My daughter is 13. She is also a freshman in high school. (She'll be 14 in Jan.). She is a great student, great kid, and while we don't always see eye to eye (hey, I've perfected the eyeroll, let me tell you!) she's very mature and demonstrates responsibility. When she got bumped up that grade at 5, we knew this day would arrive....dating ;-( She has been asked out by a Jr. (16) who, eek (the strangling sound you hear is me trying not to freak) drives. (TX - they can get a license the day they turn 16) We've met him. We've met his parents, we went on a "date" with all of us. Now, he wants to drive her to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
So, part of me is like, what are you nuts? The other part is...well, she is mature, they're heading to their school gym (very small school, well supervised, and oh yeah, her brother, who is two years older and also attends will be there with the girl that asked him -- who has also asked to drive him. Son is almost 16, a sophomore, the girl is a Jr. 16 already.) My daughter says I'm being sexist because I'm more worried about her and "tennis boy" (he's a tennis player) than I am about her brother and the girl. Am I? My son is 6'1' and weighs 185, works out and is a hockey player, mature...I tend not to worry about him handling himself. She, on the other hand is my baby girl.....sorry this is getting long. We like the boy. We're glad she is having a good high school experience. Without being the most embarrassing parents on earth, could we (should we) drive her, or let her go?? She's pulling the "why don't you trust me card" - and she's never given us a reason not to, but then again, she's never gotten in a car with a boy before ;-) Thoughts?
I should add, we are planning to drive her -- but she's absolutely unhappy about that. We'd had the "what if" conversations with her - and she has what I consider well thought out responses. She also has a cell phone etc. It's true about the girls being aggressive, I've seen it with my son...although he's so focussed on hockey and school, he's oblivious. (LOL) My daughter likes this boy because he's interested in things she's in to - Dr. Who, acting etc. He comes off as a sweet, not at all a boy you would worry about, kind of a kid, and his parents are hypervigilant so we've talked all about this...yes, there's chronological considerations, but my daughter is not a typical 13, and has never behaved her "age", whatever that is. People meet her and assume she is 16-17, as she looks and acts older. (Heaven help me!) I've never made too many "hard and fast" rules, (ok, no gum in my house is one) since I want to respond to situations and have conversations about them.....For the record, hubby thinks we should drive both to the dance and eliminate this entirely. Inclined to agree ;-)
Well, his momma looked it up....and it would appear that since he's had his license less than a year, he CANNOT drive her to the dance, nor can the girl drive older brother. Whooohooo. I will be the bad guy when I need to be, but in this case, I don't. For the record - the boy in question is a "friend" and my daughter isn't really after a boyfriend, they get together in groups...but Sadie Hawkins is entirely different ;-) Thank you to the person who pointed that out - if his momma hadn't found it, I sure would have!
Both are being driven, since the teen drivers haven't had their licenses long enough ;-) Had to add one more thing....daughter has decided she wants to just 'hang out" with the boy as part of a group...she says she's too busy and a boy would be a "distraction". Wow. She is really in to "her" things, and her priorities are spot on, IMO....;-) Momma can relax, temporarily anyway.
I would never allow a 13 year old girl OR boy to ride alone in a car with a "date."
At that age there is a vast difference between a 16 year old (brother) and a 13 year old (daughter) - I don't care if they are both in high school. I would not let her play the sibling rivalry card.
Why is it even up for discussion? Who cares what grade she is in? Your daughter is 13! She has no business going on an unsupervised date with a guy of any age. Your son is two years older than she is so you can't compare their dating situations.
Here's my thoughts, and I will be blunt here, and mean not ill will.
Your dd is 13, he is 16, at that age the difference in maturity is massive. I don't care how mature, smart bright a child is...they are still a child and can find themselves i situations that they are just not prepared to handle.
You have to, need to, have one set of rules and those rule have to apply to both genders. Period. A boy can create/be in just as many problems as a daughter can. Do NOT divide the sexes.
In my house the rules were known from the moment they started to take an interest in the opposite sex. No dating till 16, period. There was no other discussion about it. At that age they have established a pattern of maturity and responsibility and I knew without a doubt that they would/would be able to handle themselves.
No dating of anyone who was more then a year older then you or a year younger then you. That put them on a much more even playing field.
No alone dating till they had been together 4 months at least. Not sure why i picked that number, but I did and stuck with it. I think in that time frame you have a really good idea of how well they will or won't work together.
There's more, but you get the drift. My opinion, she is way to young and he is way to old for her.
Your daughter is your daughter.
You can make whatever rules that you want.
She is also only 13 - going to a dance with a 16 year old.
Yeah, I would sooooo be driving her to the dance.
My son is 16 - I would not let him drive off to a dance alone with only a 13 year old girl in the car with him.
I say pile your son and daughter and their dates in to one car and drive them all to the dance together. They don't have to like it - they are the kids and you get to be the parents (at least for a little while longer).
P>S> I didn't know they still had Sadie Hawkins Dances !!
She is too young. End of story.
My daughter is 12 and this is just starting for us as well, so I feel your pain.
First.... I absolutely think there is a double standard. In life.... not just in teen dating. But I only have a girl, so I may be biased. However, I know that my friend who has a son is worried about these girls who throw themselves at her son - and I've seen it. He sits on the couch. They sit practically in his lap. So, I think it actually occurs on both sides.
They key is teaching ANY kid who is getting in to dating how to not get in over there head. I don't think you can do that by forbidding them... it's here and it's here to stay. Might as well teach them how to go about it safely.
Why don't they "double" with bro and his gal? There does tend to be safety in numbers.
The only thing I can tell you is that I started asking a ton of questions.... instead of giving a ton of advice when my daughter was asked out on a date a few months ago (yes, at 12) to a movie and dinner, no less (by a 14 year old who rides the same bus). I played it like I was curious.... but really I wanted her brain to start working again.... because it had seriously stalled......
I started with - ooooo exciting.... how are you going to get there? Oh, do you think you should ask him? And.... now, I"m not really sure how this works anymore, cuz I'm old.... does the boy pay? Do you split the cost? Oh, you're not sure either? hmmmmm do you think you should talk to him about that? Now, you don't have a ton of money.... how much do you have? Oh, $20. will that buy dinner and movie? Yeah, it depends on where you go.... how will you talk to him about that? Oh, yeah, I can see where that would be a tough conversation to have... money stuff can be tricky..... Now, when I was dating kids held hands at the movies and stuff.... do kids do that now? Oh, you're not sure either? I wonder what his expectations are...... do you think you should talk to him about that? Oh? You don't want to? I know, these conversations can be tough..... do you think you should be dating, though, if you don't have the confidence to even talk about the plans? Yeah, maybe you should wait a bit.
Now, she's 12.... so I could buy myself some time with that train of thought. But, in your daughter's case I might ramp it up.
If he drives.... what happens if he gets sick.... how would she get home? What will she do if he wants to "do stuff" that she's not comfortable with.... what is her plan, how will she handle it? etc etc. That might get her thinking with her brain instead of her hormones/heart.
NO. Just NO.
You are considering this???!!!!!!!!!!!!
They will just be driving to and from the dance?
Make an agreement. On the time for pick up, and the curfew for her to be home.
He can drive her to the dance. The moment they leave the dance to come home, have her call you.
Then offer to order in pizza or have some sort of snack when they get back to your home.
That was the fun part, being able to talk about the event once it was over,
We used to go to the neighborhood pizza place or go to a place for a late breakfast.
Let this be her chance to prove to you she is mature enough. Let this young man, know exactly where you all are coming from.
My mother was also really honest and blunt with anyone I went out with, even girls that were friends.
You can tell him this "Our daughter is 13. She has always been very mature and we trust her to make good choices. You are a 16 yr old young man, who drives. We are also trusting you to be careful while driving with our daughter and to make sure she stays safe and follows our expectations."
I bet she will have a great time and will behave maturely, it sounds like she is an intelligent young woman. I would trust her, if she is like our daghter.
I would only let her double date with your son and his date or you drive her and meet the boy there, or you can pick him up too. She can take it or leave it.
Even the nice kids, band and drama 'geeks' mess around!
We set up some unmovable guidelines around dating so my DD knew not to even ask. Dating was just not an option until 16. She was allowed to "hang out" with a boy at our house, in the living room (not the bedroom or finished baement) or could go to the Mall (if one of us was driving). Once I got to know our DD's "boyfriend" in 9th grade and his mom (who was alos very strict) I'd allow her to to his house. But I always checked to make sure mom was going to be there and she had already told me they weren't allowed anywhere but the living room. Yet - they still managed , while at the park, walking to the library, etc to get involved farther than she wanted to go. (2nd base I believe) she was 14, he was 15. They have wild hormones! Now at 16 when we would allow her to "date" she's not realy interested in dating since all the guys "only want one thing" and she's got a good circle of friends - guys & girls - most of whom also don't date, nor do they "hook up". Their activities are all either at youth group, doing volunteer work at a mission for the poor, or are guided by adults who are taking them to the city, to the movies, to painball, etc.
A 13 yr old is really not at all mature enough to know what to do with hers and her boyfriend's raging hormonal desires. Yikes.
You and your husband need to really discuss with eachother what you think is going to be appropriate for her dating. Undersatnd that things have changed since you were in HS. Media is far more available, women are more degraded than ever before through rap/hiphop, sexualization of our girls is common in TV shows. They have grown up on shows that would never have made it into primetime when we were teens. Their expectations of casual sex are far more common and they are less mature since we shleter them more. Once you've come to a conclusion stand together. Allow your husband's opinoin on this to overrull yours if he wants to be more strict. He knows what it's like to be in the body/mind of a teenage boy - we don't. then communciate it to your daughter.
Good luck mama. This is not easy! It was far more easy to help them walk, learn to use the toilet, etc.
Your daughter is mature for her age, and like it or not, ready for the next steps in life. Set some boundaries and curfews. Keep that birds and bees talks going all the time. You will open the lines of communication up even more, not worry/ wonder where she is or doing.
We do not like it when our children start to date, but you are lucky that she is open and asked for your blessings. Children will sneak around parents backs if they are not allowed to do current things.
With my boys, I did not agree with them dating, but I would rather of known where they were and doing, then sneaking around my back!
My mother would not allow me to date until I was 19. I snuck around her back for years, and done it all. By 19, I was already pregnant and living on my own.
I would probably compromise and say she will meet him there. Or if her brother will be there, she can arrive and depart with him but still be at the dance with the boy. If both drivers are 16, then I would probably drive both of my children. We also once got a friend to drive SS in DH's mustang because it was "cooler". (Friend hammed it up with a suit and sunglasses and acted like he was a secret service agent or a chauffeur.)
IMO, I would be more worried about a freshman than a junior, period. You said your son is older. Even though kids think they are "grown", they aren't. 15 and 16 are a different thing than 13 and she just needs to deal with it or not go to the dance with this older boy at all. I would tell her I am not being sexist, but if she wanted me to thoughtfully consider her attendance with this dance, she should give me some respect.
FWIW we often drove my stepkids to dances, sometimes them and friends/date. My first thought wouldn't necessarily be shenanigans in the car, but that he's a new driver. Is it even legal for him to drive her? Here we have a graduated license program and until SD was 18 she could not drive anyone under 18. Period. So it may not even be legal.
We didn't have a firm age to date, but neither SS nor SD had a serious GF/BF til 16 or 17. They hung out with groups before that. No people of the opposite gender in their rooms, no sneaking off to someone's house, no riding with novice drivers (regardless of gender), etc. Oh and SD is several years younger than SS so he got to do things before she could not because he's male but because he's OLDER. So don't let her play the "sexist" card if it's just the age factor.
However, they did discover that arguing when the answer was "maybe" usually lead to "no".
Girls mature faster than boys. Although she is younger than her classmates she is in high school and should be allowed to be a high school girl. I totally understand your hesitant reaction to letting her ride alone in a car with a boy. Can you compromise and have her and your son double date and have you son drive?
I get it she's 13 and I never wanted my daughter to date until 15. Group activities were okay but not one on one dating.
As far as having so much confidence in your son's ability to handle himself in situations --- remember he could become sexually active and have a child. In Wisconsin if an underage couple have a child and the boy(father) can't or won't pay child support his parents are held responsible.
It seems like you no longer have a question since the dance/driving got resolved? But I'll put in my two cents on this situation in which a mature 13-year-old got bumped up a grade and likes this boy so much....
She's thirteen. No matter HOW mature she is (sometimes that's a bad thing), she's still got 5 YEARS until she's 18, and three until she's 16. This dance and boy may be nice, but that's a LOT of time to get into trouble-aka being so preoccupied with dating someone. This guy may be Mr. nerdy Dr Who nice guy, but he's a 16 year old male, soon to be 17 and 18. She may get sick of him soon, and the next older guy will be less harmless, and she'll feel entitled to dating since she's been doing it since AGE 13. OR Maybe she'll be deeply in love with this nice boy for the next few years dating only him...and what good end can that come to really by age 16 and 17 when he's 20-21....and they've been together for yeeeeears.
This dance is not really a big issue (NO he shouldn't drive her alone??!!) but if it sets a precedent for all of high school and you can never go backwards....rein it in big time! She's thirteen, she's lucky shes going, that's it.
All I'm saying, is that my babysitter is pregnant at 17, and my friend's daughter is pregnant at 15, both by NICE boys, who they dated a long time, one from church. And even if she doesn't get pregnant, it's my personal opinion that no good can come from prioritizing relationships at this age. Sorry. I wasn't even allowed to date aside from group outings all through high school. I saw my "boyfriend" at work bagging groceries and occasionally in a group or at church (parents ALWAYS drove). I would not have dared boss my parents into allowing more. I was EXTREMELY mature and intelligent. So what? I was WAY too busy working and dealing with my advanced classes and preparing for college and beyond (ended up going right to work and skipping college) EITHER WAY my life was not at all short-changed by not having boyfriends from the age of THIRTEEN. Thirteen. Meeting parents? Older boys driving? THIRTEEN! My daughter is six, extremely advanced, would be skipped grade if she was in public school, and she's not dating at thirteen. No.
She doesn't need to be banned from seeing this guy, or going to the dance, but she's not entitled to having a 16-year-old boyfriend with all the trimmings either imo.
I too have a 13 year old that looks and acts more mature than others her age. It is terribly difficult dealing with situations as this. We are taking baby steps with everything. Even though she looks and acts more mature than her age at the end of the day she is still 13 years old. Being 29 years old ( i didn't give birth to the 13 yr old, this is my niece that I raise) and going through this same thing myself not too awful long ago, you have to remember that a boy is eventually going to make moves. She has to be confident enough with herself to say whoa!nelly and tell him to back up, no matter how much she likes him. My 13 year old is mature enough (I pray) and we have raised her to hopefully do just that..say no. However, I will not put her in a position for this to even be tested.
It is for this fact that she should car pool with your son and his date, you drive her and her date, or just skip it altogether. She should count her blessings as I'm sure she will (she sounds like a wonderful young lady) and be happy you're giving her these three options.
Call me young and old fashion but I don't always (actually hardly ever) approve of what her friends parents let them do. Teenagers nowadays are growing up faster and faster. I wish for her to savor every moment. And it is for this reason I put the brakes on lots of things. Of course I don't want to be too strict. But allowing her to go with him is trust enough...baby steps.
Yay, problem solved!
if you start not letting her go to simple things she'll sneak around. i'd rather let my daughter but have open communication about drinking and sex and so on, then making her lie and hide things
my ex was 18 and i was 14 freshman and senior
2 years isnt that big of a diference shes going to be 14...
I know you already have this sorted out, but I wanted to point out one little fact that no one seemed to mention: with her being 13, regardless of his age, if they have sex, even if it is consensual, he can be charged. In the eyes of the law, she is a child.
I'm not saying your daughter would even consider having intercourse, but a lot of parents don't seem to think about this one little tidbit. I worked for 10 years in a women's clinic and we saw A LOT of 13yr girls who were pregnant. And then a police report would have to be filed, regardless of what anyone wanted. Sometimes follow up would occur, sometimes not. I even remember a time when the boy was 12 and she was 13, and a report against the boy still had to be filed! Talk about a double standard! I even remember a case where a teenager (can't remember her age, but think it was around 16ish) became pregnant even though she was a virgin. She and BF had some MAJOR heavy petting.
Anyways, glad your situation got worked out though! But wanted you to be aware of the "dark side."
