The Other Child

Hi H.-

You mentioned that the 2 parents of this 8 yr old boy are not taking more responsibility for their own child. You also mention that he needs more from a caring person then he is getting from either parent. So with that said, by you, this is my response.......

Are you married to his father? Or are you just in a relationship with him? If you are just in a relationship with the father, then ask yourself why you want to continue to be involved with him, when you have just pointed out that he needs to be more responsible and caring with his own son.

If you are married you will now play a role in this little boy's life as a step-mom. I'm not sure why you don't know what to say to him, or why your concerned about being an awful step-parent. The best thing you can do for this child when he is with you is show him love and support. Greet him each day after school with a snack and a hug, ask him about his day, help him with homework. Cook dinner in the evenings (since you are not working and our home now) and make sure the entire family eats dinner together (if possible). After dinner ask him to help you clean up, enjoy some playtime after dinner, bath time and then off to bed by 8:30pm (obviously just my opinion).

Children despreately NEED love, stability, and consistency. The best thing you can do for him is provide consistency in his life. I have a 10 yr old step-son who lives with us full time and a 2 yr old son with my husband. I love both of my boys very much. Despite what kind of biological mom my step-son has, doesn't effect the relationship i have with him or the love i have for him. Just try and remember that it is not the child's fault what kind of irresponsible parents he has and it should never be taken out on him in any way. The worst thing anyone can do is talk badly about a child's parents to the child.

Pray, pray for this little boy and also (if your not married yet) ask God to show you which direction in life he wants you to take. Especially if you have always felt and maybe find yourself in situations with too much responsibility. God hears and answers the simpliest of prayers. With out God centered in your life, you will always find yourself in unbalanced situtations or relationships. Although this may be the pattern you seem to always fall into, it doesn't have to continue to be that way.

Take care-M.

H.

I understand how you feel. I recently married a man with an autistic five year old. As much as I love my husband, he is too permissive with his son and Mary, his biological mother doesn’t seem to care about working with him. I know Dan is overly permissive due to guilt. He feels responsible for his son’s disability and for not being able to spend more time with him. I know it sounds a little hackney but you might want to look for reasons for a lack of good parenting, or possibly his background. Maybe he had indifferent parents and that is how he thinks parents should act.

I was feeling frustrated about the situation but talking to Dan, and backing up my opinion with therapists advice, seemed to work. I know it is a hard conversation to have, but if you love these kids, you have to do it. My conversation with Dan was difficult but it produced results. He is trying to be stricter with our son while I work with him at home after kindergarten. Vince’s behavior has improved, despite his mother’s indifference.

So the only advice I can offer you is to talk to him. Let the eight year old know that you care about him, but that you won’t let him get away with breaking the rules. It will be hard at first, but stick to your guns. The worst thing you can do is make a stance and then back down. You have to have the support of his father as well. You have to stand together on this issue. Both children will rebel at first, then they will love you for it.

Hi H.,

I would try talking to another adult in the family, an aunt, uncle, or grandparent, somebody else that may have influence with either or both parents. You can not assume the position of major disciplinarian. Watch Dr. Phil, or read his books, he said after age of about 4 or 5, it is the parent (not the step parent) responsibility. The kid is only going to resent you trying to discipline him, because you don't have the history with him. The boyfriend will more likely than not support you either and come down on the kid side when you do try to discipline. Please consider counseling (marriage and family) before you proceed into this marriage, the parents need to step up and be parents, if they don't things will not get any better after marriage, only worse. Ann Lander use to say something like the fastest way to break up second marriages is kids from the first. Please think long and hard, and iron out some of these problem beforehand.

Forget about being his parent. He has 2. You are his friend his advocate and his confidant. Be a safe person for him to come to , to ask questions and when he is not asking questions show him a really great time- make memories. iF HE is in a bad mood, let him vent and take it out on you. When he's done say hey, what is up with you, usually we are great friends so I know something is bothering you. Don't get involved in the arguments between the "parents" but do make them aware of anything that is happening with their son that affects him being his best in this world. Make statements not judgements and always support their decisions even if they are dead wrong, just let the boy know your parents love you very much.

I am 30 with a 10yr old step son I have known since he was 5 and this works for me, I love him no matter what and he knows that he has enough people bossing him around, if he learns something from our relationship great if not I am only 1 more person in the world who loves him.

Best of luck
K.