Very Jealous 4.5 Year Old

I know it's hard! I have four now, and it's always an adjustment and difficult giving enough attention to the others during all of this...but, as hard as it is to hear, it really sounds like she's not getting the attention she needs. It sounds like you feel the same way based off of things you've said.

Here are some things I do that seem to help a lot. There were times I thought my kids would really struggle, but they didn't, and I really think these things are why:
- First, your hubby REALLY needs to step up and spend a LOT of his free time with her. He needs to take her on special shopping trips where she gets to help him. He needs to take her on walks and swim or whatever. He really, really, really needs to step in and give her a ton of attention. My hubby always does this. He hardly takes care of the newborn, but he really ups his time with the other kids, and it has made a HUGE difference, especially for the previous one that was the baby. While they get less attention from me, they get more from him, and it makes the transition nice and smooth.
- Give her the special "big sister helper role". Make it exciting. Let her know that you NEED her help. When you're choosing an outfit for the baby, let 4 yr old choose it (select two options, then let her choose out of those, in case she would choose something totally unacceptable if you had to go out in pubic or something). Have her be your diaper helper too. When it's diaper changing time, big sister knows it's her job to get the diaper/wetwipes to you - even if they are on the changing table. Let her be responsible for that. Give her things to do to make her feel important.
- When you're nursing, be sure she knows that you need her to sit by you so that she can hold your arm. hehe. Not that you really need it, but make her FEEL important and NEEDED.
- When baby is napping, make that time be special time with you and big sister. Find out what she would like to do - maybe find some special activities and let her choose one that you can do.
- When you go shopping, let her be your helper. It'll take longer, but it'll make her feel needed and involved. Point things out on the shelves that you need and have her put them in the cart. Give lots of high-5's and let her know she's doing awesome with her responsibilities. (not that she has to be the one to do EVERYTHING when it comes to the shopping, but try to keep her constantly involved). Then when unloading the cart, let her help do that too. My kids LOVE doing this. They take it very seriously.

I know it's hard. And it's VERY time consuming. When I had baby #4, I three kids that I had to figure out how to include so that they all felt like my helpers and felt like they belonged. My time shrunk to where I hardly had any "me time" until at night, and even then, it was often very little time. But I did it because I really wanted to make sure they got enough time. Diaper changing was a crazy time. I would lay baby down on the floor to change her, one kid would climb on my back, the other two would take sides next to the baby and play and talk with her. It was complicated...hehe...but they felt involved and never got jealous. Baby is now 11 months old and baby #5 will be here in Oct (our very first surprise baby).

Be sure to not be distracted by other things and to really, really, really be focusing most of your time on her when you can. I would up my attention to her and try to switch things around a little bit to make sure she feels wanted and needed by giving her special responsibilities that only a big sister can do (of course, if she refuses to do these responsibilities at times, let her). Be careful of punishing her for any of her behaviors right now. It will only make it worse.

Your ideas of story time and TV time are great, as well as a mommy date regularly. Talk to her a lot when you're taking care of the baby. Literally try to include her in everything you can.

If you are holding the baby (not nursing), let big sister snuggle too. There are times I have three kids on my lap. One per arm, and one sitting on my lap. Then the 4th has to sit next to another one because I simply have no more room! hehe. Same with my hubby. I'll walk in some times and there will be two children in his lap and two by the outside of his arms or by his feet. Kids like and need to snuggle. It IS hard and sometimes I get "touched" out, but when they are little (at 4 is still young) they need the attention.

If baby gets jealous, don't stop snuggling big sister. Put baby on your lap too, but big sister needs priority time as well. Snuggle them both.

Also, read the book "Siblings Without Rivalry". I can't give you my review on it, as I've yet to read it (it's on it's way here in the mail! My 2 & 4 year old have getting along issues...), but I have heard a LOT of people suggest it. It might have the help you need.

Just know that it does get easier...and if you are able to figure out how to involve her a lot more and give her the focus she needs, it will get better. I mean this in no judgmental way on you (because it's HARD!), just that it does sound like she needs more attention...then she'll be a happy camper.

they're playing you, Mom.....& you are part of the problem.

I know this sounds harsh, but if you continue to believe they are jealous of each other (especially that baby!)....then life will not change.

The more you try to rationalize, the more you try to compensate.....the more you respond to her accusations of inequality - the more it will continue to exist in your life.

Jealousy stems from insecurity. You need to find an outlet which will allow your older DD to blossom & thrive....a preschool, an out-of-the home playgroup....any resource which will diffuse her focus from you/little sis to peers. Good Luck!

Hi C. C,

At 4 this is a great time to get your daughter involved in her own activities. Is she in pre-school? Ballet? arts & Crafts class? She needs to be begin to develop her own life that has NOTHING to do with the screaming ball of poop and pee that is takes all the attention away from her and is NO FUN.... oops I mean the baby.

She may have unrealistic expectations - because she can remember when the baby wasn't around. So part of it is re-framing her expectations without it seeming like something is being TAKEN AWAY from her. Right now she got the raw end of the deal.
You have to reframe your daughters expectations of what FAMILY is..... she thought it was just the 3 of you, so of course she's pissed. she needs to understand that part of what's good about family is caring for each other, helping each other etc..... So, start involving her in what you're doing.
At 4 she's old enough to help you carry plates and pull out veggies for dinner. At 4 she's old enough to help you with laundry and become your BIG GIRL without whom you would be lost!!!!!!!

I like to use this analogy to shed some light on what your daughter is feeling....
You are your husband's only wife. You love him. You thought (because you didn't really ask him) that when he brought you into his family it would be just you and he forever. Til one day..... HE BRINGS HOME A NEW WIFE. Without asking you. He tells you a little bit in advance to prepare you - and he tells you he's really exited about it. But....... she's younger, thinner, cuter, better hair and worse - gets MORE of his attention. You used to get all his attention and now you have to share the man you love with some other stupid girl.

Would ya love her? What if he told you to? what if he said - well OK, you jealous whiny wife...... from now on you get every other friday just with me.... a 1st wife, husband date. let's do that..... would that make it better? NOPE.

Everyone can say it's just for attention and toughen up on her. I don't believe that's the way to do it----- although, NO it's not ok for her whine and demand things. She needs to have realistic expectations and understand how she fits into the new family. That's the reinforcement she needs. It's tough - hang in there!!!!!

Just my $0.02

You can't rationalize with a four year old. She continues to act this way because she gets your attention and your reaction.
When she says I don't love you, or whatever, just remain calm, say I'm sorry you feel that way and then go on with what you are doing. Do not react, do not try to talk to her about it, just go about your business. Even if she's on the floor kicking and screaming, ignore it!
It sounds like she IS getting plenty of attention, and I think the mommy date is a great idea. Just consistently stop reacting to the comments and whining, it won't take long for her to realize that doesn't work anymore :)

I think you have some good advice already. But don't let your strong-willed daughter bully you around. You DO love her! You ARE giving her a lot of attention. She is out of line to talk to you that way. It's a power play, I think.

You would not put up with her calling names or hitting or any other inappropriate behavior. You do not have to put up with this, either. That may be the place to start. Any such talk from her from now on needs to have negative consequences, not positive ones.

Then you can tell her in advance what is going to happen every day - when you are going to be doing things with her, and when she is going to be your helper with the baby and around the house. Tell her that the older a child gets, the more that child gets to (not has to) do big-kid helping things. Praise her when her attitude is good - good attitudes are the BIG stuff from now on.

Yes, a younger child will sometimes pick up on an older child's attitude. You will want to stress that in your family everybody loves one another and wants the best for EACH OTHER. Get help learning how to teach that if you need it.