Trying to Do Good for My Kids, Help

L.,
Eventhough my husband and I are together I had to deal with my parents doing that when I was real young. Honestly, you can love someone and never be able to live with them! My parents got married young and were SO in love. They had hard times and good times and great times and real bad times.. I think every couple go through that but when you decide to split and you have kids that just makes a whole new realm of complicated! Have you talked to your kids? and how do they feel about the situation? I remember when I was little.. I was around 3 or 4 and my brother was 7 or 8 when they actually got divorced. We always hoped they would get back together but being children we didn't see what they were really going through. For us they did try to make it work several times and I think it really does get hopes up.. I was so excited to see them together and then AGAIN it would be all over.. If you've really given it a good few tries and it ends up the same don't put your kids through it again.. My parents had to finally come to the realization that they were better friends than spouses and they talked alot and loved eachother and it worked that way. Love and marriage can be a viscious cycle. I'm sorry you have to go through that.. but I really think for the kids its best not to start the wheel again.. I hope this helps you. We will pray for understanding and that you and your kids make it through a difficult time!
All the best!~M.

Hi L.,

First of all, you DID NOT hurt your children. Kids are way more resilignt then we give them credit for. As far as seperating, it sounds like it works for everybody except you. Guilt, especially unwarranted guilt will just eat you up and that would hurt the kids more than being in a 'REAL FAMILY'. There are all kinds of "real families", kids living with grandparents, gang members feeling a sense of belonging with their "boys", aunts and uncles raising someone elses kids. You kids have it good. They feel less stress and tension, and they know they are wanted at both houses. We share custody with my husband's ex-wife. It took me a long time to become comfortable in my role. I decided that when they are here I will not fall into the "weekend parent" kind of person--all fun and games. I go on with our regular routine (which I believe kids thrive on) and that really helps them feel at home and not awkward. It's great that you and your ex--or soon to be ex---get along. You wll be in each others lives forever. All the special functions and there will be tension at many of these, we are only human, but overall if the kids seem quiet or uncomfortable I just take a step back and let them interact as the "real family" they once were. I've always stressed that they have a "real mom, that loves them very much", but they are lucky because now they have2 sets of parents that love them deeply, sometimes so deeply that we all argue who "gets" you. That's pretty cool. If they are little, they of course, will want their parents to get back together. I realize that is normal, but still deep down it's a little hurtful to me. I've been with them since they were 1.5 and 2.5. I remember going in to the youngest child's room because he was crying and I jumped up and scooped him in for a consoling hug, we he noticed that it was me and not his "real mom" he cried even louder and begged for his dad. That was the hardest time. The great times are too many to list, but my dgtr and I were at the grocery store and she was about 4. The lady in line commented that we looked just alike! We laughed and laughed. My son has bright red hair and when people ask where that came from I just wink at him and say "from his mom". It was our little game. Eventually their mom and I became pretty good friends. She spends most holidays with us so we can both be with the kids. It was difficult for my husband at first, but he's a trooper and realized it was for the kids. The point of this novella is that you are giving your kids the "real family", only without all the bickering that was part of their first real family.

One more tip: I didn't want the kids to call me "mom" since they already had a mom that we shared custody with. But I also didn't want themto call me by my first name...so we came up with"Mamasan", that seemed to work and then when their dad and I had a baby the kids were over the moon! No jealously, no problems. Of course they couldn't wait to show their mom, so in she comes and it wasn't so bad. I guess it could have been bad for her, to see what we had to offer the kids--but they understood completely wha the deal was. We swore to ourselves that we would never say an unkind thing about their mom in their presence. That was tough for me, in fact there were many rough patches, but the kids were encouraged to tell us what it feels like. They didn't want to favor one over the other. In any event, I see both families, grandparents and cousins, make up our very happy and very REAL family. Good luck to you L.. Give your kids the stability they need, don't bring home a lot of men, if you do get serious I'd meet the new guy at Chucky Cheese, a family geared place. They can get to know him and if it becomes too much they can go off and play for awhile, but you know what? They always came back! Our eldest is getting married in a year. I do wonder what my place will be. My kids question that? Like "what do you think you're going to be?" and all my old insecurities came back. Would they want a pic of the "real parents? Will the old parents talk about things that I was not around for ... what's the deal. My dgtr was actually confused. She told me my role would be to be a mom at her daughter's wedding. Wowsa, that feels good. I do hope you find peace and don't worry about your kids, go for joint custody if you can. Let dad deal with the day to day, get homework, baths, meals and bedtime, just like you have to do. If he only sees them on the weekends that's not fair to you. You do all the hard, task master sort of stuff, and he's free to "wine them and dine them". That would confuse them more. Sorry this has been so long, but I feel strongly that my experiences may be of some sort of help. Write to me anytime at ____@____.com to hear from you soon.

V.

Hi L.,

Seperation is always hard. BUT! I find that it's harder on children to see the two people that they love the most fight and argue like crazy. Think about all the drama they may see with you and Dad living together. When parents fight, children get angy and may began to withdraw or even feel like the fighting is thier fault. It's great that you have given things a second try. Please remeber that it HURTS children when thier parents fight. When my parents seperated my moms house was calm and my Dads house was calm. WEEEW!

Also, try hard to be on one accord with parenting. Make parenting your children you and your husband main focus.

Small world L.~ I have been contemplating this over the past week when I met my ex-husband's fiance. We have been divorced for the past 3 yrs and now I feel like this. If he marries again, our son that he has never known will have a new mom- THAT IS WHEN I SAID, HELL NO!! I don't want my kids having anyone else in their life telling them what to do, disciplining them or anything- they have thier father and me. But this is not about you or him anymore, just like it is not about me and my ex-husband. You have to look at what you want, your kids will be happy if you are happy. Stick it out because your love is stronger than your hate. We divorced because he had a drug problem and never acknowledged it- other than that, I would have never left him. He may just go ahead and get married to the other woman, but if we have a chnace to make it happen, I would go for it! There is a good and bad for everything, but you have to just find the common ground between you two and work it out. The kids see him on weekends, and I am sure that makes their day, but from what I have seen kids change throughout the transition, and it is very hard to deal with that. I would rather be with my ex than to have some other woman in my boys' life who will NEVER love them the way his parents do. Life is too short to hate!! Communication is the best way to see the light on both ends. I am sure things will work out, don't feel bad keep your head up and the answers are there, ask your kids. Its amazing when you really need them, they give you hope and love just with their smiles- they can help! Good luck!!

My children's pediatrian says it's easier on the children they younger they are to get through divorce. If you don't think you are going to make it together you probably aren't. I'm a also a believer that why continue to waste your time on a relationship that is all bad (arguing/fighting all the time)? All you are doing is teaching your children to grow up and be in the same type of relationship, fighting all the time.
Just ask yourself, is this the type of relationship I want my children to have? If the answer is no, then you deserve something better.

hi L.
i have an exercise for you to do. it is called a 'cost/benefit analysis' which sounds complex, but it is not.
draw a line down a piece of paper. on one side list the benefits of this relationship with your man. on the other side, list what this relationship is costing you. put the sheet down and then think about it and later start it up again. your kids need a model of love and stability and so if they are seeing conflict and instability ~~ is this costing them ?????
keep in touch. let me know how this works for you....
C.

Hi L., Have you asked your kids how they feel about mom and dad? You might be surprised by what they say~ kids are very smart and they might feel like it is better when mom and dad are not living together. From, what you wrote it doesn't sound like you are hurting the kids but are working to provide them with a safe and warm environment.You tried your best and it didn't work out. Sometimes when we want something so bad we try as hard as we can and it still doesn't come out like we want it too. I hope I have encouraged you a bit and I hope everything works out for you.

At this point I think you should stop worrying about what happened. What's done is done. Just be sure to sit down with your kids and tell them that even though mommy and daddy don't want to live with each other you both still love them very much, and that it's not their fault. Your kids are old enough to be told the truth (without all the details) about your and their dad's relationship. The last thing you want is to let your kids think that it's their fault things didn't work between mommy and daddy. I hope this helps.

I think if you guys never get back together again, the kids will grow up knowing you tried. Yea, they might be a little messed up, but who doesn't mess up their kids? You're all still young. Don't give up on each other. Keep that door open. Especially if you still love each other. Sometimes I hate my husband. When you love someone so much, and you feel hurt by them, it's easy to hate. What isn't easy, is working it out, but it's possible. I pray the best for you and yours.

Dear L.,

I think that you did the right thing by trying one more time. If you hadn't done that you would have spent the rest of your life thinking about what if you had tried? Now you know. The children will be hurt, of course, but life is full of hurts. The most important thing is that as they grow older that you tell them a bit, not a lot, about how much you love their Dad, but that it just didn't work out and that you wanted them to have a good experience with him. ....and what was happening at that time when you were trying together just wasn't the best experience for them.

Tell them that they can be Dads when they grow up and remember what they didn't like that you and Dad had done with life and that they can make their own decisions at that time. Just be honest and open and loving. Be sure to tell them that you do love and respect their Dad, and show it (but not too much) . You know how men are. la, la, la, and on and on. You know how grandmas are.

Also, remember we are not put on Earth to be perfect, we are put here to be respectful of life
and do the best we can, which sometimes is not so good.But you tried. I always told my students that TRY is the most important word in the world, and now finally that IS all I have to say.

Sincerely, C. N

Hey girl. In my experiences I think that staying with the father is not really in the best interest for the kids, especeially if you're not getting along. I was in the same boat getting back together with my daughters dad for her. This went back and forth til I was about 25 and my daughhter was 7 and that was the worst thing for her because everytime we'd get back together and broke up it just crushed her spirit. So my thoughts would be to not continue to go back and forth (if it truly is not meant to be. Kids are very impressionable at that age and I'm sad to say that now my daughter is in therapy (not just for that) but I'm convinced that our relationship had a lot to do with her current behavior. She is now 10 and doing great now. I would have liked to have that part of her life omitted if I could turn back time. Much luck!

Dear L.,
My husband and I were married 15 yrs. when it was so bad we went to therapy. WE started the marriage going to therapy after the first couple of months. It got better........than worse.....than better. So we decided to have kids and bingo the first one was born. He never was around much with his work schedule and disciplined our kid like hitler when he was around I started looking at our parenting skills and realized I couldn't support his style. We got along better than had another child, this child was such a delight and easy to be with that the four of us seem to do well again. Time passed and things got rough again. He was going to school and working trying to get ahead in his career and I was home with the kids and participating as much as I could in their sports, educational programs etc. We fought a lot when we were around each other and decided to get back into counseling. It seemed to be his commute....he left his commute. So we had another baby. The whole pregnancy I was sicker than a dog so I was doing all I could to keep it altogether. OUr third baby was born and he got in reoovery for alcoholism. I got into alanon and life had some semblance of unity. We went on vacations and planned birthday parties for the kids and things were good but the day to day we just couldn't do. After 5 yrs. of treading water trying to get along for the sake of the kids we got back into counseling.When the kids became teenagers we even had different ideas about how to parent them. WE just got by as long as we were in therapy......finally after 20 yrs married we divorced. Personally there were moments when I knew we were just not going to make it no matter how we both changed.If I had followed my gut feelings earlier it would've saved us a mountain of grief cuz I knew we just saw things differently the whole time. Even now we are grandparents and the kids don't see us at the same time. If you have tried therapy and every other avenue it is the kindest thing to yourself and kids to both move on and keep high regard for him as much as possible. The kids will see and know why. Out of our 22 yrs legally 14 yrs were spent in therapy.