Teen Wars

Hang in there, R..

Being consistant with the Youth club and Church youth programs will help since kids need to hear behavior requirements from other adults in order to validate what you have to say. It's tough particularly with boys with that old phrase "boys will be boys" being thrown around like it is. (I have two boys and my youngest has even quoted it before!)

They are at a tough age, carving out their place in the world and trying to be their own "man", so just keep up the instruction and spending time with them individually so they have the opportunity to discuss their frustrations and joys with you and without interruption.

I do make sure to compliment the boys when they do something right. I suggest you tell them out of earshot something like, "Wow, I am sure proud of you for not pushing your brother like you could have - you are really showing maturity when he was so rude." You don't want to encourage jealousy, which could distract from the power of your compliment.

I saw some payoff last week - some girls were throwing rocks at my youngest from the school yard across the street, and there were two boys with them chuckling. My older son saw the goings-on, and paced around beside his kid brother with a tough glare and posture until the other four kids backed off. I do wish he hadn't thrown a rock back, and I told him that was too much. He said he can say anything he wants to his brother, but noone else can.

I like how you mention the bahavior to the girls, since they might be tempted to do the same. Better now than later. I'd suggest you make compliments on their behavior to each other, too. (Again, out of earshot of the others so there isn't any reason for jealousy to distract from the power of your compliment.)

Ah, the tumultuous teenage years. This is a tough one. Normally, conflict between two people usually comes from not understanding each other. Add to that two people that are trying to figure out who they are, how they fit in, add a healthy portion of testasterone and you have a volatile situation. The best advise I can give you is that you have to teach them: healthy conflict resolution. And the best tool for that that I have found, is for you and your hubby to learn about the 7 habits for highly effective people by Steven Covey. (I see that you go to church, Covey is not a Christian but nevertheless the wisdom he has in this area is really useful). I have used his principles over and over again with my stepkids, especially when they were teenagers and they worked pretty well. You have to take what you learn and taylor it to your family. So, the first step could be to catch your boys when they are amicable towards each other and just talk about egging each other on. Basically, teach them to stop or walk away from conflict, when they feel their anger or frustration rise. I remember especially one of my stepsons when he was a teenager. He was a hothead and knew what buttons to push to get a rise out of me. A couple of times I took the bait and got angry. Then I realized what was going on, so I sat him down one time and talked to him about conflict/fighting. I basically told him that usually nothing is acomplished in the heat of the moment except for hurting each other and that I would start to ask him about his anger levels when I saw him being angry. (Meaning, would he be able to walk away in the heat of the moment b/c he was willing to recognize that he was angry). He agreed to working with me b/c really, he didn't enjoy fighting either. It worked out well. When he started pushing my buttons, I would ask him if he was angry about something and if he was okay to talk about. Sometimes he was okay to talk and sometimes he had to walk away and cool off. Sometimes his anger was b/c he felt being treated unfairly by me, sometimes his anger came from other things that happened. When he tried to push my buttons in his anger, I had to tell him that I am getting angry or frustrated too and we would agree to talk about it right away or that evening. Anyway, we ended up having a pretty good relationship afterwards. And I learned to approach my anger/hurt/frustration differently b/c I wanted to set a healthy example for him. So, really, you need to teach them to recognize their anger, and walk away from the situation (unless they can cool down right away and try to work it out). Once cooled down, they should be able to figure out why they got angry. Was it out of frustration, hurt, disappointment? But you have to help them h/t recognize what it is by explaining it to them. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. It covers up something else: hurt, frustration or disappointment. And with teenagers, sometimes they fight just to fight.
You really don't need to take them to counseling. This is something that you and your husband can do. Also, look at how you and your hubby resolve conflict with each other. Use examples from your own life. Maybe you need to adjust some of the things you have been doing. There is a good book called: "Teenage Boys! Shaping The Man Inside" by Bill Beausay. Good luck and hang in there.
PS: One other thing that I found helped A LOT, was to get my stepsons (I have 3 boys and 1 girl - all grown now) into sports: soccer, track or cross-country. Exercise did wonders for them! Probably b/c it releases endorphins and makes them feel good and it gets rid of any adrenaline that has built up in the bloodstream...

The boys are of an age that they should go out & get a job! Do they have chores that each is responible for around the house? Don't make them babysit the younger members of the family; although this would be the best financial solution for you while you do your work. Get them into involved in something that each enjoys plus get them to check out work for the summer. Tell them that they have to earn money for school clothes or transporation. Whatever works best for you & the teens. You may be just Mom; but you should let them know in no uncertain terms that their behavior is unacceptable & that you brought them into the world to be a help to the community & the world as a whole. Talk with their school counselors about the boys' behavior. There may be something that is going on that you & your husband have no knowledge about & it is causing friction between the boys; if they are threatening each with psyical violence. But it may be best if the boys just go out & get a job & be away from each other for more part of the day. Good luck in solving this.

It sounds like way too much testosterone to me!
I raised three boys and a girl who were all in high school at the same time. My husband has a son from a previous marriage who is the same age as my son from a previous marriage. My daughter is two years younger also from a previous marriage. We also took in my husband's ex-sister-in-law's son who is a year younger than my daughter. He was also ADHD and bi-polar. We got custody of him when he was ten. By then he had gone to sixteen different schools and was missing chunks of his education so he would act out to cover up not knowing what was going on in class.
I give you all this background to tell you that there is hope and an answer for your boys. For us, sports were the answer as well as church youth groups. Learning self control is very maturing for boys. Ours were all in wrestling. This may not be your favorite sport (it wasn't mine either) but it really is a controlled and safe way to expend excess energy. It does not lead them to fight more. I also enrolled the youngest in Tae Kwon Do until he earned his red belt. But that was not through the school so if you don't have the money that is probably not an option.
My kids are 26, 26, 24 and 23 now and are great adults. Hang in there! This too shall pass.

It is time for BIG consequences that they understand AND EVERY TIME they do the unacceptable behavior.
Just because they are teens does not relieve them of the responsibility of complying with the family rules AND of being good examples to their younger sisters.
Beyond that there is always TOUGH LOVE.
I would really be concerned about what the girls are seeing and learning from this and act accordingly.

There is counciling for children and family that is free. I know my doctor told me about it. It is a group that has it's main office in Greenwood but has some side offices as well. Teenagers always break out and do things we don't allow in the homes, inappropriate language, threatening, fighting, etc. I wonder how much is for shock factor and attention, but I fully understand your concerns. I guess there is another approach which is pretty drastic. Take them somewhere and tell them you have had enough of the constant bickering. Tell them it is time to just fight it out and that you will allow the winner of the fight to be the one who is right but there are to be no tears, no tattling, etc., and to go at it and settle the matter once and for all then sit down with a good book and tell them to have at it. Shock factor in reverse and see what happens.