Trying to Get My Husband to Talk to Me

I haven't tried this, but my mom says that sometimes if you write someone a letter that might get through to them. Sometimes people reading something works better then trying to talk to them. I think the therapist is a really good idea too. Good luck I hope everything works out.

S.,

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Therapy is a great thing, and I wish I had started sooner. It sounds like your husband has taken himself out of your relationship and disconnected from your older kids. Was it always like this? I think with men, when they get down on something, many times it becomes about isolation. My Dad used to do this with my Mom when I was little, and I have to admit I learned this from him. If things get hard I detach and hold it in, rather than talking about things. Therapy is helping me learn to be more open about my feelings.

I think you've done everything you can. You can't force him to be present in the family. If he's checked out it isn't your fault, these things happen. You've asked him to go to therapy and that's a great step to take!! If he doesn't show up, then it's best to figure out what your game plan is after that. What do you want to do? What's best for ALL your kids? Don't think of this in terms of failure...you can't make someone do something if their heart and soul are not in it.

I hope this works out for the best for you...whatever that is. Good Luck and let me know if you ever need to talk, I've been through a similar situation.

Is he possibly depressed?
Maybe he should see his Doctor?

He sounds like he has given up on everything. There HAS to be a reason.... for all the deterioration in your communication/relationship/marriage and his relationship with the family. And WHY does he feel that you would all be happier without him? That is "odd" that he would think that... there must be a REASON for this statement he said.

How are your children doing? It MUST affect them too. Kids always know and feel these things. Do they know anything?

You said that you feel so isolated and alone and overwhelmed in this. And rightfully so. BUT... your Husband is feeling the SAME way. His behavior reveals this. This is how men deal with problems.

Are you close with his family or any of his friends? Can they possibly reveal any insight to this? Have you asked them?

The thing is, it is only speculation now, as far as WHY this is happening. But, you need to get to the ROOT of the problem. Until then, this will not be solved.

YOur Husband is sending out VERY STRONG signals, that something is wrong with HIM. As his wife, even if it's hard, try to help him. Try to be pragmatic about it, and look at it to see what could be ailing him. Is everything okay at his job? Or are there problems there too??? Sometimes, a man gets their "identity" from their jobs too. He sounds VERY overwhelmed with something that he can't shake off. And he does not know how to reach out for help.

All the best,
Susan

Hi S.:
It sounds obvious,that the relationship between your husband and your sons from a previous marriage is strained.While the boys probably aren't looking for a daddy figure in him,they certainly are sharp enough to see through him,and his obvious disconnect to them.If he is taking off to play baseball and basketball with his friends,your boys are old enough,that they would and should be included. This would create A sense of comradely between them. As it is now,your husbands lack of accepting them as part of this family,makes him nothing more than a thorn in their side.The only time he spends with them,is of a negative nature.(Disciplining,being the only time they receive his attention) If I were in your sons place,I'd feel better off if he were gone to! Asking someone to change is unacceptable,however requesting someone be more cooperative, and understanding is not asking to very much. If your husband is unwilling to seek family counseling,then he basically is refusing to help keep the family together. Tell him,that you do not want to continue to live like this,and if he's not willing to work together, that this marriage is going to go downhill real fast. His comment,about you all being better off without him,sounds to me,as though he's already considered doing just that.Think about it... If it weren't for his having to leave his daughter,would he still be there? Maybe what he needs is a taste,of reality? A separation,might wake him up. I wish you the best. J. M

Hi S.,
It's a sad situation to be in. It really sounds like to me that he doesn't want to be in this marrage anymore. You can't force him to want the family that you want. And just the fact that he is shuting down say everything to me.
I just hope that he is not cheating on you. This very well maybe the case. When they(men) get distant and "not around alot", there is something going on. When he joined your family of 3 years ago, he should have loved your children like his own. It doesn't sound like that was the case. Did things change over the years? It's absolutly not ok for him to lay all the work on you. It's time to fight for your happiness, and it is not with him. I understand that you love him, but, he is not at that level with you anymore. It sucks and you feel alone, but things need to change for your sanity. Like I said before, you can't force him to love you as much as you love him, he is obviously not happy any longer. Do whats best for your family.I hope you get a lot of good advise from the other moms. Good luck to you. and your family.

i agree with S H on that he may be depressed over something. i think that he should help with a couple chores around the house. its also not very fair that he seems to favor his daughter over his step children. he married you knowing you had these two children and he should support all the kids and not just spend time with one. maybe your whole family can sit down and have your children tell him how much they want him around and to spend time with them. tell him again how much its hurting you that he doesnt seem to want to be apart of your family but he can go out with his buddies. also ask him why he feels that you would be happier without him. then after your children are done expressing their want for him to be involved maybe ask him what he wants out of this marriage because to me it seems like hes leaning to divorce and theres ways of preventing that if he is willing to particapate. he needs to make a harder effort to go on vacation with you (i dont think hes really trying). also schedual a day at the park or somewhere you can have a picnic as a family.
if he doesnt want to be aoart dont force him he knows what hes missing out on.

Hi S.

Sorry you are having problems. My husband and I have been married for 13 years!! We have 3 kids. We just recently about a year ago started going to a christian church. We have been going through their marriage counsling/classes. THEY HAVE DONE WONDERS. They are fun, energetic, not daunting at all. Look to your church for some help. We have a great marriage but there are always bumps....

Good luck

Hi there-
First of all, thank you for having the courage to share your story. You are not alone, and by reaching out I hope that you are reminded that whatever happens in life, you really will never be alone.
Second, it sounds like he may be suffering from some sort of self-esteem issue. Could that be possible> Or depression? Hard to say from what you write alone, but when someone says that they think you'd be happier without them, that is what comes to mind. If that is the case, or even if it's not, I would write a letter telling him how much you appreciate him and what he DOES do (even if you have to search really really hard for the little things. Guys thrive on feeling appreciated and useful.) Then say thing in the moment (like "thanks for taking out the trash honey, i really appreciate it). Keep at this for a while and you may notice a change. Don't be negative for as long as you can...

When things seem to feel more comfortable perhaps you can write him a letter again and let him know that you again appreciate the effort he's been putting in (hopefully you'll see a difference if you do step #1) Now is the time for mentioning one or two concrete things that would really make you even more appreciative... (such as setting up a date night once a week-even if you just put the kids to bed and have dinner - or a family night, etc). Perhaps if he's given a concrete idea he won't seem as threatened as if you just tell him how you feel without giving him a way to change. I don't know if that will work, but try...(Also, if you are up for it, sex helps their self-esteem a lot. ) Good luck!

S., I feel for you in this situation. I am not an expert. But, I think you need to find some female support and get out of the house let him find out what it takes to be in your shoes. Have him make dinner for the kids. Be their chauffeur etc.. YOU, get involved in a group that meets on week nights. Take a trip for yourself and get some TLC. Let him miss you. Dont make any harsh decisions until you have talked to a therapist. even if he will not take part in some therapy.. you must. You take care of you now. It is your life too!!

Love and Happiness to you,
Steff

Hi S.,Sorry to here that you are going through the feeling of lonliness, I think all women have experienced this at least once in life. I've been married for almost 28 years, but at our 13 year mark my husband retired from the Navy, and it was very stressful on the marriage, as a woman I always wanted to talk things out, I didn't realize it at the time even though my husband told me but I was doing more talking at him than to him, I was pushy for resolution, and it got to the point t5hat i was like a resounding noise to my husband, once i changed how I spoke to him and re worded the way I was expressing myself, the communication got better, I'm not saying this is the case with you, but it is something to think about. Honestly as a wife if your husband is working the long hours that you said, I would not exspect him to do things around the house, if he takes care of the out side, that's great. The theropist I'm not so sure that was a good idea, specially expecting your husband to talk to this person. There may be something going on with your husband, that's causing him to shut down. let him know you are there for him, in as few words as possible, don't nag, don't push, I know that's what i did, and it doesn't work, ask him what you can do to help, to improve things, even if you feel that you are doing all you do, it shows humbleness, and that goes a long way some time. Fight for your marriage, my husband and i got help from our church, we have attended marriage retreats, roof top party's things in our church that is geared toward the marrieds. If you want to talk furture I'm out here, our marriage is awesome, and I can share with you what all worked for us. J. L.

The 6 year mark was tough for my husband and myself as well, we just had a one year old at the time. I have to second the response saying give give give to him. Make the house a pleasant place to be, be a warm welcome to him when he gets home so he wants to be home, get your kids to help clean house (you all live there, you should all participate), give your husband space and time - this is how men work things out! I listen to Dr.Laura and when I first started tuning in I thought she was harsh and mean and terrible.... BUT I kept listening, she is quick, simple, to the point and (in my opinion)99% of the time she is right. Read "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by her, the key to saving our marraige was ME changing MY attitude and then changing MY actions to suit MY new attitude - even though I was convinced it was my husband who needed to change! Guess what, three years later we are happily in love with another baby in the house and we BOTH have changed attitudes and actions - mututal love and respect for each other, and have made it through a job loss, are living in a REALLY tight money situation, have survived changing churches, and a miscarraige in this short time period - all stresses that could have really damaged our marraige, but they didn't! Hang in there! You can do this, and when you get through it you will be so proud of yourself and of him for making your marraige what you dreamed it would be - which will just strengthen you even more!

my first responce is OMG...is he suicidal?

i know what it is to feel like you are a single mom raising your children when you have a husband that isn't helping...but, when he isn't there...it will be worse! trust me, i know.

unfortunately, i can recommend "the proper care and feeding of husband" by laura slessinger...

"unfortunately" because i know all the reasons to rebell against that thought when you feel the way that you have written that you do.

however, if you can recognize the empowerment that the book gives you, it MAY help.

i know that you are hurting and that you are lonely and feeling so low...but, you have to be the strong woman that i have read about...you ARE capable of saving this marriage...your life AND of being happy, hon. *hugs*

and, if a man is not willing to go to a therapist...you can force his body to be there...but, not is attitude or mind.

good luck.

I just HAD to respond to Michelle E.
HAHAHAHAHA
yep, i remember those feelings...not those words...but, yep, those feelings. I, too, was a career woman. I worked for over 30 years and worked my way up (full time) mind you to management and to various careers in retail/technology and office work. However, i AM now a SAHM...

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and wore it out!

i raised two children while working full time and i'm TRYING to raise one, now, while being home full time. Both are a challenge...both have times i want to pull my hair out.

Don't be too quick to judge what you don't know...and realize that you DON'T know very much! *evil grin*

Recently, when my husband and I were doing pre marital counseling, our councilor recommended The Love Dare Book. She explained it as a daily devotional that can improve all of the relationships in our lives. Recently we saw the movie Fireproof in which "a couple dares to rescue their choking marriage from the flames of divorce and temptation using The Love Dare book as a guide". (http://thelovedarebook.com/)
I hope this helps. I can't speak from personal experience with regard to this book, but I feel for you, and I hope you get through this difficult time, and your husband takes a moment to appreciate you, and all you do for him and your family.

All the best

I can tell you what has worked for me as well as suggestions & then you can take from it as you wish.

I can say that marriage is a lot of work. Raising kids is a lot of work, especially if you are doing it alone. However, you are married & with a few key tips, you can get back to being a couple.

I remember us struggling around the 6/7 year marker. It sounds to me (I have been through this situation)that right now (may feel like a long time, but handled correctly will pass)he is in need of extra care. I understand that you work full time & take care of everything, but that is what we(wives) do. He works a lot - and it may be quite a stressful job. When he comes home, let him relax. I understand that you have needs, but if you meet his needs first, he will eventually meet yours.

If you get home first, try to have dinner ready. If he sits in his chair & turns the t.v. on go kiss him and as if he needs anything or if you can do anything to make his life better. Maybe the elder kids can watch the little one so you can go out to dinner together. I would also suggest that the older ones tidy up the main room before "dad" gets home. This can make a huge difference in your husbands disposition. Clean main room, time to unwind, dinner - happy wife - you would be surprised at how far these few things can go.

I understand that you felt rejected when you started crying - well, in a way he was shutting down. Early on in our relationship my husband told me that crying as such felt like manipulation & he would shut down if I did that to him. They don't know how to handle it - they are not emotional beings. They are fact beings & resent it when crying is used. Try to stay level headed. Write yourself note & give him advance notice that you have a couple things to talk about. Schedule a time (not as soon as he gets home) & try to stay to the point. Maybe you can even write a note with your points & a little message at the bottom "team meeting at 7:30" I have learned that "springing" on a heavy discussion never ends positively.

As crazy & stressful as things are right now, you need to put your marriage first. You & your husband can overcome this if you work at becoming a team. Spend time together & when you do, keep the nagging & stressful life stuff out of it. Enjoy your time together & try to set some goals. Do you two have any goals for the next year, five, ten years? In 14 years when your last child goes off to college, all you will have is each other. You need to strengthen that relationship now.

If he wants to go out with the guys, let him. Recommend it once a week or so. Male bonding is important, but the stronger your relationship gets, the less appealing hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys will be.

This is alot. Please know that I can sympathize with you & understand your position. I know that you (if you choose) can get through this rough patch a stronger & happier couple. Show him change is necessary by changing yourself first. Reassure him that he is important & that you love him. Fill his empty spots & he will fill yours. Help him find his way with you so you don't loose him to himself or someone else.

I wish you the very best...

it sounds like hes depressed. he should really go see a doctor before it gets worse! my sister and mom both have clinical depression and it hit me pretty hard as postpartum. its not you, its him. he needs professional help!

Hi S.,

I can only tell you, I met my husband when my daughter was 13 and I always say...he missed his opportunity to RUN. She was a hellion for a bit! We are at 12 1/2 years now and we have had many highs and lows. At this point, I get upset with him and can just place him in my ignore category for a while and then things fix themselves. Not saying that is the answer, but it works for us at this point. Had I done it 6 years ago, he may have walked. We just know and understand our limits with each other, but it took a while to learn that.

All I am trying to say to you is marriage is a lot of work. When you look around your home, is everything perfect and in its place just because? No you have to work at it and it can't be done on your own, it take a little work from EVERY one. It makes it difficult because he has shut down, but work on it and hopefully he will open up. As well, if you had to poor everything in a pot and divide it all between every member of the family, you can only be fair in putting his long hours of work in there too, after all his long hours with a reward of income is what pays the bills to support the house, even if you work too. Remember, work is not easy for anyone lately. You are either overwhelmed or in fretting not producing enough.

I hate to say it, but try to do it without crying. As women, we are emotional and express many of our feelings with tears, while men on the other hand shut down and don't like to talk. Something my husband still says to this day is...I am doing IT again. My response is, what is IT? That is a communication problem, possibly boy/girl problem. I honestly don't know what IT is, but he says I do it.

If time allows, read & research about relationships, men vs. women. I started to read Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus before I giggled and said to myself...I get it. It is rare to have an emotional talkative man and likewise woman are talkers who express every emotion known to mankind and then some.

Best of luck and when need be, vent to us girls and save the short and sweet talk for hubby until you two are able to get through some of this.

C.

Let me start by asking, how did he treat your children before you married him? I hate to say this but he is making excuses, he's only saying you would you would be better off without him because he doesn't want to be with you anymore and the reason he's still there is because of your daughter together. Sweetheart...it's right in front of you, he has and makes time for himself and his daughter, he doesn't talk to you and distance himself from you and your children. I'm sorry but for him the marriage is already over. We as women hate to give up on our husband but don't lose yourself trying to save something that can't be saved. Tell him that you're a strong woman and you can handle the truth.....then you ask him for that truth. I wish you all the luck in the world. If he is depressed you let him know that you are his partner and you are as one. I'm a military wife and no one knows long hours like I do but time can be made and as far as house work...my husband doesn't do anything either but he makes up for it with everything else. Good Luck and my GOD Bless You.

There was a book that really helped me with my marriage called "Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage" by Gary Smalley. The first half of the book is written for the husband to read, the second half was written for the wife to read.

The book is Christian based, the author references scripture in the book. However, even if you are not Christian or religious I still think the book would be very helpful.

My husband and I tried counseling and it helped only a little. I really saw major improvements after I started implementing some of the changes the author suggested. This occurred before my husband even read his half of the book. The author shows you how to talk to your husband in a way that really reaches him.

I hope this suggestion helps and I'm wishing you the best for your family.

Your husband sounds unhappy. Not w/ you, but, w/ life. Can you 2 go out? Can the 3 kids stay home together? Even if it is just for a walk, no adays no one has extra $, but, a free babysitter. and an hour holding hands and walking would be good for all of you. Good luck.

I wasn't going to respond, but I couldn't stop thinking about your situation. You're married...for the second time...what are YOU doing differently to protect and honor your marriage?

You can focus on his faults, but that doesn't seem to be working. Its natural for a man to feel a connection with his own child than to connect with children by another man. He did know you had kids before you got married, but didn't understand the implication of adopting them as his own, which he may never. Can you accept that?

Sit him down and look at your financial picture. Can you cut your hours to part time since he is working so much or stop working outside the home altogether? That would allow you to focus on HIM more and the HOUSE more instead of juggling so much. If you do need to continue to work, set out a list of chores and have him chose which he would like to be responsible for. DOn't expect him to want to clean the house though....:o) And your 13 and 15 yr old are plenty old to take care of themselves and help you vacuum, change bedding, do their laudry, fold clothes sweep floors, scrub toilets...all that "inside" stuff. Take a Saturday and train them how to do it properly. Make it fun! Turn on music give everyone a task and see how fast you can do it so you can enjoy the rest of your day. Start now to train your children to be independent of you. Lord knows you do not want to raise your son to sit around the house while his wife does all the work. It starts with you.

If you allow him to have the night out with the guys, then he won't feel like he needs to get away so much. Make him comfortable in his own home. Right now, he avoids the home because he doesn't know how to make you happy or how to relate to your children. Help him. You are the strong one. He is not rejecting you, he doesn't know how to make you happy. Tell him. Show him you love him. Don't pester him with how overwhelmed you are. Make your self avaiable to love! Set the mood, get the kids to bed early, make a date. Seduce him! Or someone else will (TV, basketball, work)

When you married him it became about you and him. Kids are secondary unless you want a divorce. If you feel like he is abusive toward them, that is grounds for legal counsel.

You can do this. Write it down, talk to him, come to a common place. Or find a mediator to help you. You can make your marriage everything you thought it would be and more.

S.:

My husband and I are married six years also and we have a 5 years old little girl together and I have an 11 years old boy from my previous marriage. He loves my son as much as his own. He treats both kids with the same.....there's no favorite in our household. He would never considerate going on vacation alone nor will he hang out with his friends without my consent. My husband works long hours as well and when we have issues, he's willing to talk, listen and work out our issues.

I understand your pain but it doesn't seem that your husband wants to be in the marriage. That's why he's telling you that you and the kids would be better off without him. That's why he hasn't put in the effort to make the marriage works. Every marriage has its up and down but it would take two people to make it work. Are you sure he hasn't been seeing someone else? Even if he doesn't want to, maybe you should try to get an advice from a professional. This is a serious matter. Take care of it now or you'll end up hating him.

I feel your pain. I think you're on the right track seeking a therapist, even if your husband never goes with you, you need someone to talk to. From what you've said, it really sounds like your husband isn't happy and is looking for an out. You may not ever really understand the "why". But for the time being, seeing a therapist is probably your best bet at some answers. Good luck! I know this is painful. Be strong!

dear S.,
it is hard to have communication problems and feel alone in a marriage. focus on yourself, love your self and you'll have more love to give back. you might also call on your spirituality and practice whatever faith you belong to even more right now or seek spiritual guidance (eckhart tolle's could be inspiring).
cyber flowers,
a.

Hi S.,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, you can't make someone do something that he wouldn't and refuse to do. It seems like with long hours can be an advantage and the best excuse he can use to deny his devotion to the family and family time. It it no excuse for working long hours.Has he always been that way? Or when did you started noticing his change of behavior? I was in the exact same boat as you are years ago. I brought a package into my first marriage along with a child of our own. Then he started the same behavior your husband is doing. Tried everything. Then I started ignoring him and went about my daily and family routine convincing myself that I am now alone and has to be strong for my children and taking care of myself. Suddenly my first hubby started asking me questions why I'm not asking him to spend time with the family, why I'm not crying anymore, etc. I did exactly what he has been doing to me and he kept getting irate and more angry. I stood strong and kept on acting the same way he has put me through by ignoring him. Then he accused me of having an affair, that he was going to take my son away, that he was filing for a divorce, etc. I still ignored it and walked away. One night, I showed up unexpectedly at his work place, parked a distance away, then BANG! A blue car with two good looking gals, then he suddenly left work and followed these two lads straight to an apartment complex. Yep, thank goodness I had an overnight babysitter that I waited in the complex parking lot till morning. Saw him returning to his car, and started to leave. Called the babysitter and alerted her not to say a thing when he gets home but I'm on the way. Speeding short route home, straight to bed as if I was asleep all night. He walked in and I got up then asked him where he was the whole night. He said working and he's tired, don't want to talk, blah blah. I told him to get the divorce papers I am so ready to move on. He went about accusing me of cheating on him. I then laid out what I discovered. He accused me of lying. I bluffed and told him I got pictures. He turned white and I got my divorce, moved on, married my current husband for 21 years now, he brought in two of his, I brought in mine. Sometimes its the fear of being alone and not having your companion next to you that weakens your strength and luring you to put up with it. You are on the right track. Trying therapist or marriage counseling. And if he still been stiff about it. Then the call is yours. You are already independent yourself. You have exhausted all areas. Bugging him and nagging him aint will not make him listen. His long hours at work is no excuse. You work just as much or more yourself. It's like raising another child...Is it worth your stress level? Is it worth your time rather than giving that time and energy to the kids? Sometimes, going separate ways will alert the ignorant one realized what a great thing he had after he tumbles a thousand times without you...YOUR DECISION IS YOUR HAPPINESS...YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST....Good luck

I highly recommend the movie titled Fire Proof starring Kirk Cameron. It's a Christian based movie. It's enlightening. There is also a work book that goes along with it--a 40 day work book. You could do this alone. It's best to view the movie as a couple. Maybe this could be a movie date! This is a start that may help with communication, and a renew relationship for both of you.

Hi there,

Clearly something is going on in his life, and whatever it is, it has nothing to do with you. I know that sounds odd, because his behavior if affecting you, but the cause is on him. He sounds like he feels guilty and meaningless. Can you think of something that might have brought this on? Has he ever had any sort of addiction problems, perhaps he feels his job is not secure?

I think it's great that you've made a therapist appointment, and even if he won't join you perhaps you can develop the tools to help yourself - regardless of the outcome of your marriage. If he won't see a therapist perhaps there's a clergy person? A major issue that needs to be addressed is how he treats the older kids. This is not acceptable and must be put right now. They're kids, and you must be their advocate.

Do you have a family member to help out? I see you have a 13 and 15 year old. They are old enough to be helping with the household chores, and babysit while you do a little something for yourself. Best of luck.

My husband sort of acted the same way. He was overwhelmed with his life and we did therapy each week for 6 months and No, insurance didn't pay for it. Guess what changed? Nothing. He did nothing the therapist told him to do if he wanted things to get better. we discussed divorce. He promised he'd change, but he didn't. I don't think he could.

On the advice from a friend, I bought this adrenal support for his possible subclinical depression that was not due to serotonin, but rather to his adrenals on functioning up to par and he started taking 2 in the am and now takes 3 and I can tell when he stops taking it. The stress in his life just got to be too much for him. (I eat that stress for breakfast and can handle it.) Have him try it for 2 weeks and see? My husband became more communicative, more affectionate and his sex-drive went up.

www.WorldLifeSupplements.com

Wow, I sure hope you dont take Michelle E.'s advise.

Contrary to what a lot of woman think, DADS MATTER! They matter a lot to your kids. You have a obligation to them to do all you can to work through this.

Your husband is probably just craving respect. He is not a baby he is a man. Treat him like one. Woman need love men need respect.

Before doing anything rash, take Kathleen R.'s advise and at least read the book. Going to a good marriage and family therapist is also a great idea.

Good luck to you. This is not easy and I feel for you. You can get through it!

Dear S. W.I hope that God bless you every day and help you find the way to raise your kids on your own,you are a wonderfull woman!a super woman!!!what you realy need is to know that only God can help this relationship, prey and be as awsome as you are!if he(you husband)dont have the avility to realized how beautifull life is by your side,is his lost!!be brave!be a Mom!as always!be strong,I will pray for you and your kids,so God can bless you!

Hi S.,
I wanted to second the advice on reading John Gottman's self-help books about marriage. I am currently reading Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and I think it's going to save my marriage! It is the first book and philosophy I have read that makes sense and gives tools that really work. You have to have a husband that is willing to work on things of course and one that is willing to look at his own contributing factors. You can't change him, but you can definitely work on yourself and more than likely, once you begin to change, he will. It has nothing to do with fault. There may be other things going on with your husband that he's not aware of (depression? or other mental health issues). I think the first step is for you to help yourself and get yourself on the right track and feeling better. Then you can approach your husband in a loving non-accusatory way and try the methods suggested by Gottman based on real-life research. He has a 94% accuracy rating in determining which marriages will survive and which will end in divorce. My husband says he's going to read the book when I'm finished (almost done). And I think it will really help him to understand what's been going on with us. It really helped me to see that we are not alone and that there truly is hope and it's not just a matter of learning how to communicate, but how to actually feel better and see things in a positive way. Our marriage has truly been tested with the 'normal' but stressful struggles of having children, and my husband getting laid off and not being able to get solid work for over a year now. Plus my own personal baggage I bring. Anyway, I saw some of what you are feeling in this book as I was reading just last night. I highly recommend it and the other ones by Gottman. He also does seminars and workshops. He is the best. Sincerely, K.

Hi, S.,

Your situation sounds challenging. Here's my advice as a wife, a mother, and graduate psychology student who comes from a family of therapists:

Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. John Gottman, a reputable psychologist, unlike many other authors of some very popular relationship books, bases his books on scientific principles and scientifically sound research as well as many years of clinical experience! I have read many relationship books, this is by far my favorite.

Find a good, if not great, psychotherapist to talk to on your own if your husband won't go. I know many psychotherapists, and unfortunately, I can't say that most of them were good. I highly recommend mine, Swati Desai, of Akasha Center in Santa Monica.

Believe what your husband says. If he consistently says that he won't change, he doesn't want to change, etc., believe him. Too many women think that they can permanently dramatically change a man. No man or woman can change another person who does not want to be changed. All we can do is make ourselves the kind of people that we want to be. If it looks as though your husband will not change and you cannot change or will not change for whatever reason, in other words, your marriage won't work out, then try to build up your financial, emotional, career skills, so that you can survive without your husband's emotional, physical and financial support.

Good luck,
Lynne E

try reading "PROPPER CARE AND FEEDING OF A HUSBAND" by Dr. Laura. if that does not make a change then Michelle E. is RIGHT ON! I had a husband like that...Two actually & the 3rd one is a charm...Even treats my adult children & my grandaughter like he does his own & I do the same for his family. Mr. right is out there!!!