Is She Bisexual?

Updated on September 04, 2012
K.T. asks from Arnold, KS
25 answers

My daughter is 13 and is unsure if she is bisexual or "straight", I am not against any of these but don't know how to help her in anyway! Does anyone know a way? She has had a boyfriend (against my knowledge, her 11 year old sister told me) but said she didn't like being with a boy as much as she thought. We have very good communication in our house and I have spoken to her and sat down with her. It is not me who is majorly freaking out (I have a gay sister and we're the best of friends!!!), she is the one who is scared of herself! I don't want her to freak out anymore. I feel terrable about it but the onlything I can say is
"You have to slow down and think about it carefully and make the right choice for YOU, not anyone else."
We have moved since she had the boyfriend and she now has alot of guys that are friends and she says that all of them act like a brother to her.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers


answers from St. Louis on

I am completely confused here. She said she didn't like being with a boy as much as she thought so that makes her potentially bi? Could it perhaps be that she is 13 and really shouldn't be dating and just doesn't know what she is doing?

Really at her age she shouldn't be dating, boys or girls. Wait until she is old enough to actually know what she wants. If there ever was a clear sign she isn't old enough to date this is it.

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

it's really not an either or. most people fall somewhere along a spectrum of sexuality. it's society that boxes us into specifics.
she's only 13. there's just no way to tell at this point. it sounds as if she's somewhat comfortable talking to you. keep that door open, and don't make it so doom-and-thunder.
what choice does she have to make right now? she's 13! she has the rest of her life to explore her sexuality! there's absolutely no rush to identify some set of rules that make her one thing or another. just help her be herself, unique and wonderful.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Milwaukee on

Perhaps the fact that she is ONLY 13 is why she didn't like being with a boy as much as she thought. She probably reads a lot of books or watches tv and sees how older teens/early 20's act and feel about boys. At 13, I'm sorry but in my opinion, it's too early!! Why not have her back off the boyfriend thing and only allow her to do group things. I don't care if she's straight, bi, or gay, she is waaaaaaaaaaaay too young.

5 moms found this helpful

More Answers


answers from Washington DC on

welcome to mamapedia!!

Interesting first question...

What does it matter if she is bi-sexual or not? You going to love her differently?

Sounds like you have no control over your daughter if she has a boyfriend behind your back and you have to hear about it from her sister?!! Sounds to me like there is NO communication in your might end up being a grandma pretty darn fast if you don't start opening up the lines of communication about birth control, your morals and values on pre-marital sex and all that jazz...

she needs to hear the facts from YOU...not from her friends..

As to whether she is bi or straight or a lesbian - YOU NEED TO TALK WITH HER!!!!!!!!! What is HER definition of "being with a boy"??? at 13 is she already having sex????!?!

What 13 year old is mentally capable of handling sex let alone the consequences of the actions - pregnancy, STDs, etc...


13 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

As the parent of an actual gay teen, I can tell you that many teens flirt with the idea of being "bisexual." It seems to be the in thing. Your daughter can't make the right choice. It isn't a choice. She is attracted to whom she is attracted. You don't choose whether you're gay, straight or bisexual. Also, being gay or bisexual is not about her not enjoying a boyfriend. It's about being attracted to girls. Is she? Or is she simply too young to have a boyfriend or turned off by the excessive drama and lack of maturity involved in middle school "dating"? If she's not actually finding herself attracted to girls, then she is not gay. Sounds like she's caught up in the drama of the middle school dating scene. Middle school boys are just not thrilling, they're gross and immature. Having a "boyfriend" in 7th or 8th grade isn't very exciting because you are too young and not allowed to date yet, so it means they text each other and they see each other in school but often the "boyfriend" is too busy talking sports and having burping contests with his friends, so it's not really fun to have a boyfriend. My younger kid is a 13 year old straight boy and he is surely not boyfriend material at this stage!

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Frankly, I wonder if she "had a boyfriend" just because her friends "had boyfriends"..... or she wanted to have a boyfriend to try to prove to her friends that she WAS straight.... and her mind was telling her that it wasn't time to be in a relationship.....

At 13, she isn't ready for a relationship..... maybe that is all her mind is telling her... that it was wrong for her to have a relationship behind your back.

I think you need to have a good, open discussion about what relationships mean.... it is fine to have boy "friends", not "boyfriends", and girl "friends", but not "girlfriends" at this age..... that it is best to do things in a group, not try to be dating someone at this point.

I work in a middle school, and last year, one of our 7th grade girls ended up pregnant! I think she had the baby last week, but none of us have heard. Also, one of her group of friends is also pregnant, and is now in the 8th grade. This is my 3rd year at this school, in a relatively small city (3 middle schools), and this is the first I have heard of 7th and 8th graders in our city getting pregnant.... (there are also rumors of another girl in this same group that is also pregnant...)

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

I think that I would tell her that lots of 13 year old girls don't really like being with a boy as much as they thought they would, when it comes to having a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend is different than having a friend who is a boy... she isn't ready for a boyfriend type of relationship. That is another thing to tell her.

She is comfortable with girls because she IS a girl. Perhaps she is thinking that she might be "bi" because she is getting mixed up between this and how she feels about the difference in being with a boy and a girl.

Did you ever see that MacDonald's commercial (I think it's MacDonald's) with the boy and the girl sitting down eating? She has long hair, sits up straight and is all girl and very serious about her little lunch with this boy. He takes one look at that Big Mac and dives into it, looking like he is inhaling it. She thinks he's a bit disgusting (you can see it on her face), and he is so happy about that burger!

Tell her that this is part of learning about how to relate to the difference in people and in boys and girls. She has met or will meet girls who are entirely different from her, and the same for boys. Tell her that she needs to give herself time to grow up before she decides that she doesn't like boys in general. Remind her that she likes her father and whatever other males are in her life. Tell her that boys finally grow up to act better than the one she didn't like being her boyfriend, especially if she is choosy about who she dates.

Anyway, I would tell her that she is worrying too much about this, and right now, everyone needs to just be friends. That's best for her all the way around.

Good luck to you both!

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

There is such incredible pressure, both through peers and through the media, to 'feel something special' with another person. It's a lot to think about. Perhaps, along with the other bits of great advice you got below, you might ask your daughter what she thinks she'll be missing if she isn't romantically involved *right now*. I agree that at thirteen, she's too young to be dating either boys OR girls.

Keep the lines of communication open, and I would strongly suggest talking to her about *her* perceptions of what she 'should be doing' (esp. in regard to 'what are the other kids at school doing, do you think?) , as well as your expectations regarding how she conducts herself. Someone once described being bisexual as 'loving and desiring the person, not the gender'... I like that remark. Life is going to give her a lot of opportunities to learn plenty about herself and discover who she is attracted to and why. Hopefully, she can slow down and just enjoy the time she has with her friends for now.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I realize my opinion is not a popular one but the fact is whether she should or should not be dating at age 13 she IS in fact doing so by her definition. It sounds as if you need to have truly open communication with your daughter, don't put your head in the sand and think that because she's young she can't or wont do something with either gender. Also, do not assume that you two have very good communication - it's obvious you don't seeing as you had to find out about her having a boyfriend from your other child. Let her figure herself out and support her but know that things are going to happen....they already have to some extent seeing as she is hiding things from you. You need to reevaluate your parenting and accept things for what they are not what could be. Her sexuality does not define who she is. However do not believe that she is too young to know either way but also at the same time things change. Some people know from the moment they're very young that they are bisexual, gay or straight whereas others do not. Being gay or bisexual or anything other than heterosexual is not a choice it is a part of who a person is but not something that is the definition of what makes a person who they are.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Too young for anyone to know, including herself.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

My concern would be , that my daughter is hiding relationships. You need to talk CANDIDLY with your daughter. Take her to the dr. if you have to. She NEEDS education straight from your mouth about pregnancy, birth control. stds, and sexual exploitation. Don't keep your head in the sand, mom. She is hiding from you. Time to do something about it.

She's 13, she doesn't know what she wants. (And, it really doesn't matter what she wants and likes. She shouldn't have a significant other. She is 13!) That's not necessarily a symptom of gay, straight, bi, or none of the above.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Tell your daughter the truth. Having a boyfriend is not just recreation. It is an intimate, personal relationship, for better or worse. And a great deal of maturity is required to be in a positive, healthy, fulfilling relationship with a boy/man. If it doesn't feel right, then she is acknowledging that she is not yet mature for such a relationship. Encourage her to enjoy her friends and have fun.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Spokane on

what your doing is the right thing. you support her as she is and who she is. just let her know you are open to talk with her about anything. maybe shes just not into dating as much as she thought or maybe she is confused about her feelings towards men and women.

I myself have always loved women along with men. since i was in kindergarten i could remember having an infatuation with women. now i am married (to a man) and have a wonderful 5 year old daughter. If she ever came to me with something like this i would do as you are support her and be there for her in anyway i can :)

moms come on who here hasnt hid a boyfriend (or even a girlfriend) behind their parents backs. just because a 13 year old has a boyfriend does not mean it is a sexual relationship. at 13 my relationships where all about kissing and holding eachother nothing more. now when i got to 14 that did change but not every child will make those decisions like that.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Richmond on

She'll figure it out in college, I'm quite certain ;)

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I would like to give Cheryl O. below at least 100 flowers. But I can only hit once. And it only takes once to get pregnant.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Muncie on

I was in my 20's before I realized that I was in fact Bi, though it's not about the sex for me. I never really thought about was I bi or straight or gay or whatever. It just wasn't an issue growing up, I just was. I never really had female friends, a few close ones, but mostly I always thought other girls were foolish and pointless. I've always liked boys however, even got in trouble because I was "boy crazy" and they thought it was effecting my grades.

What changed for me was my understanding of "love" and how I love, my life experience and time to mature. I met someone in my 20's who was Trans-gendered and dated them while they transitioned. I realized that I don't care about a his/her "parts", I loved them for who they were, it was emotional and because I loved them I was able to bridge the gap into the physical/sexual with out issue. I love to "give" physically, that's where I get my most fulfilling pleasure. So, as long as I was sure that they felt loved and pleasure I was over the moon.

Your daughter is only 13, her peers (dating pool) is still so immature. She may just need time, she has YEARS before she's old enough to choose a life partner. This is a stress she doesn't need, since you're so open with her help her to realize that there is no rush for her and that no matter what you love her. Help her focus on having friends and not stressing over "dating". I'll happen when the right one comes a long. Perhaps have her talk to her aunt.

Male or female, when the right one is with you, it's wonderful. It is very likely that she hasn't meet the right someone yet. Like I said, she has YEARS yet ahead of her, no rush, have fun.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

I think it's something she'll be figuring out for years and there's no way of knowing how it will turn out.
It doesn't matter.
She's your daughter.
Keep her busy with after school activities so she doesn't have spare time to worry about dating - 13's too young for it - my son can't date till he's 16.
She's got a lot of growing up to do.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Let her know that it is VERY NORMAL to feel this way. She is exactly at the time in her life when her thoughts, feeling, desires begin to shift from those of a little girl to those of a young woman.

At this age, I personally wouldn't encourage her to think carefully about it and make a decision. I get where you're coming from, but I think that sends the message that she will have to live with whatever choices she makes at 13 years old. Rather I'd encourage her to pay attention to her own feelings, and be prepared for them to shift and change and return and disappear as she gets older.

Good luck to your sweet girl. She's lucky to have a mama to talk to.


4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Jo W. and Cheryl O. said it best!!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Augusta on

Well I wouldnt find anything wrong with it I would rather my daughter to be straight. Thats just me. She's only 13, she still has some years ahead of her too, how long has she had this "boyfriend"?? She cant really base off one boy if she doesnt like being with a boy or not, there are plenty of other guys!!! You need to TALK to her, like everyone else is saying, she could be pregnant pretty soon, I hope. And when you put, "she didn't like being with a boy as much as she thought" she might be dating girls and boys. I let my daughter date she'll be 14 in a week. But it may be that she doesnt really know what she's doing. The important thing is to TALK to her TRUST ME!!! It helps, ALOT. I hope this worked. :)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

She's 13! This is the age hormones start to flare and all the questions begin. Including the "AM I BI"? Be supportive and educate her on all that comes with 13 and "dating". Although I agree with a majority of the moms here, 13 and dating do not belong in the same sentence. What do they really know at this age about the intimacies of a relationship. It can quickly turn to physical, so mama beware! Inform her of all the diseases, pregnancy, and respect she should give herself and her body. What exactly did she mean "she didn't like being with a boy as much as she thought".......the fact that there is such expectation in that sentence, tells you she has no clue and you should ask her what she thought would happen or what she expected that disappointed her so and based on her answer, go on to further educate what she obviously has no clue on. Educate her on Bi-sexuality, homosexuality and heterosexuality, so that any questions that arise, she knows she can come to you. COMMUNICATE and get involved. Make her feel safe, supported, and understood so she knows to come to you. Good Luck Mama!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I would encourage her to focus on school and friendships and leave dating to being older. My SS had a girlfriend the summer he was 13 but her dad put his foot down and SS didn't have another girlfriend til he was 16. I know my SD was interested in boys before then, but her first real boyfriend was at about 16 as well. Now she's in college and is trying the LDR thing, but if it doesn't work, then at least they had a sweet thing for a while when they were young - which is an attitude I think more young people should have. FWIW, her first boyfriend was selfish and this one treats her much better. Everyone kisses a few frogs, but I think that 13 is too young for most of us to tell the frogs from the princes.

So let your DD know that there's plenty of time to figure it out, and she will, but it doesn't need to be right now. In the meantime, have as many talks as she needs and listen as much as she needs you.

And being bi could mean any number of things to her. I have a friend who is bi who ultimately decided that her DH was the right *person* for her so she married him. But that was well past 13 and she dated some loser men and women to find him. It is hard to tell if your daughter was just meh about THIS guy or if she's meh about guys in general. If she gets older and finds that no, she really isn't attracted to guys at all, then the question isn't "am I bi" but "am I gay?" And whatever that answer is, tell her you love her and support her. And mean it.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

My thought is what does "she didn't like being with a boy as much as she thought" mean? What did she do with the boy? At 13, that seems really young to be doing anything. Did something happen that scared her? 13 seems young to be thinking about sex with a boy or a girl. Besides finding out what happened with the boy, I would leave this topic alone. If she wants to talk to you, fine. But otherwise let her discover whether she is straight or bi on her own. But do clarify what your values are regarding relationships and hiding.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Okay, lots of responses so far and this is a confusing question. First off...if she hasn't stated that she is or may be attracted to girls, then she probably isn't bisexual, that's you reading too much into stuff.

If she has said that she's confused b/c she finds both sexes attractive then that's different. I have a nephew and niece that are gay and both came out to me before anyone else in the family and both said that they were possibly bisexual even though they weren't and I knew they weren't and deep down they knew they weren't.

I think when teenagers first come out they cling to the "hope" of being bi so that it's more "normal". If they can at least like both sexes then it's not "gay" and they think they will be more accepted. Since then both of these kiddos have admitted that they are not bi and only gay. I think that if she is gay she absolutely could know at 13. She may be struggling at interpreting her feelings for girls and boys and questions herself.

In the end, your role should be stressing the fact that no matter the gender she shouldn't be rushing into a physical relationship with anyone. That she needs to figure out her emotions before bringing sex of any kind into play!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

What does a thirteen year old boy know anyway. I would just tell her that they aren't old enough to no what pleases the other and neither would a girl so just don't pressure herself and when the right person comes along she will no it. It isn't easy to open up i'm sure if you like the same sex but it seems to be more excepted these days. She will need your support but for now tell her don't let anyone make her decide either way. She is lucky to have a mom that is open minded like you. Goodluck to you both!

1 mom found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions