The Working Mother & Wife

If you're a new mom and you have a baby, life gets easier as the child gets older. I remember life being really hectic when my son was a baby but now that he's three things don't seem so bad. That may be because he's more independent, that I've gotten used to it, or that we've made adjustments along the way to reduce the stress, or a combination of all three.

In terms of adjustments, I have just made the conscious decision to focus more on my family than my career/job, and that has had a big impact on our homelife and my personal stress level. I have always really defined myself by my job, and pre-child worked extremely hard to be at the top of my game. I still want to work full-time and have that aspect of my identity, but right now I am not going above and beyond. It may mean that I sometimes disappoint people at work, but I'd rather disappoint them than my son any day.

J.,

Going back to work certainly is an adjustment. I stayed home with my girls for 8 years.

The first few years back at work were tiring, because I still tried to do everything myself that I did when I was at home. The first thing I did that helped was sitting down with the girls and explaining that mommy wasn't going to be able to do everything I have done in the past. I let them know I needed their help, and then asked them how they would like to help. They jumped right in and volunteered to take over many tasks, on top of their regular chores. They even came up with their own schedule regarding which nights each was responsible for tasks. They do things like unloading the dishwasher, setting the table, loading the dishwasher, and folding 1 load of laundry each night.

My husband and I sit down at the beginning of each month and map out what needs to be done, who needs to be taken where, and any evening meetings we may have. We even put down on the calendar who will cook dinner each night. Then, each week we also go over activities in case a few surprises have come up. My kids are limited to 1 extracurricular activity so they are not overwhelmed with practices and homework. We had the same rule when I was a SAHM as well. Their time to just relax is important to them.

I am very lucky to have a very supportive husband who helps out a lot. Of course the first year we all had to get out of the routine of mommy doing most everything. Now, it works very well with everyone helping out to ensure everything gets done.

Try to clean as you go --a little in the morning and a little in the evening. throw a load of wash in the washer in am.. put in dryer in evening etc. check out flylady.net --she has a whole system that really works

It is hard. I work 2 jobs and have a 10 month old. I try to get some work done when I'm at home and when its time for me to go to work my husband helps out with the rest. Sure we don't get everything done in one day but all we can do is get some stuff done. Sometimes we have to stay up a little later at night but in the end it works out. If your girls can help with chores that might help you out too. They can keep their rooms clean and help do dishes,vacuum, dust, all the little stuff. Hope this helps

Some of the things I have found that are to set aside a day for each room. For example, on Mondays we take a bath in the main bathroom, so I clean it while he is in the tub, Wednesday night we take a bath in my bathroom and I clean that, Tuesday he gets to watch a cartoon, while I clean that living room or attached bath with laundry (sometimes this turns into a couple cartoon episodes). Maybe yard work while playing outside, or his room while he is drawing, painting, etc. It takes multi-tasking and real focus, but we sing songs while he is in the bath, discuss his day, learn new words, etc. just a thought. Usually Saturday morning we do a quick run through while he is at a play date, nanna's house, etc.

Balance everything you did before - maybe that never will happen. Accepting that life is a bit different and have everyone pitch in makes life bearable and still full of excitement.

We as women think we need to do it all, not necessary. Spend time with the children and hubby, spend time at the dinner table as a family and do the little things together. ]]No one will remember if your kitchen floor was dirty, a bed was unmade, but they will remember the great talks and walks and meal time together.

Good luck on accepting you are human and enjoy your beautiful family and new career!

G. Johnson
Independent Consultant, Homemade Gourmet
Bringing Families Back to the Dinner Table

Hi Jenna-
Here's what I'd say to you: you won't get everything done that you're used to doing. The best way to not go crazy for me is to set my priorities and try to stick with them. So when it happens that I'm working until 6 p.m. and there's nothing made for dinner, I know that for me, it's more important to have time with my husband and kids than to cook something wonderful. I try to have healthy foods in my pantry that I can put together quickly, and frozen veggies for an emergency. Sure, I'd love to cook a gourmet, natural, fresh dinner every night, but to do that I'd have to spend the time in the kitchen and not with my family. Taking a little time to decide what is important can help you make sense of the whirl that is the working mom's life. You can include your family in that discussion, too--you'd be surprised what really matters to your kids! Sometimes it's not what you think it would be.
Have fun!
E.

Hi J.,
I've got one daughter who is 16 months old. And when I get home at night she wants all of my attention. So, for the first 45 minutes or hour I'm home, she gets every drop of it. After that, I try to include her in what I'm doing to get the house organized. Our kitchen floor is covered with toys and pots and pans that she bangs together while I'm making dinner (my husband is great at splitting dinner duty with me). Or, if I'm trying to clean up another room, I'll take her in there with me, or it's daddy's turn to play with her. But. . .as soon as I notice that what attention I'm giving her isn't enough, I drop other duties and focus on her again.

It's been very hard for me to go from a clean house, to a more cluttered one, but when it comes to her or the house, she'll win out every time.

Good luck.

J.,

You never really get good at "balancing" work and family life. They are both full-time jobs. Here is a suggestion that worked for me, though. Take care of your child's needs first rather than blowing him or her off until you get something else done. Period. Then worry about the other things. Your child will be happier and so will you.

Linda

J.,

I am a Mom and a teacher and it is hard to prioritize what needs to get done, especially since I am a person that doesn't ask for help a lot. The best piece of advice I can give you is to ask for help. My husband and I were talking about how it seems like we are always tired and that nothing seems to get done like it used to. We agreed that each Saturday morning we would spend cleaning the house as a family and try to pick up each night before bed so it wasn't so bad. It has seemed to work so far and we are making a game out of it for our little girl. I am sure that your girls will be willing to help out too. My husband cooks dinner so I can relax a little and spend time with our daughter when I get home from work. Another thing you might consider is to get dinners from a place like Supper Solutions to save some time. Good luck!

I am a working Mom as well. I have a 9 year old son and a 12 year old daughter. They are in all sorts of sports. I work full time and also go to school 4 out of 7 nights per week. My husband is the Soccer coach for my sons soccer team and I am the assistant coach. I also assist with my daughters volleyball team and my husband assist with the girls tennis team which my daughter is active in as well. We will soon start Junior Golf for both of them. It is hard to juggle but we seem to manage. We both work 7-3:30 and then after that its sports and sometime around 9pm everynight is when I get my class assignments complete and turned in. It's really hard to give suggestions when there are so many hour differentials in companies. My only recommendation is have a housekeeper come in at least twice per week. We have someone clean our house and then someone comes and washes our clothes once a week.

Well I actually work from home - which is very helpful as far as balancing everything. But I had to be real to myself and realize that there is only so much I can do in one day.

Laundry get's done twice a week. Simple chores are asigned to each child. Mine are 13 and 11 - definatly old enough to handle some responsibility. Getting dinner on the table requires some extra planning ahead - but now it just becomes a habit. Eating out is fun- but not as healthy and can get expensive.

That is pretty much it. Instead of doing alot in one day I just basically spread it out through out the week and month so it didn't feel overwhelming.

I am in the same dilema as you. Something I am going to try that might work for you is to assign a room to a certain day. So on Monday my biggest goal might be the bathroom. I make sure everything is clean in the bathroom, the floor is swept and mopped and the counters clean. That is my biggest goal and if I get other rooms done, great. Tuesday might be the family room, Wednesday the dinning room, etc. I still pick up the rest of the house but I do not worry about major cleaning in that room until its day. I hope that makes sense. It will take the burden off having to make the entire house spotless constantly. My other main goal is to have the room that has my front door to always look clean, that way I am not too embarrased when someone comes over.

I am trying to teach my 6 year old and 9 year old girls that we are a family and pull together as a family and keep things put away. It is a hard adjustment and will take a while since mom was always home and put away what was left out. It is good for them, though, and skills they will always need!

I hope this makes sense and helps. None of us are perfect, and none of us have a perfectly clean house! Besides, my house is not dirty, just lived in!

If you find the answer, let me know. Just kidding. It is hard, but I just try to do the best I can. If the house looks a little crazy because you want to stop and spend time with the kids, then so be it. Also ask for help. From your husband and both your girls. It isn't too much to ask for them to clean up their rooms, set the table, or clear dishes after dinner. Every little bit helps. The thing I need to let go of (still) is trying to be perfect. Nobody is. I try to tell myself this when I am feeling extra stressed. I hope this might help a little. Good luck.

We have a peculiar notion in our society: even if the mother works a full time job, the home is her responsibility and the husband is merely "helping" with the housework and child rearing.
I would sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation. You both work and contribute to the income of the household, you both have a responsibility to take care of the huse and the children. It may be a matter of splitting the responsibilities (i.e.you do the laundry, he does the dishes)or taking turns (you do dishes on monday and wednesday, he does them tuesday and thursday). Make sure that you are working together to come up with a solution -- the more input he has the more helpful he will be. And chances are that he's noticed you getting burned out and stressed.
Also, your girs are old enough to take on some responsibilites -- dishes, dusting, putting away their own clothes, etc. It is neccessary for children to learn to take care of things now, so that they will have the skills and habits for their adult life.

You will have to let others help. Enlist your husband and girls to help around the house. Also embrace your time with your family and know they will remember your time together and not if the house was spotless. Write out your priorities and stick to them!

I read the other responses so far, and each gave you their input as working mothers. Yes, I agree with your statement..."life seems to be upside down at times". Do you have to work? Today's society is a tough one since so many mother's have to work. Who suffers? You, your kids, your husband, and society at large. There are home businesses you can do. Some are worthwhile, some are not. You can do them part-time. Mamasource allows subscribers to list their home businesses. If you continue feeling out of sorts.....stay home...you and your family will be blessed. If you need to live more cheaply to achieve this...google cheapskate and also frugal. You'll find lots of tips on how to save money.