Toddler Bed-time Routines? Help!

My two kids are just 17 months apart and we never experienced this when my daughter was born, so I wouldn't blame it on the closeness of age of your daughter to her younger sister. I think it's just something toddlers do, and if they can get you to respond by changing your routine with them, they'll just keep it up to see how far it can go.

I think the most important thing for bedtime with toddlers (and babies for that matter) is consistency and firmness. We keep bedtime fun and enjoyable too, but we stick to the EXACT same routine every night, and don't alter it because of crying or protests. Because of our firmness, any protests don't last long, and are not extreme. I also think it's important at this age that your daughter be falling asleep on her own, not with you rocking her. Our routine is to put on pjs, brush teeth, read a few stories, bedtime hugs and kisses, then tuck into bed. We pray with each child once they are in bed, for my son I talk a little bit about his day and what things he's thankful for (he's 3.5) and we pray together, and with my daughter (2) my husband or I (whoever is putting her down, that varies each night so they don't expect that it is always me) pray and then sing her a few songs. Then we go out, shut the door, and that's that. My son will usually get up for a potty visit or two, we make very little issue of it, just say, "Ok, tuck yourself in again when you're done" so that it is as unexciting as possible. If my daughter calls out to us or cries, we sometimes just let her settle herself back down (she's still in a crib) or if we do go in to her, we are firm and unemotional, don't pick her up, and just say "it's sleep time now" and lay her back down with her special blanket and go out. She sometimes undresses herself, so if that's the case I'll put her pjs back on her quickly and without making a big deal about it, and then lay her back down.

I think if you and your husband just stick with the same thing each night and don't give in to any protests, she'll settle back into her routine quickly. As much as you love her and want to make bedtime pleasant, the most unpleasant situations usually result when the kids call the shots, not the parents. As a loving parent who knows best for your daughter you have to be firm in the face of her cries, sleep is what she needs most at nap and bedtime, and she'll accept and enjoy it if you don't make any exceptions.

Good luck, sleep problems can be such a bear to resolve! I have used and highly recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child.

I am guessing that she was moved from her crib to a toddler bed from what you said. Is that correct? She may be going through some anxiety over that. I have a 5 month old and a 27 month old and my toddler is still in his crib. I have read and been told by other moms that you should keep them in their crib as long as possible, at least until they try to climb out. Also that if you do move them into their own bed, that you should wait until your baby is 6 months old. It is easier on them. I am just thinking of moving our son to a big boy bed only because he seems to want to sleep in the big bed more often in the middle of the night.

If it's not the bed problem, it could be what one of the other moms mentioned aboit not rocking her to sleep until she falls asleep. My son has been having fits for about a month in the middle of the night when he used to sleep all night. My husband just told me he started rocking him to sleep and then laying him down when before we put him down when he was tired but not sleeping. This all started when he got really sick from allergies a month ago and we haven't gone back to the "routine." He also will only let my hsuband put him to bed. It has to be that routine is so important to him especially now that there is a baby in the house who is taking away some of mom and dad's attention.

You might be surprised how much a child can understand at even 18 months if it's framed in a way they relate to it. You might try telling your daughter stories and putting on little puppet shows using her dolls and toys, about the pleasures of going to bed, snuggling into her own cozy little space, how special she is to her mommy and daddy, how happy and rested she'll feel in the morning, etc. – well before bedtime. Then recap some of these points shortly before taking her to her room.

My 2 1/2 year old grandson doesn't have siblings to feel anxious about, but has been a sometimes-challenging sleeper. These techniques have been helpful for me when I'm the one who will put him to bed. In fact, he wiggles with anticipatory joy when I whisper little stories to him in the evening about how special bedtime will be. (This story technique has also helped for mealtime and car travel issues, and he will sometimes repeat the story or game with his toys, getting them to cooperate.)

I agree with you that bedtime is best kept pleasant. And kids do go through stages where our best intentions seem to go wrong. It's generally a temporary situation. I wish you and your little girls much happiness.

Hi B.,

While this is very difficult, especially when you are probably extra tired from adding a new person to your family (the effort in child care is exponential, isn't it?), it is also very normal that an older sibling would have problems with some part of her earlier routine when a new baby comes.

If you consider that going to sleep represents a separation, not only from you and your husband, but also from whatever else may be going on--including with her new sister--and that your oldest daughter is also at a time in her life when children developmentally are discovering that they CAN not only exercise separation and autonomy, but that this includes the possibility of not finding their way back (the root cause of "terrible two" behavior that people find difficult), then you can easily find the solution...

Your dear little one is needing reassurance of the most basic and fundamental kind--that she is warmly snuggled in her parents' arms just as her baby sister is when she needs something.

You do not mention where the baby is sleeping, but I would strongly recommend considering the "family bed" for awhile while your little family is in this giant transition. Everyone will sleep better, everyone will feel warmly connected, and it is the most precious and loving time for the two sisters and you to bond with each other as a strong family for life. Read "The Continuum Concept" for information about how well this works in other societies.

Blessings,
Fiora

B.,

It sounds like your 21 month old is jealous of the new baby. Throwing tantrums at sleep times is her way of acting out in protest. She sees you spending more time with baby than her. I'm seeing this this as common when the age difference is around two years or less.

While baby is sleeping try spending special time with your older daughter. Or while you are nursing (I assume) have Daddy spend special time with her. She really needs to feel like she's still special and that the baby hasn't taken Mom and Dad away. Once she feels secure in the family again the sleep issues should resolve themselves.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

We've been going through the same thing with our son who is 27 months old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. He thought his big boy bed was cool until he really had to sleep in it and couldn't have the crib anymore. It now takes over an hour to get him down at night. For now, we've taken away nap time so that when bed time comes he is actually sleepy, but it still can take a while to get him down. I think we have to be consistent though and just wait it out...my mom keeps telling me that eventually he will learn to sleep on his own again in his own bed! Hang in there and good luck!

My son was 20 months when our second son was born on June 6. He went through the same kind of issue with nap and bedtimes. Bedtime is finally now daddy-time. Naptime is still a nightmare sometimes. It is getting better. I'd say just be consistent with the timing of everything. The tears, for mine, I think, are a control issue. Although- it's hard for me not to give in. I have the same theory that you do with sleep time needing to be a safe and cozy feeling. I really do think that in the last 2 weeks, it has gotten a lot better. Give your daughter lots of hugs and loves during the day and evening and include her in as much baby-care as possible. It really helps my son all the way around to have a lot of interaction with baby brother. Good luck, many blessings and I love Jesus too!

HI B.,

I am sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble getting your toddler to sleep now that there is a new baby. I haven't been in your shoes yet, but have a nineteenth month old and a baby on the way so I will be shortley.

When your daughter starts to act up do you give in and let her out of bed or pick her up or anything in that nature. The reason I asked is because my son is in his toddler bed and he tried at first to say he's hungry, he wanted toons, he wanted his books he tried everything to get out of bed. So before we go to bed I give him a snack we read books and I put him in his bed tell him it's bed time and no matter what he tries I tell him he can not get out of bed. He can have all the hugs he wants and all the kisses but he can not get out of bed and I sit with him until he falls asleep. Maybe, you could see exactly what it is that your daughter is fighting so hard to get at bed time and give it to her before bed. Could be she just needs those extra hugs like my son does. Good luck
N.

My kids are 20 months apart, and when my new baby was 4 months old suddenly my daughter started having trouble with going to bed too. She HAD been doing a great job, we had a routine almost exactly like yours, and then suddenly she'd just scream and cry, we'd go in and calm her down but as soon as we left she'd scream again. We ended up just getting a brighter night light (a little lamp really) so that we KNEW she wasn't frightened, and we'd check every few minutes and calm her down, but we DID NOT get her out of her bed. The first few nights were awful, but eventually she got back into the habit of going down easily with the normal bed time routine. However every time we let her stay up late (like if grandparents are visiting) then suddenly we have a flare up of her not wanting to go to bed. I think partly it's the age, and wanting to test boundaries. And probably she feels scared sometimes too. (this is the age when it seems like they start having nightmares) Good luck!

sleep with her! then she will feel included and safe and secure. simple, and it works beautifully!

My daughter protested so much as a toddler, I was completely exhausted from fighting her and convincing her what was good for her or what she needed to do. So I put up a cute, kid friendly picture schedule and the behavior difference was amazing. She was ten times more cooperative with routines and other things I needed her to do. The website is www.schkidules.com. It brought me the sanity I was looking for.
Good luck!