to me back in 2002. I'll be praying for your sister in law. As for what to say, it may not seem like much to just say you're sorry that this happened, but sometimes its the only thing the person needs or wants to hear at first. I didn't feel like talking about it with anyone as I was so heartbroken (it affects me still). But I have a great support system - loving husband, family and friends - I always knew that IF I needed or wanted to, I could go to them to talk, vent or cry on their shoulder. They didn't bombard me and waited for me to go to them - I really appreciated it.

Hi Erica-

You really have gotten great advice and resourses. I have had several miscarriages and they are really hard, both physically and emotionally. My advice is to really listen to her, and not feel like you have to say anything to fill the silence. People sometimes say things that aren't helpful when they are looking for something to say. Some mom's have already touched on what to say but I have one more. People said to me that it was God's way. That something must have been wrong with the baby and it was God's way of taking care of things. That very well may be, but at that moment, with hormones raging and tremendous sadness, it made me mad at yet something else.

You are a wonderful SIL. Be supportive and loving and it will be so appreciated.

E.,

I would pay her a visit instead and let me tell you that actions are stronger than words...

I don't know how close you 2 are, but if you go visit her and take her something nice to eat, just you're presence will allow for the conversation to develop... sometimes people just need a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold theirs during such a time...

Be there for her and try to help lift her spirits... that will help her get through this.

Try to be more of a friend than just a in-law relative.

Take care and send my heart felt condolscences to her.

C. B.

I think anything you could say except "You're young and can try again." Express your sympathy...say that you are saddened by what happened and will be there if she wants to talk or needs anything. Let her know you care.

Just be her sister. Get her out of the house, bring her most favorite smoothie or Starbucks drink... hug her and love her up... After a miscarriage, it's a lonely feeling and most of all
as Mothers, we feel inadequate when one is lost. Do acknowledge her loss.

Also, you can offer to filter her phone calls and take messages for her. Let the rest of the world know she is okay and needs time to heal.

Praying for your family,
M.

How about hello I am so sorry for your loss, what can I do to help ! saying a prayer for her helps, after the call then send her a card.. every bit helps.. how about a plate of food for her & the other...

How very sad for her, I will say a prayer & light a candle for the baby..