Unruly Teenage Girls

Most teenage girls are unruley! That is probably an understatement. Hang in there!

I take a dietary supplement that calms the nerves when it is just too much. It is an anti-stress and anti-anxiety formula. Happy to share details if you want to know!

S.
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LOL - sorry but I had to kind of giggle, this is exactly like my sister and myself. I am 21 and she is 11 (I know, BIG age difference!) When I lived at home it was constant bickering and I know it drove my mom NUTS! I know from my point of view, my sister was just plain annoying me. I'm not sure what your girls argue about, and there is certainly a maturity difference between 11 and 13, but I am sure it's still similar is some ways. I know for me, my sister had some smart-mouth comment to say after everything I say and it drove me crazy, so I would say something back (not very mature, I know). You said your daughter thinks she rules everything, does that mean she is trying to tell your younger daughter what to do? What kind of things do they argue about?

Something that finally, for the most part, fixed things at the house was when I moved out, haha kidding (kind of), but before then I would just agree with everything my sister would say. She likes to be the instigator so if she would say something I would just say "yup", "uh-huh", "you know, you're right" and although it would make her mad (which I have to admit made me laugh a little), she would get bored with it and leave me alone. Of course, we will argue, she's hormonal and pushing her limits. Not to mention, we are sisters, it's going to happen. Most of the time now it is out of fun and we joke around. Try telling your daughter to just agree with everything her sister says (whichever one is trying to start a problem).

As for your youngest and yourself fighting and her being disrespectful to you, that is a whole other issue. What my mom did for me and does for my sister now, was when I was being mouthy tell me to go to my room until I could be nice, she would NOT talk to me unless I was being nice. Now, my room wasn't a fun place to be in, no TV, computer and I wasn't allowed to be on the phone when I was sent to my room for that. If her room is a place she would enjoy being sent to, send her to another place she won't be able to enjoy herself. I HATED being sent away and I would be mad at first but calm down because I realized that I would be sent back if I didn't talk nicely. I don't know if that will work for you, but it did for me and does for my sister. You have to be firm and NOT let her talk to you unless she is being repsectful. Eventually she will,hopefully, realize how she needs to talk to be able to get her point across. Also explain to her how it makes you feel that you two can't communicate on a good level and it always has to be an argument. My mom would cry to me because she was so sad that I was always being rude (I went through a bad phase), that really got to me, I hated to dissapoint my mom. But I also hate to say it, it's the age. Testing waters, finding yourself, etc. Try to make some alone time to spend with each of your daughters... movies, shopping, etc.

Sorry if I wasn't much help!! Hope things get better for you.

You don't have unruly teenage "girls"--you have one teenage girl. Your 20 year old needs to start acting like an adult, your 13 year old is doing what comes natural at that age. But you, if i read your sentence correctly, need to stop giving in to "anything they want." That's not good at all. I'm a gramma now but when my girls were teens it was tough. they are less than two years apart. It's very hard work.I'm one of seven girls--my mom let us know who the boss was and she never had to raise her voice. It was a matter of authority. We knew (and still do), and she knew (and she still does) who the parent and boss was (is). We all turned out a little nuerotic but otherwise very good citizens:). One thing i used to do when my girls would fight as teens that helped was after a fight i made them say something nice to each other. They couldn't get up until they did. It was always funny and it made for better relations in house after an arguement. And for the record, I worked outside of the home and was a single mom. It's tough, hard work but the payoff is awesome! Good luck!!

Hi E., my advice is you have to be consistent. If you do not follow through with what you say, you are never going to get control. A rule is a rule and you have to enforce that. Set up consequence, but make sure they are consequences that you will FOLLOW THROUGH with; make sure they are not extreme. I heard a saying years back when my two children were young, it was "Say what you mean and mean what you say" So if you say it you HAVE to follow through. You & your husband have to stand together as a solid force. Sounds like you & your husband have to teach the girls about respect, it is normal for a teenager to get mouthy at times, but it sounds like she is totally disrespecting you and that is not right. Don't get discouraged! Once you set down some boundaries hopefully things will start getting better. Your children have to be your first priority right now and you and your husband are the coaches that make the rules!

I don't care if it's a horse, a dog or a person. You have to expect respect in order to get it. Giving a child everything is absolutely the worst thing you can do! Children needs limits laced with love. YOu've let this go far too long but it's never too late to be a parent, not a buddy. Good Luck

It sounds like you're dealing with 3 different things: a pubescent child who is 'trying on' the behavious she sees around her; a critical husband looking for a scapegoat for pretty ordinary (if not particularly mature) social dynamics, and; an 20yo trying to get (and succeeding, really) attention and engagement from both her sister and her parents.

Just for context, your husband is probably feeling as ineffectual and disempowered as you are, and looking for some way of making himself feel better (if he could believe in the blame he suggests for you, it might actually work, but I suspect he's not that stupid, really).

More context: your 13yo is in the process of some major brain development, and for a while (probably 18 months or so) she'll have very little impusle control, forget the long-standing house rules, experience wild and uncontrollable mood swings, and generally feel 'out there' and vulnerable in a way that will not make her behaviour look socially acceptable.

Last piece: your 20yo is standing on the brink of adulthood, suddenly aware of all the huge choices and frightening decisions she is going to get to make for herself and live with, and is probably feeling the need to revert to younger familiar behaviour.

To me, all of this means that you have some fragile people in your world (possibly including you), and that everyone needs some extra latitude, some gentleness and some reminders of why we are respectful to each other...

Wow. You've got a handful.

You have 2 girls on the edge of new things.

Your 13 year old is going through alot right now, as already mentioned. Your 20 year old really wants to be an adult, but is still struggling to figure that out.

In my opinion, you have to respect where each of them are in their lives, but at the same time remind them they have to treat people with respect. It's ok to have a different opinion. It's ok to disagree with mom and dad...but you are our children and you need to show us respect.

In the same way, you have to show them respect. Respect they are going through a lot of changes and don't really understand it all. Respect they are trying to stretch their wings and learn their own personal boundaries.

I would sit down with the girls and have a discussion. Calmly. Find a way for everyone to agree on 'rules of engagment'.... how are we going to treat one another. Find out what areas they feel they are not getting respect, and you tell them what areas you feel you are not getting respect. Lay out the ground rules. Lay out the expectations. Lay out the consequences for not following the rules. Let them know you will not tolerate being disrespected, but you will remember they are growing up, going through changes and will respect them as individuals.

The consequences need to be clear however, and there NEEDS to be consequences. Something that if they don't follow through, their whole world comes crumbling down (whether that is no date night, no car, no TV ... whatever it is they feel they HAVE to have). Typically one or two times of that happening ... and your issue will disappear.

But, you DO need to follow through. You are their parent, not their friend. Friendship can come later... when they move out and are on their own. Right now, you are still providing their food, shelter, and teaching them how to be socially responsible people.

Good luck!

2 books by the same authors will help you tremendously. "How to Talk so your Kids Will Listen, and Listen so your Kids will Talk" and "Siblings Without Rivalry". Adele Faber is one of the authors, I can't remember the other author's name. They also run workshops from time to time at one of the community colleges based on this book. It has helped me and a few of friends through some difficult periods! Good Luck, and God Bless.
J.

Hi E.
Perhaps the girls are working on what kind of woman/person they want to be. And it's not mom. Mine's 5 and I'm bracing myself.
In my house I insist on manners, and so far it works. My cousin in TX makes hers say yes mam when there sassy. And again I'd have to say it worked for me. I might sit your girls down and set them straight. Let them know how ungrateful there behaving, and that it is no longer acceptable. The first time they slip up all you have to say is manners please with a sharp tone.
Good luck and for all our sakes, I hope it's that easy.
A. H

I highly recommend the Love and Logic for Teens series. Their website is www.loveandlogic.com where you can order their materials (also available on Amazon etc) and download sheets. You will have to start from scratch re-establishing who is in charge and coming up and following through on logical consequences (results) of misbehavior. The part I like best about Love and Logic is that it removes the emotion that often comes when we feel disrespected.

IMO I think a 20 year old should know better, so it is mostly up to her. The 13 year old is probably acting the way she has seen the older on act. At 20 if she can't control her self I would have tough love and tell her to move out!

You need to lay down some rules! And fast! Neither one should be getting away with this stuff. Especially the 13 year old. She's young enough to implement boundaries on. The 20 year old should be told that if she can't live according to YOUR HOUSE RULES (which you should establish right quick!!!) then perhaps this isn't the place she should live and help her find a place. She needs to show responsibility. She needs to quit cranking at her sister, because ONCE UPON A TIME THAT WAS HER!
And what's this junk about your husband blaming you? So does he have any workable plans? If not he should quit pointing the blame finger, be on the same page as you, and step up to the plate as a father. And don't give them everything they want, or give in either. Take charge!

I went through something similar. I have three teenagers, two are 16 and one is 14. They lost their father in 2004. They were very disrespectful, didn't follow rules, etc. I sent them to a bootcamp for one weekend. It was a miracle. They are now three completely different children (in a good way). They listen, they follow rules and most importantly, they respect Mom. It was a very hard decision, but the best thing I never did. Also, I didn't wait until it got really really bad. That's the key! It was worth every penny.

E.,

I have had a lot of stuggles with my son lately in the mouthiness area too, although he's only 8. I went to a parenting conference a couple months ago where Dr. Kevin Leman was the speaker and got alot of great advice and bought a wonderful book of his called "Have a New Kid by Friday" and it is a Godsend. His principles are said to work for kids of any age and he has a question and answer section in the back of the book that is helpful too.

Hope this helps!

S.