Niece Trouble - Respecting Sis's Parenting vs Offering Help

OMG your niece sounds just like me!
When I was 14 I was totally in charge of my younger siblings, while my mother ran around partying and occasionally "working."
I was so fortunate that my aunt and uncle took me in. They couldn't take my siblings, but they offered to take me so I could have a normal high school experience, and a normal life. I was able to do sports, cheer, drama, yearbook, have friends, go to games and dances, work part time jobs, basically everything I would not have have been able to do if I stayed with my mom (in addition to me being the live in babysitter we moved 3 or 4 times a year.)
I can't really advise you in your specific situation but in my case I think it literally saved my life!

Question #1- Yes. You really don't know what's going on in that household. Your sister doesn't speak with you, so where are you getting your information? From your niece? Tainted, at best. You could, however, offer to have your niece come stay with you for a week or two over the summer. You'll get a much better idea as to what kind of "teen" she is if she's under your roof- plus it may give mom a much-needed break.

Question #2- Let your niece know that you are aware of the Twitter account. Give her one week to get rid of the account and let her know that if she doesn't delete the account you will inform her mother.

Oh...wow. You're in a tough spot.

Maybe talk to your sister and tell her that you know they have been butting heads lately, and you'd be OK with the idea of having your niece come for "X" amount of weeks this summer--or the entire summer...depending on what you can commit to.

As for staying with you permanently? I doubt any mom is going to go for that.

Maybe you can provide a buffer time, a break, some perspective, etc. for a finite amount of time this summer?

As for Twitter....maybe tell your niece that you know. Give her O. week to remove it or you WILL tell her mom?

Good luck!

At 14 in my house you are responsible for laundry, cleaning and some cooking. In families with multiple children and the age ranges work there will be some mandatory babysitting. I had to watch my sister (4 years younger) and cousin (2 years younger) often and frequently. My least favorite thing to do but mandatory. A crime no but certainly cruel and unusual punishment they both were horrible to me and I to them but we all lived through it.

If you seemingly rescue this teen from her mom, will you have to rescue the others when they become teens? Are you prepared to rescue 3 other children?

I would simple offer giving a break over the summer by allowing her to stay with you for 2 - 3 weeks.

As for the twiter account, I would probably not tell the mother but befriend the kid to monitor her activity. My kids have FB accounts and only 1 has a Twitter because she says it helps with her business stuff, she braids hair and paints cloths for extra cash.

If you are going to pursue getting this kid do it through legal channels. This way you can take care of her everything and won't have other problems by not doing this through the courts but that may also open things up for the other children to have to have a place to stay especially if your sister isn't agreeable.

Your sister sounds like a real winner. Yes, I would make that offer, bravo to you for wanting to intervene.

No, I wouldn't tell the mom about her twitter account, unless she was posting harmful things on there.

i agree don't tell her about the twitter account. Also I'd J. say you want to bond with her more and feel bad her dad isnt a great influence and would love for you and your kids to have that time with her over the summer. If it works out and you know you're ready for the commitment then talking about her moving in. I wouldnt criticize her parenting or say its ebcause of her lack of skills or because the daughter wants out. I'd make it more about YOU wanting to have her there. If the whole summer doesnt work ask for part of it? Also will she have friends by you? Are your kids at an age she can hang with? What will you do to occupy a teen for the summer if she has no friends there and the kids are too young for that

Hmmm. I'm a bit skeptical of the slave labor unless it's WAY MORE babysitting, cooking and cleaning than any helpful child should do and unless it's enforced by excessive cruelty...14 year-olds sometimes have a way of thinking having to do ANY work is unfair...like in that FB video of the dad shooting the daughter's laptop :) I mean in a house where 4 grandkids are living with grandparents, it seems like she should have a lot to do to help her mom and grandparents. My cousins and nieces (large families) all work very hard at at age in their own homes AND to help elderly family members and community members. My 14 year old niece cooks for ten when it's her turn (with the help of her 12 year old sister), babysits her 5 younger siblings, cleans all bathrooms, does all the girl's laundry AND goes next door to help my mom take care of my grandma after her school work and before playing.

Without the full picture as to how bad her life really is with mom, and how much worse it would be with dad, it's hard to say if you should have a "no chores allowed" niece in your home :)

Offering to have her come stay with you "for a bit" to "ease the load" can be done in a nice way and could provide some clarity, depending on your relationships.

I'd probably not rat out the twitter right now until you figure out your next move if any. You don't want to piss off the niece or your sister before making a move.

I would talk to your sister first about her coming to stay with you. And like some of the other said don't start out with it as a permanent thing cause she may not go for that. I don't know her but if she makes her do all that stuff she may not want her to leave for a long time cause then who will do all that. So be careful how you word it to her. And don't say anything to your niece till you know if her mom will let her cause it might crush her to get her hopes up and it not happen. I think it's great that she has someone that cares enough about her to get her out of that situation!

Good luck and God Bless!

If you mention to the child she can move it, than yes, you are way overstepping. If you have a private conversation with your sister the child does not know about, in which you mention that you would be willing to allow the child to move in with you, than that would be fine. but don't mention anything to the child unless the mother has already agreed to it.

As far as the "slave treatment" and names, do you actually witness all this or is it coming from the child? Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting a child of that age to help out with the house and family, but most teens are very over dramatic and think having to babysit a couple nights a week is just soooooo awful. So unless you have seen this "slave treatment" first hand and it goes above and beyond normal family helping/chores, I would not go accusing your sister of being a bad parent.

Don't have but a moment before I have to get my kids somewhere, but I wanted to comment on just the first question:
Q- Are you overstepping "uncle" boundaries?

A- Only if you speak directly to your niece without talking to her mom (your sister) first. I have had far too many occasions where aunts/uncles/etc have offered something to my kids (trips, TV's for their bedroom, etc) without first discussing it with me and my husband. That is always a no-no. Talk to your sister before you mention it to your niece.

you have gotten some good advise.
i agree with offering a "break" for the summer. and seeing how that goes. mom would be more comfy with and end date in site. if you make her feel like ur offering to raise her child she will take offence.

even if mom takes her back at end of summer, you have at least had time to show ur niece that you are there for her if she needs you.

(we are trying the same thing w our nieces and nephews this summer. they come from same situation)

as for twitter. friend her, and keep up with her. if there is reason for alarm, then tell mom what u see.
but there is no reason to assume mom doesn't know already, i would not feel the need to bring it to her attention.

1. No, you aren't overstepping. I suggest, since she's accustomed to using her family to take care of her needs, that you pose it to her as your wanting to help HER (your sister) by taking some of the burden, since you and your lovely wife have been so blessed and have the means to do so. Yes, you want to help your neice, but your sister is going to be thinking "what do I get out of it?"

2. No, I wouldn't bother telling your sister about the Twitter account. That's something you can deal with parent-wise when your neice comes to live with you. BUT, I would take dear neice aside and let her know that you are aware of it and expect that she acts like a lady with self-respect when posting to it...because the internet is forever. ;-)

It sounds like your sister needs to get it together, but I am sure you already know that. I would NOT tell about the twitter account and I think you should join to be a friend/ally to your niece. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her and she could use a good adult figure in her life.

I would mention to your sister about your niece visiting for the summer. Find some way to discuss it so that your sister won't feel offended.

I never had our kids babysit the younger kids for this reason. I didn't want them to feel like it was their 'job' to raise my kids, but they did help out or watch them for short times and did laundry when old enough, helped some with other jobs like trash, etc., etc. I don't think doing it all the time with no break like from 4 to bedtime is fair for her at all. I would talk to my sister about it with my mom involved maybe and see what they say and then suggest your niece come to spend weekends with you all to give her a break or let her do something other than the usual. I think once you start taking kids all the time you will have the other kids want 'out' too maybe, maybe not since they aren't the oldest. I wouldn't try to upset your sister though but it's a real shame she and her boyfriend don't work at all. Maybe you should start with your parents who allow them to live there and not work.

Talk to your sister before you mention it to your niece. Tell her that you would like ot have your niece spend part or all of the summer with you (that way she doesn't see it as all or nothing but somewhere in the middle is a option too). You might to to present it to your sister as "this will give you a break and allow you to be a positive male figure before he's "too cool" for hang with her uncle.

I would say, monitor your niece's twitter. Only tell your sister if the posts show reason for concern.

I think it is a good idea for you to offer..... but I think it likely that no matter how diplomatically you put it, your sister will say no..... because by saying yes, she loses her slave labor.

Maybe if you can get your mom to pressure her, it might happen.

If not, at least offer to have the girl go with on vacation or something. She needs the other adults in her life to step up and stop letting mom use her. Though that is so much easier said than done.

And on the Twitter, do friend her. She needs guidance, and no one can guide her if they don't know what she's up to.

I applaud you for wanting to help your neice. What about some trial weekends? I would hate for you to bring this child in and then if it doesn't work out, y'all don't get along or whatever and then you are stuck.
I would not report the twitter account before I befriend her, but if there is something happening that is dangerous to herself or others you must report.
Good Luck
Blessings!
D.

I think that if my sister were threatening to send her child to boarding school, I would offer to take that child in. However, I would also expect a fight 1) to save face, and 2) because she's loosing her sitter. I don't think you are overstepping to offer to help her with a child that she can't handle as it is. You might be able to steer your niece into a good path vs being angry and doing something stupid. I would bring up your uncle-ly concerns about Twitter to the child because unless you know what she's really saying, you can only guide. I'd focus on the bigger picture, even though I don't think niece needs Twitter.

I wish you would have elaborated more on why dad is not a good option, IYO. I say that because if mom is not a good fit, I think a child should be with dad.

I am sure that your niece will appreciate your offer, but I don't think she'll be that excited about it. She wants to live with her dad.

My heart goes out to her. I know my own daughter has used her kids as THE diaper changer and THE babysitter and I hate it!

I don't think you are overstepping your bounds as "uncle" by offering to take her in. She is lucky to have an uncle who loves her as much as you do and is willing to provide a stable home for her.

Oh man, do I feel for your niece. I was THE babysitter too. It sucked. I left as soon as I turned 18 and was certain I was NEVER having children. (I have 3!)
I don't think you are overstepping your bounds with offering to your sister that your niece stay with you. You may have to make something up as to why though. She is not going to want to lose her full time diaper changer, baby sitter, house cleaner. I don't think you should offer it to the niece without talking to your sister first.
Twitter is something that I don't really understand at all. Can you just follow her and then if things look innappropriate tell your sister? Do you have to use the computer to tweet? Or can she use her phone? Maybe talk to niece about it?
L.

Are you offering her to live with you forever or only for summer or what? I would think long and hard about what kind of committment you are making because at 14, she is only at the BEGINNING of her teens and I've heard it only gets worse!!!! =/ So are you willing to take on all those possible challenges? I would think it would be worse if you took her, she acted up, you send her back...just my opinion and something to think about. And also, what about when the other 3 get older? (I assume they are younger) Is uncle going to bail them out also?

No, dont tell sis about twitter.

I hope you figure it out and get some good advice. Good luck!!!

I usually am of the opion that parents should get the final say in their parenting. There are always exceptions. Your sister is doing this child no favors but I also don't think your neice is in a dangerous position either. My kids are on FB - but I honestly don't think I'd allow them to do it again if I knew then what I know now. It's basically the tech version of Lord of the Flies. It's teenagers with little or no supervision. Kids who get bullied at school get bullied on FB. Whatever happens at school continues in the birtual world at home. The kids can't come home and escape to what used to be a safe place becuase it follows them home on FB. So don't even include the FB thing as a factor in your decision making.

I don't think your sister is a good example. I can not stand the thought of people who don't work. The concept of personal responsibility is vital to me and if someone is capable of working and doesn't they should starve. All that being said some really strong people come out of homes like your sister's. Where we've been in life is part of what makes us into who we are.

I fear the day that someone in authority will consider that I am not a fit mother because of my very conservative values - it could be thought that I'm not exposing my child to other views....

But - I'd defintely invite her at the least for the Summer - and I would get on twitter with her. There's no law about disclosing everything to her mom.

Final thing - what about her siblings? Are you going to resuce all of them?

I would not tell about the twitter account unless I knew she was doing something you were uncomfortable with.

I would talk to Sis about niece coming to live with you for the summer..... do you have younger children? Maybe it could be to help with your kids. That way you are not seeming to judge her parenting. I would suggest you would Start with summer only if Sis agrees. If you don't have teens you don't have a clue at how challenging they can be. It can be very disrupting to your family..... depending on the child.