The Dreaded Birthday Party Non-invite

Updated on July 24, 2012
M.J. asks from South Hamilton, MA
12 answers

So, the dad of one of my daughter's best friends called me up this morning to ask if my dd had been invited to another girl's birthday party happening this Saturday. She hasn't received any invitation in the mail so I'm guessing she was either overlooked or just not invited. When the dad asked his daughter who this girl was, because he'd never heard of her or heard his daughter mention her, his daughter told him that the girl was my daughter's friend. Yet, she has been invited and my daughter has not! He called me because he was confused by the date/time on the invitation and assumed that because the girl is a friend of my daughter, we would know what the correct date/time was.

To make things even more awkward, my daughter is having a very small birthday party/sleepover of her own the night before and the 2 friends she has invited, are both invited to this other girl's bday party the next day. Awkward! My daughter has been saying since last month that she and this other girl talked about the girl's bday party and that she was definitely invited - the other girl even told me so just before the end of school - but nothing's come in the mail.

I'm hesitant to think that it's because of lack of reciprocity in birthday party inviting because I don't think this family and this girl are like that at all. So, should I follow-up on this or just leave it alone? I'm torn because dd is so sure that she is invited.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for the advice, everyone!

Just to clarify a couple of things:
1) @ SH in Kailua: the girl in question (aka party girl) is indeed good friends with my daughter and has been since kindergarten (they are now entering 3rd grade), just not best friends. It was the father of one of my daughter's best friends (aka Friend J) - 1 of only 2 kids invited to my own daughter's party -who called to ask about party girl's party and the only connection between party girl and Friend J - according to Friend J - is my daughter. The party girl told me herself that my daughter was invited AND asked for our mailing address. So, this is why it's awkward and confusing, but everyone is right - I won't follow up on it! I'll just pretend I didn't even know! And if something comes up later, then we can say my daughter didn't get an invitation so we just assumed that she wasn't invited.

2) @Lillym = the invitation said the party was on Saturday the 24th. Tuesday is the 24th, hence the confusion.

Thanks again for the advice!! Awkward situations are so...awkward. lol.

More Answers



answers from Indianapolis on

My kids come home all the time and tell me that they are invited to parties. I have a strict rule, no invite, no party. I don't call and ask (putting the other family in an awkward situation) nor do I show up. Your DD has a limited number coming for her party,very well maybe that the other little girl has the same situation. Good life lesson for your little one.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Leave it alone.

These things happen.

Many parents only allow a certain number of friends so not everyone gets invited.

Who knows, maybe your daughters invitation got lost in the mail..

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

It could be many things. Now, I'm not saying that your DD is miserable. I'm saying that with girls in particular (I did not notice this with SS), there are weird, weird things afoot in some of their relationships and the less you make of some of it, the better. Anna doesn't like Suzanne because Chelsea doesn't, but Suzanne has never really done anything to Anna....blah blah blah.

It might also simply be a matter of space. If you give a kid a limit, like 10 friends then they need to figure out which 10 friends and someone might be a friend, but not as close...or maybe she thought the parties were the same night or....see above.

Now, since the party girl had asked for your address, I might call her parents and ask what's what but not talk to the girls. Maybe she wrote it down wrong or you have a mail carrier like ours that leaves mail in random boxes. Or maybe they put a limit out after she'd asked and your DD wasn't one of them. This is why RSVPs, pro and con, are so important.

ETA: if your DD didn't invite her to her own party, I wouldn't worry about the other invite. I hadn't caught that part but when I read someone else's response it made sense.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I don't know how old these kids are, but young kids often tell each other they are inviting you to their bday party, and that's not how it goes. You don't mention that your daughter invited this girl to her small bday party, so why would your daughter be invited to hers? There's nothing you need to do here. Your kid will be excluded from some parties. No one is obligated to invite anyone else. I remember when my daughter was in kindy and there was a girl who she talked about every day. One day, I volunteered in the classroom and all the other kids were talking about going to this girl's birthday party and my daughter hadn't been invited, even though she came home every day that school year talking about this little girl. \
This situation shouldn't be awkward - this girl didn't invite your daughter to her party and your daughter didn't invite this girl to hers. As for the other friend who was invited to the other girl's party, that doesn't involve you so no problem there

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Just leave it alone.
If you contact that girl's parents about the party, they will be put in a corner.
Maybe the invitation got lost in the mail.
Who knows.
But the fact is no invitation came in the mail.
Your daughter is having a small party herself the day before that party. That other girl is not invited to your daughter's party.

How old is your daughter?

Per kids.... telling others that they will be invited to their future party... I NEVER take it as fact. I ALWAYS tell my kids, it does not matter that the kid told them they are invited to a party... UNLESS the Mommy tells me herself. Because, kids are kids and they say things, even if they don't know for themselves, about what is going on.

Besides, it was that man's daughter... that told him that your daughter was friends with that girl who is having a party. Your daughter herself... did NOT tell you, that that girl is her friend nor best friend or anything. To some kids, anyone can be a "friend." They don't know. And your daughter didn't invite that other girl to her own party. But if that other girl WAS a best friend of your daughter... wouldn't you have known that... and wouldn't your daughter have invited her to her own party, too?

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Birthday party invites can be so confusing, upsetting, emotional, and unfair. All in the eyes of the beholder.

Your daughter is having a party the night before and is/can only invite 2 friends and they are both invited to this other party. Well, there it is. You and DD must understand that not everyone can be invited.

I was in that situation last year. I allowed my DD to invite one classmate and the rest were family friends. At the same time, DD was invited to several parties from school. I am certain someone asked why Anna was invited and not others.

You just have to put your other glasses on and look at it through a different light.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

This sort of happened to us in kindergarten. But it was during the school year and i just descretely sent a note to the teacher saying my ds insisted he was invited but that the invite never made it home, and I just asked her if she knew if there was one, as in did ALLL the boys get invited per school policy. The invite had infact gotten misplaced it was slide inside a book Ds had been reading. I called the mom and explained an got all the info and went and had a great time.

I think if your dd is celebrating her own bday that weekend, then don't even worry about this other party. at least now you know if the 2 that are sleepign over happen to mention it, you won't be caught off guard.

I think the best policy since you don't have anyone that can delicately inquire, is to just forget this other party is even happening, enjoy your own DD's bday and if for some reason your dd was to have been invited just say you wondered about it but when the invite didin't show you figured they needed to limit it for what ever reason. these things happen, i do hope little suszie had a great time, blah blah blah,

I'm wondering what was so confusing about the other invite, and i'm also wondering if the other biday girl didn't have your address for some reason.
oh that makes sense the date was wrong--- my son has a friend whose mom is not from this country and she has sent some wacky bday invites, That's what i though maybe was going on in this situation ... a cultural issue, but apparently not.

I stick by my original answer, if you call and she was invited well ok, if you call and she wasn't the SUPER akward. by leaving it alone, the akwarness is minimized.

forget it and have fun at your own party.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I would leave it alone...maybe that girl found out your daughter was having a sleepover and didn't invite her so she changed her mind.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Maybe she didn't invite her because your daughter didn't invite her to her sleepover.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Your DD isn't even fretting about this. She's having her own party. That is all you should focus on, and your DD will too. If you make this a big deal that your DD may have been slighted, SHE will see it as a big deal as well. I would shrug it off as maybe there was some drama between the girls, or whatever. No one owes someone else an invite to anything. Kids are fickle. If your DD does find out she is was not invited and becomes upset, it's as simple as reminding her that no one is owed an invite, maybe circumstances changed. She herself was only having a small party. Others cannot invite everyone either.



answers from San Francisco on

Leave it alone...your post is very confusing.



answers from Seattle on

I vote you call and start the conversation with a "This is awkward but please be assured that you have no expectations. Meaning a "No Worries" and 'No Pressure' attitude. That you are very respectful of their choices and understand that not all friends can be accomodated at all birthday parties. Heck, you are only having 2 girls over for you daughter's sleep over.

Just explain that a parent (no name) called to verify dates with you and that their own daughter had verbally invited your daughter already. You're just trying to firm up other plans and commitments. And then be very respectful of their answer.

Friends or not, they have the right to invite who they wish.

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