What Do I Do??? - Milwaukee,WI

You can't control who your niece hangs out with, or what she does. You can, however, set ground rules for what goes on in your house. No drugs, no drinking, no staying out late, etc., or she's out of the house. Ultimately, it is up to your niece as to how she wants to live her life and raise her child.

If you don't think the aunt is taking adequate care of your niece's child, point that out. Help her find another daycare solution.

E., you must be a saint helping to raise two children at such a young age! I just want to start by acknowledging what a huge job you have and how important you are to this niece and her baby.

It's a challenge to parent while juggling a job and a household. Parenting a teenager with a baby has got to have lots of challenges too.

Here is my advice: You are doing all you can to help this girl and her baby. She is young and going through the hardest stage in the teen years. Stay steady, make rules, hope she follows them and then let go. One day, she is going to be grateful for your help - once she is old enough to be able to reflect on how hard you had to work to make sure she and her baby were safe.

Read parenting books ~ when you are on your break at work each day, take a little time to read them. First choose books about parenting the baby and then focus on the teenager. Leave them lying around so that she can see them. Consider assigning her the books to read as a part of her obligation to repay you for housing her and her child.

You need support honey! Do you have any other grownups around that can help to watch the baby and teach your niece when you aren't around? Look for help from other women. Find one that you trust and ask her for help. It takes a village to raise a child - it's OK to find a village for yourself and these two children.

My daughter's 17th year was hell for all of us - they only hellish year she had, which leads me to believe that it is a really hard year for the teenager. Your niece is living in her hardest year while bearing the responsibility of having a child. She'll be out of it in due time... The question is, how can YOU get your needs met. You are the one that is doing all the work - how can this change? Who can you call on for support? Ask for help E.... you deserve to have some help...

Hi E.
I agree with cassandra. You need to help your neice find other options. Is your niece in a teen parent program. If not I think that would help a TON. Good Luck :) T.

E.,

This is a tough one. Unfortunately, your neice is way past the age that you can "forbid" her to do much of anything. All it will do is encourage her to hang out with this girl even more. Your best bet is to try to get her involved in something better. Find her some better associates. The best place to look is through the community - a teen center, group for teen parents or a church.

She is probably having your aunt watch her child because of convenience. If you don't like the situation, then find her a better one and suggest it. Your neice is nearly an adult by age, and has already thrown herself into parenting (intended for adults only) so you are going to have to sit down and express your concerns and council and brainstorm together with her. You can't just forbid her like she is three years old. It will backfire. You have got to work with her, show her how much you love and care for her and be an example to her.

And good for you for taking so many positive steps in your own life. That is a hard road, but you are setting a good example for your neice by taking it.

Good luck,
S.

First of all, God bless you for everything you've been doing for your neice, and everything you've accomplished! You're an amazing woman!

Thinking back to when I was a teenager (seems like forever ago), I remember wanting to do all the things my mom told my NOT to do - just out of spite. But when she'd sit me down and be honest with me, and reason with me like I was an adult, I was more likely to listen and follow her advice.

You most likely can't control who she's going to hang out with (she'll just do it without telling you), I agree with what others have said - you can control who comes into your house and the activities that take place, so that's one step you can take. And as for the baby, you'll definitely want to help her find other child care. Whether it's through resources at church or even online (I think there's a childcare link on mamasource, isn't there?), help her find a more trustworthy person to watch her precious child.

Good luck and you're in my prayers!

HERE ARE A FEW REFERENCES YOU MIGHT FIND HELPFUL:

www.truestep.org Cheri Peters is a recovery success story with a wealth of information. I highly recommend her book "Miracle from the Streets", though your case may not be to the same degree as hers, she has valuable lessons for anyone struggling with addiction and recovery. Visit her "store" for more resources.

www.yourlri.com/store/products.cfm Ron and Nancy Rockey also have a wealth of information and several recovery series DVD programs. I highly recommend the "Binding the Wounds" series. It has amazing insights as to why and how we cope with the struggles in our life, it shows repetative cycles and methods for breaking them, and it backs scientific facts with Scripture (even if you are not a Christian, I know you will find this series useful). This will help you not only find victory for your own recovery, but also help you to understand why your niece is making the choices she is making... and hopefully will help you find the best way to reach her.

God bless!

Dear E., You have a lot of courage to undertake so much.

Parenting your adult children is perhaps the biggest challenge we face as parents. What complicates your situation is that your niece, at 17, still needs an active parent, but becoming a parent herself has pushed her prematurely into being considered an adult. I think we have to remember she is not yet an adult, and it sounds as if she needs help making wise choices.

The problem really isn't the aunt's bad influence but your niece's inability to resist temptation and take responsiblity for herself. Limiting your niece's association with her aunt probably won't work. You can't enforce it. You can, however, expect her to return to and maintain the levels of accomplishment she had while her aunt was gone. Without criticizing or running down the aunt, try to show your niece the things that are keeping her from succeeding. Try to find out what motivates her and help her keep her goals in sight. You sound like you could be very inspirational.

As you say, if the long term goals are desired enough, your niece can face this challenge.

About the baby's care, if the child is in an environment that worries you, you must address that.

You sound like a very special lady, dedicated and hard working. Take care of your own health and best wishes.

Keep believing, keep trying. Your niece is like own your daughter, treat her like you would your own daughter. Let her know over and over and over again about good choices and really dumb choices. (Since we are MOMs we have this ability to say things over and over and over again until the listener gets it right.) Who is watching her child when she is 'hanging out' with this aunt? You could make it so that your niece has to watch her child always when she is not working. She is a mother. In some schools when females take a particular parenting class, they have to be responsible for taking care of their baby-sometimes a carton of eggs, sometimes a five pound lb. of sugar-they are told by their teacher to pretend that that is their baby and never leave its' side. Just try very hard not to make out the aunt as a bad guy, that ensures that your niece will stay right by her side. Good luck.

First of all, let me say to you how great it is that you really got your life together!! It is so wonderful to see you working so hard and I hope you are rewarded for it! As far as your niece is concerned, its really hard to pick thier friends but if you maybe see if you could get her to join some kind of an ECFE program? Maybe her aunt could be a part of this with her and they could both make some new friends. If you try to forbid them to hang out it may just back fire.Good Luck with your future!!

My story summed up is this - I was very rebelious (the kind of girl you saw on Maury), I was raised by both my parents but had a horrible relationship with both of them eventhough they tried everything to help me. I was 18 and didn't want to listen to anything they had to say. I got pregnant at 18 and had my daughter at 19. I decided once I had her to turn my life around, go to college, lose all my friends, get an appartment and find a job. I did all of that without my parents because by then they had had it with me and they let me fall and figure it out for myself. That is the best thing they could have done. My advice for you is to tell her how her aunt isn't a good influence and hope that it doesn't fall on deaf ears. Explain to her that life doesn't have to be going down the path of her aunt. Repeating this to her might seem like she is not listening but once she has had a dose of "figuring things out the hard way", she will come around and hopefully she will see the brighter side. I absolutely hated my parents and now they are my best friends. You will be her best friend too when she herself decides to change.