Too Late to Change Teachers??

I would switch him if you have exhaused all means of working out the situation. That way you may be able to salvage the year on a positive note. Blessings, L.

Hi L.~
Most definitely change teachers if you feel it will help. 4th grade is hard enough you don't need to add a bad teacher to the mix. It makes you wonder why she's so h*** o* him if he's an a/b student. For whatever reason some kids and teachers just don't click and it makes all the difference in the world when they do. If the school gives you a hard time about it just keep being the "squeaky wheel" till they change him. You don't what him to become labeled as one of the "bad kids" from his experience with this teacher. It will follow him his entire school career.

Ugh, she sounds like a troll. I'd change him, especially since he is old enough to understand whats going on and to add his own input.

Hi L. ~

From what you're not telling us it sounds as though the school has made up its mind it's your son and not the teacher. Not a surprise if that's correct but it's helpful to remind yourself that's really the bottom line: they will support the teacher not your son.

I hear from many parents that kids need to learn they won't get along with everyone they meet in life. Maybe. Only you, as his parent though, will know if this is a growing opportunity or a traumatic experience.

Is it remotely possible your son is experiencing emotions over the new baby and new husband? Perhaps feeling a little less secure than usual and this might be an over reaction to usual school life? Perhaps the teacher is frustrated also (not everyone is skilled in recognizing and working with emotional help) if your son isn't verbalizing what's really wrong.

4th Grade is tough on kids emotionally and mentally. Leaving early childhood behind as they start preparing for testing, etc. It isn't easy and I've been through it three times and have another going through it now.

Removing him from that environment isn't a bad option at all whether it's to a new classroom or homeschooling. Just be sure that where he lands helps him talk about what he went through and helps him be ready should the same situation occur again.

HI L.,
I would certainly change teachers. I know that actually just happened within my daughters school this past month. So it definately isn't something unheard of. I'm sorry that your son ended up with a teacher that conflicts completely with your son:( There will always be a time that this will happen. I bet that he'll transition just fine!
Good luck and hang in there!
S.

I'm sorry to say that we were in the same situation with my daughter just last year. Her 4th grade teacher was obnoxious, demeaning and made a habit of embarassing and rigidly reprimanding students in front of their peers on a regular basis. My daughter had a wondefully supportive 3rd grade teacher who easily gained her students' cooperation and admiration WITHOUT resorting to threats, insults and screaming. It was quite a shock to my daughter and to most of her fellow students to transition from what they were accustomed to in third grade to this fourth grade nightmare. My daughter was a bright, confident, and happy 9 year old when she started fourth grade. She gradually developed such anxiety just being in the presence of this teacher that she literally could not sit still in class. She told us that she was always waiting to make a mistake that she could be humiliated for -- and felt like she could do nothing right in this woman's eyes. She chewed her nails to the nubs, and started compulsively counting things, and eventually was acting out with anger issues at home. This teacher had the NERVE to advise us that she thought our daughter must have ADHD and that we should get her some "help." We went through all sorts of channels -- meetings with the teacher and guidance counselor, meetings with the principal, most of which, unfortunately, was of little or no help. While the teacher eventually began to leave my daughter alone, she continued to treat her friends and classmates like dirt. My daughter was SO angry at the injustice of it all that she couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. At our parent/teacher conference she wouldn't even look at the teacher (who was seated next to her). She kept her head down the whole time and barely said a word while her teacher pretended that everything between them was just peachy. Eventually, we contacted a child psychologist to help us resolve her anxiety issues (which had now expanded into unreasonable fears, among other things). Thankfully, we made good progress with this counselor but it took a sizeable chunk out of my daughter's year of learning to get her back on track.

So sorry to go on and on about this, but I know where you're coming from. I truly wish I had transferred my daughter to another teacher and haven't entirely forgiven myself for not doing so. Another mother had her son in the same class and demanded that he be moved (which the school granted). She later told me that her son's behavior was like night and day after the switch. Just like in labor, there is no award given for "toughing it out" instead of finding ways to ease the pain. As long as your son understands that you are moving him because you consider his issues with this teacher to be serious, and that you've exhausted all of the other options, he undoubtedly would be grateful for your show of support. You've demonstrated that you take his frustrations seriously, and that there are parameters in life that we have to work within, but when they aren't working, more drastic measures may need to be taken -- and not taken lightly.

Even with only a little more than 2 months left to the school year, I think it would be worth the switch. He will acclimate fairly quickly to the academics (they are all studying the same stuff) and you'll likely find that other teachers will be more than willing to help him get to where he needs to be.

There is a certain "code" among teachers as among doctors and other professions that not many (if any) will speak out against their peers -- but they all know who the subpar colleagues are. To make matters worse, the teacher's union is one of the strongest in the country. It is VERY difficult to get a teacher fired unless there is a specific incident that happens to trigger a dismissal or suspension (i.e., physical abuse, etc.)

I know this response is long, but I'll leave you with this: If you aren't your own child's advocate, who will be?? It's the most important job you'll ever have -- trust your gut and go with your instincts. Perhaps he has a good friend in one of the other classes to make the transition easier? Be sure to talk with other parents to get feedback on the other 4th grade teachers so he doesn't go from one bad situation to another. His self-esteem is SO important, especially entering fifth grade. This switch will give him two months to get back on track, give him something to look forward to after vacation, and the whole summer to enjoy after a successful end of the year.

My only other advice is to help prepare him for some of the inevitable questions some of the other kids may ask about why he is changing classes. I wish you and your family the very best!

Hi L.,
I'm a homeschooler, but from my experience in school and in my undergraduate experiences as an elementary education major, and even more in my experience as a mom of 6, I have a couple pieces of input: First, I'm assuming there are about 2 months of school left. That's a lot of time to continue allowing someone to emotionally abuse your child, if you feel that the situation is to that point. If he's been begging you to switch teachers, even though he's a good student, that's a huge red flag that there is stuff going on that is making him miserable, and I would trust your gut on that. However, two months is not that long in the whole scheme of the school year, so it's not like switching him at this point is going to put him behind. Finally, if the school won't do it, you have every right to pull him out and homeschool him the rest of the year. Just the threat alone may make them change their minds -- most schools I've had contact with aren't real keen on homeschooling. But the bottom line is that you as his parent have the right to make sure he is getting the education he deserves, so don't let them push you around! Good luck.

Dear L.,

I don't know what to tell you about what to do in regards to the school and the teacher. What I do want to share with you is what happened to me when I had a mean teacher. I was 5 years old and my mom explained to me that sometimes people are not very nice and they can even be mean. The most important thing to remember is that it has nothing to do with you. You can just ignore her meanness and remember that she is probably her problem not yours.
It is a well known story in my family that one afternoon when my mom picked me up from school, some of the children where crying and I just turned to my mom and told her: "Mom, I think my teacher must be very unhappy because she yelled today" and I went on like nothing happened.
This was 30 years ago in a different country but I hope the main point of the story helps you and your son: Sometimes it's the other person's problem. It is a lesson that has helped me all of my life.

good luck,
A.

Hi L.!
Boy can I relate to your situation! My daughter had a horrific year in 2nd grade and what you are going through is all too familiar. I am also a 4th grade teacher, so I am coming at this from both perspectives. Before last year (the terrible year here) I probably would have given you different advise, but having experienced it, I would say that it is NOT too late to change him (if your school allows for that).

I spent all year wondering if I should request a change....many meetings with the teacher then principal and finally superintendent. Nothing ever changed. If I had it to do all over again, I would have pulled her at any time in the process! Knowing that you are sending your child off to be yelled at, ridiculed, and suffocated emotionally on a daily basis is painful. Knowing that you are not protecting your child is painful.

Without knowing the specifics of what is going on in your child's classroom, if you feel you have done all you can to help the situation and support the entire process, then change teachers. It just isn't worth sending your child to a hostile environment every day!

From the teacher in me, it is hard to believe that I recommend this as, previous to my experience, I probably would have given you suggestions on how to work with the teacher. Having gone through this myself, I now say to put your child first and become a momma bear!!!

If you want to chat more about this, feel free to contact me!

GOOD LUCK!!!
N.

L., go with your gut and get him out of there now. You won't regret taking your child out of what you know is an intolerable situation for him. You and your son have "toughed it out" long enough, and tried to work within the system, you've done your best. You'll be giving your boy the gift of a stress-free conclusion to the school year and the knowledge that when things get really bad and he can't handle them on his own anymore, Mom can be counted on to back him up. Be his hero!

I had to do the same thing, just knowing your child is getting mistreated every day is heart wrenching. The school may fight you on this so be ready, they probably will not change him. However if tell them you are removing him from the school, and you are putting him in a new school, they will most likely meet your needs. They do not want you to take your tax money away from their school. Tell them you need to talk to the superintendent ASAP. Tell them that NO changes have accrued, your son is being emotionally abused. He is a wonderful student and not a trouble maker. Either he is changed now or I remove him. Be stern and back up what you say. Why should your smart son have such a bad experience with this teacher. If you dont stick up for him, no one will!!!! Good luck..let us know!

Hi Leslie,

Sorry that you're seeing your son go through this. With such a short time left with the school year, it may be wise to consider letting him finish it out with the same teacher. He's old enough to understand that the end of the school year is close. If he switched, he'd lose the connection that he has made with his classmates. As for helping make the school day bearable- how about the guidance counselor become involved with the situation? Your son could speak to the counselor confidently and then that staff member could react and be his advocate as well... Maybe, you could ask if your son and this teacher could try to find a common bond- how about a little interview where each of them ask each other 10 questions whereby they each learn a little more about each other and then your son could write it up for a project. Lastly, continue to listen to your son and be his advocate. There are always two sides to a story but if he is coming home every day and hating school, something is up. You could ask to sit in and observe the class, or, have another staff member observe... Continue to take notes so that you can meet with the principle and have objective evidence as to what is occuring in the classroom- it's hard not to become emotional when speaking about one's children so, it's important to have something to refer to when talking (ie notes). Best of luck and remember, shcool is just one part of your son's day- remind him that he can come home to a place that offers him a peaceful environment where he can relax... :-)

The same thing happened to my son. He had an English teacher that gave him a hard time. Parent’s night we scheduled an appointment for us to talk. I was told he would need summer school. This was the first week of October? I'm 49. In my days teachers worked with us. These are teachers that put themselves on a pedestal and think they know it all.
Well they don’t. I decide I pay more then my share of tax for this town, I demanded my share of respect. And I happen to love my son more then showing false respect for this want to be teacher. (I shoot from the hip). I went straight to the principal. Explained the situation. My son was changed out of this class the second term. He is back to all A’s and 1-B. The first term F brought is grad of A to a B. I spend over 60 hrs a week at my job. I’m not the kind of parent that is at the school every week. This was the first time I stepped in. I have older children too. Don’t let your child decide they hate school. I listen to the teachers first. If my kid is wrong. OH- I deal with them. But I refuse to let my kids go threw HELL because of a teacher that should not be working with kids. They have more time off then God! They need to do their job when they are with our kids. This is when your kids needing you. Do you care about you’re kid. Talk with the teacher. See if the problem is the teacher or you’re kid. If it’s your kid. Work with him/her. You need to get them back on track. If it’s the teacher. You’re not only helping your child. You’re making it aware for other kids too. I had other parents approach me after my incident to tell me they too have had issues with this teacher. I get mad. Why did they pretend nothing happened? Tell someone. What kind of parents are these. Sometimes I think I’m living in Stepford town. All programmed robots around me? I suppose these parents rather live in their perfect world in their mind. And let there kids live miserable rater then risk stepping out of there quiet beautiful box. I’m advising my kids to go to school to become a teacher or a shrink. They’ll always be in demand. No wonder so many kids grow up and go nuts. Do you love you’re kid. Then be a mother and protect them. They need you when they hurt outside and even more when they hurt inside. (Sorry about misspelled words- This is the first one I answered. It touched home for me-Don't have lots of time).
My kids call me,
Sugar Momma

I'd report it again to the principal.. and start going to the school and sitting in the back - observe/volunteer. I know it might be hard with a new baby - but see if you can find a way.

I don't think you should sit back and do nothing... but I'm not sure about pulling your child out either. You're child may be old enough to learn the important life lessons: You won't always get along with everyone, people are mean, and you sometimes got to do things you don't want to do. Too many kids think they can leave situations that are unpleasant -- but as a grown-up, thats not always possible - bosses can be jerks, but we still need our jobs (in other words, think of what you'll teach your child....you may feel your child needs the lesson of "I'll protect you from bad people" still -- Only you know your child maturity level at this stage and what lesson is better).

Of course, if you, as a mom, can make things easier, please do! If you can't observe and be there, insist the principal does (as another mom suggested). Some kids would be embarrased by a mom hanging around. A lot depends on your child :-)

Listen to your child and your heart.

I don't think it is too late. I think that if you tried to fix the situation and nothing is being done you should change immediately. Your son should not be miserable in school. Some teachers are just bad eggs, and no matter how much you talk to them they don't care enough to fix the problem. I don't think you are being drastic at all. You tried to fix the problem. When nothing is being done to fix it on the teachers end it is your turn to do what you can to fix it.

My son was attending a preschool for almost eight months and we were not happy. I know preschool is a lot different than elementary, but I had wish I had acted sooner to prevent my son from being miserable. He was being excluded by all the kids. I said something to the teacher and nothing was done. I was afraid I was being too drastic too, and I was afraid I would be teaching my son to run away from a problem. Now that he has been in a different school for only 3 months he loves it. He wants to go. I tried to fix the problem and nothing was done, so I had to do something. I wish I had done it sooner. I hope this helps you and good luck.

J.

It is never too late, but as you are a stay at home mom I would make a surprise visit to school. She may change her ways if she thinks you are coming regularly. This may get your son through the year. Good Luck your son doesn't deserve to be treated poorly.

Get someone in that classroom to observe NOW. The school should have guidance counselors, or hire an outside person. You need independent verification that is not from other students. If you are not getting the support from the principal, go over her/his head to the superintendant. Moving him out of the class has all kinds of other repercussions - I'm not saying don't do it, but get him the help and support he needs. The school system is obligated by law to respond.

We had an issue with a coach, and we have been through every level. Don't quit - the problem will just get dumped on someone else - and your child is old enough to begin to learn about advocacy. You don'ty want him to think he can "run away" or transfer away from every problem - you go through channels to make things better. If that doesn't work, you may have to make a major change. It's a last resort and I'm not saying it's a bad choice.

Depending on what the actual issue is with the teacher, there may be different experts you need to rely on. I'm not sure from your letter what the teacher is doing besides yelling. Has the teacher given you any specifics, for example, about what she objects to in your child? Those are things which should be documented and given to a third party.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Hi there,
Well, as a fourth grade teacher myself, I have to say that you should go back to the principal if the teacher is not living up to the agreed upon changes from the previous meeting. I wish I knew more specifically what your son is feeling anxious about. If it is verbal abuse, then the principal needs to spend more time investigating the issue. He/she needs to pop in unexpectedly and frequently to observe the classroom dynamic. Perhaps she needs to interview some of the students individually and ask them about their 4th grade experience.

So many people get up in arms about schools. The fact is, schools exist FOR children. We are not just teachers, we are councelors, nurses, part time mothers, disciplinarians, and police (unfortunately). Every year teachers are faced with more responsibilities... unfortunately, these responsibilities can overburden some teachers and they can loose track of their primary purpose- to develop the academic, social, AND emotional lives of their students. Sometimes teachers and principals need to be reminded of this.

You should do whatever you need to do to help your son. But, it'll be a lot easier for the rest of his educational career (in that school at least) if you can find a way to work with the teachers and administrators. And let's just hope that next year is better for him!!

You're son is telling you he wants to be moved so go with this and speak to the principle w/o the teacher. Say the two weeks have passed and nothing has changed and you want him moved into the other 4th grade class. If he is asking to be moved, I wouldn't even wait until the break. I experienced something quite similar with my daughter and it was 6th grade. Do NOT let them talk you into changing your mind as they will tell you it will be too disruptive to him, the class, etc. They just DO NOT want to do the work it entails on their end. Remember, YOU pay THEIR salaries and you want what is BEST for YOUR SON. Once my daughter was moved, the year went by smoothly. She is in 7th grade and we haven't had another issue. Good luck.

Oh My Goodness! You have the same story as my story. My daughter is in 4th grade, problems with the teacher since the begining, we met and the teacehr agreed to have lunch (this was suggested by the principle) with her in order to work on the relationship, she did but I found out there were 5 other kids in the room and the only thing my daughter came home with was knowing that the teachers cat died. My daughter has always received good grades, never been to the office. She cont's to report abt her yelling, slamming her hand on her desk and getting close in her face in order to scold her and everything with this teacher is a BIG DEAL. Yesterday my daughter reports the sch counselor (yes I have my dauhter meeting with the sch counselor for support) gave her two cookies however once she returned to the class (with a half a cookie left to eat) the teacher told my daughter to go to the office in order to finish eatting the rest of the cookie! This teacher even sent my daughter to the office because another kid makes comments to her abt his private parts..go figure. So what I have done are some of the things that other people have recommended that you do. I wrote a letter and cc the sch advocate, sch family advocate, council memmbeers, sch challencer and other sch memebers. I need for the situation to be taken seriously, however I feel how you feel...just hoping I am doing the right thing. I know I have to advocate for her, and thats a must! But it feels horrible and Im so bothered everyday with what story will she bring home. I have explained to my daughter that I am aware of the teachers behavior and that she has a voice and not to be afraid to say Please do not put your hand in my face or hell in my face because it scares me or that is rude. I want my daughter to stand up for her self but this situation is fragile and I dont my baby girl to become a rude child either. I understand you situation so much.Be strong and hang on because of children are becoming stronger from this situation. Just dont forget to tell your son how strong, smart, brave, powerful he is and that this is not exceptible or normal behavior.

Sometimes teachers personalitys and students personalitys do not mix. I have been there. It is just to bad this could not have been fixed sooner. I feel your frustrations but he may have a hard time switching so late. He may think that it is best for him but once he is in there he may have trouble adjusting.
Good luck

They probably aren't going to put him in a new classroom for you. Honestly, I would pull him out of school and home school him at least for the remainder of the year.

Hi L. ...
My advice is to follow your heart and do what's right for you son. He has told you he's unhappy ... you have "evidence" from other students that he's unfairly targeted ... you've tried to approach the teacher and offer the opportunity for change that hasn't occurred. You've said it all right there.
Before you make the change though, I would see if you can request a specific teacher. Does your son have friends in another classroom where he'd be able to have a "study buddy" to pick up the routine from? Does he have another teacher, in particular, that he would prefer?
I would caution him that you can't make any promises either. The school may say it's too late in the school year, but I would jump up and down to make sure it happens.
I have had this experience in the past, but my son chose to "stick it out" as he put it, because it was so late in the school year. He survived the year and has a bad memory of that teacher, for always. But, the point is, he DID survive .. he's still a great student ... he knows it wasn't his fault and that the teacher was just a bad teacher.
Either way you go, I commend you for advocating for your son ... it's not always a pretty thing to do ... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
Take care,
B.

I hate to play the devil's advocate, but are you sure it's the teacher he is having a problem with? It may be bullies in class, a girl he likes, or something else that he is not comfortable expressing. He may realize that it would be the teacher that you would most respond to, and use her as the culprit.

Hi,
Don't switch teachers- I am a principal in a public school and the mother of 2 little boys. As a mom, it is the worst feeling in the world to think that your child is facing any sort of dismay in school. If truth be told, I was not wild about my son's teacher last year- thought she was kind of cold, but my son needs to learn to get along with all sorts of people and personalities if he is going to be successful in this life. The thing is, you want to teach your child to hang in there- he may not like his teacher, but it EXTREMELY rare that a grade school teacher dislikes her students. Try to take a step back and think about it- have you fed into your child's dislike of school? Have you spoken negatively about her in front of him? Excused a poor grade or dismissed a lost recess because "she doesn't like you?"
Praise your child for sticking it out- that is a valuable life lesson in and of itself. He'll be a stronger, more adaptable person for it. Good luck- summer is around the corner! :-)

I am in a similar situation with my son. But feel that since the school year is almost over that it would be a mistake to change his teacher now. I also think it is important that your son knows that you understand his feelings about the teacher but to not cut the teacher down or say negative things about the teacher in front of him. I'm not really clear what your son is so miserable about?? Does he not get along with the teacher? Does he not understand her teaching style? Does she treat him differently then the other children? Once I am clear on his situatiion I could give you more insight.

L.,

Please read before deciding. You definitely need to confirm the accusations made by your son and others. If it is all true, you need to report this to the superintendent immediately. The teacher's position is to teach your child in the best manner possible (to sum it up). You can refer to your child's school handbook (usually you have to sign a page at the beginning of the year and hand it back proving you both read and understand it). Well, in there should state the responsibilities of a teacher. If she is not meeting the requirements or acting out inappropriately towards your child (singling him out or yelling at him and such) she is not performing her job efficiently and there are consiquences. You may even want to take it as far as your local School Committee. My opinion, kids these days have a great deal of information to learn and it is very important that they have the right teacher helping them. Children can fall behind very easily and that can make it worse as they get older. I sounds like your son is not at that stage where it is effecting his work, but it is effecting him emotionally and should not be ignored. If you feel comfortable, ask to arrange a meeting ASAP with the superintendent, principal and teacher to go over the situation. The other question to ask is this happening to other children? If you don't feel to comfortable going to the higher ups, then talk to the principal privately and request a change with the teachers. You may want to do some research still on what is expected of the teacher and point out what she/he is not doing. This should make her understand more of what you expect of your child and why you are so concerned. Take notes of what you want to discuss, and GOOD LUCK! It's not easy when your child has to go to school and you have to rely on other people to do the right thing. Just whatever you do, don't the the principal talk you down and make you confused. They like to do that sometimes. (I am only giving you this peice of advice as I am a very involved parent in my community and know how to get what is right for my child.) Take or leave-it's up to you. I just hope this makes you think and decide on what to do.

I have read all the other responses and i really like the comment about you becoming a momma bear. I have to ask you though, did the teacher during your major meeting indicate to you that she was being h*** o* him????? I personally would not take him out of the class, but let him finish the year out. I WOULD BECOME THE MOMMA BEAR, AND CALL THE PRINCIPAL AGAIN AND THE SCHOOL SOCIAL WORKER THAT WORKS AT THE SCHOOL.You really need to figure out what else is going on here. Is your new home life affecting this child??? Its really late in the year to change teachers and you could be sending your child the wrong message, i like to look at all the angles here and have been in many school situations and i could really be off base here
but good luck to you

This is a rough situation that you and your son are facing. I can only speak from the perspective as a mother of two boys and ongoing work in pastoral counseling. Our children's fundamental "happiness", security and developing attitudes towards school and learning overall lie at the core of every parents nuclear angst. Looking at the situation regarding changing of your son's school situation requires first a step back for perspective. Is there ever a "right" time to change a child's school routine and or venue? In my experience, no. If the child is doing even relatively well then taking a significant proactive step and seeking a more robust educational environment and or one that provides a "better" fit for our child is usually not acted upon and in result is managed from the parental perspective; adding or rounding educational experiences, managing social exposures etc.

Essentially, when it comes to the point that we as parents can no longer tolerate a class setting we are more than aware of the serious implications of any decision. Over two decades parents have been told that our expectations of the school environment are too high. (?) Each child can not nor expect to receive a tailor made educational experience. This is realistic as far as our parental preferences in seeking an optimal scholastic environment for our children. At the same time the line of striving for the optimal setting for our children and expecting a healthy, cooperative, mutually respectful relationship between parents, children and the school have significantly blurred. We witness utter rigidity from teachers and administration concerning issues of ultimate importance such as our children's fundamental learning and lasting impressions of school, self, capabilities etc..

It does not sound as if you were incorporated into finding a solution or path that is satisfactory for the school, parents and of greatest importance your son.

Our concern over disruption of scheduling and change can compound an already negative situation. Children are incredibly flexible if they understand why a change is being made. We all thrive in a dynamic of some organization and expectations. This being said, leaving your son in a recognized damaged setting not only exacerbates the issues he is facing on a daily basis as well as allowing for potentially lasting negative impact on his sense of self, learning and capabilities. Waiting for the right time is no longer an option. I would explain to my son why we were changing school's, why change, although difficult at times, is an essential life lesson and that you only have his well being at the forefront of change or decisions. I believe that there is potentially significant harm in having our children not see our actions modeling that of what we profess; that we are there to love, honor and protect them above all.

K. c mother of two sons: ages 12 and 20