Looking for Advice Married Way Too Young!

Dear J.,

It would be better for you to think about what to do if you two separate for a while. It would give you both the break that you need. ....and you (and he) did make your bed but you don't have to be punished for it the rest of your lives. Try to think that both of you are miserable and work it out for the best for both of you, infact the three of you.

Also, it is not unusual for a 19 year old father to not really know what to do with a baby, now think about it and apologize, and get on with your lives. Men are not women, Dads are not Moms especially when they are very young.

Go to see your minister, or a dear friend that is a bit older than you are. Pick someone who doesn't gossip. Every mother needs a mother, and she doesn't have to be your Mother, but can be a friend, but it would be very nice if she were older than you are and if she has been through 'stuff', then she will be wiser. O.K.?

Be sure to apologize and stop blaming, you both are at fault, and that is not against the law, you know. Do stop yelling and slamming, not good for the baby. She is having a bad enough time with untamed parents.

Sorry if I have hurt your feelings, but this is a serious matter, and I just told you what I think, it is not necessarily 'gospel', but it does come from experience. I am almost 76 years old.

C. N. Good luck and get on with some fun times in your lives. Baby needs fun times too.

I understand where you are. I've been there!

My husband and I married after our daughter was born. However we were only dating for 5 months when she was conceived. So we didn't have a whole lot of time to really get to know each other.

I was only 19 at that time. I had my daughter when I was 20. She is now a beautiful 6 year old.

My husband and I spent 3-4 years in a horrible relationship. (Doors slamming, fighting non stop, screaming, cursing, etc. )Finally however after separating, he agreed to go to counseling. We at the time didnt have a lot of money. So we chose a low cost pyschotherapy clinic (LOMI was the name) in Santa Rosa. My husband and I are now married for 6 years. The last 2 years have been the best of our marriage.

If you want to work out your problems with your husband you both should seek counseling. Unfortunately he's the baby's daddy. SO he will always be a part of your life even if you left...

As far as the feeding goes. Us mom's take the motherhood role a LOT faster than most of the Daddy's do. MY husband didn't do anything for our baby either. Later in counselling he admitted it was because he was scared and really didn't know what to do!

Jen,
I'm actually going through a similar situation. I got married when I was 20, my daughter was born 4 months after our one year anniversary. A few years back, my husband and I decided it would be best if we split up, but I found out I was pregnant with my son, and I felt trapped. I needed the insurance for the pregnancy, and so forth. My son will be 2 in a little over a month, and I left my husband. My dad tells me all the time how he's disappointed because I'm a quitter, and he's going to need some time to get over this. I haven't told my dad the reasons for this move I have made, because I don't feel it's up to him to tell me what will make me happy, and what I want out of life. I'm now doing what I want to do. I used to travel all the time before I met my husband, and for the last 9 years, I haven't done a whole lot. I worked for the first 3 years we were together, and we also opened a restaurant for a couple years. I'm now doing what I want to do, I'm a freelance photographer, and I'm going to London and Paris in September, and I'm going to New Zealand in November. I feel happy and free, and my children are less stressed. I wish you the best of luck. I have found a wonderful man that adores my children. I just hope that you make a decision based on what is best for you and your baby, and not what everyone else tells you to do. I've heard many people say that it's horrible for a child to come from a broken family, but I must disagree, if it's a situation where the child will have emotional difficulties. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby, and not what anyone else tells you is best.

im going through a divorce right now and i am 24 with two little ones...i have the kids and live at home with my dad now...my husband left to live the single life...what i say to your whole situation is if you arent happy then take the risk...it will be hard...but if you guys dont feel the love...either go to counciling or let it be resolved...i was never one for counciling, but if you think that can work for you...do it...if you truly are unhappy then you have to think that your child will see it to...dont let things get messy...fighting can be h*** o* kids...i come from a broken home myself and know it is better for the parents to be happy than for a child to see the arguing...tough decision...but its your life...thats all there is to it

J.,
Yes, marriage is a lot of work in itself, young or not. I have seen seniors get married and struggle with getting along. To take the whole thing into perspective, consider that you are taking two people who were raised by two different families with different rule, customs, and backgrounds and trying to combine them. It's hard for anyone to do.

If you are able to stick this out, you will find that you will go through these phases of unhappiness. I don't know anyone who is 100% happy with everything in their marriage. I have been married for 10 years and still go into some of the phases you mention. But, you stick it out and you go through a fun phase again. I think it is just the roller coasters of life.

Men can be selfish, immature, or lazy, just as woman can be also. Maybe it was plain selfishness why he didn't give the baby cereal. My husband used to have a lot less interest in the baby when she was brand new, and now that he is her world, he thinks she is so cool...I think that is selfish!, but, as along as we don't go backward, I let it go.

As for getting married because who would want someone with a daughter so young, perhaps that was a bit selfish on your part. You should marry someone because you love them. How would you feel if that was why he married you? There are plenty of men out there who would not feel intimidated by a child, but be sure that is what you want.

Your love for your husband does not have the energy it once did. There are other factors in your lives now, which take away from your love. If you are entirely unhappy and finished, you should do what you need to do and move on, not to worry about what your family thinks. You are the one that has to live that life, not them, but be sure that is what you want because some things are irreversable.

Personally, if nothing was done to ruin your relationship, you are just overwhelmed, I think you should go do something fun together. Do something that will make you two get physically close. Take up dance lessons together, get a gym membership and spot eachother, get an outdoor portrait session like the photos are your engagement photos...who knows, there may be some spark still there.

Best of luck to you and your family.
C.

Oh my goodness J.! You have so much to look forward to. Don't let your immature husband get you down. Leave him if you are unhappy. An unhappy marriage is worse for a child than a single mom!!!! But if you truly love him and want to make it work, seek counseling - maybe he can grow up a bit with some professional advice. But make sure you stay for the right reasons - not just because your family and friends tell you to.
There are so many opportunities out there for a young woman, you can certainly make it on your own if things don't work out. I work from home now and stay with my 15 month old daughter. If you need something to do on your own, from your computer, with minimal start-up cost ($14.50), please contact me ASAP. I can help you start your own business, and you can start to live your life for you and your daughter. Life is short - do what you can so that you and your daughter are safe, happy and secure. http://kellyis.stayinhomeandlovinit.com

Welcome to the world of marriage, its not always easy. It will never be totally easy, i didnt get married as young as you did, but i married my husband a few months after meeting him and had a baby 1 year later. Believe me there have been many and i mean many times we have both wanted to walk out. I even lived in a different state then he did, raising 3 kids on my own for 3 years, he would travel back and forth. I had all the financial support i needed. I didnt have to work, i had my children in the best schools and so forth. But they were being raised without a father. Believe me we had our differences, we still do, but now we are all together as a family, and i look at my childrens faces everyday and ask them if their happy and they say yes of course, we are with our father. Your problems seem so small, it seems that your looking for a way out, you think your missing out on things that other girls your age are doing. You have a child now and that child is the most important thing, i know others have told you to walk out and find your happiness, i agree, you need to be happy, but im sure you can find a way to make things work with this man. He doesnt sound lazy to me, at least hes working. So he didnt give your child rice cereal. I know people who have done worse. Dont sweat the small stuff. If you loved him once, im sure its still there. You are overwhelmed right now too, having a new baby is not easy, but i truly believe a child deserves to have both parents around. Dont take this away from her. For her sake, try, try and keep trying.
Good Luck,
A.!

You asked for different opinions, so here goes: Yes, your happiness matters, but are you really truely doing everything you can to make this relationship work? Are you attacking him when you tell him you aren't happy? Are you picking good times to talk about it in a non threatening, non blaming kind of way? (Men really need to communicate different than women, and we have to learn to do that effeciently.) I would recomend that you find a church in your area, whether or not you attend usually doesn't matter, and ask to get a few sessions of couseling from the pastor. They can help tremendously in fixing lines of communication.
Frankly, I married when I was 20 and have been married for three years now and it hasn't been easy. It isn't supposed to be. Age is but a small factor. Somehow, the people we live with show us and get from us the least respect, tho they are the ones who deserve the most. Think of your baby, do you really want to put her in daycare? If you split up, what is going to happen to her? As far as him not feeding her foods or not parenting her the way you want him to...how do you think it makes him feel when you say he isn't doing good enough? If he can't seem to take care of her "right" he doesn't feel like a good dad, or husband. YOur way can't always be the best way. Pick your battles, as a woman you have a lot of power to control his emmotions and his attitude towards you and his family. Try many different things to make it work. I reccomend listening to Dr. Laura in your area, reading books such as men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti or proper care and feeding of husbands. Learning to grow with your hubby is your best bet to a happier future for you and your baby. He will see the improvement in you and start treating you better. I guarentee this.

J.,
I would really encourage you to see a counselor or if you go to church seek out a couple who is Godly who can help you. My parents got pregnant and had me and got married when they where 19 and 20. They have been through plenty or ups and downs, and by the grace of God, they are coming up on their 26 anniveresary.

If you live close to Escondido, CA I could recommend some good counselors. Let me know.

Sincerely,
B.

J.,
I don't mean to sound harsh, and I do understand that you are very young to be married with a baby, but once that baby was born HER happiness and needs became the most important things for you to worry about, not yours. It sounds like your husband is very imature which certainly doesn't help the situation. The best thing you could do for your daughter would be to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you can do to make your marriage work so she has an intact home and two involved parents. Perhaps you could go to a counselor and try to work out some of your differences.
Also, love does grow and change over time. The "head over heels" honeymoon phase of love does tend to burn off, especially after you have a baby. That's not to say that it doesn't make appearances every now and again, but after you have been married a while and are parents you tend to have a different kind of love that doesn't feel like the early buterflies and fireworks stuff.
Obviously if you all can't work things out and at least be civil to each other (and if things were to become physical), you would be better off getting yourself and your daughter out of the house, but you should make every effort to put your little girl first.
Good luck! And again, I'm not trying to sound harsh, I just want you to think about what would be best for your daughter.

There is always hope. It seems as though he's acting out for some reason. A friend of mine was home with the babies while she worked. He was lazy or something or just didn't know how to take care of his own kids even though he loved them and his wife. He only fed them bottles too. They were eventually taken by cps. They were malnutritioned because they didn't get proper food. This couple stayed together. They were court ordered to take parenting classes and sentenced to community service. At one hearing, the judge told her that if she left her husband, she could have her kids that day. But she didn't give up on her marriage. They got their kids back eventually and had two more, and are doing much better. They were really young too.

Take some parenting classes (even though you don't need them, they might be helpful), or join a support group. Invite him to these classes with you. If he doesn't, go yourself. Let him know that you appreciate when he stayed home so you could work, but ask him to leave it in the past, and to move forward together.

Men don't respond the same way we do. They need different things from us, then we need from them. Respect equals love to them. His behavior doesn't deserve respect. But his actions spell out that's what he needs from you. Catch him being "good" and tell him things like "I appreciate that you're working to provide for us" "Thank you for providing". Men have a natural instict to provide. It's how they measure their worth. Give him compliments, say please and thank you. Give him requests once with being as clear and simple as possible, anymore will seem like nagging to him.

Marriage is a lot of hard work. All you can do is keep being as pleasant as possible without being a door mat, and if he can't handle it, he'll leave. If he doesn't, you'll have to prepare yourself to seperate yourself from him. Once your prepared you can be confident that you'll follow through if he doesn't shape up. He might wise up and want to work on the relationship. Just give it plenty of time before divorce.

I hope this helps. I know it's easier said than done. I've been through dealing with an immature husband myself, and were 35! I hope things work out. I'll be praying for you J..

Your daughter is what matters the MOST. If being in a situation that is making you very unhappy and it cant be worked out then you need to leave. Staying with your husband for the sake of your daughter is the worst thing you can do, all it will do is teach her thats it's ok to stay in an unhappy situation and that is not fair to her, also as well is this fact, that every bit of stress you feel your daughter CAN and IS sensing, and if you are nursing her she can also feel it in that sense. Your daughter can feel the tension in the house between the two of you and it is not good for her to be raised in that kind of enviroment. As for your parents and the whole you made your bed, well dont listen to it let it go in one ear and out the other.You and only you know what is best for your daughter, not your parents or your neighbor or your friends, you alone, if you feel that it is not going to work file for legal seperation and see if it can work and maybe you guys get counseling. As for your husband not giving her, her baby food, i solely believe that he is being flat out lazy and doesnt want to take the time to feed her the proper way that she should be feed. Your in my prayers and remember You know whats best for the 2 of you, noone else.

Im 22 and have been married for 4 1/2 years, we got married 2 weeks after my 18th bday- we went to vegas and I didnt tell my parents till about 3 or 4 months later (he was 20) about 10mos after getting married we got pregnant, so right now we have a 3yr old girl and a 5 month old boy. Trust me there are many times when I have thought I got married way too young. We lived with my inlaws til my daughter was 1, then we finally found our own place, I didnt work I stayed home with her and still do stay home while he works. It is a lot of work and really hard to be married and take care of kids, especially being so young. I think that if you really arent happy you should not stay with him, try and stick it out a little while longer, the first year and half to 2 years were really hard, but after that for me and my hubby it got easier, we still do have our fights, but not as ofter we argue a lot but it more so playing around arguing about little stuff. But if your daughter isnt getting what she needs with your hubby at home, can you afford a baby sitter or child care? Or is he willing to work more so that you can stay home with her? Your daughter does need to come first, but then again your happiness needs to come first too because she will be able to tell and feel it too if your not happy. There are a lot of young single moms that can do it on their own, it is a strugle but they do it. and you shouldnt be worried about another guy not loving you because you have a daughter, there are many real men out there that would love to be with you, and if they really like/love you they wont mind that you have a daughter. My mom also tells me that I should have never married my husband but that it is too late now, I am stuck with him since I cant get a divorce. I just tell her my happiness comes first, if Im not happy with him, Im not going to stay with him, Why stay if you are that unhappy. If you ever want to talk email me. It will all work out some way or the other.

Happiness is a state of mind that you create. It does not sound to me like there is anything in this relationship that isn't fixable. Of course your love has turned into another type of love - that is what happens when you create a life together.

You need to stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on the postive.

I was married at 18 had my first child at 19 - I wish I had known what I did now - it has not been fair to my daughter - raising her the last 17 years by myself....

i also feel like i got married too young, because i felt insecure and not ready to be on my own. i got married at 21 and had a baby a year and a half later. alot of the time i am not happy in my marriage, but right now i'm trying to work it out. i think that our country and our culture makes divorce too easy, and i think that our culture is too centered on making yourself happy and doing what you want to do, so i'm trying to listen to what my husband says about me that he would like to change and that i would like to change in myself, and realize that focusing on what i don't like about him or think needs to change in him is never going to work and really just a cop out. if it's an issue of feeding your child what he or she needs at a certain age, get a doctor's advice, so it is not an issue of you pointing out his flaws in parenting. another thing, is you say he makes you feel guilty. but he can't make you feel anything. you control your feelings. He also shouldn't focus on the past, if he is working now then its wrong of him to hold a grudge against you for staying home in the past if he's not staying home now that should be dropped. but you have to say taht in a way that is not an attack or trying to win but trying to make peace and trying to create a positive enviornment. if you don't want any yelling screaming or door slamming then find time to talk about your concerns when you're not fighting, when things are calm. maybe have someone watch your child during the time. love grows and changes as we grow and change (hopefully). hope this advice helps. Amal

hi J., have you tried counseling or talking to your church leaders? if you were my daughter, i'd say... you both need to talk and make sure you are on the same page about what to do with your marriage. do you both want to work things out and stay married? when my hubbie and i got married, on our wedding night before we fell asleep... he said to me, "promise me that no matter what... we will do whatever it takes to save our marriage when we hit the rocky spots." it seemed wierd to me that he said this then because i was soooo happy. but, as the rocky spots have come... i am so glad he said that. a few years ago we almost called it quits, but we hadn't exhuasted all avenues to save our marriage. we sought the help of counselors, and that helped some. but what really helped was talking to each other and the help of our church leaders. things are 100% right now, but we keep working on it. we both came from broken homes and we don't want that for our children. i am not saying suck it up and deal, but i am saying really you both need to try before giving in. mostly, take care of your little one. good luck.

Look im 16 and Im engaged and pregnant. If your husband isn't helping you then you should find a marriage consuler and talk to her and your husband. I hope everything for you goes well. Can you also maybe give me some advice?? I'm kinda scared too.... A. D

Hi J.,
Nobody said marriage is easy, especially when there is a child involved. Many men feel demasculated when their wives work and support the family while the husband takes care for the child(ren). I believe it is a societal thing. If this is how he feels then He needs to work to take care of the family. I think it is time that the two of you go to marriage counselling. If he doesn't want to go then you go to gain some perspective. You should try every option to keep your marriage together before you throw in the towel. Good Luck!

Hi J.

Marriage is challenging no matter how old someone is (not sure if that will make you feel better or not!). I didn't get married until 30 and my husband and I almost split our first year. Through committment to each other and a LOT of hard work on our own and in therapy, we made it and now have such a strong relationship. I tell you this because you have a couple of options. You and your husband can give your marriage a chance and really work on things. Get help. I recommend a counselor/therapist (there are agencies that work on a sliding scale if the cost is daunting - email me and I can try to help you find one if you want) - someone who is trained in ways to help you and your husband learn to communicate in a HEALTHY way with each other so each of you gets heard (ie. no yelling, slamming doors etc. It's hard but very possible). Learning how to "fight fair" is one of the most important tools a person can have and it will be a good skill whether you stay with your husband or not.

Being happy is such a strange thing. Our culture leads us to believe that once we get married, life is a fairytale and our partner should make us happy. It's up to US to make ourselves happy. If you focus on your own growth and happiness - and of course that of your daughter - it will become apparent whether or not your husband is going to keep up or get left behind. You can begin to do that while you're still in your marriage. If your husband doesn't want to go to counseling, go yourself. Keep figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. Becoming the best, healthiest person you can be will teach your daughter so many important lessons. Divorce is h*** o* children - and remember you will always have your husband in your life now that you have a child together - but so is growing up in an unhealthy household. That said, if your husband is physically abusive to your or your child, your first priority has to be your safety and the safety of your daughter. If not, you've got time to figure things out.

Start by working on yourself. Ask your husband to work on things with you. Make sure your daughter is safe. Get help from someone you trust or a professional. Having this happen when you're young just means you have that much more time to figure it out and spend the rest of your life healthy, and hopefully, happy. Good luck!

I got some advice from a friend when I was forst divorced from my husband. They told me not to make any major decisions for a year after a life changing even. (marriage, death of a family member, move, ect)

You are young and you need some guidance and support. If you have just moved on your own and you are young and you have a young baby, stress is at it's peak. give it some time and try to look at yourself and see what you can do to better the situation. I am in no way blaming you, but sometimes if out partner seems to be resentful or lazy when we make changes they follow and make changes themselves.

I know this is weird but I would wait to get counseling. When a couple starts counseling, very few make it through it. there is a lot of finger pointing and blame thrown about that an already weakened marriage can't handle. Take some time and focus on yourself and your daughter.

I also know that a lot of blame goes on hormones. Your hormones may be out of whack and you may need to talk to your doctor about depression. It is very common and can manifest itself in many many ways. the good news it that it is usually temporary and can be treated fairly easily.

As far as your husbadn not feeding your daughter food. talk with your doctor. She may seem small, but if she is growing according to the proper guidelines she is probably fine. Formula is supposed to give her all that she needs for the first year. I know it's hard letting him be but I would relax and let him father her, he will see soon enough and take care of her. A good idea to let you know if she's big enough is a baby should double their weight by 6 months and triple it by 1 year. If there are still concers take your hubby with you to the doctor and let the doctor tell him that he needs to feed her baby food. he is more apt to listen when he doesn't feel he's being attacked.

take your time and give it a year. Take the next year to go to school and get a career that can support you and your daughter if needed. If you still feel the same way after being on your own after a year then maybe try a separation. don't jump into it because it is something you can't take back. even if you get back together it will always be a hurtful part of your relationship that doesn't go away.

Good luck

Hi J.. I have to agree with all those who said you're, ultimately, the only one who can decide what's best for you and your daughter. There is no one size fits all solution. And seeking a loving home life IS putting your daughter first. And as for your extended family, I have to wonder whether they think you have a track record of being irresponsible...or whether they're just mad that you made choices they couldn't control. Their advice doesn't sound too constructive.

In any event, a couselor would be a good move. Consider that right now your husband is very young. He may not think so, but in some ways he is still a child himself. (I say this as a mature woman who's dated younger men!) When it comes to caring for a child and wife, he still has a lot of learning to do. Right now his selfish desires are being threatened by your demands, and he's probably trying to pretend its just one woman's screwed up opinion, and therefore valid to ignore.

So it would probably help him a lot to have an objective 3rd party, a counselor, to give you guys feedback. And no doubt, since you're human too, there may be some concessions that you need to make, and growing up that you also need to do. And if he sees you willing to do your part in this, by also working with the counselor, maybe it would help him stop being so defensive.

Most likely there's some reason, other than hormones, that you fell for this guy. But being overwhelmed with kids and the conflicts that come from being inexperienced parents and spouses can make us focus on the negative in each other -- and makes us each act more like our worst selves.

Maybe the counselor can help both of you get in touch with what you love about each other, and reignite your commitment to support and love one another.

...And if not, at least you will have more objective advice than what your family has to offer.

You really need to go somewhere to get some good advice, like counseling, this is a very big decision that will affect you and your daughter for the rest of your life. You need to see how much you are really willing to give. I would recommend going to a church and asking for some help!

your happiness does matter, don't listen to your family because they aren't the ones that have to live with him. It sounds like he is still a child taking things out on your child. Everything is harder with a child, especially relationships. You'll have to try sooo much harder to keep the relationship together. Talk to him about it without blaming. For example when you are talking instead of saying when you do this i feel like this, say when this happens i feel this way. The more you exclude the word YOU the better the conversation will go. That being said. You are really young, I was in a relationship this young also, we didn't have kids but i think in some ways you are still growing up and it is very possible, i think, that you will grow apart and become different people than the ones who fell in love in the first place. It sounds to me like you know what you want to do, trust your gut. You know whats best for you, and your child. If it is scary it is probably because you know it is the right thing to do. I left my relationship and it was very scary, BUT I'm soooooo happy i left. I hope everything works out for you.

Hey I'm 21 I have 2 girls 2, and 1 year old. I know excatly what you mean. I just want to say that you are not alone, and right now you have to be the bigger person and make the decision, what is best for your baby? Is not healthy for any adult or child to have to hear fights, it is even harder on children because they think is there fault. So think like I did Do you really love him? After everything you guys have gone thru if not then you have to leave not so much if you but for your girl, with what you say of him is not that he is lazy or bitter is that he is not mature enough not because he is 20 or 21 means that he will act his age not even knowing his responsabilities. So talk to he tell him that you are not happy and if you do love him that you want to work things out go to marriage counseling there are free programs. You have to make the decition and is not easy I know but it will be ok, you will not be the fist women to be alone with child and make it. Believe me.

Sounds like all the wrong reasons to get married. Don't think you have to stay if you are not happy. Truth be told it will most likely be easier on your child if the break up happens while she is still very young. If you have been to counceling and tried everything then your best option may indeed be to leave him. Make sure before you make that decision that you have exhausted all options. It all depends on what point you are at right now.

Don't worry sweetie.... I was in almost the same boat... I wasn't pregnant when we got married but we did marry very young. For the longest time, I didn't think that we would stay married. I almost left him a few times but there were little things that made me think that maybe things could work out. We have been married for almost five years now and things are getting better. But if you don't see things getting better, you need to get out. There are support groups and different programs to help single mothers. If you need one, I have a family member who is a divorce attourney. Let me know if that is what you decide to do. Just hang in there and things will work out. Do what you have to do to protect your child.... If the arguing is too much then maybe to start you might want to get seperated and see how that goes. Maybe being away from the two of you will change you husbands mind about how he feels about your situation. Let me know if you ever just need to talk.
Steph

I was married when I was 16. I made so many mistakes in my first marriage. Mistakes that could have been avoided had I had the right guidance. I suggest you read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and also The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. I am not saying the problems are all your fault but she has some great ideas to save a marriage.

My opinion is your happiness comes from taking care of your family. But make sure you make time for yourself too (gym, yoga, hair do, nails, etc...).

Now hopefuly you picked a man who wants to be man, husband and father. Then you guys can work this out together. Another suggestion read the books together.

Good Luck!

Hi J.,
there are alot of us out there.
I had my first baby at 18. I'm 45 now.
If you guy feels like being "the man" then let him find is own way ( just like he can parent the best he sees fit). If you need more money/ stablity/worthfullness, then YOU need to find your own way (THAT DOES NOT MEAN without him) Most colleges and training programs Offer FRee daycare programs, to those that need them. start anything, then continue when you can. It can take as long as years, but someday you will see that by being the BEST YOU , you bring the family up to, and they will be proud of you.