Very Very High-strung 2 1/2 Yr Old Girl

I really don't have an answer for you, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. My 2 1/2 year old does the exact same thing. We have a dog and she flips if she finds a dog hair anywhere near her, but she loves the dog and knows the hair comes from the dog.
Hopefully it is an age thing!

yes it's typical of a child who is in control of you and you have given her WAY to much control. You can't let her act that way. She will only get worse as she gets old. That's NOT high strung that's in control of you. She is doing what you expect of her. You know her father and you believe she is just like him, so she proves you right. If you think a child is supposed to do a certain thing and you expect it. That you treat a child the way you expect them to act and when you do that you get what you expect.
Good luck

P.,
I hope you even bother to read this after all the responses you got! And to me, seemingly alot of negative ones or ones to consider drugs for your child. I just wanted to say hello to you. I am 43 yrs old with a 2 and 4 yr old myself. My 4 yr old would do that and ALOT of the time she was TIRED and EASILY FRUSTRATED and just wanted to "do good" at whatever it was. Also I found she was needing her Daddys approval of her as a person and not because of what she did or not do. Since her Dad has been spending more time hugging her and her feeling he really loves her (because before he would get easily angered about the least little thing she didnt do perfectly because he was tired and make her feel like she wasnt acceptable to him) she has been much more happy and calm. I just know there is an answer aside of any drugs! It could be anything...she is so young and it dont take much AT ALL for them to get anxious about ANYTHING and depending on their day depends on how long they may need to unwind as well. I am saying a prayer for you and her after I finish this note :) God Bless! Hold her; grab her and read to her; rub her back??? Whatever.... :)

Hi P., I'm 45, with three young children: almost 9, 6 1/2 and 2 1/2. It sure isn't easy when you're older (or ever). Each child has their own personality. When my youngest starts screaming and carrying on for something she wants immediately, I try to explain to her calmly how and when and if she will get what she wants, and I end the sentence with "okay?" She usually aswers "okay" and that ends it for the time being. If a calm explanation doesn't work, then the only thing to do is ignore her, and eventually she will calm down. Giving in to crazy behavior is somehow justifying the crazy behavior and reinforcing it as well. This craziness is usually because she is tired or hungry. I hope this helps you....I.

I know you probably don't want to hear this....but...you are probably too nice. : ) Sometimes as moms we have a tendency to do this, but inevitably what happens is you have a 2 year old running your house. lol. I am not giving you a hard time, I went through the exact thing, so I am trying to help. Anyway, what I did with my son is I stripped his room of anything that could hurt him, switched the lock around (b/c his fits were pretty severe and he would slam doors and knock things off walls), and told him calmly that its ok to be upset but if he needs to yell and scream he has to go to his room. I would lead him calmly to his room each time there was a major fit and I didn't let him out til he was calm. Afterwards I would hug him (after he is calm...this is critical...otherwise you support indecent behavior) and tell him I loved him. Its ok to be upset but there are places to do that and he needs to learn to control it. It is critical to teach your daughter now how to start controlling her impulses. She doesn't have to march like a soldier, but you need to enjoy being a mom and you will find your relationship will blossom when you place more limits on impulsive behavior. All of this is normal. However, it is easier to start doing this now than later.

PLEASE!!!!! Don't medicate your child until you have tried this.

Hi P.,
I suggest that when she starts go into the tantrum try picking her up and holding her close to you. Lay her head on your chest and gently rock her until she stops. My grandson used to have a similar behavior and I found that this worked very well after a few times. I hope this helps.
C. C

Some of your daughter's behavior is developmental and is part of her growing up. As the parent, you get to keep the rules the same during her emotional upheaval. Also, you will want to remain calm when she is not. Your cue to remain calm will be when she does not respond calmly to you. At these times, (a) tell yourself, "she's trying to get control of her self/environment and lost it," (b) take 1-3 deep breathes (audibly for calming and modeling for her), (c) keep her safe until she's worked it through: this is when you can try different approaches...make sure YOU stay calm and stay consistent with discipline. From your story, it sounds like you did the above. Keep it up, and your daughter will learn to respond calmly to her feelings of upheaval. Create a "space" (we have a stuffed chair in the shape of a teddy bear) where she can go to "calm down" (e.g. time out) and the throwing self around won't get herself hurt. As for the extreme behavior you describe as happening constantly, that you say comes from your husband, that needs to be monitored so you can figure out the difference between temperament and learned or problematic behavior (e.g. needing some sort of unusual intervention that other children would not need). The intervention could be as simple as low lighting and swinging 15 minutes a day... so don't worry about it, just keep a simple journal about what bothers her and if it doesn't bother her sometimes. Write 4 things about each event: time of day, what was happening before the event, what bothered her, what she did when it happened(what was after the event). An example would be from above: evening; happily playing with bow that's losing stickiness and wanted stickiness back, mom suggested solution and started screaming and crying and throwing herself around. Time out, she hyperventilated and accepted the solution, played with bow again. Good Luck, Have Fun, Model Serenity.

Yeah, my 2&1/2 year old is very similar to your little girl. This IS the 'terrible two's' type behavior. She's learning how to express herself and we, as parents, have the joy of helping her learn control and how to express herself.

For example, when my little girl gets upset, usually because her big sister kicks her out of her room & won't play with her, she comes crying to me. It sounds like someone just slammed her fingers in the door (and that has happened before) type of crying, very hysterical. I have to tell you, coddling your child is not always the best thing. I don't hug and cuddle her to get her to calm down. I do pick her up, hug her and remove her from the situation so she doesn't keep fixating on it (leave sisters room, go to the kitchen). I assure myself nothing is broke or she is not bleeding and then tell her she has to CALM DOWN because I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER when she is screaming and crying and wait it out.

That is usually enough to get her to calm down enough to get her to explain what happened in 3 words or less, ie: "sister, no play". In terms of her obsession with the cat hair, if YOU don't make a big deal about it, eventually she won't. I'm not suggesting you ignore her behavior, just down play it a little bit like responding to her complaint with "Yes, thats cat hair," and thats it. Go back to what you were doing.

I'm a paramedic so little things get the 'pat on the head' treatment (ie: you aren't bleeding, no band-aid).

Eventually they learn what is a big deal and what is not but a lot of that comes from YOU and your spouse. She will learn behaviors from you. Be reassured it does gets better but every age has it's 'stage'.

when you gave her the time out and she hyperventilated, did she stay in time out, or did the fact that she was doing that freak you out and so she got out of time out?

in other words, are you letting her rule you because you fear her outbursts?

usually behavior like this indicates that you're not being consistent, that you're not setting predictable limits, and therefore the child starts to lash out at the world because she's trying to determine where the boundaries are, since it's not clear. this means you do have your work cut out for you, and it's going to be difficult, but you must must must get a handle on this. it's going to take strength from you. it's going to take kind, firm, consistent rules and boundaries. behaviors that are unacceptable shall not be tolerated. they result in a time out and if she screams and hyperventilates, so be it (she won't hurt herself; even if she makes herself faint, she'll resume breathing normally at that point, and it's not going to happen enough times to hurt her because you're going to be consistent and nip this in the bud, right? if you're worried, talk to her pediatrician.). make sure your time outs are effective, too: that means no interacting with her during time out. know that it is going to take you several months before things really smooth out, given her age and the level of acting out that you've allowed so far, but also know that you can do it!

from here on out, in all things, you need to set a limit, give a warning when she's pushing the limit, and then enforce the limit. always. do not say something, anything, if you're not willing to follow through. don't say "we're leaving the park if you don't come here right now" if you don't intend to leave the park immediately if she misbehaves. don't threaten what you can't or won't enforce. that's the most common thing you'll hear from a parent who's lost control: "Joey, I'm not going to tell you again, don't do that or we're leaving!" as mom then turns away to talk to her friend and Joey continues doing whatever it is he was doing, because he knows it's an idle threat. and then mom wonders why he never listens....

to get started, in a moment of calm, I suggest you sit down and talk with her, gently and lovingly, about the difficulties you're having with her behavior, and the fact that she needs to understand the rules. let her know what the rules are (no screaming, no tantrums, no throwing things, no hitting, whatever your rules are, but keep it to 3-5 rules to start) in simple, clear language. then let her know what the repercussions are (mommy will give you one warning and then you go in time out) and how that will work (when you're in time out, mommy will not talk to you and I expect you to sit in your chair for 2 1/2 minutes; the timer will not go until you are sitting in your chair, and if you scream at mommy or get out of your chair, then the timer starts over). let her know that you sense that she's been struggling and having a tough time, and you're going to help her understand the rules, because you love her and you want her to be a happy member of your household.

then stick to your guns, no matter what. a phrase that I read somewhere that has stuck with me is: your child needs to learn that she is very special and very important, but no more important than anyone else in the family. this means you must put other people first sometimes, and she must learn that failure to do so has repercussions.

good luck! it's going to take work (and both you and your husband need to be on board for this), but you all will be so much happier!

Sounds to me like relatively normal for her age. Kids go through phases, it happens.

Children do not have the same skills that adults have to 'roll with the punches', so when the littlest things goes array it throws them off. It's your job to teach her that everything is fine and how to cope when things don't go like she thinks they should or wants them to go.

Try just reassuring her, when she gets so upset, that everything is okay and the "problem" can easily be rectified.

I might check out sensory processing disorder if you are unable to get through to her in a few weeks, but I always hesitate to label children with a disorder as it tends to inhibit 'normal' growth.

Lol she sounds just like my niece and may I add that my son went through that stage also. I watch my niece 5 days a week and have witnessed her tempertantrums. She just turned 3 and still has them. Lets talk about drama queen. Try and remember that children this age love a reaction so when she is flipping out try to remain calm. It's hard to do and my momma once told me to pretend they are someone else's children so you still can be objective. Also they are not to young to be given an explanation, just keep it short since they tend to tune you out when it's drawn out. Most importantly you can not reason with a child when they are having a tantrum. As frustrating as it is don't give in when she starts wailing or she will learn how to get what she wants very quickly. I know all about the hyperventilating my niece and children do it to. It seems they get more upset at their loss of control. It always helped mine to hold them close and calm them once I let them have their fit for a few minutes and reassure them mommy loves them but they "can not throw things at me" (i.e) Hang in there. She is asserting her independence. It will get better 3 deep breaths always help to. Hope this helps

P.,
I really feel for you because this is obviously a mystery to you and it could be a result of a number of things starting with the usual" terrible twos" explanation. However, there could be other underlying factors and I advise you to seek help from a pediatrician. I have raised three children and have a degree in special education. I've taught children of various ages by specifically 4 year olds for the last 15 years so i have a good deal of experience with child development concerns.
Your daughter's reactions could be an outgrowth of a development area called sensory integration. Children with sensory concerns are very sensitive and reactive to things in their environment. They can react in a hyper-sensitive way to many things such as noise, things that touch then such as labels in clothes, they get easily upset in things aren't a certain way, etc. these traits often run in families and could be at the root of your husband,s high strung nature. I know that from my experience and based on your description that would be the first area that i would look into. You can start by looking on the internet for behavior traits that result from sensory integration issues and see if anything you read about fits your daughter or even your husband.
You should also be aware that many doctors do not know much about this area and you should know some facts first and if you think this may be a source of your daughter's behavior be sure you find a doctor who will listen to you. Occupational therapist are the specialist in this area.
As I mentioned earlier, there could be other explanations as well that her doctor could help you with. Just be sure you find a doctor who will really listen to your concerns. if the sensory concerns are at the root of her behavior there are ways to help her through her development that will give you all solutions and assist her into developing into a happy child and not carry such a high strung nature into adulthood.

Good Luck,
C.

Please please please look into the sensory processing issues. As an adult who was told i'd grow out of it and who was ridiculed by my family for it who now has children with varying degrees of sensory disorders please look into it and if your dr blows you off about it find a new doctor remember they may be "experts" in some things buty you are the "expert" in your child. I also was very hurt and offended by your 'she is emotional and highstrung (she gets it from her dad)' comment as its not her fault and it can be very hurtful to a child to hear those thing about them http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/ this may be helpful for a more positive outlook in parenting http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

Kimberley K's great advice is all right on -- Consistency, delivered with calmness, is essential. Try checking out the show and books by Jo Frost, the "Supernanny" of TV, who wisely knows that time outs only work if you enforce them VERY consistenly; she emphasizes that if your child leaves time out, you put her back in it without talking to her -- even if she leaves, and you return her to her time out spot, over and over again, and it takes hours. This is what you'll find toughest.

Also, you must get your husband on board and handling your child the same way you handle her, once you're using your calm but firm routine. You say she gets the high-strung nature from him -- you and he need to have a very honest talk, even if it's painful. Is he abetting her behavior by making excuses for her and letting her get away with things? Does he not give her much attention when he's around, or too much attention that makes her feel she can do whatever he wants? You will be examining your own behavior to make these changes but he must examine his too. If you put her in time out repeatedly, will he "rescue" her and play the sweet dad, thus undermining the discipline? If things create tension between you both and he's unwilling to help make this a calmer family, consider getting a third party like a counselor involved. Sometimes people who won't examine themselves or listen to spouses will listen to a third party.

And one thing to consider and rule out is whether your daughter is super-sensitive to certain sensations, sounds, etc. There's a name for a condition (sorry, maybe another mom knows the name) where kids get very worked up by things like scratchy tags in clothing, the feel of certain fabrics, the textures of certain foods, etc. If this is the case, it's good to know so you can avoid those triggers for her, but it's also not an excuse for letting her continue to run things.

And finally, there is a lot of power in just ignoring her at times. Do you ever just say, "Sorry, mom can't talk to you when you use that voice" and instantly walk out of the room? Ignoring them -- and sticking to it when they run after you screaming -- can really work. This too takes a lot of strength since you want to comfort them and stop the tantrum. But she wants your attention, even negative attention, and taking your attention away (don't even beg her to stop, just say you can't talk to her now, be silent, leave the room, occupy yourself with something that has nothing to do with her) can really make them pause. Good luck!

Brady had some great requests. She suggested Sensory Processing issues. I am a pediatric occupational therapist and most of the kids I work with are a lot like your daughter. Check out the web site she suggested. If you have any questions feel free to contact me.

The first thing that caught my eye in your blog was...

"and I told her I'd do what she wanted!!"

Your giving into her requests when she is be clearly ILLMANNERED is telling her, this is the way I get my way, this is the way that I get Mommy's attention.

The question, is how do you react when she has these tantrums, or she freaks out. She's only acting this way because she knows she will get some sort of rise out of you.

I always tell parents, "Children only do what you let them do." and you are allowing and and encouraging her behavior.

When she acts out, you should:

grab her firmly by both arms
come face to face with her
talk calmly and firmly
tell her, "Whatever the problem is, this is not the way to act to get it resolved. Get a grip on yourself and close your mouth NOW!

I've always told my children they were not allowed to cry unless:

someone has died
they are sick
physically hurt

They were not allowed to cry because they could not get their way, and I have five children ages 5 to 23.

If you continue to feed into her tantrums and jump everytime she has one, you are asking for continued headaches. If you do what some parents do, which is to ignore the tantrum, you are not teaching them anything, and the tantrums continue.

You need to remember that you are the parent, you are in charge, and it is your responsibility to show and tell her what is expected and what won't be tolerated. But at present her behavior is being allowed, by you.

The bottom line is to stop unwanted behavior in it's tracks! YOU CAN DO IT!

I have 2 grown daughters and 2 granddaughters.

My youngest daughter showed the same, though more moderated, symptoms of mood swings growing up. Very pleasant for the most part, then for no apparent reason she became very disagreeable and nasty. As an early teen we put her in some counseling but it didn't help. As a late teen she was diagnosed as bipolar.

We also had a son diagnosed with this and I think in his case it was improper. He is now doing fine without and meds but did go through some depression. In my daughter's case, though I think it was the proper diagnosis and helps make sense of her childhood mood swings. The diagnosis is entirely subjective based on interviews with the patient and there is no way to confirm it. In my daughter's case it's been trial and error with different mood-stabilizer drugs. I suppose in your daughter's case it would be through interviews with you. This is something you may want to discuss with your family doctor or pediatrician.

We also have birds and dogs and my youngest granddaughter, at about the same age as your daughter, was terrified of feathers. We also had a younger grandson who wasn't and he helped her see that there was nothing to be afraid of. Except for that, I have not seen this or anything like it with any of my 3 children or 4 grandchildren.

Your daughter's reaction to cat hair and other minor things, is not unprecedented but does seem extreme. Working with her with the cat hair may be the place to start. Does she like the cats? Petting them and having them nuzzle up to her should help her see that there is nothing to fear in cat hair. If she doesn't overcome this with some gentle nudging from you then this again may be something to discuss with your pediatrician.